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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 704910" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Yangstein, your post brings up memories of when my life was devastated by my daughter's behavior and choices. My husband stepped up the plate in every possible way as well as helping me raise my granddaughter (my daughter's daughter). He's a wonderful, kind, loving, generous man......much like you.....and he's not my daughter's Dad......As time went by, I could see how my daughter's life choices would slowly erode my relationship with him.....it's just such an awful place to be.......but the look of pain in his eyes as he watched me lose it time and time again stays with me to this day. He felt powerless to do anything. I was working diligently, constantly and with an enormous commitment to change and detach, I was willing to do whatever it took, seriously, to stop the pain, the heartbreak, all of it. And, I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to lose what he and I had. I didn't detach from my daughter because of him, that was for me, but he was a MAJOR consideration......</p><p></p><p>That's the part of your story I respond to, that it sounds as if you are <u>not</u> a consideration. I certainly understand how difficult it is for a mother to make choices which may be painful for her child, I've been there..........however, you matter too. It doesn't sound as if there is an open dialogue for you to express how you feel or offer options which actually get heard and considered. I remember my husband and I talking continuously about how <u>we</u> were going to handle it.....he had valuable input and I always considered his feelings and his opinions. I may have missed something along the way, but it doesn't sound as if your input is valued or considered. </p><p></p><p>Part of that may indeed be that you have codependent/enabling/rescuing tendencies where it is difficult for you to identify, express and ultimately get your needs met, certainly I fall under that category.......you can work on that for yourself so when you are at that choice point, you will make the choice that is best for you and for your family. </p><p></p><p>Although it seems that your step-son is the culprit in your story, to me it sounds as if you have a broken family system. Your step son's acting out may be the catalyst for a change that is necessary for all of you to build a stronger foundation which is built on mutual respect, love and communication.......or not. However, if your wife is not willing to change at all, then you are alone, you are stuck and you are powerless. </p><p></p><p>In any negative life situation, in my experience, we have 3 options, change it, leave it or accept it. You can't change it alone, you need to have a united front which you don't have, at least now.......you certainly could accept it, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound as if that has worked out for you, given the depression and the not wanting to come home......so leaving it appears to be where you're headed. </p><p></p><p>We're supporting <u>you</u> here, not your wife, if she were here with you, and we heard her view, it might be different, but here, now, it's about you. There is a lot for you to consider......I feel for you......I can look at your situation and see myself and my husband and how it could have turned out if we had made different choices.......there is no right or wrong choice, every one of us here is on a very similar path with our adult kids, but we all make different choices......no one is right, no one is wrong, it's what we can live with.</p><p></p><p>You have much to think about. Keep posting. We're here for you, you're not alone.......hang in there yangstein, you're on the right track, a tough track for sure, but you're headed in the right direction, the direction where whatever happens, you will feel as if <strong>you matter.....</strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 704910, member: 13542"] Yangstein, your post brings up memories of when my life was devastated by my daughter's behavior and choices. My husband stepped up the plate in every possible way as well as helping me raise my granddaughter (my daughter's daughter). He's a wonderful, kind, loving, generous man......much like you.....and he's not my daughter's Dad......As time went by, I could see how my daughter's life choices would slowly erode my relationship with him.....it's just such an awful place to be.......but the look of pain in his eyes as he watched me lose it time and time again stays with me to this day. He felt powerless to do anything. I was working diligently, constantly and with an enormous commitment to change and detach, I was willing to do whatever it took, seriously, to stop the pain, the heartbreak, all of it. And, I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't want to lose what he and I had. I didn't detach from my daughter because of him, that was for me, but he was a MAJOR consideration...... That's the part of your story I respond to, that it sounds as if you are [U]not[/U] a consideration. I certainly understand how difficult it is for a mother to make choices which may be painful for her child, I've been there..........however, you matter too. It doesn't sound as if there is an open dialogue for you to express how you feel or offer options which actually get heard and considered. I remember my husband and I talking continuously about how [U]we[/U] were going to handle it.....he had valuable input and I always considered his feelings and his opinions. I may have missed something along the way, but it doesn't sound as if your input is valued or considered. Part of that may indeed be that you have codependent/enabling/rescuing tendencies where it is difficult for you to identify, express and ultimately get your needs met, certainly I fall under that category.......you can work on that for yourself so when you are at that choice point, you will make the choice that is best for you and for your family. Although it seems that your step-son is the culprit in your story, to me it sounds as if you have a broken family system. Your step son's acting out may be the catalyst for a change that is necessary for all of you to build a stronger foundation which is built on mutual respect, love and communication.......or not. However, if your wife is not willing to change at all, then you are alone, you are stuck and you are powerless. In any negative life situation, in my experience, we have 3 options, change it, leave it or accept it. You can't change it alone, you need to have a united front which you don't have, at least now.......you certainly could accept it, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound as if that has worked out for you, given the depression and the not wanting to come home......so leaving it appears to be where you're headed. We're supporting [U]you[/U] here, not your wife, if she were here with you, and we heard her view, it might be different, but here, now, it's about you. There is a lot for you to consider......I feel for you......I can look at your situation and see myself and my husband and how it could have turned out if we had made different choices.......there is no right or wrong choice, every one of us here is on a very similar path with our adult kids, but we all make different choices......no one is right, no one is wrong, it's what we can live with. You have much to think about. Keep posting. We're here for you, you're not alone.......hang in there yangstein, you're on the right track, a tough track for sure, but you're headed in the right direction, the direction where whatever happens, you will feel as if [B]you matter.....[/B] [/QUOTE]
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