Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Newbie here: Bizarre story, struggling and looking for support
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 628235" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Ok, ok, ok, ok. Wow. What a mess.</p><p></p><p>First of all, who is "we?" Is it your husband and you or your entire family? I ask because he is YOUR son and the rest of your family should not even be involved in this. If they are, I strongly suggest not discussing it with them AT ALL. An enmeshed family is seldom a healthy one. This is YOUR adult child. They raised their own kids and bet you didn't tell them your opinion of everything. That is, frankly, not their business.</p><p></p><p>Secondly, about the death bed promise.</p><p></p><p>A death bed promise, if it happened (let's pretend for argument's sake that it DID happen)...it is a very dramatic thing. We watch it in movies and plays and hear it in songs. The actual true cold reality of them are that the person who asked for the promise is dead. Now if you believe in life after death, like I do, then your boy's father is slapping himself silly because he now knows he made a horrible decision and wants you to get out of it ASAP. The truth is, death bed promises do not have to be honored if they are not working out for you. It sounds like this guy should have been tossed a long time ago, but you were enmeshed in your family and it seems like they wanted him there, for whatever reason. But the only one...the ONLY one who has to decide if he is there or not for a minor child...is YOU. Tune out the family rantings. Make your own decisions. Unfortunately, now he has power over your son. You can not control that (nor do you have to talk about it with anyone) and you can hope the day will come when your son sees him for who he is. There are no guarantees, but if he is a sociopath, eventually he is going to try to screw over your son for his own benefit, like he does everyone else. Maybe he wanted your son to give him a cut of his SS. At any rate, as you said, it is running out.</p><p></p><p>If you tossed your son out, he must have been horrible to live with. Most of us have gotten to that point. We didn't want to do it, we felt guilty, but our mental and physical health were at stake and often they stole from us, used illegal drugs in the house, broke our precious items in anger, even came at us in a violent way, almost always dumped verbal vomit all over us, spewing the abuse. It is our house/our rules. Your son can decide to get a job. He can apply for Welfare. He can get on food stamps. If he is willing to be sober when he goes, there are soup kitchens where church ladies often do the cooking (I volunteered at one...delicious food) and he can get put on a list for low income housing. There are ways to get help. Now whether he wants it or not is the question. THAT is up to him. You can't do anything to help him once he is eighteen. He has to apply on his own.</p><p></p><p>I strongly suggest that you join us on the Parent Emeritus forum as we are all going through the same stuff, or else we did at one time. This forum is great, but it's basically for minor children, which is way different than adult children. Legally it's a different ball of wax. We'd be honored to have you join us over there and you'd get many more responses from some very wise and uber experienced ladies. And they would tell you to concentrate on the people in your life who are kind and loving to you and who appreciate your good heart, like your husband. Do nice things together. Reconnect. difficult child doesn't have to like him. He's not married to him. Do not feel guilty because you did all you could before making him leave and he was defying every rule you ever set down, no matter how reasonable, right? Did he ever do any chores?</p><p></p><p>Hang in there and maybe see you on Parent Emeritus.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 628235, member: 1550"] Ok, ok, ok, ok. Wow. What a mess. First of all, who is "we?" Is it your husband and you or your entire family? I ask because he is YOUR son and the rest of your family should not even be involved in this. If they are, I strongly suggest not discussing it with them AT ALL. An enmeshed family is seldom a healthy one. This is YOUR adult child. They raised their own kids and bet you didn't tell them your opinion of everything. That is, frankly, not their business. Secondly, about the death bed promise. A death bed promise, if it happened (let's pretend for argument's sake that it DID happen)...it is a very dramatic thing. We watch it in movies and plays and hear it in songs. The actual true cold reality of them are that the person who asked for the promise is dead. Now if you believe in life after death, like I do, then your boy's father is slapping himself silly because he now knows he made a horrible decision and wants you to get out of it ASAP. The truth is, death bed promises do not have to be honored if they are not working out for you. It sounds like this guy should have been tossed a long time ago, but you were enmeshed in your family and it seems like they wanted him there, for whatever reason. But the only one...the ONLY one who has to decide if he is there or not for a minor child...is YOU. Tune out the family rantings. Make your own decisions. Unfortunately, now he has power over your son. You can not control that (nor do you have to talk about it with anyone) and you can hope the day will come when your son sees him for who he is. There are no guarantees, but if he is a sociopath, eventually he is going to try to screw over your son for his own benefit, like he does everyone else. Maybe he wanted your son to give him a cut of his SS. At any rate, as you said, it is running out. If you tossed your son out, he must have been horrible to live with. Most of us have gotten to that point. We didn't want to do it, we felt guilty, but our mental and physical health were at stake and often they stole from us, used illegal drugs in the house, broke our precious items in anger, even came at us in a violent way, almost always dumped verbal vomit all over us, spewing the abuse. It is our house/our rules. Your son can decide to get a job. He can apply for Welfare. He can get on food stamps. If he is willing to be sober when he goes, there are soup kitchens where church ladies often do the cooking (I volunteered at one...delicious food) and he can get put on a list for low income housing. There are ways to get help. Now whether he wants it or not is the question. THAT is up to him. You can't do anything to help him once he is eighteen. He has to apply on his own. I strongly suggest that you join us on the Parent Emeritus forum as we are all going through the same stuff, or else we did at one time. This forum is great, but it's basically for minor children, which is way different than adult children. Legally it's a different ball of wax. We'd be honored to have you join us over there and you'd get many more responses from some very wise and uber experienced ladies. And they would tell you to concentrate on the people in your life who are kind and loving to you and who appreciate your good heart, like your husband. Do nice things together. Reconnect. difficult child doesn't have to like him. He's not married to him. Do not feel guilty because you did all you could before making him leave and he was defying every rule you ever set down, no matter how reasonable, right? Did he ever do any chores? Hang in there and maybe see you on Parent Emeritus. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Newbie here: Bizarre story, struggling and looking for support
Top