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<blockquote data-quote="WannabeAgoodFather" data-source="post: 704811" data-attributes="member: 21165"><p>in my humble opinion, a substance addiction come in various forms that you could notice. I overheard few conversation between the mother and her son over</p><p>last week as I am feeling that mother has the fear that I would finally come out of my cocoon and start saying something which will trigger a</p><p>big thing in the house. Mother started to converse with her son but I see and hear conversations but nothing is directed to core problems where mother is</p><p>constantly asking for "PLANS" which he doesn't have but always gives so called BS plans to escape once again with the awkward moment plus</p><p>buying time as this became a usual pattern that I have witnessed for years.</p><p></p><p>Mother began to attack the issue that the son has not improved anything over the years, which is 100% TRUE. She started the conversation with him expected to have come back home with his tail between his leg, where he acted totally opposite way with cockiness. Obviously attending a rehab course, drug test and other things to follow up recommended by the therapist were never implemented because of the mother who bent the rules left and right despite her promises with me and the therapist. Her biggest fear is that once he gets out and will never return in the meantime others in the house continue to suffer. I think and understand the excuse on this part from the mother's point of view. However, we should do the middle check just like mid term election is my opinion. Mother not strong enough to put into real actions must be discussed but each time I bring up the issue from a small incident, she rather protects her son, denies facts or changes the subject so I have no ground to pursue any further. It is the worst time of the year to discuss but I will have to man up and bring up the issue on the table on the holiday season. What will happen? A chaos is 100%. Tension between the mother and me, 100%. However, the instigator will not have any effect or consequences is the most frustrating part that I do not even want to bother most of times. Sometimes, I think it is not even my worth of aggravation where there will be no action to follow. I ordered 2 books last week from Amazon recommended by forum members dealing with problematic adult child. I will read first to see if the book is relevant to our situation. Then I will give it to mother.</p><p></p><p>I strongly believe mother has the KEY to the whole situation. I heard that mother kept on buying excuses the son was laying out concerning taking that ONE stupid class. How difficult would take one class be where there are so many institutions around where we live? When the issue comes up, son has answer to everything why he couldn't take that particular class for last 2 years to get back into a student life. There are many great people who did not go to school and we do not push him to go to school. I think comparing one child to another is the WORST thing a parent can do and I do not want to go there. Other 2 children are extremely self driven and ended up in an IVY school and the other will go to similar caliber institution because he wants to. We have never pushed him to do his homework or anything. We just told him to enjoy life and follow his instinct. As years go by, the difference is becoming far apart and it becomes more difficult to even talk to the one with the problem. It broke my heart when the youngest one said of his step brother "Oxygen Waster" where he doesn't show any effort to improve himself. He told his stepbrother "When your mother says go wash your hair or put some decent clothes on before you go out, then do it... It doesn't take 1 hour to do it where it takes only 10 minutes. Do it and make her happy. Why do you resist to do a stupid easy thing and create scream in the house?" The other doesn't even respond.</p><p></p><p>Since there is absolute no response to anything, I will have to come up with some sort of shock that can wake him up. I will tell him he will no longer have health insurance. He only used it to go to urgent care for whatever the reasons (We expect that it was related to smoking too much) On 2 occasions, we were out of town. One incident, he complained pain in his knees... For me, it is luxury that we are providing him for no reason. Knowing how expensive it is to have him under my insurance policy, I do not think it is fair that I give him for free. I am not sure but someone mentioned that you cannot even file the income tax if you do not have a proof of insurance soon. Instead of buying a Gucci wallet, Ferragamo bracelet and other expensive stuff, he could buy his own policy.</p><p></p><p>1. Attitude</p><p> This is the most difficult thing to deal with as a parent. It is "I am doing everything right, Nothing's wrong. You are making it</p><p> sounds horrible but everything is under control" "You don't know what you are talking about as I know a lot more than you do"</p><p> "Whatever you say, I will do whatever I can and I do not think anything is wrong as I do not bother you guys"</p><p></p><p> He doesn't see any problems or uncomfortable things that he creates around the house. Once someone doesn't admit facts, then</p><p> the whole things become very difficult. Lies will make other lies to stay in the "La La Land with lies" I think you will not even understand that</p><p> you are lying anymore and get caught up with your own lies. We have passed that point.