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Newbie here: Bizarre story, struggling and looking for support
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<blockquote data-quote="sadandlost" data-source="post: 628233" data-attributes="member: 18078"><p>Oops......still getting to know this system!</p><p></p><p>Anyway, to answer your question about how I allowed the interference from ex boyfriend. It goes back to this alleged deathbed promise he made to difficult child's father to step in to be the father figure. At the time I just accepted it as truth (that it really happened), and so did the rest of my family. All thought it was noble. No one thought to question it (I now have reason to doubt that it really happened). So I accepted it and relied on him and his influence with difficult child (who loves him) when I needed it. I sent difficult child to stay with him during summer breaks. Ex boyfriend came to visit when we lived far away. He has done many good things over the years. He became a problem after I got involved with my lost love (LL, now husband) after a 26 year absence. LL was at the time married but getting a divorce. Ex boyfriend began poisoning the waters to difficult child about my relationship with LL with judgements based on him being married and whatever else. No one in my family thought my relationship with LL would work out. But we have an amazing partnership, a rock solid relationship, and I have let it be known that nothing will get in the way of that. Ex boyfriend obviously has a problem with that, and I think difficult child resents it also. </p><p></p><p>My sister also appears to resent it. Her issues, I believe, are deep seated childhood resentments. She is exceedingly competitive and is constantly trying to prove herself better at everything, including parenting. Because she is a better mother than me (she thinks), she puts herself in a position to be a hero to difficult child, just like Ex boyfriend does. She has everything I don't have, except the awesome marriage. One day last summer she went off on a rant, in front of both of our kids, about what a terrible mother I was because I wanted Ex boyfriend out of my life. In her and the family's view, husband and I should just be OK with an ex boyfriend hanging around. It was truly hideous. It was in difficult child's favor, of course, because he doesn't have to be accountable for his ongoing bad behavior, which nobody else had to live with. </p><p></p><p>I have been down this road before with the sister. She has pulled some really nasty stuff, not just with me but with our mother and my other sister. Neither of us want anything to do with her anymore. All the trust has been exhausted, never to return. Too much damage over the years. </p><p></p><p>As for ex boyfriend, he took difficult child to the SS office which is how the story of the money being "stolen" got concocted. If my son had any questions about the money all he had to do was ask me. Instead, he was manipulated by ex boyfriend. I blame ex boyfriend for this, but difficult child had his part to play. You don't just go around accusing your mother of stealing from you without at least a conversation about it. He should know better. </p><p></p><p>So yes, difficult child has made his choices which got him kicked out. But of course I feel terribly guilty and wonder if I did the right thing. I just don't know what else I could've done. It was untenable. The tension we lived with couldn't continue. I fear for him. He is so immature in so many ways, I can't imagine him taking care of himself for long. The SS money runs out next month and then he'll have.....what? To make matters worse, he works for ex boyfriend as a process server (a very scummy job, in my opinion). Knowing my son, I can't imagine that working out well for ex boyfriend. We are hoping that relationship will self-destruct on its own now that ex boyfriend is in the position of having an ODD kid working for him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="sadandlost, post: 628233, member: 18078"] Oops......still getting to know this system! Anyway, to answer your question about how I allowed the interference from ex boyfriend. It goes back to this alleged deathbed promise he made to difficult child's father to step in to be the father figure. At the time I just accepted it as truth (that it really happened), and so did the rest of my family. All thought it was noble. No one thought to question it (I now have reason to doubt that it really happened). So I accepted it and relied on him and his influence with difficult child (who loves him) when I needed it. I sent difficult child to stay with him during summer breaks. Ex boyfriend came to visit when we lived far away. He has done many good things over the years. He became a problem after I got involved with my lost love (LL, now husband) after a 26 year absence. LL was at the time married but getting a divorce. Ex boyfriend began poisoning the waters to difficult child about my relationship with LL with judgements based on him being married and whatever else. No one in my family thought my relationship with LL would work out. But we have an amazing partnership, a rock solid relationship, and I have let it be known that nothing will get in the way of that. Ex boyfriend obviously has a problem with that, and I think difficult child resents it also. My sister also appears to resent it. Her issues, I believe, are deep seated childhood resentments. She is exceedingly competitive and is constantly trying to prove herself better at everything, including parenting. Because she is a better mother than me (she thinks), she puts herself in a position to be a hero to difficult child, just like Ex boyfriend does. She has everything I don't have, except the awesome marriage. One day last summer she went off on a rant, in front of both of our kids, about what a terrible mother I was because I wanted Ex boyfriend out of my life. In her and the family's view, husband and I should just be OK with an ex boyfriend hanging around. It was truly hideous. It was in difficult child's favor, of course, because he doesn't have to be accountable for his ongoing bad behavior, which nobody else had to live with. I have been down this road before with the sister. She has pulled some really nasty stuff, not just with me but with our mother and my other sister. Neither of us want anything to do with her anymore. All the trust has been exhausted, never to return. Too much damage over the years. As for ex boyfriend, he took difficult child to the SS office which is how the story of the money being "stolen" got concocted. If my son had any questions about the money all he had to do was ask me. Instead, he was manipulated by ex boyfriend. I blame ex boyfriend for this, but difficult child had his part to play. You don't just go around accusing your mother of stealing from you without at least a conversation about it. He should know better. So yes, difficult child has made his choices which got him kicked out. But of course I feel terribly guilty and wonder if I did the right thing. I just don't know what else I could've done. It was untenable. The tension we lived with couldn't continue. I fear for him. He is so immature in so many ways, I can't imagine him taking care of himself for long. The SS money runs out next month and then he'll have.....what? To make matters worse, he works for ex boyfriend as a process server (a very scummy job, in my opinion). Knowing my son, I can't imagine that working out well for ex boyfriend. We are hoping that relationship will self-destruct on its own now that ex boyfriend is in the position of having an ODD kid working for him. [/QUOTE]
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