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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 704580" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>yangstein, welcome. I am sorry you find yourself in this awful predicament with your step son.</p><p></p><p>I agree with everything SWOT has suggested. If you read awhile on this site, you will see how difficult it is for us mothers and fathers to detach from our difficult adult kids. Your wife does not sound as if she has any commitment to change at this point and for any real change to take place, WE are the ones who must change. As you mentioned, your step son is living on easy street, why on earth would HE change.</p><p></p><p>How <u>we</u> change is <u>we</u> begin responding differently. We set boundaries. We stop the money flow. We say no. We get the help we need to make the changes. It's your home, <u>you</u> make the rules. Your wife may not change, but YOU can. I agree about you seeing a therapist on your own to look at YOUR options. Living with our difficult kids can suck all the joy out of life and you're right, you didn't do anything to deserve this, but ....here you are......I needed a village to make the changes necessary and I needed a safe place to go to vent and be heard. You deserve that too.....find yourself the support you need. At the very least, you will have a place to vent and that will help a lot.</p><p></p><p>You might find the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here helpful. You also might attend an Al Anon or Narc Anon or Families anonymous meeting to get yourself some support from other parents in the same place. Many parents here have received support, guidance and resources at 12 step groups.</p><p></p><p>I understand how you feel. I recall not wanting to come home when my daughter lived with us. My husband put up with a lot for a while there, he is not the father of my daughter either......... I could see that if it continued in the same way, my marriage would have suffered greatly. I had a huge commitment to change though, I did not want to live in the hell that my daughter brought with her........you're in a crummy situation because he is not your son and your wife is not willing to make any changes......I can see how you would be depressed and of course, feel utterly powerless.......</p><p></p><p>It sounds as if you are reaching an end for yourself.......where "something" has to move, to shift......perhaps if you see a therapist or attend a group, you will begin to see options.....nothing feels worse than that feeling of being stuck and having no options.....where you presently find yourself. I'm so sorry. I know how bad it can get.</p><p></p><p>Get yourself support, keep posting.......you're not alone.....we're all here for you.....hang in there yangstein.....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 704580, member: 13542"] yangstein, welcome. I am sorry you find yourself in this awful predicament with your step son. I agree with everything SWOT has suggested. If you read awhile on this site, you will see how difficult it is for us mothers and fathers to detach from our difficult adult kids. Your wife does not sound as if she has any commitment to change at this point and for any real change to take place, WE are the ones who must change. As you mentioned, your step son is living on easy street, why on earth would HE change. How [U]we[/U] change is [U]we[/U] begin responding differently. We set boundaries. We stop the money flow. We say no. We get the help we need to make the changes. It's your home, [U]you[/U] make the rules. Your wife may not change, but YOU can. I agree about you seeing a therapist on your own to look at YOUR options. Living with our difficult kids can suck all the joy out of life and you're right, you didn't do anything to deserve this, but ....here you are......I needed a village to make the changes necessary and I needed a safe place to go to vent and be heard. You deserve that too.....find yourself the support you need. At the very least, you will have a place to vent and that will help a lot. You might find the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here helpful. You also might attend an Al Anon or Narc Anon or Families anonymous meeting to get yourself some support from other parents in the same place. Many parents here have received support, guidance and resources at 12 step groups. I understand how you feel. I recall not wanting to come home when my daughter lived with us. My husband put up with a lot for a while there, he is not the father of my daughter either......... I could see that if it continued in the same way, my marriage would have suffered greatly. I had a huge commitment to change though, I did not want to live in the hell that my daughter brought with her........you're in a crummy situation because he is not your son and your wife is not willing to make any changes......I can see how you would be depressed and of course, feel utterly powerless....... It sounds as if you are reaching an end for yourself.......where "something" has to move, to shift......perhaps if you see a therapist or attend a group, you will begin to see options.....nothing feels worse than that feeling of being stuck and having no options.....where you presently find yourself. I'm so sorry. I know how bad it can get. Get yourself support, keep posting.......you're not alone.....we're all here for you.....hang in there yangstein..... [/QUOTE]
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