New Topic - Son vs. Daughter difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BKS, Oct 20, 2012.

  1. BKS

    BKS New Member

    I am curious, after reading posts by others dealing with detachment (and knowing the struggle my husband and I have just started with it) if anyone has any thoughts about feelings being different for a daughter vs. son difficult child experiencing issues? Is either parent more/less protective of their opposite gender child?

    Just a thought......

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In my case, I was much more protective of my daughter.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    In this family, husband is very attached to daughter. He feels bad for her because he is bipolar and she has "issues", still undiagnosed as far as I'm concerned. He feels a type of "mental illness camaraderie". She has completely rejected my mothering since the age of twelve. She prefers her dad. Our sons still need me and tell me so. I think it depends both on the parent and the child.
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I am one of three daughters (no difficult children among us) who grew up with loving parents, but with a particularly doting father. I have one child, a daughter, and for some insane reason...believed her dad would be at least a fraction as protective of her as my dad was of us. Not so. He loves her, but he is not at all protective. Sadly, she wanted and sought that kind of protection from him ... and acted out in all sorts of ways to get it (to no avail). In the meantime, I acted like a crazed banshee in trying to protect her...with very little success. If I'd had a son - difficult child or not - I would have been equally protective (I hope).

    I am working (thank you Families Anonymous) to detach from protecting her from those things "i cannot change". I steadfastly stand by her and offer protection "in the things I can" and work very, very, VERY hard "for the wisdom to know the difference."

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have 3 boys so I have nothing to compare to. I know I do tend to become completely enmeshed in my youngest son's life and his father is an ass about him as far as Im concerned. or I should say he is when he is around certain people like his fathers brother Buck, and occasionally our middle son. Other times he can be good to our son. Buck tends to bring out the very worse in Tony. I cant stand the man.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I cant complare son/daughter difficult children because I have a difficult child son and a easy child daughter. I will say though in general I worry about them more than my husband. He compartamentalizes in a way that I can't... so I tend to worry more and I also am the first one to make a plan or take action. He always catches up but I tend to lead the way. We were talking the other night about the stress it creates and we are lucky that we are generally on the same page. I said to him, we have always been on the same book, but not always on the same page. lol.

    I will also say that I have always and probably will always worry about my son way more than I worry about my daughter. That is because he is a difficult child and he is impulsive, volatile and makes bad decisions. This was true before the drug use started and of course is even worse with the drug use. I dont worry about my daughter very much because she has really good head on her shoulders, is doing well in life and I have a lot of confidence in her. So yeah I might worry at moments about particular situations like when she learned to drive, but I do not worry about her much and neither does my husband.

    My son has been in situations which have left me desperate with worry. He has been in jail and he has been homeless several times. Both of those situations are just awful as a parent. Him being homeless has been awful and has gotten easier as I have realized he has figured out how to survive on his own and on the streets. Still it is hard. I think the homeless part would be even worse for me if he was a girl. One thing I know about my son is he can and will defend himself, I doubt I would feel that with a girl.

    So to me the big difference in worry is the gfgness... and there are ways I would probably worry more if difficult child was a girl, although to be honest it is hard to imagine worrying any more than I already do!!

    And I also do feel letting go and lettign him be homeless was the only thing left for us to do and it has been the right thing to do as crazy as that sounds. If he was still living at home with his behavior, the rest of us would not be doing well, and I am sure my daughter would also now be not doing well and I would have to worry about her. So I do not regret the stand we have taken with him.

  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have two difficult child daughters, so can't speak to sons. I will say that in my opinion the biggest difference with a daughter is the fear of pregnancy, or in my case, the reality of it -- twice for Youngest. Detaching under those circumstances becomes very complicated, yet it remains necessary. It's a fine line to tread and at times I thought I would lose my mind.
  8. BKS

    BKS New Member

    Thank you to everyone who replied. I have a son difficult child so don't know the issues with a daughter.

    CrazyinVA - I am completely in awe of you and your ability to detach from your pregnant child. I can see it would be necessary to keep your sanity for about ten different reasons but it must have been VERY hard. Kudos to you!
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If I had to lay a wager I would say "opposite gender" is a factor....not just with difficult child's but with easy child's as well. "Maybe" it is not true in united families as much as it is in separated families but my easy child son was always so special to me and, lol, my grandsons have a special place in my heart (as everyone knows easy child/difficult child or difficult child#1 especially). on the other hand my easy child girls all feel cherished except for GFGmom and I just had to cut the cord over a decade ago.

    Historically, my two sisters and I were tight as tics with our Daddy. Our brother was "Mom's boy". Maybe we need Dr. Freud to explain it all, LOL. DDD
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you for your kind words. But hey I didn't say I did a great job at it all the time, I just said it was necessary ;-) Sometimes I did (or do) great, sometimes, not so much. It's a process, as everyone says. I think the trick is to not look too far ahead with the "what ifs," lest you drive yourself nuts. True of detachment in any situation, really.