New year, new scenarios...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Jan 1, 2018.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    short update on older D c. You might remember this past years highlights.

    Jan 2017. Lost her job after 5 weeks at a diner for missing work too many times.
    Mar 2017. Started talking to Marine recruiter. Did delayed entry to Marines.
    Apr to Aug... Hung out with friends...
    Aug 2017. Started a job at a restaurant.
    Sep 2017. Walked off job to go to State Fair
    Oct. 2017. Worked one day at a different restaurant. Thought they would call her with schedule. But actually was suppose to go in the next day! Waited a week to check with them.
    Oct 23, 2017. left for boot camp
    Oct 28, 2017. Started the process to leave military.
    Nov, 13, 2017. Came home.
    Dec. 14, 2017. Asked to follow rules (come home at night, look for a job, all sorts of unreasonable expectations) Grabbed some of her stuff and left with guy of the week.
    Xmas - stopped by with the boyfriend.

    Yesterday, they stopped by, boyfriend says he is buying his grandparents vehicle for $200 a month, putting it in D c's name, cause insurance will be less. I don't know the price...but I am assuming the grandparents will still have the title until it's paid? Or maybe they will sign the vehicle over and expect payments? He is looking at renting a home in the town where he works. I guess right now they are staying part time with his folks, and part time with a friend.

    Just the math for all this scares me. If they get the rental house $550. They think $100 for utilities! Ha! His car ins...$230 a month. $200 for the car payments for grandparents car. More car insurance... These prices may not sound large for most people...but we live in a rural area and people don't have high wages or chances for moving up in jobs.

    I know I have to watch this play out... And I hate it. D c is not a horrible person. But she is not one to follow thru and make good decisions (hence the time line!) I am sure this guy is thinking...she will get a job and contribute to the expenses and they can make it work. I am sure his family thinks we kicked her out of the house, and he is saving this poor girl! She left because she didn't want to follow house rules.

    He's a nice kid. But this is like dejavu for me. 20 years ago my son tried to save D c's mom...who was pregnant with D c at the time. so, mostly just venting. The only thing I mentioned to boyfriend and Difficult Child was to be sure to check on the liability issues with buying the car from the grandparents...

    Ksm...
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    That’s a whopper of a year KSM. We have all had them and we are all still here.

    I hope 2018 brings you peace and happiness.

    Regarding Difficult Child. It is her story to write and you have gone above and beyond to support her and provide opportunities for a better outcome for her. She has made her choices.

    Be well and be good to yourself.
     
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  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well in the sprit of a recap for you all and for me to remind myself to detach.

    This year son lost his entire grade 12 year obtained 3 credits out of 9. Drugged and didn’t attend school. Used his car to sell drugs.
    We took his car away he stole it and ran off. We got him and the car back we removed the car to off site storage he still managed to steal a key and steal car again. He was caught with drugs In our home again he did another runner. Couch surfed for around 10 days. Begged to come home said he would change.

    3 days home found with a big bag of weed (enough to be selling), called the police he was arrested he also had cocaine on him. We were guilted into bailing him out.

    I had major surgery son stole my pain medication leaving me with nothing. Found him snorting OxyContin pulled his bail bond he went to juvenile holding for 4 days. Was bailed by a youth support group (John Howard). He begged to come home. I let him. He asked to go to prom of course I let him. I wanted him to see where the graduates where headed. It made no difference.

    Son got a summer job a total joke maybe went to work 6 times. Found out he was stealing my car while I was asleep.
    Fights, chaos, heel dragging in court, bail and out patient rehab appointments. Found with drugs again was told he could not live with us. Was couch surfing and lied to bail program and gave a fake address.

    Was arrested for theft and was released! Bail program didn’t pull his bail. He got diversion for second charge of theft although he was not a candidate (system is so broken).
    He was home with the agreement that he would go to rehab when a bed became a available. Bed intake called he refused to participate and he refused to ask the courts for MH diversion to rehab. We asked him to leave home again.

    He left he set himself up with student social assistance. Was living a town over which was 2 bus rides to school. Fat chance that was going to work. At the end of Oct he turned 18. An adult now. He asked for a ride to court. I drove him but did not go in. He missed some bail meetings and rehab meetings.

    He called and asked to meet we did he begged to come home said he would go to rehab. We though about this for a week and let him come back home after the rehab intake meeting was booked. All this while he had stolen husband oversees bank card and Visa card and had been stealing money from us. This whole time he was begging for a second chance.

    Wasn’t home a week when we discovered this had him arreste. Left his ass in jail for 10 days. He detoxed and was in a better frame of mind. We managed with his public defender to have a stay of his charges with the condition that he attend long term rehab. He is free loading at his girlfriends and we are waiting for a bed which will be available very soon. He did compete the intake process.

