Newbie here - long, rambling post

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mtdenise, Dec 20, 2014.

  1. mtic

    mtic Member

    I never thought of that. I'll look into the credit freeze. Thanks for the advice. I have to say I feel like I have somewhat of a grip on this situation because of all of you. As I said, I was here reading these posts for a couple of months. Not sure I would have had the courage to tell him to leave had it not been for your stories, reading the detachment article, etc.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    The only thing worse than, "How's difficult child doing?" is when it's prefaced by them talking about their easy child's first. I was never an jealous or envious person...until my son turned out to be a liar and a thief. Now I get soooooo jealous.

    Just logged onto Facebook. One of my friends who's son just turned the same age as mine posted on his birthday: "I am proud of the young man he has become. Yes, the outward achievements say much: high school honor roll all four years, Eagle Scout, and finished his first semester of college with all A's. But, I am also so proud of the content of his character: his strong faith in Jesus Christ, his faith-based values, and his willingness to defend these even when it is difficult."

    What I wouldn't I give to be proud of my son? I have literally never posted a single good thing about him. The closest I came was congratulating him on his early graduation, which was only early because he was told to follow the rules or stop attending and he had enough credits so he quit.

    I know it might sound bad...but really, one of the best things about finding this site ha been knowing there are other families out there like mine; other mother's wondering how they ended up like this. While I so wish no one else had to know this pain, that is a blessing.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2014
  3. mtic

    mtic Member

    I agree 100% with you Lil. The woman I was talking to today was telling me how her son was going to be applying to medical school and how fantastic her other 2 children were doing too. I at least have my daughter to be proud of. Her and her brother have always been night and day. Sadly, he stole some money from her too. Like you, it's so good to know there are others like I wish none of us were here though. I'm going to attend an AlAnon meeting possibly next week and see how that goes.

    Oh, how do I put in a footer with all my info?
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    In the upper right hand corner of your screen is your screen name. Hover over that and then click "signature" and fill it in! :)
  5. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Oh mtdenise- so sorry you had to find this place, but so glad you did.

    I concur with all written- my difficult child is a boy child who stole from me, my mom, my daughter (his sister, who bent over BACKWARDS to help him when I initially threw my hands up)....lies for no reason most of the time. Night and day indeed.

    "How is difficult child doing"? Oh, you know- he's a blessing. He's finding his way.

    Envy at the success of other peoples kids- ok? how green have I been at times? I tried SO HARD. SO SO HARD. And this is the fruition of my struggle? But you know, it's not about me.

    I was completely done in August of this year. Feels like it's been so much longer. I never realized the drama difficult child brought to my life until he didn't.

    One foot in front of the other- and here's a ((virtual hug)).

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  6. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    My reply to the all-dreaded question is usually, "He's still trying to find himself." Or "He's still trying to decided what to be when he grows up. You know, for some people it just takes longer than others."

    In my community, social gatherings often include a group of mothers sitting around, sometimes literally in a circle, who inadvertently start to play a round of "show and tell", in a way, each sharing what their offspring are up to. They are predominantly of Asian descent, kind of the tiger-mom culture, where the children's accomplishments are seen as even more reflective of the parents than in the western culture. starts off with the ones in law school, studying medicine, getting advanced engineering JUST when it's almost my turn (it literally goes around the circle in order)....I excuse myself to go get something to drink and stay gone until the conversation has shifted. Avoidance is my friend, lol.
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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi and welcome MTDenise.

    Your son's story and my son's story are so similar.

    My difficult child is now 25, it all started (or so it seemed to me) with $60 missing out of my bank account (he had taken my debit card and then put it back), flunking out of college first semester, so many lies, a million second chances from us, me swallowing so many lies in my naivete', kicking him out, on and on.

    You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and are moving forward in your own journey.

    I have a super easy child son as well whose accomplishments can take up 30 minutes (if I let myself! ;)). And you know, in our culture today, moms always ask about the kids. The same moms and dads who are still putting their kids' pictures---25 and up) on their own Christmas cards---not their own pictures---are the hardest. (said a bit tongue in cheek but not

    For a long time I would talk and talk about easy child and just hope and pray they didn't notice that I was saying nothing about difficult child. But as I walked away, I would feel sick inside. For so many reasons. Sick because i had basically lied (though I agree it is no one's business), sick because of the truth of it all, sick because I am awful at avoiding truth, so I'm sure my discomfort was shining through...on and on.

    Finally, as I moved forward in my own recovery from enabling, I began to say the things some have already suggested:

    He's still struggling.
    He's having a hard time growing up.

    Sometimes I would still say: He's okay. But he wasn't, and it was hard for me to get the words out. Sometimes I would still say nothing about him.

    I will tell you that I avoided certain friends for a long, long time. I withdrew into myself a lot and isolated myself. That is a natural thing to do, I have learned. We can go through periods when we are like wounded animals, and we have to crawl into a corner and nurse our wounds.

    This stuff we are doing is the hardest stuff of our own lives, I believe.

