New to this forum but been around-help!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mog, Aug 17, 2011.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    Ok well to make a VERY long story short. I have a difficult child that came home in January - he got a 15 day kick out plan and now his juvy record is sealed. If I knew then what I know now I would never had started this bs in the first place and maybe things would have turned out a lot different. We were told that if we called the police when difficult child was acting out that the police would call the ambulance and he would be taken to the hospital for physc evaluation which was a lie. the 1st time it happened they charged him with destruction of property. we told the so called therapist what happened and she said that we needed to do it again so they would know we were serious about the physc evaluation. That evaluation never happened and he got more charges. Then over the years -in ond out of trouble and court.
    Anyway he was doing really good in one facility (rehab he called it) then our insurance would not pay for it amy longer so he was moved to a reintegration facility and was doing great until one nigth he got jumped by three kids. The one kid got arrested and the other two got kicked out of the program and then the faculty starting giving difficult child an attitude and eventually he got kicked out. We went to court and the judge told him they were done with him and gave him a 15 day kick out with time served so he sat in jail for 3 days and came home. No more court dates, no more probation and no more bull. He didn't even come home-he had husband pick him up and drive him into our town and he didn't come back. I had planned a little celebration but it didn't happen.He stayed with friends until he wore out his welcome and had to move home. Got a job!! Got a girlfriend and was doing good then decided to move in with the girlfriend and her parents. Did great for about 3-4 months then lost his job and the "mother-in-law" decided that he needed to work at least 2 jobs in order to be with her daughter so he moved home and they broke up-got back together-broke up and well now its back and forth on a daily basis. After he moved home -again- things were ging ok. He got another jo right away and was working nights but husband was giving him attitude about taking him and picking him up. STILL!! no matter where he needs to go(ANOTHER HUGE PROBLEM)
    he was buying food, helping prepare meals , cleaning up after himself and then all of a sudden it stopped and his old attitude came back.
    Then our oldest son asked if he could come home--thats a whole nother story--
    but difficult child is now acting worse. lost the 3rd job he has had but his anger seems to be excalating. He had pretty good control of it when he came home but it is out of control sometimes. He busted our new 42 inch flat screen tv in the living room and we did call the cops but I did not have the heart or the money to start all this **** again. I don't want him to go to jail and he does really good as long as he doesn't have to be here 24 7 which is why i dont understand that husband has a attitude about taking him to and from work, If he was working it would be better. He is bipolar and has restless leg, so he has decided that the night shift works best for him(yeah HE said that) He IS a hard worker when he is working but he wont do anything around here anymore because of husband attitude.
    ugh I am rambling soo sorry -I just dont know what to do!!! Help
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    If it were me? I'd have my foot so far up husband's fanny he wouldn't be able to comment on difficult child. wth? Is he trying to sabotage the kid or what?

    Is there any way to get him different arrangements for transport to and from work and just bypass husband on that completely?

    I recall posts before, this has been an ongoing issue with husband hasn't it?

    Is there another family member (aunt/uncle) who would be willing to take him in if he got a job and paid room and board? Because I'm thinking husband is as a mountain of an issue as long as difficult child is home. And it will remain an issue until you and husband can work out what is acceptable for both of you.

    That is a lot to go through.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im gonna tell you point blank that some, if not most, difficult child males do not get along with the father if they have been gone and come back home. There is a pecking order with males in a household not unlike roosters on the yard. Only room for one Rooster on the yard and the older rooster wants to fight all the younger males that come into their territory. The younger ones will fight the older one to try to take over and its not pretty. As the mother, you are the hen of the oldest rooster and you have to stick with that rooster.

    We went through this with my son several times with Cory and it was never easy but Tony was g0img to have a darnedheart attack if something didnt change. My son has done much better out of the home too.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree with the foot up husband's fanny.

    Why not give difficult child a bicycle to get back and forth? If he really wants to work he can get there on a bike. Lots of people do it here, and not just the college kids. Heck, my husband biked about 9 miles each way to work for several years - was in great shape, it made him feel really good and saved a ton of money. At night he would need a light on the bike and some good reflectors on the bike and his helmet and pref his shirt also.

