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<blockquote data-quote="WannabeAgoodFather" data-source="post: 704615" data-attributes="member: 21165"><p>Wow... I am getting more support than ever. It makes me feel very good. Thank all of you for your support. I have faced this issue for a long time but nowhere to bring up the issue and vent. If he were my own son, I would have made decisions and actions long ago. Since I am the step father and do not want to get blame like "You do this because he is your step son". I would have kicked him out and face the reality long time ago if he was my own child. I take discipline seriously but am not a helicopter parent. All my children have been brought up without prejudice or strict rules where I gave them freedom but always taught that "Freedom comes with responsibilities and when you abuse that, then you will have to face consequences" type of environment. Never checked whether they did the homework or anything like that. However I always asked if there is any problem with school, friends or other issues. I made sure I was there to help if they had any problems and questions.</p><p></p><p>For my stepson, I made it very clear during the Freshman Summer break in high school before he went back to school. His cousins that he grew up with has zillionaire father. Therefore they will be taken care of no matter what. But "You have to create your own life as you are different from your cousins. Sophomore year to graduation of a college, which would be 7 years from now could decide rest of your life and make sure not to lose focus and invest those time for yourself" From that time, things got out of control. He started smoking, things around the house started disappearing but he always denied for anything. Changes in his attitude and behavior were not tolerable.</p><p></p><p>When we moved to NY from FL, I bought him a nice new car, telling him it is your final year in high school and sorry for the move. However, I got you in the best school so you could have a better access to the World. House rules.</p><p>1. Do not smoke pot in the house</p><p>2. Do not smoke pot and drive</p><p>3. Do not get into an accident (being a cause) or get tickets for petty things</p><p>4. Do not drink and drive</p><p></p><p>Within one month, he broke 3 out of 4 simple rules and got caught. For drinking and drive, we do not know whether he did or not. Then we decided to let him go back to FL to attend his senior year in same high school living with his uncle as he wanted. It did not turn out in a good way. He skipped classes and literally wasted his senior year.</p><p>Somehow he got into a decent school in FL and spent next 2 years doing absolutely nothing. I tried to help him with selecting classes but when the student doesn't go to classes or study, you can't pass classes. He lied to us and flew to Colorado to celebrate 420 day is one of the thousand things he lied. He did not even do the walk through after moving out of his apartment. Collection agency finally got hold of me one day before they were going to report to credit bureau. I signed the lease so it was my responsibility. I paid the fine and that was when I decided that I could not rely on him and put my credit or other things at risk.</p><p></p><p>I heard mother and son talk for 2 days in a row. Mother clearly mentioned that he had all the chances but failed in every single time. Current house rule or what mother wants are very simple.</p><p>- Get a real job with future (Not Dominos)</p><p>- Exercise and get into shape</p><p>- Go to any school to find out what you would like to do with your life</p><p></p><p>It doesn't even have smoking rules as I believe mother kind of gave up on smoking thing. He doesn't smoke like ordinary recreational people would. He would do so called "Dabbing" When we were away to go skiing the day after Christmas last year, he did not want to join the family. Later we found out that he went to urgent care on that day and January 2nd. He would not tell us why he went there as he claimed he is an adult. That is when I felt my patience ran out, sorry for the youngest one to witness all of this and decided not to even talk to him anymore.</p><p></p><p>Mother has been saying the same thing over and over again but it just doesn't get to his head. He rolls his eyes and moves on. In some way I understand his point as his mother abuses alcohol for a long time. I have 2 problems to deal with. When you come back home from work and walk in the house, the first thing I find is a glass of wine. That is another issue but I just can't handle both at the same time.....</p><p></p><p>Mother kicked him out of the house, sent him to Cape Cod where her family is for the Summer hoping he would bounce back to life. Instead, he hung out with his cousins doing the same exact things... Did not work for a day where Cape in the Summer screams for money and opportunities. His aunt sent a text message to his mother that he could no longer stay with her. He came back to CA and I did not even know until the day he came back. His mother did not even discuss or tell me that he was coming until the actual day when my wife was going in to a hospital for a hip surgery. That made me not to express anything. What could I have said to a person going into a major surgery???? I sent text message to my step son stating that I did not know why he is back but told him straight forward that he would have to move out for everyone's sake and happiness. I am totally stuck where there seems to be no exit.</p><p></p><p>Mother son talk for 2 days will not do anything as I have seen it for the last 7 years. I told my wife that some people understand and learn through discussions with other people especially with parents. Some people just can't do that and have to learn things by himself. If you keep letting things happen the way it has been, then there will never be a change. It has been ignored and I decided not to even mention my step son's name as it would boil me inside out. I just let it go and as long as I do not see him and he does not do something stupid, I will carry on. I gave up. When 2 toilet lever broke in one day, I told my wife it is him as he uses toilet with his feet. He pushes the lever down and it breaks. How simple fact is that? My neighbors all laugh at it as I was telling the truth how some men do those things. He already has broken a couple of toilet seat by slamming it with his feet. Mother denied it and fixed it herself as I was getting angry that she would not admit the fact. Little careless things like that irritate me as I see it coming from "Zero Respect" He doesn't appreciate things that have given to him. First red flag and we have not passed the first red flag for years. That is why it is so stressful.</p><p></p><p>Soon, I will have to tell her I would move out or something to wake her up. I am preparing myself for the worst as I have done enough and think I deserve some sort of peace and happiness.