Hello everyone. i have been lurking here for almost two months, and already like so many of you, though you don't know me.
Two months ago husband and I found out that our daughter 'Halfpint' was cutting. Being concerned parents, husband and I got her an appointment with a therapist, locked up all knives, etc. and moved her from her basement bedroom to the guest bedroom upstairs. So far so good. But 3 days later the proverbial 'stuff' hit the fan, and we found out so much more about her than I ever would have thought possible of her doing.
That day, Halfpint wanted to go hang with a female friend. I asked if she wanted a ride and she said, no, she would walk. I thought it was kind of weird, so I asked her to send me a picture of the friend at her house via cell phone. No picture came, then excuses came, then the truth came out. She was at a nearby park with a boy. I immediately picked her up, angry as can be.
Later that night after husband came home, we were eating dinner and for some reason I checked her backpack, and found it packed with clothes. She was going to run. husband got mad and shoved her, and told her to go then. She took off out the door with one shoe. No backpack, no cell phone. Text her friends, and they suggested we call 'S', she hangs out with him alot. We know 'S', but did not know that she hung out with 'S', who is 4 years older than Halfpint, who at the time was only 14...She mentioned 'S' maybe twice all summer, just in passing.
'S's mom called saying Halfpint was at her house. I drove over and picked her up. Halfpint proceeded to tell me that she does not want to live with us and hasn't for quite awhile. I called a local teen drop off place, where kids can go if they do not feel safe at home. They tell me that she cannot go there if she cuts unless we get a Dr. to sign off that she is mental stable and won't hurt herself. So off to the hospital we go.
We find out that Halfpint was given X by 'S' at a dance back in May. They chatted via FB. 'S' sold her more X, 10 at a time, in fact. She snuck out the house to meet him. Took more drugs while drinking. Sent sexts. Had sex. Snuck into people's yards to use their hottubs. She was walking around town after 1 am, while Pa and I thought all was asleep at home. 'S' cheated on her (if you can even call this a relationship). Halfpint decided to get him back by having a 3some with someone she met the day before and a friend she has known since kindergarten. Then invited boys to sneak over to our house, smoke pot in the backyard and have sex in her room. She stole condoms and alcohol from us.
This behavior is so far from the morals and values we have raised her with. I am shocked, ashamed, mortified, embarrassed, saddend, heartbroken, angry, terrified, disgusted and a whole bunch of other words I can't think of right now.
husband and I would never have known that all this stuff happened, except Halfpint told us. She told us more than we ever wanted to hear. Monotone, unashamed truth. She gave us her FB, iphone, ipod, email passwords without a fight. She has pretty much been on lockdown ever since, only doing a few things with trusted people who know just part of the story (because it is such a horrible unbelievable story, the only people I have told is husband, therapist and now you guys). She says she feels better just from telling the Dr. at the hospital. (And has now seen a therapist 5 or 6 times.) I have read correspondence she has had with 'S', including how much she hates husband and I (but mostly me), how she hopes she gets a therapist who gives her medications so she can turn around and sell it. How she wants a gun so she can get rid of husband and I. Horrible heartbreaking stuff. She made a diary of her 'trips' and sold X to friends. DDPCMary spoke with Halfpint and told her 'S' was not good for her, and HPints response was that she doesn't care, she loves him, he is a good person and when she is 18 she is going to find him. She also said she was just using us for a good education and stuff she can get, when she is 18 she is out of here. She even started a countown to 18 on a calendar.
So my questions: is she really wanting help and trying to get better? Or is she just so far into this that she is not able to be helped? If you could hear how 'matter of fact' she speaks about these things, you would be shocked. Her therapist saw her every week for a month, then moved to every other week. He has not done any testing per say, has not given us a diagnosis. He only talks to us (actually husband, because I work during the day and can't take her to the appointments) in front of her, saying he wants her to trust him and know that no one is talking behind her back. She comes out of the sessions 'lighter', according to husband.
I have just seen a therapist once so far. I vacilate between being so hurt/sad and mad/angry about HP's behavior. I want to 'beat her down' (verbally hammer her about what she did, etc), but I know I shouldn't beat her down. One day she told me 'Ma, I can't get better if you can't get over it'. True words, so I made an appointment for myself. I think I want her to feel (and admit aloud) all those feelings I stated further above in my post. And she is so matter of fact about what she did that it doesn't make me feel that she is remorseful. But if she isn't, why did she tell us all those truths? And, of course, there is the cutting, which is a release for all the bad feelings she has.
Any insights?