</p><p></p><p>2. School</p><p> The first excuse was he had to establish a residency in California in order to enroll to a school as "In State". This is correct but he could</p><p> have taken core courses needed in CA in various ways to prepare before the residency issue. Mother proposed that she would pay for the courses and</p><p> the son said only one course is needed. This is when he came back to the house in 2015 after Spring Semester. I would have taken that specific course</p><p> from a local community college to get it over with as so many different options are out there. He kept on saying he has taken all other pre requisite</p><p> classes from his previous school and only one is needed. Almost 2 years no action.</p><p></p><p>3. Job</p><p> From the very first day, mother has been saying to find a restaurant job, then make friends with similar situation he is in to share ideas and make</p><p> friendships, move on... No... Dominos is enough as he doesn't have to listen or associate with other people. According to him, he spends lots of so called</p><p> friends that participate in "Fantasy Football" On weekends, he's gone from the house as he would watch the games all day somewhere else.</p><p></p><p>4. Kicking Him Out Of The House</p><p> I briefly mentioned this. Mother kicked him out to Cape Cod where her family is. Instead of finding a job and working, it was more disaster where he drained</p><p> all his money and influenced his cousins where one of his aunts told my wife that my stepson needed to come back to CA as they couldn't handle him there.</p><p> It was never discussed with me but the mother told me in front of the hospital building when she was going in to the hospital to get her hip surgery. The kid </p><p> came back on the same day. Ever since that day, it is as bad a situation with a grown up 22 year old can bring to a family.</p><p></p><p>5. Volunteering and other activities</p><p> His mother and I see lots of productive young kids all around, supporting him/herself through college, working 2.3 jobs.. It's great to meet those people</p><p> and opportunities are out there. Nothing... Just nothing....</p><p></p><p>As I mentioned before, there is ONLY one solution that I can see to wake him up. OUT OF THE HOUSE and face "The Real World". I think it is the only and last solution to make things moving. Our neighbors who have seen what is happening, suggested the mother the same thing but mother is not budging.</p><p></p><p>Conclusion, mother and son have the KFS(Key For Success). Action Required... Me? I am just a stepfather providing free room and board for him. I am so fed up with this whole situation and not looking forward to this holiday season at all..... My father, who will be going into his 4th round of Chemo in 2 weeks is my main concern now than anything. There is no life for me and I do nothing but regret all these BS's happening in the house.</p><p></p><p>Sorry if I put anyone down this Monday but I had to let it out somehow. I will post this on my thread....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WannabeAgoodFather, post: 704811, member: 21165"] in my humble opinion, a substance addiction come in various forms that you could notice. I overheard few conversation between the mother and her son over last week as I am feeling that mother has the fear that I would finally come out of my cocoon and start saying something which will trigger a big thing in the house. Mother started to converse with her son but I see and hear conversations but nothing is directed to core problems where mother is constantly asking for "PLANS" which he doesn't have but always gives so called BS plans to escape once again with the awkward moment plus buying time as this became a usual pattern that I have witnessed for years. Mother began to attack the issue that the son has not improved anything over the years, which is 100% TRUE. She started the conversation with him expected to have come back home with his tail between his leg, where he acted totally opposite way with cockiness. Obviously attending a rehab course, drug test and other things to follow up recommended by the therapist were never implemented because of the mother who bent the rules left and right despite her promises with me and the therapist. Her biggest fear is that once he gets out and will never return in the meantime others in the house continue to suffer. I think and understand the excuse on this part from the mother's point of view. However, we should do the middle check just like mid term election is my opinion. Mother not strong enough to put into real actions must be discussed but each time I bring up the issue from a small incident, she rather protects her son, denies facts or changes the subject so I have no ground to pursue any further. It is the worst time of the year to discuss but I will have to man up and bring up the issue on the table on the holiday season. What will happen? A chaos is 100%. Tension between the mother and me, 100%. However, the instigator will not have any effect or consequences is the most frustrating part that I do not even want to bother most of times. Sometimes, I think it is not even my worth of aggravation where there will be no action to follow. I ordered 2 books last week from Amazon recommended by forum members dealing with problematic adult child. I will read first to see if the book is relevant to our situation. Then I will give it to mother. I strongly believe mother has the KEY to the whole situation. I heard that mother kept on buying excuses the son was laying out concerning taking that ONE stupid class. How difficult would take one class be where there are so many institutions