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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 704623" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>yangstein, thank you for telling us your story. </p><p></p><p>Ok, here is my first reaction........in my opinion, you are dealing with substance abuse with not only your step son,but it sounds like your wife as well. It sounds as if you are codependent with both of them. Enabling both of them. You are in a bad place. Your needs don't matter within the present framework you find yourself in, all the focus goes on to the "other." It is a desperate, devastating, terrible place to be. It is no wonder you are depressed and hate to go home.</p><p></p><p>I am a major enabler. In order for me to stop it, I had to enter a 2 year codependency course through Kaiser here in CA. You may be familiar with them. It saved my life. It gave me the tools and the information and the necessary strength to change. I can't recall if you are in NY or CA. but if you belong to K.P., check out their substance abuse program near you, they have a codependency course within it which is incredible. Maybe you can <u><em>all</em></u> go. I went alone, but most of the folks were there with a family member who was a substance abuser.</p><p></p><p>In order to change anything in this scenario (in my opinion) you need to seek support for yourself so you can find options that work for YOU. When we are enablers, we just continue helping until it darn near kills us. It sounds as if you are pretty close to making some kind of choice and I suggest you attend Al Alon, CoDa, Families Anonymous or therapy. It is pretty difficult to change this pattern on our own because it is so a part of us we can't separate our love for them with our enabling of them. </p><p></p><p>You have no allies in your own family. I can relate. I trained everyone around me NOT to care about my needs, I trained them and then I had to retrain them once I learned how to care for my own needs and desires. This is not easy to do, it's like trying to stop a runaway train going at warp speed. Hence, getting all the support you can get.</p><p></p><p>In m opinon and experience, this is now about YOU, not your step son or your wife. They are the opportunities for change, the catalyst for you to see how far out it's become. You can't change them, fix them or control them. You can only change YOU. When you change, they will be forced to shift their behavior or not, but change will happen for you. When one person changes, everyone around them has to change or they will make it obvious that they are unwilling to change and then <u>you</u> have a choice. Your wife and your son are strongly influenced by mind altering substances, their ability to be real, to be authentic, to be rational and truthful and loving is thwarted by their abuse. So, you are running around in a terrible hamster wheel trying to get them to hear you when in reality, they cannot. YOU have to seek help to find a different approach. Remember the adage "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" Well, it sounds as if that is where you are........and that feels really bad. No options. Stuck. Powerless. Out of control. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been there, I know exactly how that feels.</p><p></p><p>My strong suggestion to you is to seek professional help or get yourself into a 12 step group or some kind of counseling as soon as you can. You will learn tools to help you to change the behavior and you will gain the strength to make whatever changes are necessary for you to regain your joy in life, your peace, your well being and believe me, you will feel so much better about yourself.</p><p></p><p>You already exhibited enormous patience with your step son. Go take care of YOU now.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there yangstein, this feels really bad, I know, but it is fixable and doable. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem, you've done that. Now seek the support to change.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 704623, member: 13542"] yangstein, thank you for telling us your story. Ok, here is my first reaction........in my opinion, you are dealing with substance abuse with not only your step son,but it sounds like your wife as well. It sounds as if you are codependent with both of them. Enabling both of them. You are in a bad place. Your needs don't matter within the present framework you find yourself in, all the focus goes on to the "other." It is a desperate, devastating, terrible place to be. It is no wonder you are depressed and hate to go home. I am a major enabler. In order for me to stop it, I had to enter a 2 year codependency course through Kaiser here in CA. You may be familiar with them. It saved my life. It gave me the tools and the information and the necessary strength to change. I can't recall if you are in NY or CA. but if you belong to K.P., check out their substance abuse program near you, they have a codependency course within it which is incredible. Maybe you can [U][I]all[/I][/U] go. I went alone, but most of the folks were there with a family member who was a substance abuser. In order to change anything in this scenario (in my opinion) you need to seek support for yourself so you can find options that work for YOU. When we are enablers, we just continue helping until it darn near kills us. It sounds as if you are pretty close to making some kind of choice and I suggest you attend Al Alon, CoDa, Families Anonymous or therapy. It is pretty difficult to change this pattern on our own because it is so a part of us we can't separate our love for them with our enabling of them. You have no allies in your own family. I can relate. I trained everyone around me NOT to care about my needs, I trained them and then I had to retrain them once I learned how to care for my own needs and desires. This is not easy to do, it's like trying to stop a runaway train going at warp speed. Hence, getting all the support you can get. In m opinon and experience, this is now about YOU, not your step son or your wife. They are the opportunities for change, the catalyst for you to see how far out it's become. You can't change them, fix them or control them. You can only change YOU. When you change, they will be forced to shift their behavior or not, but change will happen for you. When one person changes, everyone around them has to change or they will make it obvious that they are unwilling to change and then [U]you[/U] have a choice. Your wife and your son are strongly influenced by mind altering substances, their ability to be real, to be authentic, to be rational and truthful and loving is thwarted by their abuse. So, you are running around in a terrible hamster wheel trying to get them to hear you when in reality, they cannot. YOU have to seek help to find a different approach. Remember the adage "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?" Well, it sounds as if that is where you are........and that feels really bad. No options. Stuck. Powerless. Out of control. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've been there, I know exactly how that feels. My strong suggestion to you is to seek professional help or get yourself into a 12 step group or some kind of counseling as soon as you can. You will learn tools to help you to change the behavior and you will gain the strength to make whatever changes are necessary for you to regain your joy in life, your peace, your well being and believe me, you will feel so much better about yourself. You already exhibited enormous patience with your step son. Go take care of YOU now. Hang in there yangstein, this feels really bad, I know, but it is fixable and doable. The first step is recognizing that you have a problem, you've done that. Now seek the support to change. [/QUOTE]
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