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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704912" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have been here, too. Actually, recently. My partner, for example, told me: <em>I have all the responsibility but no authority. You yell at each other in English (he speaks Spanish only) and it excludes me, makes me powerless to help you or to help myself.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Very recently, he acted to insist my son get a drug test. (There had been months and months, and my son had not acted on any promises or commitments.) I backed him. I backed M. My son left.</p><p></p><p>But M also sees my agony when I do not know where my son is. Out in the cold.</p><p></p><p>There are all degrees of detachment. And detachment is not the only way. Culturally, individually we are all different. Our children are different.</p><p></p><p>There is no right or wrong way.</p><p></p><p>At bottom there has to be listening and the understanding and support.</p><p> I know M, my partner, felt this way. He felt like he was not considered. His feelings unimportant. He felt disrespected. He felt used.</p><p></p><p>It was not that I chose over him, that I chose my son's or my own interests or feelings over his. It was that the drama being acted out between my son and I was so compelling to us, it was as if nothing was real except this. I was forced to choose for myself. To wake up enough to realize that nobody was being helped by this kind of intense struggle. For what? I am not sure, still.</p><p> This did not happen in my own household for a long time. M did not leave but I bet he sure thought about it. He did need to believe that I factored him into the equation. I do not know how I did it, or how he became convinced that he was not only collateral damage. But I changed. Maybe you need to speak very honestly to your wife. That you will leave. That you must, for your own integrity and emotional safety.</p><p></p><p>Because the thing is this: you cannot make somebody else change. You can only honestly appraise yourself, your situation and decide. Your wife can then respond or not. Commit to try to change, which would be, initially honest communication.</p><p></p><p>I would stop trying to convince her, and try to center myself on what I need. And then I would try to communicate exactly what is in your heart. How you feel. Your suffering and pain. And how the marriage is not meeting your needs. And what you need to happen to feel if you counted to her. Because as RE says: it is about the family as a whole. Not your step-son. He is the focus, but the communication of needs and wants and pain, and truth is the issue. Either this can happen, or not. But it takes the attempt.</p><p></p><p>M has a quality that I thought was a defect: he is direct. Sometimes brutally and aggressively verbally direct. And only recently, I realized. That is what it looks like when somebody communicates their pain. It doesn't come out pretty and sweet. It comes out sometimes harsh and hurtful. At first. Especially, when one feels that nobody has been listening. Then I realized that M was fighting for us. Fighting for our relationship. He was not necessarily fighting for himself. He was trying to get my attention. He kept having to try, and try and try. Because I was ignoring him.</p><p></p><p>I was like your wife. I am so grateful to him for not giving up on me.</p><p></p><p>When he realized that I cared about him, TOO, he was able to keep giving and giving. Nothing changed. Really. My son is the same. I am the same. Except I found a way to show him that I cared. That I needed him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704912, member: 18958"] I have been here, too. Actually, recently. My partner, for example, told me: [I]I have all the responsibility but no authority. You yell at each other in English (he speaks Spanish only) and it excludes me, makes me powerless to help you or to help myself. [/I] Very recently, he acted to insist my son get a drug test. (There had been months and months, and my son had not acted on any promises or commitments.) I backed him. I backed M. My son left. But M also sees my agony when I do not know where my son is. Out in the cold. There are all degrees of detachment. And detachment is not the only way. Culturally, individually we are all different. Our children are different. There is no right or wrong way. At bottom there has to be listening and the understanding and support. I know M, my partner, felt this way. He felt like he was not considered. His feelings unimportant. He felt disrespected. He felt used. It was not that I chose over him, that I chose my son's or my own interests or feelings over his. It was that the drama being acted out between my son and I was so compelling to us, it was as if nothing was real except this. I was forced to choose for myself. To wake up enough to realize that nobody was being helped by this kind of intense struggle. For what? I am not sure, still. This did not happen in my own household for a long time. M did not leave but I bet he sure thought about it. He did need to believe that I factored him into the equation. I do not know how I did it, or how he became convinced that he was not only collateral damage. But I changed. Maybe you need to speak very honestly to your wife. That you will leave. That you must, for your own integrity and emotional safety. Because the thing is this: you cannot make somebody else change. You can only honestly appraise yourself, your situation and decide. Your wife can then respond or not. Commit to try to change, which would be, initially honest communication. I would stop trying to convince her, and try to center myself on what I need. And then I would try to communicate exactly what is in your heart. How you feel. Your suffering and pain. And how the marriage is not meeting your needs. And what you need to happen to feel if you counted to her. Because as RE says: it is about the family as a whole. Not your step-son. He is the focus, but the communication of needs and wants and pain, and truth is the issue. Either this can happen, or not. But it takes the attempt. M has a quality that I thought was a defect: he is direct. Sometimes brutally and aggressively verbally direct. And only recently, I realized. That is what it looks like when somebody communicates their pain. It doesn't come out pretty and sweet. It comes out sometimes harsh and hurtful. At first. Especially, when one feels that nobody has been listening. Then I realized that M was fighting for us. Fighting for our relationship. He was not necessarily fighting for himself. He was trying to get my attention. He kept having to try, and try and try. Because I was ignoring him. I was like your wife. I am so grateful to him for not giving up on me. When he realized that I cared about him, TOO, he was able to keep giving and giving. Nothing changed. Really. My son is the same. I am the same. Except I found a way to show him that I cared. That I needed him. [/QUOTE]
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