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Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hilarity, Jan 5, 2008.

  1. hilarity

    hilarity New Member

    I am a single mother, with a 17 year old difficult child. Been diagnosed with ADHD for years and Conduct Disorder. Now off of all medication. Failing school and quesionable if he will gradeuate HS. Slams doors, spews obscenities at me constatly, I have to lock up anything I don't want stolen - PHD also said to put a lock on my bedroom door "just in case" so I have done that. Has two court cases pending for Assault and Indecent exposure as well as a very large speeding court case. I have tried everything I know of to do for him therapy for years and nothing has done anygood. I feel like I'm in hell and then I feel like I'm the only one in his corner so I need to stay in his hell corner.

    Now that he is off of all Medication I have started taken Effexor in order to Function in this crazyness. Any pointers for me. I have a good job that I thank god for - it allows for about 9 hours of escape from this daily.
  2. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Welcome hilarity. Sorry you had to find us but it is a great place for support/advice/ really is a soft place to land.

    been there done that with locking things up as well as a lock on the bedroom door. Hopefully you have a deadbolt. We started with just the key lock doorknob but graduated up after difficult child broke in a couple of times. With him, it's not so much the stealing (although that has been an issue in the past) as it is his "creativity". He will take things, disassemble things or combine things to make something. No one quite knows what it is he's made but he made it. We've also gotten an increase in attitude and mouthiness. Not quite to your level but it's still a PITA. How much longer till he's 18? Court cases aside, I would tell him that unless his attitude/behavior changes, he WILL be moving out once he's 18 school or not. That's our plan with our difficult child. If he straightens up, we'll allow him to live here provided he has a job and pays rent. Otherwise, he better have some good friends he can stay with. in my humble opinion, that's not something you should have to deal with. On the other hand though, when are his court dates? Is he being tried as an adult or as a juvenile? I believe you should be able to speak with the prosecutor (or even his attorney) and let them know his history and see if maybe you could get him placed in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or at least make treatment and school part of his requirements. Just my two cents so take it for what it's worth.

    Weekends tend to be slow around here but others will be by with more help. Hang in there! You're not alone now.
  3. hilarity

    hilarity New Member

    Thanks for responding. He will be 18 Feb 2, but in Nebraska age of majority is 19. His court date is Jan 31 - I put down a $1,000 fee for an attorney for him. Looking back I feel that is quite enabling on my part. He did what he did and he should face the real-life consequences for it. I shouldn't have gotten him a lawyer should I have? His pychologist said that there really is no reason for me to do that because it is just the begging of a long road of this stuff. You either step aside and let him fall now or later. Guess I am just basically more nurturing than that.
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    No matter, you got the lawyer, he needs one so I wouldn't worry about it. But.....I would make it clear that if he doesn't accept the consequences of these charges or winds up in court again that you aren't getting him another lawyer. If he can't pay for one, that's what they have public defenders for. Put it on him. You've helped him this one time. If he blows it, it's all on him. You may want to check on the laws in your state though. If the age of majority is 19, you may still be required to provide an attorney as you are his parent. Just something to keep in mind.

    We're at a stand still with our son. Everyone on his team is in agreement. We've done all we can to help or provide him with the services he needs to work on things or better himself. It's at the point now that it's all up to him. Yes, we'll support his efforts but he has to do it from here on out. The only problem is that he "doesn't DO effort". At this point, I provide what he legally needs and a little more if I think his behavior has warrented it. (Not often that happens though) husband and I are in the process of planning our course of action for when difficult child graduates and I have the feeling it's going to be a long road. (see post titled Help On Plan.....or something of that nature. LOL I've forgotten what it was called already) So yeah, I can empathize with you and your situation. It's tough but sometimes we have to force them to do for themselves.
  5. hilarity

    hilarity New Member

    It is great to have people to talk to about this. Most run of the mill people don't get it - they think that you just spoiled them by buying too many playstation games, or you don't ground them long enough! I've always been the type of person who plays by the rules, feel comfort in staying inbetween the lines, parenting difficult child has been like a roller-coaster on an hourly basis.
  6. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hi hilarity -


    Just curious why he's gone off all medications? Have you noticed things escalating since he's been medication free? Any chance he's doing illegal drugs?

    I don't think you are enabling your son by hiring an attorney. He is still (technically) a child and this is his first run in with the legal system. Don't be too hard on yourself - it's so hard to know what 'the right thing' is with our kids.

