New to this site

[caregiverkc]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this site and actually new to talking to anyone outside of my immediate family about my son and his "issues". I can use all the advice I can get and hopefully something will work, besides the not so great advice family members give.

My husband and I have a 6 year old son and a brand new 5 week old little girl at home. Our son for the most part is a great kid but 2 years ago he started having behavioral issues. The last straw was when he almost had me arrested at his Karate tournament because a parent told a police officer at the tournament that I was "abusing" my son when I pushed him away from me when he was punching and kicking me in the bathroom. I don't know if any other parent has gone through that, and I would never wish it on anyone because that was the worst feeling in the world. They took him away from me and took me outside where everyone could see what was going on and basically told me that I was not allowed to do that and I was wrong. As if you wouldn't already feel horrible, embarrassed and quite frankly furious with the situation the officer that was "talking" to my son awarded him by getting him a drink and a snack. They then asked him if he wanted them to walk with him to get his dad so he didn't have to be alone with his mom. Furious. For the next few weeks all I could do was cry and wonder what I had done to him to make him act that way.

2 years have gone by since that day, but it still is a burned image in my head. How do you control a kid when he acts that way? I have had him try to jump out of our car when I was driving, he has punched, kicked, bitten and recently has banged my head into the wall and oven door when I have tried to restrain him when he gets that out of control.

He has been diagnosed with ADD and a mood disorder and is taking Abilify and Clonidine for his diagnosis. As a parent you feel horrible, especially when you are diagnosed with bi-polar and all you can do is blame yourself for what is wrong with him.

The reason why I am on here now is because he has recently gotten worse and nothing my husband or myself does is working with him. I NEED HELP!!! I'm tired of the same excuses my parents and family members give me, "he's just a boy", "you spoil him to much", "he'll grow out of it", and my favorite "just pray about it and everything will be ok". I have and now I need a little bit of help from other parents that may be going through the same thing as we are.

Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. We are at our wits ends with trying just about everything and nothing is working.

Thanks for reading my rambling..
Holly

 

[AnnieO]

Hi there - and welcome!

First of all, repeat (aloud) after me: I am NOT a bad mom. I am NOT a bad mom. I am OVERWHELMED.

Next... I can't promise we can fix the problem. However, we can be a good sounding board. in the 2.5 years I've been here I have learned more than I ever thought I would. I came here looking for answers on the behavior of my then-13-y/o stepdaughter... And found a lot of information that's helped with my stepson, too.

Now for the questions...
Was there anything traumatic or major that happened 2 years ago, or is that just when everything swamped you?
Who diagnosis'd your son?
Has he been in counseling?
Has he had a neuropsychological evaluation?
Did the officer even ask you what happened? (Unfortunately, a lot of them DO believe that the adults are the problem. UGH.)
Has your son attacked you since? What happened then? Has he attacked your husband?

I strongly suggest that you go to your library and/or a bookstore and get a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Some of the stuff in there is useful; different ideas work with different children. So you never know which thing might work, but at the very least, it may help you out (did for me).

Also, since you have a newborn - how does your son act around his sister?

and welcome. I'm glad you found us - but sorry you had to.

More people will be along, with their questions and observations. This is a great place.

 

[keista]

Welcome. So sorry you are having such difficulties.

In addition to what Step said and asked, I'm going to suggest investing in a video camera if you haven't already. Unfortunately you have "believability issues". This is not uncommon. If you can get video of your son's (and your) actions, It might help in that area. You should NOT allow yourself to become his victim because ppl won't believe you. (Men have this problem with domestic violence when it is the WOMAN who is violent - the second a man defends himself, he is viewed as the guilty party) Of course "defending yourself" against a small child has different rules, like restraining or that "pushing away", but I got the sense you know that and that is all you were doing 2 years ago. I BELIEVE YOU.

especially when you are diagnosed with bi-polar and all you can do is blame yourself for what is wrong with him.

Stop the pity party. It's just draining your positive energy. Yes, your diagnosis gave you son a better than average chance of having similar problems, but it was never a guarantee - just like eye color, hair color, and even skin color. It's true. I have a friend BORN into a lily white family, yet she has OLIVE skin. It's a gene from waaaaaaaaaaay back in their genetic line.

Instead of blaming yourself, focus your energy to get all the assistance for him you possibly can. Oh, that's, right, you ARE doing that! You're a GREAT Mom!

by the way I have a family member who thinks that if I would just baptize my kids, all their problems would go away. Trust me, if I thought it would work, I'd do it.

Stick around. You found a great place for support, insights and guidance.