Ma Kettle, 40ish married 21 years to
Pa Kettle, 40ish, Type I diabetes
easy child daughter 'Mary' 18, ADD out of state college student and my sunshine
difficult child daughter 'Halfpint' 15 (as of just a week ago) breaking our hearts
Two months ago husband and I found out that our daughter 'Halfpint' was cutting. Being concerned parents, husband and I got her an appointment with a therapist, locked up all knives, etc. and moved her from her basement bedroom to the guest bedroom upstairs. So far so good. But 3 days later the proverbial 'stuff' hit the fan, and we found out so much more about her than I ever would have thought possible of her doing.
That day, Halfpint wanted to go hang with a female friend. I asked if she wanted a ride and she said, no, she would walk. I thought it was kind of weird, so I asked her to send me a picture of the friend at her house via cell phone. No picture came, then excuses came, then the truth came out. She was at a nearby park with a boy. I immediately picked her up, angry as can be.
Later that night after husband came home, we were eating dinner and for some reason I checked her backpack, and found it packed with clothes. She was going to run. husband got mad and shoved her, and told her to go then. She took off out the door with one shoe. No backpack, no cell phone. Text her friends, and they suggested we call 'S', she hangs out with him alot. We know 'S', but did not know that she hung out with 'S', who is 4 years older than Halfpint, who at the time was only 14...She mentioned 'S' maybe twice all summer, just in passing.
'S's mom called saying Halfpint was at her house. I drove over and picked her up. Halfpint proceeded to tell me that she does not want to live with us and hasn't for quite awhile. I called a local teen drop off place, where kids can go if they do not feel safe at home. They tell me that she cannot go there if she cuts unless we get a Dr. to sign off that she is mental stable and won't hurt herself. So off to the hospital we go.
We find out that Halfpint was given X by 'S' at a dance back in May. They chatted via FB. 'S' sold her more X, 10 at a time, in fact. She snuck out the house to meet him. Took more drugs while drinking. Sent sexts. Had sex. Snuck into people's yards to use their hottubs. She was walking around town after 1 am, while Pa and I thought all was asleep at home. 'S' cheated on her (if you can even call this a relationship). Halfpint decided to get him back by having a 3some with someone she met the day before and a friend she has known since kindergarten. Then invited boys to sneak over to our house, smoke pot in the backyard and have sex in her room. She stole condoms and alcohol from us.
This behavior is so far from the morals and values we have raised her with. I am shocked, ashamed, mortified, embarrassed, saddend, heartbroken, angry, terrified, disgusted and a whole bunch of other words I can't think of right now.
husband and I would never have known that all this stuff happened, except Halfpint told us. She told us more than we ever wanted to hear. Monotone, unashamed truth. She gave us her FB, iphone, ipod, email passwords without a fight. She has pretty much been on lockdown ever since, only doing a few things with trusted people who know just part of the story (because it is such a horrible unbelievable story, the only people I have told is husband, therapist and now you guys). She says she feels better just from telling the Dr. at the hospital. (And has now seen a therapist 5 or 6 times.) I have read correspondence she has had with 'S', including how much she hates husband and I (but mostly me), how she hopes she gets a therapist who gives her medications so she can turn around and sell it. How she wants a gun so she can get rid of husband and I. Horrible heartbreaking stuff. She made a diary of her 'trips' and sold X to friends. DDPCMary spoke with Halfpint and told her 'S' was not good for her, and HPints response was that she doesn't care, she loves him, he is a good person and when she is 18 she is going to find him. She also said she was just using us for a good education and stuff she can get, when she is 18 she is out of here. She even started a countown to 18 on a calendar.
So my questions: is she really wanting help and trying to get better? Or is she just so far into this that she is not able to be helped? If you could hear how 'matter of fact' she speaks about these things, you would be shocked. Her therapist saw her every week for a month, then moved to every other week. He has not done any testing per say, has not given us a diagnosis. He only talks to us (actually husband, because I work during the day and can't take her to the appointments) in front of her, saying he wants her to trust him and know that no one is talking behind her back. She comes out of the sessions 'lighter', according to husband.
I have just seen a therapist once so far. I vacilate between being so hurt/sad and mad/angry about HP's behavior. I want to 'beat her down' (verbally hammer her about what she did, etc), but I know I shouldn't beat her down. One day she told me 'Ma, I can't get better if you can't get over it'. True words, so I made an appointment for myself. I think I want her to feel (and admit aloud) all those feelings I stated further above in my post. And she is so matter of fact about what she did that it doesn't make me feel that she is remorseful. But if she isn't, why did she tell us all those truths? And, of course, there is the cutting, which is a release for all the bad feelings she has.
Any insights?
Ma Kettle, 40ish married 21 years to
Pa Kettle, 40ish, Type I diabetes
easy child daughter 'Mary' 18, ADD out of state college student and my sunshine
difficult child daughter 'Halfpint' 15 (as of just a week ago) breaking our hearts