    His 3/4 report from school he is still failing. No big surprise.

    What a year 2017 was!! I lost my mind and got taken down the swirly Whurley of dispare. Found this sight and Naranon.

    I have surrounded myself with powerful resources and wise people and I have learned how to detach with love and let my son go on his own journey.

    Indeed 2018 will be the year of detachment.

    Looking back at 12 months of chaos in a 4 year run. I do wonder how we have survived and remained sane.

    Son is young but we can not enable him. He will go to rehab and complete the program. If he doesn’t he will be back in jail and face his outstanding charges. If he completes the rehab program there is a good chance his charges will be dropped.

    He can work on completing high school while he is in rehab and then part time when he comes out. To stay at home he needs to stay clean and get a job. He will pay room and board and contribute to the family and the household in a positive way. If not he is on his own.

    This forum and my new supoiets and tools help me to stay strong and lead a good and happy life for myself. I have the strength to maintain my boundaries and expectations.

    Happy Year of Detachment all!
     
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  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    [QUOTE="Littleboylost, post: 726034, member: 21895

    Happy Year of Detachment all![/QUOTE]

    LBL... You've had quite the year also! Makes me glad that my D c hasn't had the addiction and legal problems you've been dealing with. I know she is drinking, which she is under age in our state. I know she has experimented with some drugs.

    She is just emotionally, and socially immature for her age. Big grandiose plans, but can't do the small things. How do you tell her that...No, you probably can't work with dolphins? We live smack dab in the middle of the USA. No, you probably won't be able to have your own exotic animal farm. When I suggest things that are first steps to maybe working with animals, she shoots them down. Like...work or volunteer at the animal shelter (no way! They put animals to sleep! - I explain that sometimes it is necessary for hurt or vicious animals. The zoo? No, that place is a joke!). She just wants to step in to a position of working with dolphins!

    Detach...Vent...repeat... It's so hard not to get emotions and frustrations all tied up in knots. Maybe it will get easier. Mantra... "It is what it is".

    Ksm
     
  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    LBL... You've had quite the year also! Makes me glad that my D c hasn't had the addiction and legal problems you've been dealing with. I know she is drinking, which she is under age in our state. I know she has experimented with some drugs.

    She is just emotionally, and socially immature for her age. Big grandiose plans, but can't do the small things. How do you tell her that...No, you probably can't work with dolphins? We live smack dab in the middle of the USA. No, you probably won't be able to have your own exotic animal farm. When I suggest things that are first steps to maybe working with animals, she shoots them down. Like...work or volunteer at the animal shelter (no way! They put animals to sleep! - I explain that sometimes it is necessary for hurt or vicious animals. The zoo? No, that place is a joke!). She just wants to step in to a position of working with dolphins!

    Detach...Vent...repeat... It's so hard not to get emotions and frustrations all tied up in knots. Maybe it will get easier. Mantra... "It is what it is".

    Ksm[/QUOTE]
    Oh my dear KSM so very hard. The delusions of grandeur when they can’t even make it through a normal week of everyday life. I feel your frustration there.

    I existed myself recapping the year. It was very therapeutic however. As when the are acting normal we try to delude ourselves that
    Things aren’t that bad....they are indeed that bad.

    I do hope your Difficult Child finds her way. Again you have done so much to support her and she is making her choices and writing her own story. Sometimes they take comfort in dreaming of their life while putting no effort into it. Is is easier than facing real choices and solid effort. I was so hopeful that the Marines would have worked out for her. As I am hopeful about rehab for my son.

    Time will tell and his choices will be his own. We have done all that we can do and tolerated all that we will tolerate. I can’t live through any more of this crisis with a front row seat.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You have both been through so very much, it is a wonder you haven't had a breakdown of your own. Be sure that you keep up with the self care because otherwise that breakdown could happen. I saw it happen with my mother after my brother got his act together and she didn't have to worry about him so much. It was as though she just ran out of fuel to keep going. She couldn't handle anything, not even going to her therapist. She had to have phone appointments. Do all you can to try to avoid this as it is NOT fun to go through.

    With all that has gone on, it is still easy to forget when you are in the thick of things. Why not print this out and post it in a couple of places? One should be near where you talk on the phone (put a photo over it so that company doesn't see it, you can flip the photo over when you hear your difficult one's voice or set it as the background for their name on your cellphone). That way you will have it right there when they start telling you that things have changed and they will be clean if you just let them do this or come home or give them that or whatever.

    I am sorry that 2017 was so difficult. I hope that in 2018 you can have less pain and heartbreak.
     