 

[hamlet]

Welcome to the site. I am a newbie as well, and have been through a lot of what you describe with my son. I'm sorry I'm not sure I have much advice or good ideas for you, but I certainly can sympathize. From the beginning of my son's violence I was terrified that he would push me far enough that I would respond to him in kind. I had to talk to a lot of therapists to find out what my limit was and how I could respond to his aggression while at the same time preserving my integrity.

difficult child's violence toward me started when he was 3 1/2, when my younger son was diagnosis with leukemia. I spent many nights in the hospital with easy child, including one stretch of 32 days. Every day my ex-husband would bring difficult child to the hospital and he and I would go out together for a few minutes and to get dinner for the family. During this time, my son would physically attack me in whatever way he could. He would punch me, kick me, slap me, throw things at me, try to trip me, push, poke and pinch me. Of course, this was accompanied by yelling at me, calling me names, threatening me, and other verbal abuse. Often this would happen in a restaurant or other public place. I got a lot of sympathetic looks, but no help whatsoever.

When he was younger I could physically restrain him and would sometimes carry him to his room for a time out. I once was lifting him off of the floor by his underarm, (not pulling on his arm,) without computing that the arc in which he would rise would put his face right at the same level as the arm of a wrought iron chair. Yep, I gave him a black eye. When I admitted to a therapist that I had slapped him on the face in order to snap him out of a string of expletives and threats to my life, she warned me that I was right on the edge.

I then decided I would use Ghandi's concept of peaceful resistance. I would move to another room or cower on the couch until the storm would pass. Usually I was trying to shield my younger easy child from flying objects and flying fists. Eventually I just let him beat on me, until one incident when he used my own hand to hit me repeatedly on the face. I then decided that he could not be allowed to beat me and get away with it. With the agreement of the therapist, I have taken measures to protect myself when he is coming at me. These are defensive maneuvers, quite like what you did in the bathroom, I'm sure. Still, when I am in a public place I am very leery of using any measure of force against difficult child. Instead I will talk to him, saying things like, "Everyone can see you. Everyone is looking over here and can hear what you are saying. All these people are embarrassed because of how you are treating me. Everyone is scared of you because you are shouting at me and threatening me." When he does this in public I try to avoid being near him so he cannot whisper to me. Only once has anyone intervene to threaten to call the police on HIM, and yet they called the police on YOU for far far less!

If it has gotten worse when once your difficult child was stabilized, then perhaps a medications change is in order. If he gets really out of control and physically violent, you may have no choice but to call a crisis line. I have the number programed into my phone, although I've never had to call it. For your own safety and especially for your daughter's safety see if there is one in your area.

 

[JJJ]

Welcome to the site! This place has been my "home" for 10 years. Glad you found us, sorry you needed to.

 

[april1974]

I just want to say Welcome, I am new here also, that must have been horrible to have the police called on you(((Hugs)))

 

[april1974]

Welcome to the site. I am a newbie as well, and have been through a lot of what you describe with my son. I'm sorry I'm not sure I have much advice or good ideas for you, but I certainly can sympathize. From the beginning of my son's violence I was terrified that he would push me far enough that I would respond to him in kind. I had to talk to a lot of therapists to find out what my limit was and how I could respond to his aggression while at the same time preserving my integrity.

difficult child's violence toward me started when he was 3 1/2, when my younger son was diagnosis with leukemia. I spent many nights in the hospital with easy child, including one stretch of 32 days. Every day my ex-husband would bring difficult child to the hospital and he and I would go out together for a few minutes and to get dinner for the family. During this time, my son would physically attack me in whatever way he could. He would punch me, kick me, slap me, throw things at me, try to trip me, push, poke and pinch me. Of course, this was accompanied by yelling at me, calling me names, threatening me, and other verbal abuse. Often this would happen in a restaurant or other public place. I got a lot of sympathetic looks, but no help whatsoever.

When he was younger I could physically restrain him and would sometimes carry him to his room for a time out. I once was lifting him off of the floor by his underarm, (not pulling on his arm,) without computing that the arc in which he would rise would put his face right at the same level as the arm of a wrought iron chair. Yep, I gave him a black eye. When I admitted to a therapist that I had slapped him on the face in order to snap him out of a string of expletives and threats to my life, she warned me that I was right on the edge.

