31 years old. I'll be honest with you, that scares me to death. It makes me want to work that much harder to let go even more.
This week, for my job I interviewed a man who is almost 62 who just got an apartment after being homeless for 12 years. From his story, he is a difficult child who got an dishonorable discharge from the Army, blew through $150K in an inheritance, gambling, in just three months and basically at this age, has nobody and nothing.
This could happen to our difficult children. And quite frankly, I'm not in it for living with all of that on a frequent basis for the next six years---difficult child is almost 25---or 10 or 20 or 30 or more.
So...let's say our adult children keep on like they are. With addiction, which is a progressive disease, it only gets worse without treatment. It is often said that active addiction leads to just three places: jail, institutions or death. I guess some people just wander around homeless and aimless for a long long time.
The man I interviewed has serious heart problems today, his heart is functioning at a 15% percent level. His cardiologist told him if he doesn't get off the street and start taking better care of himself, he will die. So he has been off the street and in a federally subsidized apartment (he gets disability) since May and he has already lost 40 pounds, is doing much better and is a very grateful person.
He said he finally was ready. Both of his parents are dead, he has a brother he says he "can't talk to" in Denver (wonder why???!!!) and no wife and no kids. Never married, never had kids.
RB---what do you want out of life? What do YOU want? It's time for you.
Today my son is homeless. He has been homeless 5 times in the past four years. He circulates between jail, homeless and rehab. AT least that has been the three locations for this past year. He has had no address at all for a year. He is homeless today in the town where I live of 120K people. He is a survivor. He has been homeless this past winter in a very cold temperatures. The first time he was homeless I could not stand it. I cried and cried. Today, I don't like it but I've accepted that this is his choice. There are many other options, and he is not choosing those today. Being homeless must not be that bad.
How did we stop and why did we stop? Because we finally got sick and tired. My ex-husband and I slowly, slowly, stopped enabling him. It was a long way to here, but I worked hard to get here---very very hard---and my exhusband, who is in AA, got mad last June 2013 and stopped abruptly. He saw the physical evidence of our son stealing from him. That was his bottom. My bottom has been much slower in coming but today, my son cannot live here, cannot spend one night, cannot come here to watch the World Cup on Sunday like he asked me to do, cannot come here without an invitation. No dropping by.
Why? Because today, it's more about me than it is about him. I care more about myself today than I do about him. I know that is a hard sentence to read. But it is true. I care at least 1% more about myself today. It's the 51% rule and that is how I live today.
What does that mean? It means, when I deal with him in any way, my first thought is: What do I want to do? What do I not want to do? What is best for me? How will that affect me, my mental health, my emotional health, my physical health and my spiritual health? And then, if I think I can do and want to do anything that has to do with him, then I ask myself: Will that be good for him?
I love my son very much and my fervent prayer is that he turn his life around. But that is something ONLY he can and will do, if he ever does, and it's not going to be through anything I do or don't do.
So, I am no longer enabling him. Since he has been out of jail these past 2.5 weeks, I have seen him once, spoken to him by phone twice and have texted with him two or three times.
Keeping my distance is best for me. I remain calmer, healthier and more balanced when our communication is short and infrequent. If he ever does decide to really, truly start on the road of recovery, I will help him.
But until then, I'm going to stay a long way away, be supportive and encouraging and go about my life. RB, please don't take my words lightly and think that you and I are different. We are not. We both love our grown sons and wish the best for them. The only difference between you and me is that four years ago I went back to AlAnon really and truly ready to work the AlAnon program and achieve peace, serenity and contentment, regardless of what my son does or does not do. I assembled a toolbox, and every single day I use my toolbox to achieve a better life for myself. It has not been easy and the road is filled with fits, stops and starts, and sometimes I go a step or two back before I can go three forward.
But it is worth it. The foundational premise of my recovery is this: I can't control another person. I have very limited influence over anybody. What influence I had or did have has long been used up with my son. He is a grown man, and he is going to do whatever he decides to do, until he decides to stop doing it. I have to live my own life. He has to live his. And I have to stop enabling, detach with love and accept reality.
Warm hugs to you. I wish you every peace that you can find. It's very hard, very hard, but you can do it if you choose to.