newbie- just venting off.

[oddoneout]

Hi Folks, New to this so hope I don't make too many mistakes.Why am I here? Well, maybe I'll feel better for putting this down. It's good to know that there are other people going through similar experiences, though I wish we all weren't.Yet another neighbour has turned against us. That's the 6th lot now in our immediate vicinity. Let me introduce us: husband, 54,math's teacher,totally unemotional,does nothing but math's and watch sport. Me, 47,tearful little mouse,emotional to a fault, we both find socialising very difficult and keep ourselves to ourselves. My step-daughter,23, lives with partner and baby, NORMAL!lol. My daughter, 21, at uni, has a 2year old and they both live with us. Seeing psychologist for body dysmorphic/ocb stuff. Our daughter, 18,hasn't left the house since April. Her words, "Too fat and ugly to go out". Has occasional phone contact with old friend. Serious sexual assault at age 14. Some one coming to see her to help next week. Grandson, 2, slow to talk, very active, Father with ADHD and epilepsy. And then our difficult child, 16,ODD and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Mainstream was a disaster, but just left residential special school where he was no trouble at all! Used to be violent with me, but now its just verbal, but I back down everytime. That school was the best thing that happened to him, but no funding to keep him there another 2 years (that's another story). Actually made a few friends there, who have been to stay, and that's where the trouble with the neighbours has come in. In the past, difficult child had annoyed people by going in their gardens and kicking his ball really hard around. He has never damaged anything, though, and I think if this had happened in another part of the town, no-one would think anything of it. Of course, the neighbours yell at him to get out their gardens,and he would tell them where to go. He was there to either get the ball or our cat. Recently, a friend stayed over and the boys were outside drinking alcohol. They threw cans in to the neighbours garden and smashed a bottle down the side of the house, which frightened their little girl. The neighbour had previously yelled at the boys for playing football by his house, so they were angry. That is not an excuse for bad behaviour,they shouldn't have done that and we spoke to them about it. Anyhow, difficult child was playing football with a friend again and the neighbour got really angry, swearing and threatening to rip their heads off. I went around to see the man and ask what had been going on, and he tells me all of the above, and I say please come and tell us anything that happens, that we need to know what has been deliberate anti-social behaviour, like the bottle, or thoughtless behaviour, like a ball going in a garden. I also said that I would prefer him not to swear or use threats, but come and talk to us. I also thought it might be useful to speak to our local police support community officer,to say that we want to resolve matters peacefully.neighbours becoming aggressive will only make matters worse. The neighbour brought the police up too. His wife is a police woman.He said that his wife didn't want him to come around to speak to us. I guess this is pretty garbled? Anyway, being a mouse I've cried and cried all afternoon over this. I hate living here, I'm ashamed and don't want to see anyone when I leave the house. I want to leave. I want to be on my own. difficult child and my hubby are 2 peas in a pod. They could live together. What would happen to daughter who doesn't leave the house? Maybe it's a case of tough love. What about daughter with grandchild? I look after little boy a lot as she has a lot of work at uni. Could I support myself? I work 19 hours, no full time positions. Oh, and to top it all off, I'm on the change, even more emotional and sleepless nights lol! Well, you've got to laugh, eh? Thank's for reading this. It has helped to put it all down. Early start tomorrow, double shift. Keep my phone in pocket on vibrate and sneak to loo to keep up with anyother disasters at home. Bet I'm not the only one on here that does that lol!

 

[Andy]

You do have your hands full! It is hard to stay strong but you need to believe in yourself. You want what is best for your kids and you will do whatever it takes to provide that. Draw on that love for your children to be more assertive.

Does your 21 have a job? Or is the work at uni homework? It has to be rough for the 2 year old to witness the behavior of your younger two kids and live with the stress it is causing.

I hope the help you have coming in will help your 18 year old daughter. It is going to take a long time to heal her. I wonder if there is an in-patient hospital program for her? She is in need of a lot of tools to help conquer what she has been through and grow her self-esteem.

Your 16 year old - It was very brave of you to try to talk to the neighbor. See, you are not a total mouse. You have the skill of knowing that conversations are the beginning of working things out. Many people do not realize that if they treat the kids with respect, they will get better results. The neighbor got angry and yelled which is a big no no to many difficult child's. They from that day forward view that person as mean and not worth listening to. Even when neighbors don't yell but try to communicate with the kids, the kids don't always respond well. My difficult child clashes with a neighbor. She tries so hard to do what is right but it finally came to the point where I had to ask her to let me handle any and all problems she had with difficult child. She never has been disrespectful but for some reason, difficult child has decided to not respond to her in positive ways. It doesn't help that she and I have totally different parenting technics (what two people would have similar?) so with her having a son the same age as difficult child, her ways will not work with my child - thus the clashes. She and I have found a way to work through things though sometimes it is difficult.

