newbie, worried and anxious

[whatever]

Hi All,
I've never posted here, but have read the forums for help in the past. Thanks for all that.... My story goes like this: I'm 33 yrs old and have a brother who is the "GTG," 29 yrs old. This brother has abused drugs and alcohol for at least 15 yrs. A lot of bad things happened to him over the years because of this, but my parents, mom especially, and girlfriends bailed him out and enabled him, in my opinion. I always tried to "be there" for him, by listening. A year and a half ago he was drunk, got mugged and assaulted and freaked out (not sure what happened) on his fiancee and she broke up with him. Ever since then, it's been downhill and I am tested and my family is exhausted and I feel bad for my parents because they are getting older. He moved out of my parents house at age 27, into an apt my parents paid for and NEVER cleaned it, it looked like a crack house. He was sending me crazy texts about aliens, suicide and dying and he sounded psychotic. This really scared me, I found out he's been drinking when he'd do this. He was supposed to be in school and working at this time, by the way, which he wasn't. He then began obsessed with this "spice" stuff which also turned him psychotic. My parents let him move back in bc they couldn't afford to pay for his apt anymore and sometime after that he stole thousands of dollars from them and stole and pawned my moms jewelry. When my parents found out, they kicked him out, he was homeless, wandering around, supposedly detoxing, although my mom was giving him money. He tried to hang himself in the backyard and had a suicide note blaming my dad and God. I found this out and told my dad who called the cops who took him to the hospital which he left against medical advice. My parents then let him live in the garage on a cot until he promised to go to rehab and the mental hospital. right before he was supposed to go, he told my parents Americorps accepted him, and he is going to the middle of nowhere to work on a trail in a park(supposedly his dream job). I thought it sounded fishy, but was hopeful. He admitted, a few days later he lied he just bought a one way ticket to the middle of nowhere to "get away" and "take a break." He is now stuck out there, in a cabin with no car, no money, no running water. He is demanding we pay for a ticket back home and we are saying no. He is cussing me out and saying terrible things to me. Please someone tell me what is going on and what I and our family should do. My feelings are so overwhelmed I cant see clearly.

 

[Kathy813]

Hello Whatever and welcome!

I understand how upset you are. It is not easy to have a mentally ill family member . . . especially one that is abusing drugs. I wish I had answers for you but I think you are going to have to detach and let your brother figure this out for himself.

If I were you, I would stop answering his calls all together. He really has a lot of nerve demanding anything of you or your parents at this point.

I know it is not easy but try to help your parents understand that at this point your brother needs serious help that they can't provide. The only ticket I would give him is one to a rehab.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Whatever, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your brother, the situation is a tough one. As Kathy said, it certainly seems like the best option is to not respond and to learn to detach. It is a very difficult thing to do, you've come to a place where many of us here live in a constant state of detaching............or learning to detach.

Between the drugs, the alcohol, the mental issues and your brothers refusal to do anything to help himself, you and your parents are in the unenviable and difficult position to let go...........not a position any of us want to be in, believe me. But, that's where you find yourself and you found us,.........others in similar places with loved ones......... it is what it is..............and the only advice I can offer is to find some support, a 12 step group, a therapist, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) they have support groups for families. You and your parents have done everything you can do. And, any further enabling only serves to prolong the inevitable..........your brother needs to face up to natural consequences and find his own way. You've likely heard the definition of insanity, "doing the same thing and expecting different results." And when you do that, you do feel insane.

This is hard. When you love someone you want to help them, but the bottom line is you can't help them unless they WANT to help themselves. The hardest thing to do is to stop helping and detach. And, maybe he will find his way. Maybe not.

Here is a good article on detachment.........

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14...ing-detachment

Keep posting, it helps.

Perhaps you and your parents can read it and discuss it and look at options for support for the three of you. I hope you and your family can find peace. (((HUGS))))

 

[whatever]

Hi,
I posted another reply but it didn't post for some reason. Thank you for your replies. I liked that link and will forward it to my parents. It was helpful and something I will have to reread and reread. I am a therapist so I especially feel weird, like I should be able to prevent or fix it, or be better at letting go...

 

[buddy]

LOL whatever ....you are a sister more than a therapist. Im a speech path and to do therapy with my own very needy kiddo? No way! Just can't see the forest for the trees sometimes, Know what I mean?? Be kind to yourself. Researching and supporting is what you are doing and thats perfect for a sister who loves her family.