    Glad you found us - it does help to know that others ride the roller-coaster too.
  7. hilarity

    hilarity New Member

    He's been on different ADHD medications since Elementary school - then last summer the psychologist said he wasn't seeing the improvement in school or behavior that he wanted to see difficult child he was getting worse - so he took him off of them. Yes he is lots worse without the Concerta. Psychologist thought at one point he had a personality disorder - sociopath - but he ruled that out now and says he thinks its more conduct disorder and that it's up to difficult child to get his act together.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Are you sure he has ADHD? Sure it's not something else that needs a different type of medications? And are you sure he isn't abusing recreational drugs? (Warning: ADHD drugs are very abused among teens--my daughter was deep into the drug scene and told me all about it--kids would actually fake ADHD to get the stims or steal from sibs or, at worst, buy them at $10 a pill!) They crushed them in pillcrushers and snorted them either alone or with garbage like cocaine. in my humble opinion he sounds like more going on that ADHD--any mood disorders or autism on the family tree?
    At this point, and at his age, he is the one who will have to decide to get help and comply with treatment. I would take his problems to a neuropsychologist (my first choice) or a Psychiatrist (with the MD--skip the PHD) and get one last opinion and an attempt at help before he turns 18. I am leery of Psychologists. They have no medical degrees, don't do any testing and tend to sprew things like "sociopath." That's not necessarily so--he could very well be dead wrong. I'll bet either a neuropsychologist or Psychiatrist would give quite a different diagnosis and probably try medications NOT in the ADHD stimulant family. NeuroPsychs are also psychologists but they do intensive testing and have extra training in the brain. My son got a great evaluation from one and nothing good ever came from a psychologist (a regular one) either for my son or me. Good luck1
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hey again. Has he been under the care of a Psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents? I really strongly believe that a
    Psychologist is not the one to decide what medications he should take
    or not take. He obviously is disordered. Disordered people either take medications to help them become orderly or they end
    up on the wrong side of life. Adolescents who are disordered
    need a parent to force the issue. Just taking Concerta ( which
    has been a marvelous help to three of mine...ranging from 36mg,
    64mg and now difficult child takes 72mg) will not solve the other issues.
    ADHD is not a disorder that includes violence in most cases. He
    must need additional medicine to supplement the Concerta. It is
    well worth the price to find the BEST expert Psychiatrist and
    do whatever is necessary to get difficult child to go AND to take the medications.
    He is about old enough to get a few basic rules. Number one rule
    is NO violence will be tolerated or the police will be called...
    that is not negotiable. Number two rule is taking medication is
    required if you want to live in MY home. Those two rules will
    help alot. If he can't follow them...then, he should not be in
    your home. Hugs. DDD
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just wanted to say welcome..........and thank you for responding to my post on general.
    I wish I had tons of advice, and words of wisdom, but as you can see, I am just barely hanging on myself.
    I do want to welcome you though, and let you know that you have landed in a soft place - this board is awesome. Come here and vent as often as you like, and there will always be someone to listen, and who can relate.

    Hang in there.......and keep fighting the good fight.
  11. hilarity

    hilarity New Member

    Thanks for all of your input - I looked in the phone book and there are no Neuropsychiatrists in this town. Which do you think would be the best bet, here's what I can pick from, Psychiatrist, Neuropsychologist, Neurologist?
  12. hilarity

    hilarity New Member

    Here's another thing. When I was pregnant with Alex I had a seizure disorder and was on Tegretol - a very teritogenic drug to be on when you are pregnant. During the pregnancy I went to a perinatologist who said there was 30% chance that difficult child would be born deformed, low intellectional functioning, etc. I have brought this up to the Psychologists and they have never gone anywhere with it. I wonder if the Neurologist would be able to shed some light on this. difficult child has no physical deformity so I guess the thought with the doctor's was he wasn't affected. What do you all think? Would the Neurologist be the best bet to investigate this?
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Hilarity,

    Of your choices, I would go with the psychiatrist.

    Use this opportunity to get a second opinion. When we had to change psychiatrists because of insurance I told the new psychiatrist all about my son. I sure wish I'd kept my mouth shut and let him start from square one because I know my comments swayed his diagnosis and didn't end up being a true second opinion after all.


  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I can relate also. My son was diagnosed ADHD in first grade. He started taking Ritilin then. He continued taking it and we continued going to counseling until he was in junior high. He then switched to Adderall up until high school. His schooling was still hard for him and he would get inttrouble. He was in resource and some Special Education. He is not mentally retarded but needed more one-on-one. Anyway, by 11th grade he stopped taking all medicines - said they made him feel bad - dropped out of school - here you can sign yourself out at 17 - he got a job and started smoking pot - and the rest is history. He is in jail now. He is 24. He has done a lot of drugs trying to find the one that makes him feel good or normal. He does not do what the doctor tells him to do - he cons them into giving him the drugs he wants. I hope you do not have to deal with this. Be on the lookout for continued behavior changes and do not hesitiate to call the police if you need to. I had to. My son sounds similar to yours. Take Care.