Crazy Cat Lady
Interesting about the Klonopin. The info I got was from benzo abusers, so I have to figure it's pretty accurate.

Klonopin is fairly long lasting as benzos go and has a long half-life.

The recommendation there from the "horses' mouth" was to swallow it for best effect.

I've never taken the stuff, so have no idea. I've had IV Valium in a hospital setting, Xanax (one dose, which made me black out. I took the bottle back to psychiatrist and basically told him to shove it.), and the Lorazepam I now take, which does what it's supposed to do taken as prescribed and doesn't interfere with my life.


Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I am so very sorry you are dealing with these issues.
It is not great to have no family resources. I know I have none I can rely on. During the worker of my sins acting out I lost my Father and my Motjer is a period of 14 months.
I do hope you can get a break and seek some guidance and support for yourself.
Let your wife heal and you try to find a way to heal and figure out the next phase of your life.


Roll With It
I used to know some people who loved to snort klonopin. It was before I had kids, I worked with them. I didn't know anything about benzos at that time, just that they seemed to love to crush and snort them.

I think you need to figure out if this marriage is worth what it is costing you. I know it has made things tough with your biological children because they don't want to be around the house. You don't enjoy being there either from what I can see. She went to rehab without telling you and then texted an accusation that you are having an affair when there is no way for you to reply to defend yourself? Honestly, has she ever given you any way to defend yourself from her accusations or in the untenable situation with her spoiled addicted son? If she wanted him insured, she could have gone and purchased insurance for him without making you do it. She preferred to make your life miserable than to deal with the situation or see the lack of insurance as a logical consequence.

She simply won't change. She went to rehab for her own reasons, but chances are that she will NOT change anything with her relationship with her son. She certainly will NEVER support any measures that you take to make him accountable. Once she has been to rehab, she can use this to say that she is working on her problems and you are not doing anything. This means that all the problems are your fault. I have been down this rabbit hole and seen others go down it. You can accept the situation as it is, accept that if you want a life with her in it then you will have to live this way.

Your other choice is to separate from her. It might mean some financial losses, but what will that mean if you are happy? If you are not dealing with stress related illness? I sense you are a man who makes decisions and follows through with them, so this waffling and never making a decision or following through has been incredibly hard on you. It has probably been harder on you to have her waver back and forth than it would be to have her say that her son was always going to be this way and was always going to live with you. I don't know that you would accept that, but it would be easier to live with than the push/pull thing she has going on.

As the situation stands, you may have more money for now, but something the son does is going to create a huge liability and it will cost you a fortune to clean it up. Or you will go out of town for a weekend or a trip with your wife and he will have a party. He will post it on social media and the whole town will show up. It will destroy your house from top to bottom and cost you tens of thousands of dollars to repair or replace everything. If not more than that. Plus you will have to deal with criminal and even civil charges from what the stupid partiers do at your house when you didn't even invite them!! You left the irresponsible stepson there, and he had the party, so as the homeowner, you get the bill. Or his mom will insist on paying for top dollar legal defense if someone gets hurt or whatever. Lots depends on the laws in your area, of course.

It is something to think about as you decide if you want to continue on in this relationship. You are obviously a very nice man. You raised children who successfully launched into the world with good careers and lives. Then you got into this relationship and I am not sure you know how to cope. I know most people wouldn't. It is okay to admit that this just isn't working for you. You stuck this out WAY longer than most people would. You have really gone above and beyond to try to help both your wife and her son with their problems. You have spent time, effort, an enormous amount of money (from what I can gather) and invested a lot of yourself into trying to help both of these people. I am sure you have learned a lot from these relationships, but I don't think you are getting your needs met in either relationship.

All relationships are 2 way streets. Sometimes our kids take more than they give, but especially as adults it needs to be a 2 way street. You seem to have tried to communicate your needs to your wife. I don't think she is capable of either hearing your needs or meeting them at this time. Her addiction and her codependence with her son are both too great to allow her to have any resources left to spare for you. It seems to me that you are becoming tired and depleted from giving and rarely receiving in these relationships. At some point you have to protect yourself and say enough it enough. If you cannot bring yourself to do this for yourself, do this for your own children. They deserve to spend holidays and vacations with the father they love. From what you have said about them, they want the best for you. They want to see you happy. They love you.

