New to the group and need advice

[ConfusedinMD]

I received a call from my daughter's teacher saying that she was being argumentative and disruptive to the class. I made the appropriate comments to the teacher and thanked him for calling. When I got home from work, I asked my daughter what was going on. All her comments made no sense and they put the blame on the teacher instead of her. She refused to accept responsibility for the situation. The argument between escalated to her saying you act like you don't want me here and I said that if she was going to continue her behavior than she was right I didn't. She then said that she was going to her cousin's for the night, I told her that it was her decision but once she left it would be for good and she couldn't come back and to leave her keys. She did. No she is telling people that I kicked her out. This has been the low point of what seemed like a never ending downward spiral for her and I am at my wits end.

I admit that I was and still am angry but don't feel like I show kiss her behind. I acted out and was not a poster child for teenage behavior, but I can't see where I went wrong with this kid. Does anyone have suggestions that might help? And by the way, I tried taking her to see a counselor and it was a waste of time.

 

[Bunny]

Welcome to the board. Can I ask how old your daughter is? Has she ever has problems in school before? How does she behave at home? The more that we know about her, the more we will be able to offer advice and support.

 

[buddy]

Hi and ditto to Bunny's comments.... the more you let us know, then we can support you even better. Not being nosy, just really wanting to help.

I can tell you right away though, you are now with a group of people who will NOT be shocked by this and really does undertstand frustrating, outrageous behavior from kids. While it is good to look at what mistakes we make (we all do) and how we can do better, it does nothing to say where did I go wrong... she sounds like she has some internal issues going on that you can help sort through, but are not likely your FAULT. Does that makes sense?

You are not alone! Hang in there and looking forward to your future posts.

 

[ConfusedinMD]

Welcome to the board. Can I ask how old your daughter is? Has she ever has problems in school before? How does she behave at home? The more that we know about her, the more we will be able to offer advice and support.

She is 16 and has had problems in school since she started, but we didn't think it was really out of the ordinary until middle school. She was not doing her work, not studying and being disruptive. At home for the most part she is fine. She is has been fresh mouthed by not disrespectful until recently. When I took her to the counselor they told me that they believe that she was depressed and possibly ADD and to bring her back in a few months! That was the last time that we saw that person and because of my insurance haven't been able to find anyone else. I might add that she is my natural child and was adopted by my husband. Where she loves my husband she feels that he has favorites (he does, and the kids as well as I have told him-he's in denial) So she feels a disconnect with him. She told me that she has always felt like she doesn't belong. I don't know what to do to make her "happy". I say that because, she has a roof over her head, food, cell phone, and computer so I know its not things. She is a touchy feely child and I am not and that causes problems between us. I hate to ramble, but I am trying to give you a look into what is going on.
Thanks in advance.

 

[ConfusedinMD]

Bunny,
Thanks. It looks like you have a lot on your plate. Outside of the 16 yr old I have three adult step-children ranging in age from 22-32 and a 12 yr old biological son who has ADHD complex and takes Concerta who was simple crushed when his sister left. He cried for nearly an hour.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Skip the behavior for a bit, here...
Has she ever had ANY kinds of evaluations done?
Such as...
- LDs
- Occupational Therapist (OT)
- ed psychiatric (they look for things like adhd, signs of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), etc.)
- any other evaluations AT ALL?

Because...
1) problems since school started
2) worse in middle school
........... yikes. I see a kid who has real, underlying issues, not dealt with, and is going off the deep end - including disrupting her attachment to parents...

 

[ConfusedinMD]

Skip the behavior for a bit, here...
Has she ever had ANY kinds of evaluations done?
Such as...
- LDs
- Occupational Therapist (OT)
- ed psychiatric (they look for things like adhd, signs of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), etc.)
- any other evaluations AT ALL?

Because...
1) problems since school started
2) worse in middle school
........... yikes. I see a kid who has real, underlying issues, not dealt with, and is going off the deep end - including disrupting her attachment to parents...

The only evaluation that she had was by the child psychologist associated with our insurance and I not my daughter was happy with her. I felt that if her diagnosis was that she was depressed with possible ADD then she should be receiving treatment of some kind. My daughter felt that it was a waste of time, which I expected because she didn't see the reason why she was there in the first place. I can't afford outside treatment and at a loss. The problems with school have be behavioral until middle school. She was a good student. I took her to the psychologist because she was telling people that she had been raped but I could never get to the bottom it. When I asked her had she and if so who did it she told me that they story wasn't about her but a friend who needed help. That is when I sought help for her to no avail.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok...this whole incident is not good in my opinion. It is never a great idea to tell a child you don't want her to live at home, although I'm sure many of us have lost it and said that. Maybe it could have been modified, "When you act this way, sometimes I feel that way too, but you are here and we need to work it out."