Can you sit down with difficult child and have a talk that starts with, "difficult child, I know you do not seem to like the neighbor. When he is angry, I know you feel like you need to defend yourself. However, this is not working. Sometimes avoiding someone is much more peaceful. Can you try to avoid things going into the neighbor's yard? Is there a way you can play ball that will keep the ball in our yard? For awhile, can you ask me to retrieve a ball that goes over there?" Or something like that.

It may help to call your local police support community officer. You can discuss the issue with him and see if he has any input/advise. It is a very wise idea to try to settle this before difficult child and/or the neighbor do something destructive to property or person.

On your husband - I have no input but to say I do totally understand this one. My husband has a job that he travels alot. He has no clue as to how to discipline. If a situation arises, he will go to another room leaving me to finish (if I can). Some husband's just don't see how their support would make a world of difference sometimes. To have them step in between and say, "You will not treat your mother like that" would go so far! But alas, how to get that through them?

Let us know how things are going!

 

[Marguerite]

There is still a lot you can do for your son. The neighbour shouldn't have yelled. It achieves nothing. However, a man's home is his castle and people do defend their personal space. Maybe if you can try to help difficult child see this in a mirror image way - "How would you feel if you were in your room and the neighbour came and played ball against the wall of your room at 3 am?"

I want to post at more length but I am a bit rushed. I have been where you are now, you need to let this go and realise that your family love you and need you. The neighbours aren't worth fussing about. Anyone who wold act so mean, is not worth trying to please. Instead, be polite, be friendly but don't feel bad if they don't know how to be polite or friendly in return. That is their problem. You set the behaviour example, you also set the example for your family to follow, in how to treat others. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) people tend to treat others the same way the others treat them.

Read "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helps a lot. With difficult child as well as the neighbours. ANd husband.

Welcome.

Marg

 

[oddoneout]

Hi Marg, Thank's for your reply, and sorry I've taken so long to respond to you, couldn't figure out how to do it lol! Seems simple now my daughter has shown me. Everything you said is right, and I am feeling much better now. I am still waiting to hear from the local police as I think it would be good to acquaint ourselves anyway,and I have spoken to an officer who said the local guy would come around (not phoned when they said he would, not called to the house when they said he would). Keep trying, eh? Anyway, how goes things with you? You have obviously been here too. Thank's for recommending the book which I will google to see where I can find it.No doubt will meet you again on here lol.

 

[Marguerite]

You should be able to find the book at your local library. In the meantime, there are a lot of references to it on this site, including a sticky in the Early Childhood forum. It gives a bit of preview.

The incident you described with the neighbour - we had something similar happen on Wednesday. difficult child 1 had an appointment with the pediatrician. mother in law came along for the ride so I could take her shopping afterwards. I parked over the road from the doctor, angle parking rear to kerb. The doctor was running late so difficult child 3 & I looked through a nearby op-shop while mother in law sat in the car. difficult child 3 bought a board game and took it back to the car. He got in the car, put the game down then got back out. A man was about to back in to the spot beside us. When he parked, he got out and yelled abuse at difficult child 3 for standing there with the door open for so long, in the man's way while he parked. But mother in law and difficult child 3 both say that difficult child 3 had barely opened the car door to get out as the man drove up, and he then got out of the way in the usual time any person takes to get out of a car. mother in law said it was an old man, who should have known better. She said she was embarrassed by the man's language. Now, she is usually very quick to blame difficult child 3 for rudeness or for failing to behave in an appropriately subservient manner, but in this case her taking difficult child 3's side tells me that this old man was totally in the wrong. But to his credit, difficult child 3 did not react; he did not say anything to the man but let him vent, then walked away.

In years past, difficult child 3 would have yelled back at the man and got very defensive. He did not tis time, because he seems to have learned that in some cases, if you wait and ignore it, it will go away; it is of no consequence and the old man's opinion was clearly irrelevant.

difficult child 3 was on his way to meet up with me to go see the doctor. He told me about it as we walked in. mother in law told me about it later from her point of view when we got back to the car; her story matched difficult child 3's. The other car was long gone.

Sometimes people who are having a bad day take it out on other people. The older generation especially, will sometimes take things out on a kid or teenager, because in their experience, kids are not allowed to answer back and therefore are fair game. They can't vent and shriek at another adult for fear of being attacked or criticised, but kids have to take it.

I wish I'd been there when it happened; I probably would have praised difficult child 3, in front of the man, for his forbearance.

It is really important to catch your kid out doing something right, and praise him for it.

Marg

 

[Jena]

jumping in to say hi and welcome you!! this is a great place with-alot of helpful and very intelligent parents!! and you are soo not alone

 

[oddoneout]

You do have your hands full! It is hard to stay strong but you need to believe in yourself. You want what is best for your kids and you will do whatever it takes to provide that. Draw on that love for your children to be more assertive.

