Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Alttlgabby, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    Thought that I would introduce myself. I am a newbie here but have been reading the board for about 2 weeks now and my problems at times seem so small in comparison to any of yours. My name is Callie. I am 43 yrs old and have been married to husband for 25 yrs. He just retired from the AF after 26 yrs, last week. We have 3 children of our own. Our oldest daughter has CP and some depression/anxiety issues but are being taken care of pretty much by medication. We also have two sons, 16 and 21 (in 2 weeks!), but neither of them have any type of issues. We also have two of my nieces living with us under foster care that we are adopting as soon as their incoming state gets court paperwork together for that. I started reading the boards due to our oldest foster child being defiant, stubborn, lying, etc..... We believe she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) and currently have paperwork being filled out through the state to try to get her in for testing. She is currently seeing a psychologist to have some other testing done as well because I suspect ADHD as well. The kid can't sit still for anything while reading, doing homework, etc, and is very easily distracteable. Other FD has some anger issues but those are not even of consequence really since it is only once in awhile. Both girls currently see a therapist as well due to the situation of being taken from mother. Will post later as I am currently off to get the girls from school for a therapy appointment.
    A hearty good luck to those of you that really seem to need it and hugs as well! There are so many of you that it seems that you are so strong and have the entire world on your shoulders and seem to be weathering the storm pretty well. Kudos to you!
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Welcome to the board, I think you will find a lot of help and support here. You are brave to take on 2 teenagers. Good luck with your quest to get your diagnosis and hopefully, helpful services.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Welcome. I look forward to more info from you when you can share it. If you've been lurking for a while you will know that we recommend (among other books) "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It's also worthwhile getting a thorough neuropsychologist evaluation done in order to identify what is going on. There could be a complex constellation of problems going on with either or both girls. The sooner you know exactly what you're dealing with, the sooner you can begin to work on things more effectively.

    IN the meantime, there's the book.