I'm thinking that the entire family (not adult children unless they are still home and want to participate) could use family counseling. You have some dynamics going on that are probably not that healthy and your family can certainly learn to interact better and have more peace and feel more love. You have a husband who is not bio. dad, but whom adopted your daughter and she feels she doesn't belong. This is actually common with adopted children and she is half adopted. Also, she likes to hug and you don't...that would be in my opinion a rather big problem. She needs that touch and you can learn to like it too...you both can work on that. You'll probably like her more and feel more connected to her if you hug her. You have husband who favors certain kids and all of the k ids know it and I'm assuming that this child is NOT one of the favorites. That is hurtful. Hub needs (in my opinion) to learn to either enjoy her better qualities or at least hide his favoritism. The younger boy is not very old. He is probably distressed by the fighting. If you can get good family therapy, I think it would help a lot. Just sounds like there isn't a lot of warmth and understanding going around right n ow, and that is something that can be fixed with a little work from all of you. Whether or not, Daughter has an real issues, like ADHD, hard to say unless she is thoroughly evaluated. But I think the family dynamics need to be worked on right away, while you maybe call a neuropsychologist to test her. Are you sure drug or alcohol use is not an issue with her? Do you like her friends? What is her biggest problem? Is it just talking back (this is typical teen). Now if she's stealing, lying, running away, smoking dope, drinking, sneaking out of the house...this is NOT typical teen.

Glad you found our board, but so sorry you had to come here. Here's hoping you can find ways and ideas to change the current situation.

 

[Malika]

Hello and welcome. Just to say - without wanting to make you feel in any way as if you are being "ganged up on" - that I do very much agree with what Midwest Mom said. A whole-family solution sounds appropriate, not just singling your troubled teenager out. This, by the way, is how it is for most situations with most families, in my opinion.

 

[DDD]

Sending thoughful support your way. I "sometimes" have a different perspective in the CD family because I am old as dirt and have raised eight teens. Rest assured that my intentions are never evil but I do share my take.

My suggestion is that you take action right now. Get in the car (or take a bus, whatever) and go see your daughter. Apologize for your impulsive remarks....sincerely. Tell her that you love her and have always loved her. Explain that even loving adults "lose it" occasionally and realize later that they have goofed up. Share with her that you know you are not a perfect parent and her frustrations are common. Then reassure her that you want her home and that the two of you can seek out ways to make things better for all of you.

in my humble opinion that is what you need to do NOW. Then you can seek outside help again. A few days in the life of a teenager can be life changing. You do not want her to get comfortable in her "new home". You love her more than anyone else and she needs to know it so you all can work together to make things better. Hugs DDD

 

[ConfusedinMD]

"Are you sure drug or alcohol use is not an issue with her? Do you like her friends? What is her biggest problem? Is it just talking back (this is typical teen). Now if she's stealing, lying, running away, smoking dope, drinking, sneaking out of the house...this is NOT typical teen."

What is in my opinion? I didn't exactly say that I didn't want her there, I said that I didn't want here there if she was going to continue the behavior which she could have and probably did take as me saying that I didn't want her. I admit that was not the best way to handle it. As for the hugging, I have a real problem with it and don't know how I can get past it. I would be willing to seek therapy but my options are limited by my insurance. I do not believe that drugs or drinking is an issue. She doesn't do any of the other except for lying. Except for her acting out in school and not doing her homework she would be considered a good kid, its just the combination of that and her lying that has pushed me over the top.

 

[ConfusedinMD]

I hear you and I have been think of doing just what you suggested as we are both stubborn and if I don't make the first move it won't happen. We are very alike and that is part of the issue. We headbutt a great deal. Thanks!

 

[DDD]

If "hugging" is a problem for you, I am sure that your daughter already knows that isn't "you". The main point is for you to reach out to her, apologize and reassure her. This age is difficult but also critical for her future path. Hugs DDD

 

[ConfusedinMD]

DDD,
I will try. I will keep you posted.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Confused - I have a different combo, but understand the "personality conflict" part of this. I'm a loner - my daughter is very social. I'm a person of few words - my daughter talks everybody's ear off... and if she has to write, she writes their eyeballs off. At the end of the day, I want peace and quiet... sit together reading our separate books, that kind of thing. And she... wants to talk off her stress so she can wind down... which just gets ME wound up.

But... she's much closer to easy child than difficult child. And, she's bright, and perceptive, and more or less receptive. So... I've learned that I have to communicate, communicate and communicate some more. I've explained that her "wind down" is my "stress out". We're negotiating other options. I'd rather give her a foot massage for 30 mins, than to listen to 30 mins of yak! Ok... so I give her 30 minutes of mommy time... when we start, I tell her how much "ears" I have tonight, she yaks for that, and we do hands-on, quiet stuff for the rest of it... anything from working together to groom the dogs, to french-braiding hair, to... whatever (last night, it was a board game).

 

[DDD]

Good luck. We are all rooting for you! DDD

 

[ConfusedinMD]

Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to give you an update. I wanted to cool off before I spoke with my daughter so I called her yesterday and apologized for how our conversation went on Monday and lett her know that I loved her and it was not my intention to make her feel that she was not wanted. I made it clear that it was her behavior that I was unhappy with and she apologized for her tone. I told her that she was welcomed to come home, but just as it was her decision to leave, it would be her decision to come home and I am happy to say that she has. I have also called my insurance to locate another therapist and they gave me a referral, I just have to wait to get it to see her. Thank you all for your suggestions and I am sure that I will be back on the board for additional help!

 

[buddy]

Glad to hear you reached out. I was thinking about you when I was scanning the posts...... Let us know how things are going! Hang in there, Buddy.

 

[DDD]

I'm so glad that you updated us. I've been wondering how it was going and it sounds like problem resolution was reached PDQ, lol. She chose to come home which means that she knows she is loved and safe there. Maybe...fingers crossed...she'll be able to share her concerns with you so you'll be better able to find the right outside help. I'm smiling for your family tonight. Hugs. DDD