You sure have a whole lot going on all at once. Sadly, I think that it would be highly possible that the 12yo is still abusing your 8yo. Some of this depends on exactly what messages he absorbed as he was being abused. LOTS of kids who are sexually abused are told that it is how people show their love, or any of a ton of equally sick messages. You not only have to figure out how to keep the older son away from the other kids, but also to watch to see if your 8yo starts to act that way toward other kids.
Intense counselling for everyone is a MUST. If you cannot afford it because budget, insurance caps, etc... go to the area domestic violence center and they will help for free.
As for medications, the docs do have a different point of view than most of us. While testing is possible for SOME things, it isn't exactly reliable or an exact science. It is also very expensive and time consuming. Before the economy crashed parents were strapped and ins co's did not want to pay for anything. Now, parents are beyond strapped, ins co's are using it as an excuse to cover less and less to make ever more obscene profits, and docs are in a tough position. Add the constantly changing brains of children, which CAN create one set of results now and completely different results in a year or three, and a lot of them don't know what to do. Then add parents who hear a commercial about a medication, see the kid in the commercial behaving all perfectly after taking the medication, and go to the doctor and demand that medication - regardless of whether it is appropriate. I can see some rx'ing to treat symptoms. Not as much as is happening now, of course, but some degree of it has to exist.
Of course, it owuld help a heck of a lot if the docs had a freakin' clue about side effects, interactions and how to wean a child onto and off of a medication. Most do a really lousy job of handling that stuff. I remember being stunned and furious when a doctor put me on effexor and didn't tell me it is one of the HARDEST medications to stop taking. I had several docs tell me that I was imagining the withdrawal symptoms that happened if I was even 30 min late with my next dose. When I insisted on going off of it the docs told me to cut it in half for a week, then stop all together. I insisted on stopping it because i was experiencing social anxiety and rather intense agoraphobia - two things I had not EVER experienced before and certainly not to that degree.
Most of the really GOOD, reliable help and info I have gotten has come from members of this board and my own research. Scarily I have actually educated a few docs about medications and kids.
The hard and fast, unbreakable rule is that YOU are the expert on your child. The docs are experts on a field of study (supposedly). They spend maybe 10 min every couple of months with your child. So if YOUR INSTINCTS or that little voice in the back of your mind or your gut reaction is that something is wrong - something is wrong. Like many others here, the biggest, baddest mistakes I ever made with my kids all occurred because I ignored my instincts. If a doctor tries to intimidate you into something, remember that YOU PAY HIM - HE WORKS FOR YOU. You are NOT his subject there to follow his rules unquestioningly.
I urge you to do what is needed so that the 12yo AND the 8yo have rooms of their own. Even if you must build wall to divide a room into two very small rooms, it is important. Then put motion sensors or alarms on the door so that if they leave the room at night an adult knows about it. Safety of everyone has to be the top priority.
Then go to the link in my signature and start creating a Parent Report for each child, esp the 12yo and 8yo right now. It is a document about the child that you create to keep all the info in one binder. It will be your lifeline, your proof that you have already tried that with these results, and will help save your sanity as you fill out those forms with all of the questions at the doctor office.
You should also look into sensory integration disorder. The best books on it are by Kranowitz - The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun. The first book explains sensory issues and how to help them, the second is full of activities to provide the sensory input that is needed in a fun way (and it has lots of ways to cut the costs of those activities). Most kids with these types of problems can benefit from various sensory activities esp if they are able to learn to use them as they start to feel out of control.
I don't like antidepressants for kids. Not if other medications haven't been tried first. They can CAUSE children with certain disorders to become much much worse and it takes a LONG time to turn that downward spiral around. Docs do NOT want to admit it - I only know of one who will - but it IS true. They are esp bad if mood disorders are suspected because they cause many people with bipolar to cycle dramatically. Of course children who are NOT bipolar can also have this same reaction. It is a time where the way a child reacts does NOT tell you if the medication is right or if a specific problem is there. In adults it is a more reliable diagnostic tool, but not in kids.
If mood disorders are suspected, The Bipolar Child is an excellent resource.
There is a book called "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" that may be invaluable for your family. Figuring out why the child is exploding or melting down or having a problem is a huge step toward figuring out a way to avoid the explosion.
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Welcome.