  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Welcome. You've found a great group of people here who have lived through just about anything you could possibly imagine. I admire so much your willingness to take in your nieces.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in my welcome-glad you found us-sorry you had to! This place can be a true lifesaver.
  6. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    Thank you everyone for your warm welcome. Yes, we have a miriad of problems. The therapist today saw the defiance of FN 1, and saw quite a bit of anger with FN 2. She is angry with me for not taking her to see her mother this past weekend, however, she fails to realize that I had my own mother with me who will open her mouth and tell their mother what she thinks of her and the situation she has put these children in. So, we did not go see Mom. She JUST moved 1-1/2 hours away from us into the same town as the girls oldest sister, whom we had gone to see. I was not sure what kind of welcome I/my Mom would get where their Mom is staying since she is staying with another family member. To me, it just wasn't worth it.
    So, therapy was a treat today! LOL After we got home, she was even more angry with me and beating the back of her head against the wall because I told her she could not go outside and play. She thought that was just okay after her disrespect the last few days to me, and then today the disrespect to the therapist was the icing on the cake for me.
    Anyway, thanks everyone for the welcome! As I said, I have been reading for awhile and I admire all of YOU for doing what you do for your children. I CAN sympathize whole heartedly even things have gotten just a tad easier on us with our daughter and her problems. We are looking at a change in medications for her around the 19th of this month, so we will see what happens there. We might be back to the screaming and yelling and crying and threats of suicide that we put up with for months before I finally found a psychiatric that would actually listen to me! I will ask the Psychologist for FD1 about the neuro on her. I also want to try to get her birth records from the hospital she was sent to shortly after birth. There are hardly any records for either of these girls at all. Their mother just was not very responsible and they have been in probably 12-14 schools in the past 6-7 years! When I got them, the state had to get birth certificates for them because Mom didn't even have one! The only records for shots are through the last school they were in. So, we are basically starting from scratch. We will get there. I just look at it as a bump in the road and it will smooth out, however, there will be more bumps ahead. LOL Things are not easy for them either and I know they are confused. At least the younger one is. The older one could care less about anything at all. We have issues with her not raising her hand to go to the restroom and then will just wet herself and doesn't seem to care at all. She will go like that all day at school unless someone notices and tells her to go the Dean's or to call me so that she can change. She has some socially unacceptable behaviors as well with people that she does not know or doesn't know well. She is in Resource at school, but school work at home is a struggle as far as getting her to tell the truth about what she is supposed to be doing, or whether she has a test coming up. I try to keep in touch with her teachers as much as can, or as much as I dare without them thinking I am some nutcase! LOL I am always asking questions about things on the homework/classwork/test listing. They always tell me she is doing well, however, her tests show she really does NOT understand the work unless she can get help or use notes strictly for that certain test. She doesn't know her times tables and she can't spell worth a flip and she is 14. I always feel as though I am riding her constantly and therefore make her feel awful, but her Mother NEVER made her do a thing! Not housework, not homework, etc.... so when asked, she can be very stubborn about doing things. She is slowly learning that her Aunt is even more stubborn than she is! I am always telling her that we are from the same bloodline, but I came first, therefore I have more experience at being stubborn and I always win! LOL I always try to stay optimistic and say, we WILL get where we need to get, but it is going to take time, but there are going to be times that we all get frustrated with the situation and each other. I allow them their tantrums with the understanding that this is all new to them, however, they have been in the foster system for about 16 months now with them being with us for 9 of them. April 24th will be our 1 yr anniversary with them, however, my brother has signed the TPr
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Welcome to the board. This is a great place for information and support. Kudos to you and your husband for taking in your nieces and trying to get them help. -RM
  8. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    (Don't know how it happened, but it sent the post before I was finished.. sorry it is so long). Anyway, brother has signed the TPR this last week and hopefully it got sent from TX where he is to NE in time for the permanency hearing on the 2nd of Feb. Mom had already done her TPR since she lived there already, back in October. We did have their older brother (15 yrs) but I took him to the older sister back on Oct 30th because of his threatening behavior. He turned our house upside down while he was here and things did a 180 when I took him to sister. She was a bit angry with us at first and her boyfriend had called me telling me that I should act like the parent and take his priveleges, etc. I had, and I had nothing left to take! They both slowly started seeing behaviors at their home with him over just a short 5 wk period and we had had him for 8 months here! They could not take anymore since sister is pregnant and she began having stomach pains over the stress he was causing. The state had stepped in when I took him over there and told sister to call them because my POA from Mom ran out in September and I had been after her for 3 months to get me a new one! Sister couldn't do anything either because she didn't have a POA either. So, essentially, according to the sister's GAL, he was on his own!!!! Now the Mom is there and he is with her again even though he told the SW that he did not want to live with his Mom because she drinks too much. They were going to send him to NE to Mom