I would caution you to do whatever is needed to protect yourself in the event you choose to leave your marriage. Seek advice from an attorney to learn what to do to protect your assets. Make sure you have documentation of what you have spent on everything including each of your children since the marriage. If she is accusing you of something, be sure you can defend yourself well. I am not saying to try to hurt her in the settlement, but be sure to protect your interests. Also be aware that this is the most physically dangerous time in a marriage. Never underestimate the danger. If you feel you are in any sort of danger, trust those instincts (no matter who tries to ridicule you) and get away from the situation if you can. Don't let her goad you into losing your temper to the point that you lash out in anger either. I know several divorce attorneys who suggest that clients get their spouses to lose their tempers and then catch this on tape or video to be used in court. Be aware that it can happen in this type of situation.

It is good to hear from you again. I am sorry that things have not gotten better. Welcome back!
I hope someone pointed out to your wife that it is far easier for a 22-year-old who has been enabled to get his life together than a 30 or 40-year-old. Maybe she would agree to go to Al Anon. Maybe you could go to Al Anon. Some of this behavior reminds me when I was married to the man who was the stepfather to my son. The harder he pushed, the more protective I became. I have no idea what you are like, but my ex was an alcoholic who resented my son just because. Some of his resentment has indeed caused some of my son's problems today. (Please don't think I'm inferring this is your case). That was just what my situation was like. What I wonder might be similar though is the harder you push, the more protective she may become. I don't think you will be able to convince her yourself. Maybe Al Anon for both of you, or just you. Maybe it will be you that ends up making decisions to take care of you. I wish my ex would have cared so much as you do.

I do not push my stepson or my own children. I am not that type, "You design your own life" is my thing. I told him 2 years ago when he came back home after dropping out, "If you do not want to go to school, then it is fine. College is not for everyone. If you chose to do that, then get a decent job, work hard and start your adult responsible life" He did not do it, wasted his time on getting high and delivering pizzas for few hours, I stopped pushing or talking. His mother was, is and has been the biggest enabler. He used her left and right which made me very angry. I stopped communicating with him.

My own kids are not perfect either. However, the difference is mine know what are important for the time being and what aren't. They pushed hard through high school and ended up in the most prestige schools in the World. Since they have seen the drama happening in the house, they just do not want to deal with it or be affected by the drama.
Again, the weather got cold all of sudden. My wife is in so called rehab center, in a private house located at the most expensive area in Orange County. Just like 5 star resorts in Malibu rehab that you see in TV commercials. I drove there to bring some sweaters. I entered the house and things are better than our own house... A young lady came out and told me my wife isn't ready to see me. I dropped off the clothes I brought and left. I am not wasting 3 hrs of driving anymore. The place allows computer access and phone. I do not text her anymore, I do not get texts from her either. I am extremely angry at myself to let this thing dragging this far. I have not been able to sleep.

I went through lots of information regarding alcoholics and family... Even rehab's success rate is not that high. As I expected, it is the one's mind if he/she really wants to change. The way it has been for the last 8 years, I believe my chances are slim. It is the FIRST time she went into a rehab but admitted that she has a problem drinking. I am looking into all other possible options for me. If I get another divorce, it will literally kill my parents which I am worried about. They are fighting hard with my father's lymphoma which he is in a remission. All I see is 4 walls closing in on me.


Well-Known Member
Staff member
I think your parents would rather see you happy then in a marriage that is making you so unhappy. You getting another divorce will not "kill your parents". They have much bigger fish to fry right now.

In the midst of the turmoil of your life, you've closed off every viable option for yourself so that those around you will, in your mind, be ok. You've done that to yourself. You're living for everyone else. That's a recipe for depression.

Your Dad's remission won't end because you leave your wife. Your wife will drink or not drink, it's up to her. Your step son will continue his negative lifestyle or not, it's up to him. None of it is up to you, you can't control any of it. And, you're not responsible for any of it. And, you can't change it.

Stop enabling everyone around you and figure out what it is that you want. Take action for YOU. You have to decide that you matter and that you're worth whatever change is necessary to protect YOU.

You seem right on the edge of a making a big change, which is when all the real or perceived fears pop up. Look at those fears and address each one honestly. It sure sounds as if change is afoot.


Well-Known Member
I agree with RE. Your divorce is not a factor in your father's survival and the rest of them will do what they do regardless of you and what you do.

You are obviously not happy. Who would be? I hope this time you do what is best for you.
You really put things down in most correct way. I really appreciate it...

Rehab facility allows phone and computer access. I just got a text last night that I should NOT tell where she is to my own child, neighbors or people at my work. It is deeply personal and she hopes for me to respect that. I hope that the program really teaches how alcohol abuse can affect other family members in life...