    Or why doesn't he arrange some kind of carpool with his friends? Of you see what a taxi would cost and ahve him pay a part of that amt to you and husband for taking him to work if husband won't do it otherwise.

    Why is your husband trying to sabotage him?

    He needs to replace the tv, even if he pays you some each month - this should be a higher priority for his $ than most "fun" things like goingo ut with friends.
  5. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    I had to read some of your previous posts after what Janet said, to get a better overview.

    I think you have a definite "not" pecking order in your home, that constantly gets challenged and ignored, and it sounds to me that you are powerless to make any changes or to enforce your rules. I honestly do not think that you can make any lasting changes or improvements in your family dynamics, until you yourself empower yourself. Before you can help any of your children, you need to help yourself. Drinking, excess sleeping, going back to work, your husbands disability, your kids troubles, etc etc - this is a mega load of stress and very depressing as well, it sounds like you are barely holding on by the tip of your fingers. I don't have any suggestions for the behaviors of your sons or your husband at this time, as you will not be able to enforce them, until you yourself have achieved some clarity for your own life. I strongly suggest counseling for yourself. Go to AA and Alanon meetings. Help yourself first, before you think about helping the rest of the family.

    Assess your marriage and go from there - it sounds like a typical his and hers preferred treatment scenario here - your kids vs his kids. I help mine and you help yours, and very much a like/dislike power struggle there. If you love your husband and want to remain married, I would suggest you both put both of the boys out, help them get a place [efficiency apartment, homeless shelter, econo hotel] for the first month with the understanding that they are on their own afterwards [and that includes any other adult children that are not in school or college and living with you - fair is fair!]. That gives them a place to stay, a roof over their head, and time [4 weeks] to go job hunting and getting something going for themselves. If they are not getting along, give each his own econy hotel room. Put them in different parts of the town, where they want to be. They are both adults, and it is obvious that this is not working at home. With both gone, this will give you and your husband time to be together and getting to know each other again, assess what you want in your marriage and how to get there. Sounds to me that you both should have some sort of counseling together as well...

    Do work on getting some clarity for yourself though too - do not use this upset to hide behind and avoid dealing with your own issues... Heartfelt hugs!
  6. mog

    mog Member

    Sorry it has taken so long to get back on here! Things have just been crazy. difficult child did have a bike and rode it all over town to do things he wanted then would call for us to pick him up. He live up the hill and he would take off 10 miles or more to work then hang out with the girlfriend and that was working for a bit until he went to see the girlfriend and his bike got stolen while they were having lunch, No he did not have a lock because two days before husband and him got into a fight about the chain and lock and difficult child gave it back to him.
    No we have no family living here anymore and he only has a small handful of trusted friends and I really don't think that he wants to impose and ruin their friendship then he would be all alone and I can respect that. He knows that he can be a hand full.
    I wish I had the money to put them in an efficiency apartment but right now we are really struglling financially.
    husband and I were doing really well with our marriage until difficult child moved home then it got worse now that the other son is home. I do alot for his son and it upsets me that husband treats difficult child this way.
    Neither son is working right now. difficult child does great with the family dynamics as long as he isn't living here. He really is trying to repair the relationship[s with the other kids but living here breaks us all down.
    difficult child is out tonight and said he probably isn't coming home and the other son was gone before I got home so who knows the truth about what he is doing.
    We have no insurance so I can't afford counseling-I have been talking to my preist so much that lately I haven't been going to church because I am worried about what he is thinking. I know I shouldn't think that way but when someone knows all your dirty secrets its hard to socialize with them
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK I am going to go a bit out on a limb here and admittedly I have not followed everything that has happened with your difficult child in the past, so forgive me if I am way off base. But what I hear in your posts is how your son keeps getting kicked out, and things keep happening to him.... but I don't hear too much about what your son did to get kicked out or that he has any responsibility for the things that happen to him. So I feel like I am missing part of the story.... and this is familiar to me because i often feel this way with my difficult child too.... and it is because he lies to me about what really happened!!! So one thing is really important and that is that your difficult child be held accountable for his actions, his behaviors, that cause him to get kicked out of places. He is an adult now and is responsible for his own behavior. I don't think anything will change until he is held accountable and accepts responsbility for the situation he is in.