You sound like my sister - she handed everything to her problem son, often at the expense of her other children, in an attempt to make up for all his problems (he was badly neglected as a baby before my sister adopted him, he had learning problems, his adoptive father was openly cruel to him, etc). But all he ever gave my sister in return was heartache. Any material possessions she gave him, he pawned for drugs. He certainly didn't value what came so easily. Late with rent? Ask Mum. Threatening to quit the job because he's too tired to walk there? Ask Mum for a car. Quit the job anyway, the boss is a jerk. He always nags when I make a mistake.
There is this thing called tough love. Janet could tell you all about it. So could many others here.
Think about what you're doing - he's being a jerk, aggressive, violent - and you are rewarding this with material things, money and doing things to make his life easier. So why would he start being nice to you? Being a ratbag is bearing enough fruit, what more would he get from you if he started being nice?
OK, he's had a raw deal with a father who walked out. Look at it another way - if he hadn't walked out, what sort of positive role model would that father have been? He probably did the boy a favour.
It's not too late but you have your work cut out for you and there is now a grandchild involved. Things are now much more complicated.
What do you do? Focus on the girlfriend and your grandchild. Support them. Like Janet said, anything you buy the baby stays with the baby, or with you.
But stop being a doormat. You're teaching him to treat you (and others) like dirt. And you're not enjoying it either.
Read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. I know he's legally an adult, but in that brain of his, he's far from it. The techniques will work on him too, but with 18 years of bad habits to break it's going to be tough for a while.
You say he won't do anger management? Make it conditional. He's a child, he needs your parental guidance and a firm hand. But with things as they are now, you can't suddenly turn into a controlling parent, you need to find a way to set things up a piece at a time. Serious suggestion - girlfriend sounds like she's on side, she must see something in him that she loves, so involve her. Find a psychologist or counsellor you can go to with her, talk things through and work out a plan. You and she need to be a combined force. Don't ask this of her if she can't stand up to him enough, but also don't confront him too much just yet. Get a feel, work out patterns, find a
which will let you begin small change then work up to larger change.
But certainly, stop bailing him out like this or he will never learn.
My sister has lost everything she ever had, because she spent it all on her children. They use her as a free babysitter, then when they want more from her they use the kids as a bargaining chip - "give me what I want or you'll never see your grandchildren again."
You don't want this.
Meanwhile, support girlfriend through the pregnancy. You can help in practical ways of course, and they both do need it. he probably is an idiot with managing his affairs and I know husband & I will be helping our Aspie kids with this for much longer than would be expected. difficult child 1 is determined to manage independently, but still needs to be reminded to take his very bad cold/bronchitis to a doctor (in Australia, each one of us has public health insurance from birth). difficult child 1 also needs new prescriptions for some of his medications, but can't organise himself to see a doctor and ask for them. In the last month he actually bought his own medication from the pharmacy - a first. And this is a 23 year old Aspie who is being cooperative!
Yes, your son needs support. We help our kids with balancing their bank accounts, setting up direct debits, chasing up support and paperwork, talking them through it all. And yes, during those stressful times they can get abusive and we have screaming matches. But we recognise that this is coming from panic and frustration so we ignore it. We don't reward it and we will walk away until they calm down, but we don't punish it. We do ask for apology and these days it often comes unprompted. We continue to provide this sort of support. But not financial, and certainly not unconditional under these circumstances. But he now has bad habits which will take time and pain to unlearn.
We're here for you through this process. Get girlfriend to read here as well, it might help her cope.
Marg
