WannabeAgoodFather
Member
Hi everyone,
I have 3 children. 2 from me and 1 from my wife. Obviously it is our second marriage.
My step son, who will be 22 in February has been the biggest problem in the household. My daughter, who is 23, graduated from an IVY League school, now heading to a law school so she has no problem causing trouble. The youngest is following his sister's footstep. He's senior in high school and can't wait to get out to live his life. My step son on the other hand, dropped out of college after partying for 2 years. He moved back home and is the center of the whole problem.
He has a serious habit of smoking marijuana he developed since 15. Last week, we found him 3 times passed out with vaporizer in his hand, light on and fan blowing at full speed. No matter what his own mother says, he would not listen. He has this little catering job and delivers dominos at nights, which keep him to support lavish purchases on expensive goods and smoking which I think it is not cheap to keep the habit if you are not a recreational smoker. Well he could do whatever he wants as he is an adult. However, it is not fair for other family members to suffer.
When we knew he was coming back home from getting kicked out of college, instead of apologizing, he literally said he is not the only one didn't do well in college in first 2 years as he is totally fine with what happened. He is extremely lazy, unmotivated and does whatever he pleases. Football and Basketball are the main focus which he could sit and watch TV for 12 hours straight unless someone interrupts.
My wife begged me to seek counselling and I went with her. We have gone counselling few times before but mother would not follow up as the counsellor said. That is why I did not want to attend and waste my time. I thought I would give it a last shot so decided to go. This time, I asked 3 times during the session if my wife is REALLY willing to do things that the counsellor suggests that we must do. She said "Yes" 3 times. It's been almost 2 years and absolutely NOTHING has been done or changed.
I do not want to come home after work. Getting stressed from work is enough to handle and I do not think I deserve any more. After 6 months my step son came home and saw what was happening, I stopped talking to him at all. I have not spoken to him one word for a year. My message was "If you think you are an adult, go out and live your life as you wish but do not make any of other family members suffer because of you". It doesn't bother him at all as he continues to do whatever he wants. At least he's not home when I get home. He comes home after I go to bed. We both try to avoid each other, which is good for me. I do not want to deal with unmotivated childish grown up whom I have helped, supported and given him countless advise for the 7 years. He doesn't feel sorry or anything. He is taking full advantage of us.
Last night, I heard my wife and him talking in the kitchen as he was about to go out at 10PM. My wife screamed and went through the facts what he has done. Him? He acts like "Here she goes again" and acts as if nothing ever happened.
I can't, do not want to and continue to go on like this. The therapist told us to kick him out when he disobeys the house rules. House rules were ridiculously simple for most of people but are impossible for him to follow.
Therapist said numerous things but clear house rules to be implemented
1. Cut off his phone
- He went out and got a new phone for himself
2. Sign him up for rehab
- He went for the first day then quit as that was not for him. Mother bought that story and this rehab
thing was shut forever.
3. Kick him out
- We are stuck here. Therapist said he would go out for few days/weeks, then will come back and
repeat this for a while. Mother isn't capable of doing this.
As I mentioned, he has 2 jobs and can support himself the way I see it. He even bought a newer car. (We gave him a car when he came back home to use it but he abused it, we repaired the car spending obscene amount of money) On his birthday, I handed him the old car's title so that he could learn some sort of responsibility but again he never appreciated it, abused it, calling it a piece of , trashed it and finally
traded in for a newer Prius without even asking anyone. Our family members have nice cars. Yes. Ferrari, Porsche, Audi and the youngest one in high school drives a MB SL. Therefore, he could say his car was crap but we bought him 2 cars when he was in high school and he trashed them. When he was in school for 2 years, he did not work for 1 single day and blamed on not having a transportation. Mother bought him a moped to ride around campus and find a job, he totaled it in less than 2 months.
Well I do not have a problem with trading in the old car but it would have been nice if he asked us what his plan was. He is uncontrollable grown up but has maturity of 13 year old. There is no positive focus or plan in his life that we would like to hear. The only focus I see in him is "Football" "Basketball" "Weed" and "Buying expensive stuff". When school is mentioned, he would say he would attend next semester, next semester in local college but it hasn't happened in 2 years. I do not expect to happen.
Now, it is affecting not only everyone but my marriage. The house is not a happy place. I do not want to come home to deal with this caused by one person. When mother and son argued during the day, I will be the one have to deal with angry or depressed mother. What have I done to deserve this?
I have told my wife she needs to kick him out, let him hit the bottom, start to appreciate things, gather his thoughts and get back on his feet to be a real man. Well.... it is not happening. He doesn't want to move out. I totally understand him. Why move out where I get a free room and board and do whatever I want to do? I have no place to vent as we recently moved to CA from NY 3 years ago. To avoid this, I started looking for a job leaving CA hoping he won't follow us. That is how bad it has become.
I feel hopeless and my depression is getting worse.... I've been fighting it but there seems to be very few options left for me to do......