Does your 21 have a job? Or is the work at uni homework? It has to be rough for the 2 year old to witness the behavior of your younger two kids and live with the stress it is causing.

I hope the help you have coming in will help your 18 year old daughter. It is going to take a long time to heal her. I wonder if there is an in-patient hospital program for her? She is in need of a lot of tools to help conquer what she has been through and grow her self-esteem.

Your 16 year old - It was very brave of you to try to talk to the neighbor. See, you are not a total mouse. You have the skill of knowing that conversations are the beginning of working things out. Many people do not realize that if they treat the kids with respect, they will get better results. The neighbor got angry and yelled which is a big no no to many difficult child's. They from that day forward view that person as mean and not worth listening to. Even when neighbors don't yell but try to communicate with the kids, the kids don't always respond well. My difficult child clashes with a neighbor. She tries so hard to do what is right but it finally came to the point where I had to ask her to let me handle any and all problems she had with difficult child. She never has been disrespectful but for some reason, difficult child has decided to not respond to her in positive ways. It doesn't help that she and I have totally different parenting technics (what two people would have similar?) so with her having a son the same age as difficult child, her ways will not work with my child - thus the clashes. She and I have found a way to work through things though sometimes it is difficult.

Can you sit down with difficult child and have a talk that starts with, "difficult child, I know you do not seem to like the neighbor. When he is angry, I know you feel like you need to defend yourself. However, this is not working. Sometimes avoiding someone is much more peaceful. Can you try to avoid things going into the neighbor's yard? Is there a way you can play ball that will keep the ball in our yard? For awhile, can you ask me to retrieve a ball that goes over there?" Or something like that.

It may help to call your local police support community officer. You can discuss the issue with him and see if he has any input/advise. It is a very wise idea to try to settle this before difficult child and/or the neighbor do something destructive to property or person.

On your husband - I have no input but to say I do totally understand this one. My husband has a job that he travels alot. He has no clue as to how to discipline. If a situation arises, he will go to another room leaving me to finish (if I can). Some husband's just don't see how their support would make a world of difference sometimes. To have them step in between and say, "You will not treat your mother like that" would go so far! But alas, how to get that through them?

Let us know how things are going!

Hello Andy, My apologies for not replying sooner,and thank you for your reply.It's nice to be able to share things with people who understand. Yes, it took lots of guts to speak to the neighbour! At least difficult child seems to have understood not to play ball in the close. The body of a man and the brain and emotions of a child. How are you fairing? My husband is probably on the spectrum too, comments were made when difficult child was going through diagnosis.I guess as a family we use black humour about ourselves. Some days you just can't though, I'm sure you know what I mean. Someone came to the house to see my daughter, but they said that her problems were so deep rooted that she needs to see someone else. Problem is, daughter has to go to see them, not the other way around. Hmm. Don't know how that is going to pan out. Yes, we worry about the 2 year old here. He is, so far, a very happy sociable little boy. He has helped to improve relations within the household, difficult child doesn't associate with him much but will ruffle his hair.His speech is delayed, apparently due to poor concentration and listening skills, so he has just started going to a little group for children with speech delay. Hope that is the only reason for the delayed speech!lol.Have got a couple of appointments next week to try to find somewhere difficult child can go now that he has left school. One is for employment options and one is a sixth-form for physically disabled teenagers. That was suggested because it's a small group and difficult child doesn't want to go to an ordinary college. We have looked at a few but they are too big for him, his words not mine. At least he could recognise that. Well, I'm sorry to prattle on about myself so much, I'd love to hear again from you. Hope all is well with you.

 

[Andy]

I really feel that your daughter will need an in-patient program to get her started on the path to recovery. Was that mentioned at all? I know how hard it is going to be to get her out the door. Be strong!!!

I also understand how the sweet 2 year old would help with relations in the house. difficult child brought so much joy to our home. I always say my kids are my pride and joy. I have always been very proud of Diva and the joy difficult child brought into the family was so cool. I am glad you are finding time to keep his needs in mind also - that is sometimes hard to do when he is easy to work with - not the squeakiest of wheels in the group but still needs oiling.

It is good that difficult child can verbalize his concerns over an ordinary college. The campuses can be so large and overwhelming. It is nice to be able to find a smaller setting for him. Has he chosen a career to start learning or just generals for now?

You can share all you want about yourself. It gives us better insight of your challenges. We can only go on the limited info you give us and sometimes we miss something important because you can't share everything - there just isn't the time and space.

All is going well for me. My difficult child is a success story. He has worked very hard to learn the tools he needs to keep his anxiety under control. However, being only 14 years old, he may have a few years of adolescent hormones to conquer?