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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 630836" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Well written, COM.</p><p></p><p>These are good things for us to remember.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Remember Tish's post, about inheritance? $150 K in three months.... That's horrifying.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Absolutely true. When I am confronted with <em>what my children convince me is their misery and what I have to fight so hard to remember is their choice, </em>it's like I can't think, I can't breathe or see straight. Recovering calls this state of mind FOG. It is good to recognize when we are in that panicky place and give ourselves precious time. We need to respond from a centered place of sanity and peace. It helps to know what that centered place feels like, so we can strive for those feelings when we are in the FOG. That means we need to take time. Even just a "Let me get back to you on that.", can make all the difference in the world.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true, I think. It would always happen to me that I would see especially difficult child son as a young adolescent ~ as the child he actually was before the addiction. Over the years, our relationship became so twisted and nasty as to be unrecognizable. <em>But somehow, I not only accepted that, but lost so much respect for my own child that rudeness or hatred or acting like a stupid fool...all that went by without comment.</em></p><p></p><p>Addiction destroys everything it touches. Life and love are scrupulously honest things. We may want to love our addicted or troubled kids with all our hearts. We may even think we are handling the resentment well, that we do love them, that all we want is for them to be okay. But one day, just as I did, we really get it that the nature of our relationships to addicted or troubled adult kids are manipulative (on their parts and maybe, on ours too, I don't know). But I do know our relationships to our addicted kids become disrespectful FROM US TO THEM.</p><p></p><p>I couldn't believe the truth I knew but was hiding from.</p><p></p><p>I had lost all respect for my son.</p><p></p><p>I trusted him to do the wrong thing, trusted him to be calling, when he finally did call, for money or to move home.</p><p></p><p>I expected him to abuse me verbally and to think badly of me.</p><p></p><p>HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?</p><p></p><p>A step at a time.</p><p></p><p>And that is the only way out of it, too. A step, an idea, an insight, at a time.</p><p></p><p>After being on the site for a very long time, I could see that loss of respect for my own child piece...and I could stop enabling.</p><p></p><p>It really is true that helping someone do something they are capable of doing for themselves not only doesn't help them, but destroys something of who they are, of who they believe themselves to be, in the world.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you found the site. </p><p></p><p>It has made all the difference in the world, for me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 630836, member: 17461"] Well written, COM. These are good things for us to remember. Remember Tish's post, about inheritance? $150 K in three months.... That's horrifying. Absolutely true. When I am confronted with [I]what my children convince me is their misery and what I have to fight so hard to remember is their choice, [/I]it's like I can't think, I can't breathe or see straight. Recovering calls this state of mind FOG. It is good to recognize when we are in that panicky place and give ourselves precious time. We need to respond from a centered place of sanity and peace. It helps to know what that centered place feels like, so we can strive for those feelings when we are in the FOG. That means we need to take time. Even just a "Let me get back to you on that.", can make all the difference in the world. This is true, I think. It would always happen to me that I would see especially difficult child son as a young adolescent ~ as the child he actually was before the addiction. Over the years, our relationship became so twisted and nasty as to be unrecognizable. [I]But somehow, I not only accepted that, but lost so much respect for my own child that rudeness or hatred or acting like a stupid fool...all that went by without comment.[/I] Addiction destroys everything it touches. Life and love are scrupulously honest things. We may want to love our addicted or troubled kids with all our hearts. We may even think we are handling the resentment well, that we do love them, that all we want is for them to be okay. But one day, just as I did, we really get it that the nature of our relationships to addicted or troubled adult kids are manipulative (on their parts and maybe, on ours too, I don't know). But I do know our relationships to our addicted kids become disrespectful FROM US TO THEM. I couldn't believe the truth I knew but was hiding from. I had lost all respect for my son. I trusted him to do the wrong thing, trusted him to be calling, when he finally did call, for money or to move home. I expected him to abuse me verbally and to think badly of me. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!? A step at a time. And that is the only way out of it, too. A step, an idea, an insight, at a time. After being on the site for a very long time, I could see that loss of respect for my own child piece...and I could stop enabling. It really is true that helping someone do something they are capable of doing for themselves not only doesn't help them, but destroys something of who they are, of who they believe themselves to be, in the world. I am so glad you found the site. It has made all the difference in the world, for me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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