I then decided I would use Ghandi's concept of peaceful resistance. I would move to another room or cower on the couch until the storm would pass. Usually I was trying to shield my younger easy child from flying objects and flying fists. Eventually I just let him beat on me, until one incident when he used my own hand to hit me repeatedly on the face. I then decided that he could not be allowed to beat me and get away with it. With the agreement of the therapist, I have taken measures to protect myself when he is coming at me. These are defensive maneuvers, quite like what you did in the bathroom, I'm sure. Still, when I am in a public place I am very leery of using any measure of force against difficult child. Instead I will talk to him, saying things like, "Everyone can see you. Everyone is looking over here and can hear what you are saying. All these people are embarrassed because of how you are treating me. Everyone is scared of you because you are shouting at me and threatening me." When he does this in public I try to avoid being near him so he cannot whisper to me. Only once has anyone intervene to threaten to call the police on HIM, and yet they called the police on YOU for far far less!

If it has gotten worse when once your difficult child was stabilized, then perhaps a medications change is in order. If he gets really out of control and physically violent, you may have no choice but to call a crisis line. I have the number programed into my phone, although I've never had to call it. For your own safety and especially for your daughter's safety see if there is one in your area.

Oh my gosh, you brought me to tears, I can't imagine how you must have felt being abused by your own son. I hope the medications are working for your son and he no longer does that to you♥

 

[KTMom91]

Welcome, Holly!

 

[caregiverkc]

Thank you for replying to me. You don't understand how great it feels to finally be able to talk about my son and all of the problems with other parents that understand what we are going through.

To answer your questions, all of the things that have happened in the last 2 years nothing traumatic has occurred. Of course, the everyday things and things that we can't control have happened, but for the most part everything started out of the blue with him.. After the Karate incident my husband and I researched different psychologists and psychiatrists that are specialized in kids, and my own doctor recommended his current psychiatrist, who is wonderful. The only problem is that when something happens, like now, he of course is on vacation. We spent the first appointment with him going over family history, talking to our son privately and also with us and filling out "tests". I'm not sure if that is what a neuropsychological evaluation is, but that's what we have done. He goes every 3 months back to the doctor for check ups and more often if needed.

The most upsetting thing about the incident with the police is that when they came into the bathroom, they asked what was going on and I told them it was just a temper tantrum. The one that took me away asked if it was mine or his..... I don't understand to this day how I was able to control myself when he asked me that and not just go off and ask him how he would even ask me that. Since that day things have ups and downs and right now we are going through the "down" part. Of course he is older now and we try to "reason" with him as much as you can, but that doesn't always work. Just last week he got mad because we had to take his sister to the doctor and I wasn't able to get a hold of his old babysitter to see if she could watch him. From there it just escalated throughout the day. He tried to run away telling me he didn't care about me and I am a "bad mommy". That only caused us to get into a wrestling match from me trying to keep him from running away. He's strong and it's scary to think about what he did and what could have happened. This lasted over an hour and during that time he bit me multiple times, leaving large welts and bruises on my arms, punched me in the face, kicked and pulled my hair which in turn he realized he was able to bang my head onto the floor and then upstairs in the kitchen. The only thing that stopped him was when I told him that he left the back gate open and his dog had probably run away. Amazing that that dog probably saved me from losing my mind and literally kept me from beating him.

He loves his sister. He kisses her and always wants to hold her. I am scared that he will try to hurt her eventually when he gets like this, because nothing can stop him when he gets like that.

He's a great kid. Very affectionate and smart. It's hard to believe when you hear these stories, but he really is and I love him so much. That's why it hurts so badly when he acts this way. I just want to find out what to do to help him.

Thank you so much again for listening. I feel so much better knowing that we are not the only parents going through this. Even though it feels like it most of the time... thank you again!

 

[AnnieO]

I'm really concerned about the change "out of the blue". He's very, very young... Usually there are some signs. For instance, it seemed with Onyxx that it was "out of the blue" - but... Then we looked back. As a toddler she had violent outbursts. She stole way before. And then add in trauma - and WHAM! HUGE escalation.

You got a cop that needs sensitivity training. Seriously, that was ridiculous. Once upon a time, I was asked what I did to provoke Onyxx beating the SNOT out of me. Really? REALLY?

...As for your son telling you that you are a bad mommy - how would HE know? Keep that in mind. Do NOT start believing him. You're not - or you wouldn't be here.

Him adoring his sister helps - but. Still. Don't leave them alone together. She cannot protect herself.

You need a video camera. Motion sensor would be good - to catch when stuff happens with your son - then call the cops. Seriously - it will open doors. It may take a while. But it will. And the video will show that you are defending yourself - childrens services isn't only for abused kids.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} I know it's so hard...

 

[InsaneCdn]

Others have asked about whether there was any trauma about 2 years ago... the answer seems to be "no", but I'd like to add to that: as far as you know.

