Newbie here.Struggling with 19 yr old daughter stealing from us and completely destroying our family

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by trolli, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Hello everyone
    Been reading of the importance of a support group for struggling parents of out of control young adult/teens living at home and stumbled on this forum after googling"had to kick our19 yr daughter out because of stealing from us".Its gut wrenching and so very confusing to know what to do for these "difficult" kids and you feel so very ashamed and alone in your pain.This forum has been a tiny bright spot for me on this dreary saturday morning.I hope I dont rattle on too much but this is a basic run down of my situation.My daughter has been struggling emotionally since about the age of 14 and her risky behaviour has escalated over the years.She is extremely calculating, manipulative, stubborn and dishonest.My husband says that she just seems to have "criminal" bred into her.She has lied countless times about being pregnant and went to great lengths to prove it(ordered a positive urine sample on the internet!)the last time, all different boys.She now has a rod in her arm implanted because we were terrified she would become pregnant eventually.Its a stipulation to her living here.She has had 2 dui and is awaiting court date on the second.She miraculously was found not guilty on the first and was told to consider it a blessing and not to throw it away, which she did.With the second one, she totaled our car(which she was supposed to only drive to college class and back).She currently does not drive, I drive her to her PT grocery store job and thats it.She has to rely on friends for everything else.Last Christmas she crushed xanax and drank and landed in the ICU on a vent for a couple of days.She binge drinks and is completely out of control when she does.She was found wondering on the beach drunk and almost incoherent, while we were on a family beach trip in June.Thankfully a security guard found her and managed to find us to pick her up.He stated that she was walking with a man that she def should not be with.We have asked to go to rehab but she refuses and says that she likes "a buzz" every now and then and is NOT an alcoholic because she goes weeks without drinking, complete denial!!! She lost her last job as a receptionist in a local hair salon because she came into work wreaking of alcohol from partying the night before.Of course she denies this.We told that she cannot continue to just lay in bed until 1 in the afternoon, wstch TV and eat.After standing over her and tsking evetything away, she found a PT job but has already called in once because she was vomiting from drinking the night before.Thankfully she still has that job; for now but I feel it is only a matter of time before she loses it.A couple of nights ago, ny husband placed his wallet on the bedroom dresser with 30 cash in it, which we usually do not keep cash around because she takes it.He happened to think to check and sure enough she had gotten to it that quickly
    He went crazy! Told her she had 5 mins to pack and get out.I drove her to a friends.We are at our Wits end!
    She looks you straight in the eye and denies taking it.My husband feels like he cannot live in our home any longer with her here because of the stress she puts him under and his job, he is "cracking up".He is afraid he may lose it and hurt her.
    She will get in his face when she has drank and become very belligerent.
    My anxiety is off the charts trying to buffer between them.I wake up at n ight with my heart thumping out of my chest.She is back home for now with boundaries we are trying to work out along with consequences for breaking them.My problem is she has very few friends at this point, no transportation and where does she go if we throw her out.I went as far as to tell her that if she steals again she will have to sleep out the backyard in her brothers old tree house, at least she would gave a roof over her head.She is destroying my marriage and our lives.Her older brother is a senior awsy at college and doesn't even wanna come home because of her antics.We have tried counseling but the counselor we found and liked very much suggested that she needs someone close to home to handle things right awsy when she has a crisis (We live in a small town and she was a hour away) Though never formally diagnosed she working toward a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.With all that she has done, she is still my child and thats hard to hear.She is very tender hearted especially toward animals, babies and the elderly.She cries when she sees a old person eating alone.These are the traits, as her mom, that I try to remember but its just not enough to live with her.We are in misery : (
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Welcome Trolli. Glad you found us.... your story is very familiar to me and I am sure to many others here. If you can find an alanon group, hopefully one for parents and have you and your husband go together. I know for me this was a big help, and it helped me and my husband to be on the same page.

    I know she is your daughter and that you love her and will do anything to try and help and protect her. However you did not cause this and you cannot cure it or control it. She is going to need to get to the place where she wants help and she doesnt sound like she is anywhere close to that.... which means she will continue to lie and steal from you to continue doing what she is doing.

    So it is time for you to think about yourself, your husband and your son. You cant fix her and it is not worth losing your marriage or having your son not come home and visit... you deserve both of those things.

    I know it is scary to kick a child out of the house.... but there are homeless shelters and places for people to go when they have no where else to go.

    It is not helping her to let her get away with her behavior at home, wrecking havoc with the rest of you....

    Hugs I know from experience how hard this is.
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  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the SA forum. You are describing my daughter at 19 years of age. I hate to say this but it will only get worse from here unless you are willing to take a stand.

    You say your daughter refuses rehab. Don't let that be an option. Tell her that she is an adult now and has a choice. She can go to rehab or find herself another place to live and that you will no longer help her financially.

    Expect her to go ballistic but stick to your guns. Depending on the state that you live in, you may have to go through the eviction process. However, if she is bringing illegal drugs into your home or threatening you, you may be able to get a temporary restraining order and she will have to leave immediately.

    My daughter spiraled down from the age of 17 on until my husband found her overdosed on our couch at the age of 27. She had begun using heroin and we didn't know it. My husband found her in the nick of time and was able to use chest compressions to keep her alive until the EMTs got there and administered Narcan. They told my husband that had he gotten home 2 minutes later she would have died.

    We ended up hiring an Interventionist to get our daughter out of our home and into long-term treatment in another state. I would like to tell you it worked but she has relapsed many times since then. She says she has been sober now for 8 months and is living in a halfway house and has a job. I hope that she is telling the truth but it is hard to believe her after years of lies. After two years of therapy, my husband and I have finally learned to stop enabling her and have stopped helping her financially.