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are both superstars really. Be proud of yourselves. Plus you have both done your very best. Your kids couldn't have asked for better support. What they do with it is up to them, but you both are heroes.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thanks SWOT just ordinary parents facing extraordinary odds. With a great deal of wisdom and support.
     
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  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I keep thinking of the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz singing, "If I only had a brain . . ."
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Add the Tin Man to that ....A Heart and the Cowardly Lion for Curagr for sure.
     
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Courage!!
     
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Latest update... Less than a month ago, she moved out and stayed with guy of the week, he stayed with his mom, or a guy friend he worked with. D c stayed where ever he stayed.

    6 days ago, they moved into a rental, D c said that boyfriend was friends with a girl whose mom owned the house. Previous renters moved out and left it a mess 3 months ago. So if they moved in and cleaned it up they wouldn't have to pay a deposit.

    They move in...its filthy...but ok. The furnace doesn't work. The pipes might be frozen. They have two space heaters. It gets down to zero at night here. On a lucky note, the toilet and shower starts working. No water in kitchen. They spent three nights there. Then, he didn't come home the last two nights. She was stuck there, with no car, hardly any heat, very little food. Today he called and broke up with her.

    She called me, wanting me to pick her up. I told her to gather up all her stuff. Drive 30 miles to get her, then had to drive to the next town to where boyfriend works, to get her purse and tablet from his car. Then back to our home. Ugghh. I tried to be compassionate. Tell her not to post stuff on FB. Let things quiet down. Refocus.

    She told me she called the utility company and had the electricity taken out of her name. She said she would get the deposit that he had made, and she would return the balance - minus the charges to x boyfriend. I asked why it was in her name...and I found out the guy is 17!!! She will be 20 in two months! Said she didn't know his age when they first started seeing each other. He had already dropped out of school and was working full time.

    We get home, I get on FB...and she had posted "anyone have a place I could stay until I get back on my feet? What's everyone doing tonight? I don't want to sit at home with the grandparents."

    Sick of this. Ksm
     
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It’s so very difficult when we lead our actions with our hearts and they rip them to shreds.

    I feel ya sister and you double it dealing with the grands.

    :group-hug:

    There I times I imagine myself saying to my son. I am sorry for your troubles and what do you think you can do about that? Your options for money or a place to stay from us are no longer an option for you or us. But we luv ya! Not there yet. Some day.
     
  14. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    (Somehow quote function isn't working for me)

    "I can’t live through any more of this crisis with a front row seat."

    So true, LBL. We didn't even buy tickets to this show.

    Ksm. Isn't it crazy that, after all they've said and done, that there's anything left that could hurt or surprise you, and yet, that Facebook comment . . . . ugh. When do they grow out of their own heads?
     
  15. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I demanded that she delete the FB comment. She grudgingly said she would. I checked...she edited it. She left the parts about...a place to stay until she gets on her feet...and what's going on tonight. She did remove the "I don't want to sit around the house with grandparents"

    When I originally saw it I wanted to comment on it. "Well, at least we have heat, running water and something besides ramen noodles" but I didn't. I did get snarky and say, next time you can try to find a friend who will get you and your belongings and drive you home.

    The saddest part...she was willing to just keep waiting in that house for him to return...she only gave up when he broke up with her...

    And...she left for the night. Our original agreement was she could stay elsewhere on Friday/Saturday nights. I am sure she will be back...as she said she needed to wash ALL her clothes. I bet she hasn't done one load of clothes in a month.

    She gave up a chance for a job...as she knew she wouldn't be living in our town. It was for a video/game rental place.

    Ksm
     
  16. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    KSM
    The million dollar question to which we have no answer. My question is when do we get out of their way and let them fledge or fail and deal with their own :censored2:.

    A big warning sign that they are losing their grip on coping and changing is when they start hanging out with those younger or older with them. This happened to my son this past year. When I asked him why he was hanging with a 21 year old unemployed pot smoking pal. He said he had no friends his own age none of his friends wanted to hang with him any more. Well that’s a 10 ton hint. The. He started dating girls 1-2 years younger than him another hint. I wish I had Anders for all of our pain. Sending a huge cyber hug.
     
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  17. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    A prayer to Anders,

    Anders, patron saint to those who love those who eat our food and sleep in our beds and make us sad,mad and worried, please watch over us this weekend ...

    :angel: (anders)
     
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  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    KSM,

    Is your daughter going to get the boyfriend’s grandma’s car out of her name?
     
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Answers hahaha typo I am on my phone.
     
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Typo lol Answers. But I am sticking with St Anders ....somethings gotta help us.
     
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