Does he go to daycare? playschool? other friends' houses? Or, it could be some trusted family member... BUT - unless you live in total isolation - this is a very real possibility: all it would take is a single incident of sexual interferance, going back about 2 years. It might be one-time, or it might be on-going. This alone can trigger very serious - and on-going - behavior problems.

Do NOT attempt to deal with this yourself. You will only confuse the situation. This requires access to a psychiatrist who specializes in child sexual abuse. Tell them you have no idea what might have happened, but that you need to know if this is a possibility and/or reality.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there! Adding my welcome and my concern about two years ago.

Most of our kids have been "different" or "difficult" since birth. Was there any indication at all that this could be him one day? It there is absolutely nothing, I would try to figure out what MAY have happened back then. Although sometimes kids are ok and then they aren't ok and it's hard to explain it. Has he had a head injury? Did you divorce? Did anyone die. (This is a hard questsion) Could anyone you don't know have abused him in some way? Maybe at school?

Any psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of his family tree? You say he is bright. Did he have normal early development and does he have normal social skills with his same age peers.

You are smart to watch him around his sister.

Hugs!!! Sorry I came into this so late. I was out of town.

 

[Wiped Out]

Just adding in my welcome. I'm sorry you have suffered so much physical and emotional abuse from your son. I've experience the abuse and I know how harmful it can be. Glad you found us, stick around and you will find this place to be a life saver!

 

[Star*]

Hi there and welcome!

Well, I had to chuckle - "Is this you having a temper tantrum or him?" -......"Well officer it just depends.....are you going to allow me to finish parenting my special needs child and get through this difficulty or are you going to stick your abnormally large and unknowing nose into my business and make this situation worse?" (shut your MOUTH Star you only complicate things) Yeaaaaaaaaah. (exhales) I dunno - I've thrown temper tantrums, but usually as a 'here is what one looks like' OH and there was that one time in Kmart - I could NOT get across to my son "dude" that you need to PUT the toy back that we can't afford today - he threw it, I laid on the floor and kicked and screamed, flailed my arms - and tossed about for like three minutes screaming what a horrible Mother I was because I couldn't buy him a toy - to which he came up, gritted his teeth and said "Get up Mom you are 'barrasing me." To which I explained "The toy goes back on the shelf-when I say it does - PERIOD. I can throw a tantrum too- and I'm bigger, and louder and can draw a crowd - WAY quicker - so the next time I ask in public for you to DO something - I would do it. Understand me? and all I got was a head nod - and the toy was put back "ZACTLY" where it was gotten from." from that day on - all I ever had to say in public was K....mart and well - the rest was pretty much gotten in line.

It's true - Our kids can really do a number on us, their siblings, their teachers - the neighborhoods - it's emotionally, physically and mentally draining. For now? I'll start by saying GET a therapist, (therapist) for you and for him. If you can get the entire family envolved? That's fantastic. You're all going to need to know how to live with this young man that will absolutely NOT adjust to being parented, taught or live like any other child. He is UNIQUE to the world he was born into. He doesn't understand why he does the things he does - and neither will you. So stop trying to figure it out - and get to someone that can help you communicate effectively. He may also need as I think a lot of the ladies have suggested - a psychiatrist - someone to examine him from top to bottom and see if some kind of medication will help him NOT cure him - but help him.

You've found a great source of help, support - education not only for yourself - because now you are in a place where you are going to have to EDUCATE those around you and make them UNDERSTAND that just because they can't SEE a disability in your son - doesn't mean he does not HAVE a disability. That includes teachers as well, and when it comes to his education? You can find a wealth of information here as to what extra benefits your son qualifies for - so he CAN get an education without hindrances and get help.

Welcome to the board!

Star

 

[Malika]

Good lord, Star... Your post has proven to me beyond shadow of reaonable doubt that you cannot have in your body a single English gene... had I been offered the choice between instant and painful death and throwing a tantrum like that in public, I suppose I would, after agonised reflection, have chosen the former... A close run thing. BRAVO that woman!!
Welcome to the forum caregiver. We all know (in varying degrees I suppose) of what you speak... And, yes, wouldn't it be nice if just praying made things magically transform into the way we want? Evaluations, I suppose, diagnoses - where are you with all that? You say your son has got worse. Do you at all have an inkling as to why? Can you say more about this, the ways in which he is "worse"? Would you say the relationship between you has somewhat broken down because of it?
Hugs. Please keep informing yourself/ves - it's a large part of the battle, I think.

 

[Star*]

I am of course - French. and.....hysterically funny. ASK almost anyone.

 

[HaoZi]

Hello and welcome. Coming into this late, but I'll say you've found a bunch here from all walks of life that know what you're dealing with.