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> I took 100000% more patience on this issue because of he is my step son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WannabeAgoodFather, post: 704615, member: 21165"] Wow... I am getting more support than ever. It makes me feel very good. Thank all of you for your support. I have faced this issue for a long time but nowhere to bring up the issue and vent. If he were my own son, I would have made decisions and actions long ago. Since I am the step father and do not want to get blame like "You do this because he is your step son". I would have kicked him out and face the reality long time ago if he was my own child. I take discipline seriously but am not a helicopter parent. All my children have been brought up without prejudice or strict rules where I gave them freedom but always taught that "Freedom comes with responsibilities and when you abuse that, then you will have to face consequences" type of environment. Never checked whether they did the homework or anything like that. However I always asked if there is any problem with school, friends or other issues. I made sure I was there to help if they had any problems and questions. For my stepson, I made it very clear during the Freshman Summer break in high school before he went back to school. His cousins that he grew up with has zillionaire father. Therefore they will be taken care of no matter what. But "You have to create your own life as you are different from your cousins. Sophomore year to graduation of a college, which would be 7 years from now could decide rest of your life and make sure not to lose focus and invest those time for yourself" From that time, things got out of control. He started smoking, things around the house started disappearing but he always denied for anything. Changes in his attitude and behavior were not tolerable. When we moved to NY from FL, I bought him a nice new car, telling him it is your final year in high school and sorry for the move. However, I got you in the best school so you could have a better access to the World. House rules. 1. Do not smoke pot in the house 2. Do not smoke pot and drive 3. Do not get into an accident (being a cause) or get tickets for petty things 4. Do not drink and drive Within one month, he broke 3 out of 4 simple rules and got caught. For drinking and drive, we do not know whether he did or not. Then we decided to let him go back to FL to attend his senior year in same high school living with his uncle as he wanted. It did not turn out in a good way. He skipped classes and literally wasted his senior year. Somehow he got into a decent school in FL and spent next 2 years doing absolutely nothing. I tried to help him with selecting classes but when the student doesn't go to classes or study, you can't pass classes. He lied to us and flew to Colorado to celebrate 420 day is one of the thousand things he lied. He did not even do the walk through after moving out of his apartment. Collection agency finally got hold of me one day before they were going to report to credit bureau. I signed the lease so it was my responsibility. I paid the fine and that was when I decided that I could not rely on him and put my credit or other things at risk. I heard mother and son talk for 2 days in a row. Mother clearly mentioned that he had all the chances but failed in every single time. Current house rule or what mother wants are very simple. - Get a real job with future (Not Dominos) - Exercise and get into shape - Go to any school to find out what you would like to do with your life It doesn't even have smoking rules as I believe mother kind of gave up on smoking thing. He doesn't smoke like ordinary recreational people would. He would do so called "Dabbing" When we were away to go skiing the day after Christmas last year, he did not want to join the family. Later we found out that he went to urgent care on that day and January 2nd. He would not tell us why he went there as he claimed he is an adult. That is when I felt my patience ran out, sorry for the youngest one to witness all of this and decided not to even talk to him anymore. Mother has been saying the same thing over and over again but it just doesn't get to his head. He rolls his eyes and moves on. In some way I understand his point as his mother abuses alcohol for a long time. I have 2 problems to deal with. When you come back home from work and walk in the house, the first thing I find is a glass of wine. That is another issue but I just can't handle both at the same time..... Mother kicked him out of the house, sent him to Cape Cod where her family is for the Summer hoping he would bounce back to life. Instead, he hung out with his cousins doing the same exact things... Did not work for a day where Cape in the Summer screams for money and opportunities. His aunt sent a text message to his mother that he could no longer stay with her. He came back to CA and I did not even know until the day he came back. His mother did not even discuss or tell me that he was coming until the actual day when my wife was going in to a hospital for a hip surgery. That made me not to express anything. What could I have said to a person going into a major surgery???? I sent text message to my step son stating that I did not know why he is back but told him straight forward that he would have to move out for everyone's sake and happiness. I am totally stuck where there seems to be no exit. Mother son talk for 2 days will not do anything as I have seen it for the last 7 years. I told my wife that some people understand and learn through discussions with other people especially with parents. Some people just can't do that and have to learn things by himself. If you keep letting things happen the way it has been, then there will never be a change. It has been ignored and I decided not to even mention my step son's name as it would boil me inside out. I just let it go and as long as I do not see him and he does not do something stupid, I will carry on. I gave up. When 2 toilet lever broke in one day, I told my wife it is him as he uses toilet with his feet. He pushes the lever down and it breaks. How simple fact is that? My neighbors all laugh at it as I was telling the truth how some men do those things. He already has broken a couple of toilet seat by slamming it with his feet. Mother denied it and fixed it herself as I was getting angry that she would not admit the fact. Little careless things like that irritate me as I see it coming from "Zero Respect" He doesn't appreciate things that have given to him. First red flag and we have not passed the first red flag for years. That is why it is so stressful. Soon, I will have to tell her I would move out or something to wake her up. I am preparing myself for the worst as I have done enough and think I deserve some sort of peace and happiness. I took 100000% more patience on this issue because of he is my step son. [/QUOTE]
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