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New to this. Grown Child homeless and messing up big time.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 672898" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Miss Tired, and welcome to the forum.</p><p></p><p>When you're exhausted and not sleeping and in deep grief and confusion and despair over your son and his decisions, it's really hard to change the course of things.</p><p></p><p>Can you keep it very very simple at first? Until you can start **unhooking** from him? Because that is what it is going to take, for you to get some relief and start finding some peace and contentment (and it IS Possible to find these things, even if he doesn't). </p><p></p><p>You have gotten good advice from other Warrior Moms already.</p><p></p><p>For starters:</p><p></p><p>1. Like Lil said please read the detachment post on this forum. I printed it out and posted it on my bathroom mirror and I read it every single day at first. Make it your mantra. </p><p></p><p>2. Decide to turn your phone off and put it in the other room between the hours of 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. There is just about nothing you need to know that can't wait during those hours. </p><p></p><p>3. Do one kind thing for yourself every single day. A great thing to begin is writing a gratitude list every morning. Sit for five minutes and write down five things. Maybe it's the fact that the sun is shining, that you have enough food and shelter for the day, that you saw some flowers outside. Keep it simple but do it every single day. You will be amazed at the transformation in you.</p><p></p><p>4. Start going to Al-anon. This is a free resource and there are meetings in virtually every community, town and city in the world (or most of the world). These people understand and they get it. They have been there too. There is a great deal of good thinking, support and compassion here. I go to one meeting a week still today and it is usually the best hour of my week. </p><p></p><p>Here is what we have learned:</p><p></p><p>1. If nothing changes, nothing changes. <strong><u>You</u></strong> have to be the change, because it is near 100 percent likely he is not going to change on his own without a reason. </p><p>2. Helping doesn't help. For most of us, the more we help, the more things don't change. In my case, the more I helped, the worse it got. Finally, I was completely sick and tired and exhausted and I finally got it that I was going to have to change.</p><p>3. Changing ourselves is extremely hard work. We will take two steps forward and one step back. Detaching with love from our precious adult children is counter-cultural. It "isn't what Moms do." It takes practice, it takes work, it takes energy and it takes a toolbox with tools that we can use every day.</p><p>4. Our emotions are always lagging way behind our thinking and our behavior...as we start the hard work of change. Don't expect to feel good about this. You won't, and that is what makes it even harder. We have to learn to unhook our emotions---which are real and true---from our actions and our behavior. Again, this takes work and it takes time. </p><p>5. If we don't learn how to and start setting healthy boundaries with our adult children, we are literally robbing them of the chance to become an adult and live life on life's terms. I believe the highest and best love we can have for our children is letting them go (the "Perfect" children as well as the DCs). This is something I have had to learn how to do and I still mess up. </p><p></p><p>Please know we are here for you. We can offer ideas, encouragement and support but we respect your right and your decision to do what is best for you. We can't know what that is. Only you can figure that out every day.</p><p></p><p>But we have been right where you are, and most of us have felt exactly as you describe and have asked the same very tough questions you are asking.</p><p></p><p>For me, I spent six very hard and long years watching my son lose his life as he knew it and continue on a very self-destructive path which included jail, multiple rounds of homelessness, many arrests, and drug addiction and alcohol addiction. For the past nearly 18 months, he has steadily been rebuilding his life, and I still have to work to stay out of the way. </p><p></p><p>We're here for you. Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 672898, member: 17542"] Hi Miss Tired, and welcome to the forum. When you're exhausted and not sleeping and in deep grief and confusion and despair over your son and his decisions, it's really hard to change the course of things. Can you keep it very very simple at first? Until you can start **unhooking** from him? Because that is what it is going to take, for you to get some relief and start finding some peace and contentment (and it IS Possible to find these things, even if he doesn't). You have gotten good advice from other Warrior Moms already. For starters: 1. Like Lil said please read the detachment post on this forum. I printed it out and posted it on my bathroom mirror and I read it every single day at first. Make it your mantra. 2. Decide to turn your phone off and put it in the other room between the hours of 9 p.m. and 6 a.m. There is just about nothing you need to know that can't wait during those hours. 3. Do one kind thing for yourself every single day. A great thing to begin is writing a gratitude list every morning. Sit for five minutes and write down five things. Maybe it's the fact that the sun is shining, that you have enough food and shelter for the day, that you saw some flowers outside. Keep it simple but do it every single day. You will be amazed at the transformation in you. 4. Start going to Al-anon. This is a free resource and there are meetings in virtually every community, town and city in the world (or most of the world). These people understand and they get it. They have been there too. There is a great deal of good thinking, support and compassion here. I go to one meeting a week still today and it is usually the best hour of my week. Here is what we have learned: 1. If nothing changes, nothing changes. [B][U]You[/U][/B] have to be the change, because it is near 100 percent likely he is not going to change on his own without a reason. 2. Helping doesn't help. For most of us, the more we help, the more things don't change. In my case, the more I helped, the worse it got. Finally, I was completely sick and tired and exhausted and I finally got it that I was going to have to change. 3. Changing ourselves is extremely hard work. We will take two steps forward and one step back. Detaching with love from our precious adult children is counter-cultural. It "isn't what Moms do." It takes practice, it takes work, it takes energy and it takes a toolbox with tools that we can use every day. 4. Our emotions are always lagging way behind our thinking and our behavior...as we start the hard work of change. Don't expect to feel good about this. You won't, and that is what makes it even harder. We have to learn to unhook our emotions---which are real and true---from our actions and our behavior. Again, this takes work and it takes time. 5. If we don't learn how to and start setting healthy boundaries with our adult children, we are literally robbing them of the chance to become an adult and live life on life's terms. I believe the highest and best love we can have for our children is letting them go (the "Perfect" children as well as the DCs). This is something I have had to learn how to do and I still mess up. Please know we are here for you. We can offer ideas, encouragement and support but we respect your right and your decision to do what is best for you. We can't know what that is. Only you can figure that out every day. But we have been right where you are, and most of us have felt exactly as you describe and have asked the same very tough questions you are asking. For me, I spent six very hard and long years watching my son lose his life as he knew it and continue on a very self-destructive path which included jail, multiple rounds of homelessness, many arrests, and drug addiction and alcohol addiction. For the past nearly 18 months, he has steadily been rebuilding his life, and I still have to work to stay out of the way. We're here for you. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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