mtic
Member
I’ve been reading these boards for a couple of months and hoping I wouldn’t have to post. Alas, here I am. Just wanted to start with thanking all of you…your posts and discussions have been very helpful to me, especially knowing that I am not alone in all this. Here’s my story:
Up until Tuesday, it was my husband, difficult child, and myself living at home. My daughter has an apartment, teaching job, and is in grad school. difficult child’s life started to spiral downward a couple of years ago. In March of this year, I noticed money missing from my wallet. Asked him directly if he took it and he said no. Thought I had lost it somehow. Then I kept noticing that I didn’t have as much money as I thought I did in my wallet and the same thing was happening to my husband. I guess deep down we never want to think our own children would steal from us and we were in denial. We actually set him up one night. My husband put $40 in his wallet when he got home from work. We went on about our evening and a few hours later when he checked, the money was gone. Even with that proof, my difficult child denied taking it…until we told him we KNEW he had taken it. When asked what he needed all this money for (he was working at the time), he just said “stuff.” We asked him about drugs but of course he denied that. Next day he took all his clothes and left while my husband and I were out. He stayed with friends until about June when I found out they had kicked him out too. During this time, he had received a court summons to appear for an accident he had caused (running into a gate at a business or something). He was driving a truck that he never registered and didn’t have insurance on. I was able to track him down by calling people on his phone log (that wasn’t easy as some of them wouldn’t tell me anything…until I threatened to get the cops involved and file a missing person report). So, my difficult child called me, crying, saying he didn’t know what to do, was afraid to call because he didn’t think we wanted to even talk to him. He came home the next day and told us he was taking pain killers, had a gambling problem, and wanted to start over. He had also lost his job in the time that he was on his own due to stealing from the company.
We thought he had hit rock bottom and was ready to get his life back. We found Narcotics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous for him to attend and had him start seeing a therapist. Things seemed to go well for a couple months and he found a job at a new grocery store that opened up. We did notice him starting to revert back to old ways and kept telling him if he had problems he needed to talk with us. He never did. In October I noticed more money missing from my wallet and found out he had zero money in his back account. He lost his job right after that due to being late too many times. He quit going to meetings and therapy. As with many of you, my husband and I started hiding our wallets. On Tuesday, I found out my difficult child had taken some checks out of my checkbook and forged 3 checks for $100 each. That was my final straw and I told him to leave immediately. I’m so tired of the lying (I’m not sure he ever tells the truth about anything…lots of examples which I didn’t get into in this note) and the stealing. I’m heartbroken that my own flesh and blood can so easily steal from us. When I asked him what he needed that money for, we got the “just crap” line again. Upon pressuring him more, he said he owed people money and then named a friend of his. I highly doubt that was the truth. We again asked him about drugs and gambling and he denied it.
We haven’t heard from him since Tuesday. I have no idea where he is. I canceled his cell phone service about 3 weeks ago as he was never paying me for it. Oh, he is now on probation for stealing from his previous employer and owes over $600 in restitution. It seems the more we tried to help him and come up with solutions the more he spiraled downward. Reading all of your posts has been extremely helpful to me in learning how to detach, kick him out, and let him figure out his own life and problems. I now realize that he was never ready to truly change his life. My husband and I are emotionally drained and now realize we need to take care of US. I have no idea what will happen to my difficult child. I’m assuming he’ll eventually end up in jail or dead. It’s hard and sad to admit that, but I realize that is the life HE chose. He had every advantage growing up. He was involved in sports and scouting, we attended all his events, stressed the importance of school and good friends. He took all our advice and tossed it aside. He always seemed drawn to the losers in school.
I’m sorry this is so long and somewhat rambling. I’m sure I left out a lot of details, details that would have made this note 5 pages long. It’s just so nice to know I’m not alone and there are people who completely understand what my husband and I are going through and the decisions we have made along the way. Are there any type of support groups that I should look for? I really need to be with others who get it, but have no idea what type of group that would be. Thanks for “listening.”
Up until Tuesday, it was my husband, difficult child, and myself living at home. My daughter has an apartment, teaching job, and is in grad school. difficult child’s life started to spiral downward a couple of years ago. In March of this year, I noticed money missing from my wallet. Asked him directly if he took it and he said no. Thought I had lost it somehow. Then I kept noticing that I didn’t have as much money as I thought I did in my wallet and the same thing was happening to my husband. I guess deep down we never want to think our own children would steal from us and we were in denial. We actually set him up one night. My husband put $40 in his wallet when he got home from work. We went on about our evening and a few hours later when he checked, the money was gone. Even with that proof, my difficult child denied taking it…until we told him we KNEW he had taken it. When asked what he needed all this money for (he was working at the time), he just said “stuff.” We asked him about drugs but of course he denied that. Next day he took all his clothes and left while my husband and I were out. He stayed with friends until about June when I found out they had kicked him out too. During this time, he had received a court summons to appear for an accident he had caused (running into a gate at a business or something). He was driving a truck that he never registered and didn’t have insurance on. I was able to track him down by calling people on his phone log (that wasn’t easy as some of them wouldn’t tell me anything…until I threatened to get the cops involved and file a missing person report). So, my difficult child called me, crying, saying he didn’t know what to do, was afraid to call because he didn’t think we wanted to even talk to him. He came home the next day and told us he was taking pain killers, had a gambling problem, and wanted to start over. He had also lost his job in the time that he was on his own due to stealing from the company.
We thought he had hit rock bottom and was ready to get his life back. We found Narcotics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous for him to attend and had him start seeing a therapist. Things seemed to go well for a couple months and he found a job at a new grocery store that opened up. We did notice him starting to revert back to old ways and kept telling him if he had problems he needed to talk with us. He never did. In October I noticed more money missing from my wallet and found out he had zero money in his back account. He lost his job right after that due to being late too many times. He quit going to meetings and therapy. As with many of you, my husband and I started hiding our wallets. On Tuesday, I found out my difficult child had taken some checks out of my checkbook and forged 3 checks for $100 each. That was my final straw and I told him to leave immediately. I’m so tired of the lying (I’m not sure he ever tells the truth about anything…lots of examples which I didn’t get into in this note) and the stealing. I’m heartbroken that my own flesh and blood can so easily steal from us. When I asked him what he needed that money for, we got the “just crap” line again. Upon pressuring him more, he said he owed people money and then named a friend of his. I highly doubt that was the truth. We again asked him about drugs and gambling and he denied it.
We haven’t heard from him since Tuesday. I have no idea where he is. I canceled his cell phone service about 3 weeks ago as he was never paying me for it. Oh, he is now on probation for stealing from his previous employer and owes over $600 in restitution. It seems the more we tried to help him and come up with solutions the more he spiraled downward. Reading all of your posts has been extremely helpful to me in learning how to detach, kick him out, and let him figure out his own life and problems. I now realize that he was never ready to truly change his life. My husband and I are emotionally drained and now realize we need to take care of US. I have no idea what will happen to my difficult child. I’m assuming he’ll eventually end up in jail or dead. It’s hard and sad to admit that, but I realize that is the life HE chose. He had every advantage growing up. He was involved in sports and scouting, we attended all his events, stressed the importance of school and good friends. He took all our advice and tossed it aside. He always seemed drawn to the losers in school.
I’m sorry this is so long and somewhat rambling. I’m sure I left out a lot of details, details that would have made this note 5 pages long. It’s just so nice to know I’m not alone and there are people who completely understand what my husband and I are going through and the decisions we have made along the way. Are there any type of support groups that I should look for? I really need to be with others who get it, but have no idea what type of group that would be. Thanks for “listening.”