I have 3 children. 2 from me and 1 from my wife. Obviously it is our second marriage.
My step son, who will be 22 in February has been the biggest problem in the household. My daughter, who is 23, graduated from an IVY League school, now heading to a law school so she has no problem causing trouble. The youngest is following his sister's footstep. He's senior in high school and can't wait to get out to live his life. My step son on the other hand, dropped out of college after partying for 2 years. He moved back home and is the center of the whole problem.
He has a serious habit of smoking marijuana he developed since 15. Last week, we found him 3 times passed out with vaporizer in his hand, light on and fan blowing at full speed. No matter what his own mother says, he would not listen. He has this little catering job and delivers dominos at nights, which keep him to support lavish purchases on expensive goods and smoking which I think it is not cheap to keep the habit if you are not a recreational smoker. Well he could do whatever he wants as he is an adult. However, it is not fair for other family members to suffer.
When we knew he was coming back home from getting kicked out of college, instead of apologizing, he literally said he is not the only one didn't do well in college in first 2 years as he is totally fine with what happened. He is extremely lazy, unmotivated and does whatever he pleases. Football and Basketball are the main focus which he could sit and watch TV for 12 hours straight unless someone interrupts.
My wife begged me to seek counselling and I went with her. We have gone counselling few times before but mother would not follow up as the counsellor said. That is why I did not want to attend and waste my time. I thought I would give it a last shot so decided to go. This time, I asked 3 times during the session if my wife is REALLY willing to do things that the counsellor suggests that we must do. She said "Yes" 3 times. It's been almost 2 years and absolutely NOTHING has been done or changed.
I do not want to come home after work. Getting stressed from work is enough to handle and I do not think I deserve any more. After 6 months my step son came home and saw what was happening, I stopped talking to him at all. I have not spoken to him one word for a year. My message was "If you think you are an adult, go out and live your life as you wish but do not make any of other family members suffer because of you". It doesn't bother him at all as he continues to do whatever he wants. At least he's not home when I get home. He comes home after I go to bed. We both try to avoid each other, which is good for me. I do not want to deal with unmotivated childish grown up whom I have helped, supported and given him countless advise for the 7 years. He doesn't feel sorry or anything. He is taking full advantage of us.
Last night, I heard my wife and him talking in the kitchen as he was about to go out at 10PM. My wife screamed and went through the facts what he has done. Him? He acts like "Here she goes again" and acts as if nothing ever happened.
I can't, do not want to and continue to go on like this. The therapist told us to kick him out when he disobeys the house rules. House rules were ridiculously simple for most of people but are impossible for him to follow.
Therapist said numerous things but clear house rules to be implemented
1. Cut off his phone
- He went out and got a new phone for himself
2. Sign him up for rehab
- He went for the first day then quit as that was not for him. Mother bought that story and this rehab
thing was shut forever.
3. Kick him out
- We are stuck here. Therapist said he would go out for few days/weeks, then will come back and
repeat this for a while. Mother isn't capable of doing this.
As I mentioned, he has 2 jobs and can support himself the way I see it. He even bought a newer car. (We gave him a car when he came back home to use it but he abused it, we repaired the car spending obscene amount of money) On his birthday, I handed him the old car's title so that he could learn some sort of responsibility but again he never appreciated it, abused it, calling it a piece of , trashed it and finally
traded in for a newer Prius without even asking anyone. Our family members have nice cars. Yes. Ferrari, Porsche, Audi and the youngest one in high school drives a MB SL. Therefore, he could say his car was crap but we bought him 2 cars when he was in high school and he trashed them. When he was in school for 2 years, he did not work for 1 single day and blamed on not having a transportation. Mother bought him a moped to ride around campus and find a job, he totaled it in less than 2 months.
Well I do not have a problem with trading in the old car but it would have been nice if he asked us what his plan was. He is uncontrollable grown up but has maturity of 13 year old. There is no positive focus or plan in his life that we would like to hear. The only focus I see in him is "Football" "Basketball" "Weed" and "Buying expensive stuff". When school is mentioned, he would say he would attend next semester, next semester in local college but it hasn't happened in 2 years. I do not expect to happen.
Now, it is affecting not only everyone but my marriage. The house is not a happy place. I do not want to come home to deal with this caused by one person. When mother and son argued during the day, I will be the one have to deal with angry or depressed mother. What have I done to deserve this?
I have told my wife she needs to kick him out, let him hit the bottom, start to appreciate things, gather his thoughts and get back on his feet to be a real man. Well.... it is not happening. He doesn't want to move out. I totally understand him. Why move out where I get a free room and board and do whatever I want to do? I have no place to vent as we recently moved to CA from NY 3 years ago. To avoid this, I started looking for a job leaving CA hoping he won't follow us. That is how bad it has become.
I feel hopeless and my depression is getting worse.... I've been fighting it but there seems to be very few options left for me to do......