    The best part is that she is still living in another state so we no longer have to keep a deadbolt on our bedroom door to keep her from stealing from us. Looking back, I can't believe that we let things get to that point. There is no reason to let an adult live in your home and terrorize the family.

    Keep posting and let us know how things are going. We have all traveled down the same road and you will find support and understanding here. There are no "right" answers so use the advice that helps and leave the rest.

    Last edited: Sep 12, 2015
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I had to add that reading that brought it all back. My daughter would do the same thing and I would find myself questioning whether I really had left a twenty dollar bill in my wallet. Of course I had but she was just that good at denials that I thought I was losing my mind.

    That is one great thing about her being gone. When I misplace something, I know I really did misplace it and will find it sooner than later and don't have to wonder if my daughter stole it.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Trolli,

    I am a newbie to this forum as well, but certainly not new to a similar situation as yours. So sorry for your troubles that brought you here, for as mothers our wishes are that our children will grow up to be responsible, kind adults.

    I have been struggling for years with two of my adult children and it is an extremely painful ordeal. They seem to know exactly how to pull at heart strings and push buttons-first a flicker of hope for change each time they come back into our lives and our home. This quickly erodes into a tug of war with feelings of guilt, remorse for my mistakes made as a mother, despair at the loss of peace and security in our home and on and on. Our family has been dealing with this for over 18 years now, first with our oldest daughter, then with our third girl. It has taken a long time to figure out what to do. We are still trying to figure it out. At the moment, we are recovering from the last bout of homecoming.

    I have come to the conclusion at this point that there is NOTHING I can do to help these two young women, they are adults, they have to figure out what their life path is. When they are back under our roof, there is nothing that prevents them from continuing on in their destructive, addictive pattern.I cannot control them and they have made it crystal clear that they have NO respect for their father and I, or our home. They despise rules and boundaries, are secretive, lie, steal from us, break in, the list goes on.

    My young son put it to me very clearly 'Mom, why should we have people living in our home and we have to lock things away, because they steal from us?"

    I am rehearsing my response to the next plea to come home. "I love you, but you need to go to a shelter or a rehab where you can get the help you need."

    I am not a substance abuse counselor, psychiatrist, domestic violence counselor.I do not have the necessary tools that my adult children need to break free of their destructive, addictive ways. When I help them, I am helping them to continue, as is. In a shelter or rehab, they will have to follow rules, they will have to listen, they will have to take steps to get well.

    It will take strength to stray from years of patterned response. But I am determined not only for myself and my husband, but for my sons right to have peace in the home.

    You and your husband have value and worth and a life to live. I hope you are able to focus on that, and work at peace in your home.

    Hugs to you and your family and prayers for both of us for strength to bring about healthy changes for our households.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    YES, so true! I thought that I was losing my mind, misplacing jewlery and valuables, until I realized it was my daughter. My husband and I started locking our bags in our cars and sleeping with our keys, we had to install a key lock onto my sons bedroom. I still worry when we are off to work, if our house will be broken into. My house broken into and ripped off by my own flesh and blood. Complete insanity!
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Trolli. I could have written your story, down to walking on the beach drunk on family vacation. It was the last time we went on vacation as a family with her sadly. If she is not going to school then she needs to be working full time and making a plan to move out on her very soon. If it were me I would give her a time frame, say 6 months, to be on her own. She will continue living with you as long as you let her. I know I sound harsh but I've been through it and it's easier to see in hindsight the mistakes we made. The one thing that got our daughter to become more responsible is for her to be forced to be on her own. She had to dig her way up from the bottom and it wasn't pretty at times, but she did it.

    Keep posting, we have heard it all and so many of us have walked in your shoes. No one will judge you, we can only tell you what worked and didn't work for us. We are here to listen.
  8. trolli

    trolli New Member

    I am tearing up right now reading all the kind words as well words of advice.I have felt so very alone in all of this.Helps so much to connect with folks that have or are walking the same path.Friends try to listen and offer support but I don't believe anyone can know the stress and gut wrenching pain we all endure unless you have been there.I find myself avoiding questions and conversations about her because I AM tired of discussing her so Im sure that they are.I suppose a tiny part of me still feels the need to not have people know just how bad her behavior has become.
    Wow Kathy! I know the feeling of having to perform CPR on your child and having them be at the brink of death.Happened with my daughter when she overdosed on the Xanax and alcohol.I think that day (Dec26, last year to be exact) is largely what has brought on the panic attacks and anxiety that have had over the past year.No one should ever have to see the "look of near death" on their child's face and feel that panic.Thanks for your words of advice and welcoming me : )
  9. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Yep! Always questioning myself and if Im losing my mind.We actually have a keypad lock on our closet door and I sleep with my purse, keys under my bed, crazy!
  10. trolli

    trolli New Member

    "No one will judge you" are some of the most comforting words I have heard in a while.Thanks for responding to my post.A recent mountain trip to visit my son was our last trip with her, I vowed.She ruined the trip for everyone and embarrassed my son so badly around his friends.He loves her and she him and it breaks my heart that my only 2 children may never be close again.My 76 year old mother had to witness her "Jekyll/Hyde" act (as my husband as come to call it) at the beach, which broke her heart.Everyone is right that I must think of the rest of my family.Its time : (
  11. trolli

    trolli New Member

    Everyone bare with me as I navigate this forum.Im quite "technologically challenged"
    at times ; ) Thanks for all of your welcoming words and kindness
  12. trolli

    trolli New Member

    You certainly have my prayers as well Newleaf.Your young son is very wise! Out of the mouths of babes, I suppose.Hugs :)
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Trolli,

    How are things going?

    We are here for you.