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<blockquote data-quote="AppleCori" data-source="post: 705007" data-attributes="member: 16024"><p>Something I learned a long time ago-it takes two healthy people to make a good, healthy, happy marriage.</p><p></p><p>We have all heard the saying 'it takes two to tango', and is usually meant to imply that it takes both spouses partaking in the discord, and one can refuse to participate. </p><p></p><p>I have not found this to be true. If one person is doing unhealthy and destructive things, both people are affected. The marriage is affected. Neither person is happy, nor can the marriage be healthy.</p><p></p><p>The other spouse is left floundering for ways to try and fix the other person, and thereby fix the marriage. </p><p></p><p>But we can't fix another person. They have to be an active participant in their own recovery. They have to recognize that they have a problem and they have to want to fix it. </p><p></p><p>If one person is in denial and refuses to get well, the other person has two choices- to stay in the marriage, be miserable, and hope that eventually the spouse will see the light, or push the envelope and give an ultimatum to the spouse. Our marriage or your addiction. Our marriage or your unhealthy relationship with your son (as opposed to a healthy, normal one).</p><p></p><p>It usually takes a bold move to get the attention of the spouse who refuses to change. </p><p></p><p>Long ago, when my adult step-son was living with us, I had told my hubby that I would never put up with his son being disrespectful of me or calling me names. It happened with my previous spouse, and I was never going to allow anyone to talk to me that way ever again. </p><p></p><p>And then, one day during a shouting match between my hubby and his son, it happened. He told his dad that I was a (use your imagination here).</p><p></p><p>I threw down the item I was holding and looked at my hubby and said 'that's it'.</p><p></p><p>I had every intention of getting my daughter and leaving, but my hubby ordered his son out. It took that stand to get us out of the unhealthy pattern hubby had with his adult son. Now we realize how harmful that situation was to all of us, and we will never allow that type of situation to ever happen in our house again. Our marriage is even stronger now.</p><p></p><p>Think about it, and good luck to you.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting.</p><p></p><p>Apple</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AppleCori, post: 705007, member: 16024"] Something I learned a long time ago-it takes two healthy people to make a good, healthy, happy marriage. We have all heard the saying 'it takes two to tango', and is usually meant to imply that it takes both spouses partaking in the discord, and one can refuse to participate. I have not found this to be true. If one person is doing unhealthy and destructive things, both people are affected. The marriage is affected. Neither person is happy, nor can the marriage be healthy. The other spouse is left floundering for ways to try and fix the other person, and thereby fix the marriage. But we can't fix another person. They have to be an active participant in their own recovery. They have to recognize that they have a problem and they have to want to fix it. If one person is in denial and refuses to get well, the other person has two choices- to stay in the marriage, be miserable, and hope that eventually the spouse will see the light, or push the envelope and give an ultimatum to the spouse. Our marriage or your addiction. Our marriage or your unhealthy relationship with your son (as opposed to a healthy, normal one). It usually takes a bold move to get the attention of the spouse who refuses to change. Long ago, when my adult step-son was living with us, I had told my hubby that I would never put up with his son being disrespectful of me or calling me names. It happened with my previous spouse, and I was never going to allow anyone to talk to me that way ever again. And then, one day during a shouting match between my hubby and his son, it happened. He told his dad that I was a (use your imagination here). I threw down the item I was holding and looked at my hubby and said 'that's it'. I had every intention of getting my daughter and leaving, but my hubby ordered his son out. It took that stand to get us out of the unhealthy pattern hubby had with his adult son. Now we realize how harmful that situation was to all of us, and we will never allow that type of situation to ever happen in our house again. Our marriage is even stronger now. Think about it, and good luck to you. Keep posting. Apple [/QUOTE]
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