around where we live? When the issue comes up, son has answer to everything why he couldn't take that particular class for last 2 years to get back into a student life. There are many great people who did not go to school and we do not push him to go to school. I think comparing one child to another is the WORST thing a parent can do and I do not want to go there. Other 2 children are extremely self driven and ended up in an IVY school and the other will go to similar caliber institution because he wants to. We have never pushed him to do his homework or anything. We just told him to enjoy life and follow his instinct. As years go by, the difference is becoming far apart and it becomes more difficult to even talk to the one with the problem. It broke my heart when the youngest one said of his step brother "Oxygen Waster" where he doesn't show any effort to improve himself. He told his stepbrother "When your mother says go wash your hair or put some decent clothes on before you go out, then do it... It doesn't take 1 hour to do it where it takes only 10 minutes. Do it and make her happy. Why do you resist to do a stupid easy thing and create scream in the house?" The other doesn't even respond. Since there is absolute no response to anything, I will have to come up with some sort of shock that can wake him up. I will tell him he will no longer have health insurance. He only used it to go to urgent care for whatever the reasons (We expect that it was related to smoking too much) On 2 occasions, we were out of town. One incident, he complained pain in his knees... For me, it is luxury that we are providing him for no reason. Knowing how expensive it is to have him under my insurance policy, I do not think it is fair that I give him for free. I am not sure but someone mentioned that you cannot even file the income tax if you do not have a proof of insurance soon. Instead of buying a Gucci wallet, Ferragamo bracelet and other expensive stuff, he could buy his own policy. 1. Attitude This is the most difficult thing to deal with as a parent. It is "I am doing everything right, Nothing's wrong. You are making it sounds horrible but everything is under control" "You don't know what you are talking about as I know a lot more than you do" "Whatever you say, I will do whatever I can and I do not think anything is wrong as I do not bother you guys" He doesn't see any problems or uncomfortable things that he creates around the house. Once someone doesn't admit facts, then the whole things become very difficult. Lies will make other lies to stay in the "La La Land with lies" I think you will not even understand that you are lying anymore and get caught up with your own lies. We have passed that point. 2. School The first excuse was he had to establish a residency in California in order to enroll to a school as "In State". This is correct but he could have taken core courses needed in CA in various ways to prepare before the residency issue. Mother proposed that she would pay for the courses and the son said only one course is needed. This is when he came back to the house in 2015 after Spring Semester. I would have taken that specific course from a local community college to get it over with as so many different options are out there. He kept on saying he has taken all other pre requisite classes from his previous school and only one is needed. Almost 2 years no action. 3. Job From the very first day, mother has been saying to find a restaurant job, then make friends with similar situation he is in to share ideas and make friendships, move on... No... Dominos is enough as he doesn't have to listen or associate with other people. According to him, he spends lots of so called friends that participate in "Fantasy Football" On weekends, he's gone from the house as he would watch the games all day somewhere else. 4. Kicking Him Out Of The House I briefly mentioned this. Mother kicked him out to Cape Cod where her family is. Instead of finding a job and working, it was more disaster where he drained all his money and influenced his cousins where one of his aunts told my wife that my stepson needed to come back to CA as they couldn't handle him there. It was never discussed with me but the mother told me in front of the hospital building when she was going in to the hospital to get her hip surgery. The kid came back on the same day. Ever since that day, it is as bad a situation with a grown up 22 year old can bring to a family. 5. Volunteering and other activities His mother and I see lots of productive young kids all around, supporting him/herself through college, working 2.3 jobs.. It's great to meet those people and opportunities are out there. Nothing... Just nothing.... As I mentioned before, there is ONLY one solution that I can see to wake him up. OUT OF THE HOUSE and face "The Real World". I think it is the only and last solution to make things moving. Our neighbors who have seen what is happening, suggested the mother the same thing but mother is not budging. Conclusion, mother and son have the KFS(Key For Success). Action Required... Me? I am just a stepfather providing free room and board for him. I am so fed up with this whole situation and not looking forward to this holiday season at all..... My father, who will be going into his 4th round of Chemo in 2 weeks is my main concern now than anything. There is no life for me and I do nothing but regret all these BS's happening in the house. Sorry if I put anyone down this Monday but I had to let it out somehow. I will post this on my thread.... [/QUOTE]
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