but her boyfriend said he didn't want her kid there, so he sent her on a bus to AZ. So, now she is staying with a brother who will eventually kick her out before she is ready to get out on her own because he did that with the sister knowing that she had nowhere to go when they made her leave! Not a good situation all around. We were ready to accept him back in the summer provided he could maintain a C average in school with his sister and do what he was told. Being with us would be the ideal situation for him because he needs stability with two "parents" that care for him and will make him do what is required of him. Now, we fear that he will be a drop out because he is 15 and in the 9th grade. A grade that he will now have to repeat I am sure. So, he will be in 9th grade next year at the age of 16 which I do believe automatically sets him up for being a drop out unless he truly wants to finish, which I don't believe he does. We constantly talked to him about his opportunities in life and where he can go with a lot of support from us behind him. However, he really messed up and he knew that after the 5 wks of being with his sister when he realized he had it so good here. He called us the day after Christmas apologizing all over the place and wanted to come back. My husband was the one that put his foot down and said No, not right now. Maintain that C average and do as your sister tells you to do and we will think about it. So, I still have the sisters and they are going nowhere. I have their older sister's support thankfully. She stays in touch with me all the time and I think I probably come as close to being a mother to her as she ever got. She is the girls bio sister but not my blood relative but she has always considered me her "aunt" and I am happy about that. The kids family (Mom's side) do not have anything to do with the girls. The sister and brother see the Grandma, the uncle, and the great aunt that live there, but as far as the girls, they don't call, write, send cards, etc..... I have offered to take the girls to see Grandma and she is hateful, so we don't go see her. She cannot put her feelings for me aside even though I did nothing wrong, long enough to be able to see her grandgirls. I did take their brother from her house last February after hearing how she was treating them and due to the fact that she had him for 5 months and he was not in school, so I got a POA from Mom and he wanted to move in with me. I had him in school within 3 days, all shots required (he actually had to have ALL of them all over again because of no records.. Mom's fault, again!), and had his birth certificate within 30 days. The very same one that the Grandma was making an excuse as to why she couldn't get it! I am not his blood relative and all I had to do was have his sister (18) sign for it with a copy of hers showing that they have the same mother. Simple! But Grandma, who IS blood couldn't even accomplish it for 5 months? Sad! When the SW had originally called me to find placement for the girls, I almost cried to hear that I was pretty much their last hope. They had already contacted all of Mom's family and they either hung up on the SW, or they said they wanted nothing to do with the kids or the situation! Of course, all of this was due to Mom and her drinking and drugging issues. They don't even know these beautiful girls! I told the SW after 5 minutes of talking to her that I wanted them! I was just so happy to get the call anyway because Mom took them off 7 yrs ago promising me that she would stay in touch so that I could at least send cards and letters. That lasted one month! Then I never saw or heard from them again for the last 7 yrs. My brother is in no position to care for them. He lives with my Mom in her 2 bedroom trailer and has his own set of problems. Not to mention he knew he better not fight us on getting the girls because I had already told my Mom that I would see him in court due to the fact that he abandoned them 7 yrs ago and that was how Mom got them!
    Anyway, I have bent everyone's ear enough for tonight. This story could be so much longer and I could just type and type all night long about this situation because it is a huge thorn in my side when it comes to these kids and their welfare and how they have lived since the day they were born. How selfish their parents are and how they care more about themselves and their lifestyle than they do about their children. I will have LOTS of time next week to just sit and type and type since I am having a hysterectomy on the 10th. I am happy about it because I have been wanting one for YEARS, but it has been hard trying to find a Dr who would do it! Now, I get it done!!! Should be a fairly easy procedure. Go in, have it done and home the next day. Just need to make sure that I rest up plenty after getting home.
    So... that is part of my story. Thanks for bearing with me ladies. This place and everyone here seem so supportive of one another and understanding of what everyone is going through with their children. I really didn't realize that so many children have so many mental problems, and believe me.. I am not naive in any way, shape, or form.
    I hope everyone has a great evening and can deal with their "problems" without tearing their hair out. May God, or that higher power, or whatever it is that you believe in give you the strength to go through your lives and deal with your issues day by day, and that you have peace with whatever decision you make. I know that I feel as though I was put in these kids lives for a reason, and I am thankful that I have a therapist who is so supportive. She has told me many times that if anyone could take these children in that I was probably the best choice due to the fact that I have gone through so much with my own daughter and can handle the unique problems these girls have.
    Good night ladies! And again, thank you so much!
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Just popping in to offer you my welcome The parents here are a wonderful group of people with tons of knowledge & better yet every day strategies to survive day to day live with a difficult child. Or 2.

    Again welcome :salute:
  10. Alttlgabby

    Alttlgabby New Member

    Thank you so much for the suggestion on the book. I will look it up. Maybe my local library has it.
  11. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Welcome to our board. You will find a wealth of information and support. Bless you for adopting 2 teenage girls with issues. They have no idea how lucky they are! We are here when you need us.