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<blockquote data-quote="WannabeAgoodFather" data-source="post: 704981" data-attributes="member: 21165"><p>Well... According to Copa, I feel like I am selfish and a control freak. If I were, I wouldn't be here talking about it or trying to find a solution. Marriage is a constant compromise and I have done my part. Going through therapies for my wife, checking out rehabs and all other activities. It just did not work as she would grab a bottle again. I learned to live with it but when it gets too much, I try to give her a signal, not to hurt her feelings such as yelling or making her feel bad. Instead, I say in the morning "Are you feeling ok?" Then she knows that she had a bit too much to drink the night before.</p><p></p><p>For the stepson, I shut down the conversation about him with my wife as she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She is already in serious stress because of him and I do not want to add more. It is like pouring gasoline to exiting fire. I love my wife so I try not to upset her. When I used to ask her questions, she got angry and yelled at me. Therefore, I would rather shut the front door for the peace of the house. I guess I am a kind of enabler, too.</p><p></p><p>Let me tell you about last night. It is stupid but my wife bought a sleeve of Klondike, an ice cream sandwich for me. I had one the day she bought it. Then it's been 3 days and she offered me one last night. I kept on saying no but said yes at last after being asked 5 times. She went downstairs and found nothing. Her son had them all.... She came back and said sorry there is nothing left and I said that is just fine. It was really fine with me. It was.... She said she was upset because she bought them for me. I said that is really ok where we could get another tomorrow. Am I being a hard person?</p><p></p><p>I used to have very positive expectations from my stepson. Not huge but at least to become a decent member of this society. I used to talk to him a lot, gave him good advice through out all those years even when he was in trouble for the first few years. However, even unconditional love has to have boundaries. He knows that he could fool his mother left and right as he would like but can't do that to me. That is why he doesn't want to be seen at the house these days. I do not know what exactly his mother said to him but I rarely see him anymore. I just hope he doesn't get into serious trouble with the law as he hasn't gotten to that point yet. Knock on wood....</p><p></p><p>I am not asking for pity here but a realty check. What is the root cause and how can we fix it? Yes. The ball is on my court. I could make the call and end this misery by leaving my wife. That is the quickest and easiest to do. I am not afraid for that. However, I love my wife no matter how she is so I am trying to find a solution here.</p><p></p><p>There have been all talk but no actions. You could plan all you want, whatever you want. However, if there is no implementation, constant empty promises and no execution, then why bother planning things?. I say I want to run a full marathon course in 3 hours over and over again but sitting in the couch eating pizza, drinking for 6 years and doing nothing. I will not be able to run at all. As you said, I wish I could tell my wife that my way is better. It is always she is right and I am wrong in the house. That is why we have been dragging this issue for so long. If I wanted to do things my way, I wouldn't be here venting. I would have finished it long time ago. Did I mention this? When my stepson was 15 or 16 and was supposed to protect his step brother as any step brother would, he bought and gave a THC edible lolly pop to my son and got caught. My son was only 11. My 22 year old stepson takes out my son's friend to smoke pot together in his car. I swallow all these for the sake of the family and love. If I were selfish, that would have been it long ago. I am miserable because I feel helpless in this crappy situation. Things aren't getting any better. I feel trapped. I feel terrible everyday. There are so many times I just wanted to end everything.....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WannabeAgoodFather, post: 704981, member: 21165"] Well... According to Copa, I feel like I am selfish and a control freak. If I were, I wouldn't be here talking about it or trying to find a solution. Marriage is a constant compromise and I have done my part. Going through therapies for my wife, checking out rehabs and all other activities. It just did not work as she would grab a bottle again. I learned to live with it but when it gets too much, I try to give her a signal, not to hurt her feelings such as yelling or making her feel bad. Instead, I say in the morning "Are you feeling ok?" Then she knows that she had a bit too much to drink the night before. For the stepson, I shut down the conversation about him with my wife as she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She is already in serious stress because of him and I do not want to add more. It is like pouring gasoline to exiting fire. I love my wife so I try not to upset her. When I used to ask her questions, she got angry and yelled at me. Therefore, I would rather shut the front door for the peace of the house. I guess I am a kind of enabler, too. Let me tell you about last night. It is stupid but my wife bought a sleeve of Klondike, an ice cream sandwich for me. I had one the day she bought it. Then it's been 3 days and she offered me one last night. I kept on saying no but said yes at last after being asked 5 times. She went downstairs and found nothing. Her son had them all.... She came back and said sorry there is nothing left and I said that is just fine. It was really fine with me. It was.... She said she was upset because she bought them for me. I said that is really ok where we could get another tomorrow. Am I being a hard person? I used to have very positive expectations from my stepson. Not huge but at least to become a decent member of this society. I used to talk to him a lot, gave him good advice through out all those years even when he was in trouble for the first few years. However, even unconditional love has to have boundaries. He knows that he could fool his mother left and right as he would like but can't do that to me. That is why he doesn't want to be seen at the house these days. I do not know what exactly his mother said to him but I rarely see him anymore. I just hope he doesn't get into serious trouble with the law as he hasn't gotten to that point yet. Knock on wood.... I am not asking for pity here but a realty check. What is the root cause and how can we fix it? Yes. The ball is on my court. I could make the call and end this misery by leaving my wife. That is the quickest and easiest to do. I am not afraid for that. However, I love my wife no matter how she is so I am trying to find a solution here. There have been all talk but no actions. You could plan all you want, whatever you want. However, if there is no implementation, constant empty promises and no execution, then why bother planning things?. I say I want to run a full marathon course in 3 hours over and over again but sitting in the couch eating pizza, drinking for 6 years and doing nothing. I will not be able to run at all. As you said, I wish I could tell my wife that my way is better. It is always she is right and I am wrong in the house. That is why we have been dragging this issue for so long. If I wanted to do things my way, I wouldn't be here venting. I would have finished it long time ago. Did I mention this? When my stepson was 15 or 16 and was supposed to protect his step brother as any step brother would, he bought and gave a THC edible lolly pop to my son and got caught. My son was only 11. My 22 year old stepson takes out my son's friend to smoke pot together in his car. I swallow all these for the sake of the family and love. If I were selfish, that would have been it long ago. I am miserable because I feel helpless in this crappy situation. Things aren't getting any better. I feel trapped. I feel terrible everyday. There are so many times I just wanted to end everything..... [/QUOTE]
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