    Then I realized that probably a whole lot more people than I ever thought knew a lot more about him than I ever thought. There is an app in our town of 110,000 that shows daily arrests. Evidently a lot of the younger people use it to see who/what/where and then there is a lot of talk about it. A well-meaning friend told me that the daughters of one of my neighbors had seen my son's picture and charges there, and it was being discussed.

    I was reeling from that news. It really hurt. But looking back, after a time, realizing that there is basically no secret anywhere anymore in our 24/7 news cycle, social media crazy culture, I was able to "own" the truth a bit more, and thus be a bit more open---but still guarded---about my son.

    Many people are concerned and honestly so. There are a few who love to feel separate from the world, arrogant and different, if you will, and they "get off" on talking about people, putting other people down and feeling superior.

    I can't do a thing about how they approach life, but I can guard myself from their questions. And that is what I do. My trust radar is very acute now. I used to trust everybody, but no more. That is a casualty of this h___ that I have lived through for the past five years with my son. Maybe it needed to happen anyway.

    We are glad you are here. We get it, and we have so much compassion to give. Lean on us when you need to. Merry Christmas!
  8. mtic

    mtic Member

    I'm trying to enjoy Christmas and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. difficult child has not contacted us at all since we threw him out on 12/16. My thoughts will wander to him and I wonder what he's doing, how he's getting by (especially as he never came back to pack up his clothes and belongings). I try to push those thoughts out of my head and focus on me, but it's hard to do sometimes. Right now I can't help but think what's going to happen next, what bad news is coming next. It's been like that for so long with him. I keep waiting for that knock on my door from the police either looking for him or telling me he's dead. I get sad and then I get extremely angry at him for putting us all through this. I feel like I live with a knot in my stomach. Coming here, typing all this out really helps. Knowing you all understand is helpful. It seems like most of you still have your difficult children in your life somewhat, but being new to the board I'm unsure of everyone's story. Honestly, I don't know if it's easier or harder that he has basically fallen off the face of the earth. Sigh!
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you mostly enjoyed Christmas. We do understand.

    I've been on this forum for over a decade, and not one difficult child was reported as ever died while not at home. Nobody has ever posted it. Did it ever happen? I don't know. But since I've been here, none have died of being homeless and reported it to us. There is a large, homeless community, tight-knit, full of people who don't like to follow the law and who defy society and they help one another. There are plenty of food pantries, shelters (however many homeless don't like them because there are rules), tent cities which are actually helpful to one another, and the people learn where they can go to for their needs. I've read a few books written by formerly homeless people and it is pretty much the same in the books. Drugs are often involved so, of course, there is a risk...but even if our grown kids live at home, if they take drugs, they are at risk. We can't watch them all the time. They go out when they feel like it. They do what they want to do. They lie. They steal. They abuse us. Sometimes they assault us. And they are still putting themselves in danger by whom they hang around with and what they put into their bodies.

    It is not within our control to cure them. That has to come from deep witihin them. Sometimes it comes. Sometimes it doesn't. Perhaps it's time for YOU to get some therapy so you can learn coping methods. It helps! Also, you need to remember that you are allowed to have a good life even if your difficult child is out there...somewhere. Normally they don't contact us when they are struggling or they have found a new relationship or they are just angry and punishing us. Nobody would call them mature.

    So many times we worry so about our disturbed loved one that we inadvertently give less attention to those who are good to us and do not struggle. I think most of us have done that. You have a husband and a lovely daughter and...OMG!!! are an ANIMAL lover, like me!!!!! (See my avator). If I could foster in my apartment, I would, but I can only have my two little furry members of my family. I so admire those with hearts for the helpless, such as small children and animals. We could do a whole thread on your fostering animals and I'd be interested :)

    I like all dogs, so I'm a big dachshund fan. I have a shirt that says "Stay Calm and Walk the Dog" and the dog on my shirt is a dachshund :) Cute little things. My two dogs are little muttsters and the loves of my life and I have a kitty too who is my sleeping partner. He never sleeps with hubby, just on me. Thank you for being a rescuer. what you love to do and love your son, but try to get help learning to cope with his dysfunction. You didn't cause his problems and you can't cure them. But you do have many blessings in your life and maybe you could focus on those? That's what I do when my son is going through one of his, as I call them, "rough spots."
  10. mtic

    mtic Member

    Thank you MWM for your kind words. I am looking into either an AlAnon group or a Families Anon group. I know that will be very helpful for me as I learn to cope.

    Don't even get me started on dogs/cats and fostering. I could talk a person's ear off on that subject. I love fostering and helping dogs find their forever homes. My current foster is meeting an adopter on Sunday. It's going to be a hard one for me as he was emaciated and pretty sick when I got him back in August. Nursed him back to health, and I've really bonded to him. I know in order to help more I need to hand him over to his new family. by the way, your dogs are adorable!!

    I'm going to concentrate on the last paragraph you wrote regarding focusing on the many blessings I have. I do have many and they do tend to get pushed aside by the negatives. Thanks for your words of wisdom! So, so happy I found this group.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would love to hear about it one day in the Watercooler. I used to do rampant crossposting for animals until I just emotionally couldn't do it was really upsetting me so I do what I can for our local humane society.

    You deserve a rich, wonderful life as you give so much. I hope you DO remember that.