New year day blowout

[newstart]

We were trying to do a few family things over the holidays. We went shopping one day as a family, we do this each year after Christmas. Our 36 1/2 year old daughter was distant with her head in her phone, talking nonstop nonsense and we listened to her talk about political information that only she knows about. The rest of the time was spent lie after lie just to make noise, we went out to a nice dinner, she was still distant and then we went home. My huband and I were wore out to the bone. She sucked us dry. Our energy was depleted and we were as wore out as if we ran 100 miles barefoot.
Last week I posted on here about her trash being high and trash in her yard.
Well today her neighbors called me and said my daughter and 1/2 A boyfriend were up shooting fireworks and left all the trash in their yards and street, he was so fed up with them that I could hear the anger in his voice. I called my daughter right away and told her to get her A outside and pick up that trash right away. My daughter then started to tell me off, how she will not tolerate my BS. The neighbor called me back and told me that while my daughter was on vacation the 1/2 A boyfriend left an upstairs window open for 3 days during pouring rain and now I have to go inspect for water damage. I don't want to tolerate these grown adults stupid behavior, I am so done with it... No not in 2019. I say I am done with it in many of my posts but I am really done with it. If she does not make rent she will be out. She has been making rent since Oct. and boyfriend does not contribute anything, he drains and sucks energy out of anything and everyone, at least she is working. Idiot. Well educated, beautiful, intelligent idot.

Our daughter knows we are not playing around. She will be 37 in a few months. 3 year until 40...

Last financial tie is the house. I hate the feeling of being used.
I am taking active steps forward. On top of her nasty behavior I have a ton of unrelated grief. I look in the mirror and I see an old woman and deeply sad.. I work at changing my attitude everyday, every hour to be upbeat and happy but I keep getting s thrown my way.

I would not wish an off track child on anyone. It is called a nightmare.

 

[Crayola13]

Once she starts paying for her own place she'll probably keep it clean. They're acting like 19 year old college boys in a frat house. The neighbors probably want them gone. I'm sorry about how she treats you and your house.

 

[newstart]

My daughter is living in our rent house. No way could I have her here living in our home space. I think 19 year olds would know better. Tired of her S for sure.

 

[Nomad]

I’m so sorry. I say that too...I wouldn’t wish having a Difficult Child on anyone.

I think you should re think this particular day after Xmas outing event with your daughter.

If she has paid the rent since oct, that’s a fairly good sign. But, there are concerns. Maybe you could tell her you will need to raise the rent if the yard doesn’t get cleaned in the next two days. The reason is that you will have to hire a clean up person for this mess and be prepared for any future messes. It’s just a thought. It’s a difficult situation. I’m so sorry.

We have a similar one going on. Our daughter has gotten a tiny bit better as she has gotten older.

 

[Elsi]

Newstart, I’m so sorry she is putting you through this. I think it would be good to get her out of there. If she can make rent there, she can make rent somewhere else. And it is easier when you know longer have any financial/legal/contractual ties. Let her habits be someone else’s problem, somewhere where none of the neighbors have your number! I have no desire to see or know the details of how my two off track ones live day to day. Ive picked them up from various places in rough parts of the city but am never invited inside and I don’t want to see. I’m sure it would be appalling. I think for many of our kids the disorder around them reflects the disorder in their minds. I could not live with it ... and I don’t have to. Neither should you, even if it’s in a separate rental property. When she’s renting from you it makes it your problem. I find it’s easier to maintain good relationships with mine when I am much less involved in their lives.

Good luck to you. I hope 2019 is your year to reclaim your life for YOU!

 

[RN0441]

Newstart

I think that you should be independent of her financially. I'd sell the house and let her "rent" elsewhere.

There is a saying that we teach people how to treat us. And I think that is true in so many relationships.

Not everyone will take advantage of us and/or our good nature but many do and I think that in your case that it would be best to not be tied into her behaviors. I wouldn't be able to take the constant drama. I know it has improved a lot but just let it be over.

Just thinking of YOU....

 

[DoneDad]

Treat her like any other tenant. If you’re getting complaints and there’s trash in the yard, give her a 3 day notice to perform or quit (that’s what it’s called in California). If she doesn’t clean up or you get more complaints, give her a 30 day notice to quit. If she doesn’t leave, then you have have to go to court. Consult a lawyer in your area to see what the local process is (there are eviction lawyers here who give phone consults for free).

Calling her up and arguing with her isn’t going to accomplish anything. It just sets you up as her punching bag with no consequences for her.

Believe me, even tenants who are not related to you will take advantage of you if you let them.

 

[ahhjeez]

I agree with RN. I know it's easier said than done, but I'd most likely want to sell and sever that last financial tie. This kind of thing could go on for years where they don't clean up, or they are not taking care of the house. Sending hugs for your stress. I know it can't be easy.

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion It works better if family is not tied financially to one another. People think they deserve free passes and can act irresponsibly when the Bank of Mom funds.

It is less stressful if a stranger takes over. Then they either follow the rules or have to work it out with strangers. At your daughters age she shouldnt be dependent on you and its such a headache.

The times I have helped my kids, such as when we gave our daughter a nice down payment on her house, it was a gift with no strings attached. She pays the mortage with her fiance and all the bills and whatever happens now is on them. I wouldnt want to be a landlord to an adult child, especially an irresponsible one.

Think of yourself. You matter.

 

[RN0441]

It reminds me of what they say about going into business with family or friends:

Don't do it.

Money ruins relationships. It just does.

Then there are hard feelings, expectations, someone isn't doing their share, blah blah, yadda yadda kick the dog!

 

[Tired out]

1st the rental amount is for your daughter to live there, not for her boyfriend. Raise the rent and his name has to be o the agreement too or he can't stay there.
Where my son rents , the rent goes up depending on # living there. It makes sense. water and trash pick up is included in rent and more people means more water and more trash.
They also have a line in the rental agreement about outside upkeep. Including, clutter, trash, number of cars.
If they weren't related to you, you would have served them with an eviction notice.
Is the house a family home you want to hold onto?

 

[Triedntrue]

My son does the same. Years ago I let my son move into my house. My brother was working on it and let me know it was a mess. He and his crew stopped working on it. He was not paying rent. He was when i look back in a psychotic state i think. Alienated all the neighbors one started carrying a gun. Difficult Child Called threatening me i dont remember why now. My husband and son went over and a fight ensued police were called. We kicked him out. Every house since has been a mess when he moved out. I will never rent to him again house has been sold it was a big relief. It removed a lot of stress i highly recommend it.

 

[newstart]

I want to thank all of you for such good advice. A lot has happened since my last post. My daughter's neighbor screaming at her sent her into high mania. It really shocked her to the core. She came over to my home crying and trying to blame it on me and felt horrible because I did not stick up for her. I told her that he was tired of putting up with her pig pen life style and he just could not take it anymore. I do make checks to the inside of her house and it is picked up, my daughter just hates yard work. My daughter was over the top manic and non stop crying at my house, her boyfriend was worried about her so he came over. I let the boyfriend in and we all talked. We had a good and progressive talk. We all agree that my daughter is 'mushrooming' us meaning keeping everyone in the dark and lying about everything. Boyfriend said that he thinks she wants us to all stay apart so we can't compare notes. When my daughter tells a lie we now call it 'mushrooming' it helps her not become so manic when we use the word lie. When I call her on a lie she goes balistic and it gets very ugly. I see boyfriend called her on a few 'mushrooms' while they were over. For the first time ever the boyfriend made some sense, I got the very weird feeling that he actually feels sorry for my husband and me. My daughters mania was some of the worse that I have seen in years. We did end up having peace but I am wore out to the bone. I went over to daughters home today and the yard looked good and inside was clean and put together. I hope the neighbor screaming at her got her attention. This rollercoaster ride is horrible. January rent was paid. If they could just hold on for a few more years the house will be paid in full. This last mania was so severe, I am glad it happend over the holidays when she had time off from work, I am positive she would have lost her job had she been around her co workers.

I saw and felt a genuine change in the boyfriend. I could tell that he was trying. I know the both of them keep each other in complete confusion and turmoil but I think he is wanting the madness to end and does not know how to make it end. We exchanged phone numbers, first time in 9 years.

It is so odd to see the same patterns in my daughter as I saw in my disordered mother in law. Same ugly words, making up stuff to justify their ugly behavior. It is truly horrible.

I have so many mixed emotions going on. I do know that in the depth of my heart that I seek peace among us. I desperately want peace and harmony. I will see what all changes in the next few months.

 

[BusynMember]

Even if she owns the house neighbors can and will call the cops if her yard is a disaster and is not in coimpliance with laws. She wont be done getting yelled at until she grows up and cleans her yard.. You cant do anythung about it. Neighbors dont like crap next door. It can even be deemed dangerous.

Your daighter shouldnt own a house. Unless you still playhousekeeper, she will still get in triuble. And you cant live forever.

I dont agree that your daughter was manic. Im no profesdional but I think she is much more borderline. That would make her wig out every time things get tough and it doesnt respond to medications. And I know she refuses all help.

You in my opinion are too deserving of your own good life for this drama from a woman hitting middle age, daughter or not..

Daughter is way too often still relying on mommy at her age. No, its not normal. She may have inherited her grandmother's disordered personality. No matter what you call her outbursts they are not subsiding unless you take care of her problems and she is acting like a young teenager, not an adult homeowner.

Do you want to never have a life? You are kind and deserve and NEED one and you cant force peace with somebody who is as volatile as your daughter. How many years have you tried?

Drama is thy name. Do you want it to be yours too?

You are precious and loving and deserve better.

Love and light ....and detach. Her adult problens are hers to fix. Or not.

 

[AppleCori]

Sounds like this is a way to get attention and control and keep the focus on herself so that she can keep living like a teenager.

It seems to be working for her.

 

[Triedntrue]

I like that term mushrooming that is exactly what my son does. I am glad i no longer have to worry about him keeping the property up. I do feel bad for the landlord but i am learning to say not my problem. You need to learn this as well. Do i occasionally cave in yes but not on taking any responsibility for his lack of taking care of his home.

 

[newstart]

Definition of mania


1: excitement manifested by mental and physical hyperactivity, disorganization of behavior, and elevation of moodspecifically : the manic phase of bipolar disorder

SWOT, I know and understand the meaning of mania, my daughter has text book mania. That is what all the doctors call it and that is what SHE calls it. She goes into full mania. I understand fully what it looks like, how it rears it's ugly head and the destruction it does, it is text book manic mania.

I am working forward and detaching slowly, it is a work in progress but I see steps moving forward, this has been a long and ugly process but I see positive moving forward. With all the thoughts and opinions I still know that my ultimate goal is to have family harmony, I put everything I have into it, I would drop it if I did not see it here and there so I keep plugging away. These past years have been rough for sure but better than when my daughter was 19-28. I mean bits and pieces better, some growth on some days and back to square one during her mania..

 

[Crayola13]

In my town the neighbors could call City Hall. Then, the City would send out a clean up crew. If it happened again, the City would charge a fine.

 

[BusynMember]

In my town YOU clean up AND get a fine. And your neighbors will NOT like you. And you will talked about.

If your daughter gets true mania then she had better take her medications or she wont improve. medications are a huge part of controlling bipolar. Thats one more issue you cant control.

The thing is, we wish we could help our loved ones but we cant.