Newest Difficult Child drama

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Nov 10, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    remember when I said she walked off, quit or just got fired from her second CNA job? Then on her last paycheck, she bought a different phone ($200) and a different plan ($45). Went thru her money and never got serious about finding another job. Then said she was going to baby sit for a single dad, with a 5, 6 and 7 year old. She did that for two weeks and never got paid. Then the dad ended up in hospital. He is back out now, but not able to work...or pay her (never did). Then last weekend, things went from bad to worst.

    The 21yo older brother was the victim of armed robbery at the home where Difficult Child babysat. Luckily she wasn't there when it happened. He had his drugs stolen (pot?) and there was a loud verbal argument and a neighbor called the police. He actually told the police the guy stole his drugs. He was arrested and in jail for several days. Then the guy that robbed him was found and put in jail. When all this happened, the 21yo was suppose to watch the 7 year old, as the 5 and 6 year old was with their bio mom out of town. The dad was out of town with his girlfriend. So guess who watched this child from Friday to Sunday night? Difficult Child.

    Then the dad went back to the hospital for a lung procedure, and his girlfriend still expects Difficult Child to pick up the kids from school! She has no gas in her car. The guy has 8 kids. All except the three youngest are late teens to young adults. No one would watch his child, or pick them up from school. The 21yo has a suspended license. She is afraid if she doesn't pick them up, the school will call CPS and they will go in to foster care. She says the house is over run with fleas and cockroaches. I noticed many bug bites on her arms...

    Now Difficult Child is getting desperate for a job. Kind of. I drove her to pick up two applications. But...some FB friend in another state invited her to stay with him for a month. I don't know if she really knows this guy or not. She says he is a friend of a friend... Supposedly he is coming to our state for Thanksgiving and seeing family, then Difficult Child is to leave with him and go 800 miles away. And then he will drive her back at Christmas time.

    If I say no...she for sure will say yes. She says he says it is easy to find a job there. (For one month?) her car tags will expire at the end of November. It is less that $70. Her car insurance will expire Dec 10. I think this is all an escape to leave behind her situation here. And to her it sounds "fun". She says they (him and his male roommate) have a spare bedroom.

    I see so many red flags... Right now she is sort of living with her dad, my son, but she mostly just couch surfs between friends. She hasn't told her dad yet...and asked me not to say anything til she talks to him. So I said I would wait, if she would talk to him soon.

    I hate this... I did check out his FB page...but can only see his profile pictures. Not regular posts.

  2. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Some days it just feels like things go from bad to worse. The babysitting thing sure had the potential to explode on your daughter. Best she get out of that situation but her latest plans appear a little risky. These kids seem to think 'for the moment' and not with any long-term view.

    You're most likely right - saying no will make her say yes. I hate these 'friend of a friend' things. Ours did the same thing and when she took off and moved 1000 miles away she got a room in a home owned by a drug addict. Some 'friend'.

    I suppose you really don't have any say here and can only hope/pray that things work out for your daughter. I'd make sure I had names, addresses and phone numbers of places she thinks she will be staying at - as a 'just in case'. But on the other hand, maybe she'll have to get a job in order to contribute to her place (I'm sure the roommates will quickly tire of paying her way all the time).

  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I already decided that this guy has to come to our house or her dads house, and I will write down or photograph his car and tag. Plus, nicely ask for his address, in case I need to mail Difficult Child an item... And of course a phone number, since she doesn't have a phone that has service...

    It could all fall thru... Last month she was sure she was going to the Marine Ball, in another state, with a "friend" and wanted me to buy her a new dress... I didn't. And that fell thru. NOt because of the dress, she had a pretty prom dress she could have worn...

    But, this is her way of not applying for jobs and working...

  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The babysitting thing sounds fishy. Is he maybe hitting on your daughter in spite of having a girlfriend? Could she like him? Why would she babysit three kids for no pay? It's not easy.

    Is this child 18 yet because if she is there is nothing you can do. What if you meet this new guy and they give you fake information?

    What a mess. So deeply sorry for all this sad chaos. It is scary that people will move in with "friend of friend from FB" but I suppose it is getting common to do it...take care of YOU. Hugs.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child is friends with his 21yo son (they dated a year ago, but she denies being involved with him now) and she is friends with the mans daughter (age 19) who just found out she is pregnant, and sometimes spends the night at her and her boyfriends place.

    I think Difficult Child likes to feel needed... At first, she seemed like she was part of their family...she would say things like she had to get to the hospital because they were going to make some treatment decision, and they said she was like family. Or, on the youngest son birthday, she was going with them to the school to eat lunch with the youngest. But now she is overwhelmed... Then, when the offer of a free, month long break came up, it was very appealing.

    It's just sad...for Difficult Child, for those three young kids. Difficult Child said the two boys are already on medications for poor behavior at school...

    Difficult Child turned 18 this year. I see on FB she has been hanging out with a different girl the last couple of days. She did say she couldn't spend time at the pregnant friends place, because they were trying to get custody of the boyfriends child, and CPS were observing them, and other adults couldn't be there.

    Ugghh, how does she find all these people? She seems more vested in a new "friend" than her family... KSM
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I feel bad for your daughter, who got stuck in the middle of this family and their myriad of problems.

    Maybe CPS should step in and take the children. It doesn't seem that they are being taken care of properly. Maybe the family will get services that they need and at some point can be reunited.

    It is hard to watch our young adults floundering, with no direction. Sometimes I feel like my step-son is doing better, then something happens and he is right back to square one.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Law of attraction
    Look it up
    It is so true.
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I did look this up, SWOT.

    Very interesting. I didn't know there was a name for this.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I didn't either. Found it by accident. Sort of explains why our troubled kids attract other troubled kids rather than those who are doing different life paths. Applies to adults too!
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    There is a expression in my country that because its hard to translate is simply do not change a hell for another. Better with the hell you know then the one you do not. I do not really agree with calling CPS or whatever as it might do more harm then good especially since in my opinion it will not improve but will deteriorate in this case.
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My daughter and I did not plan to call CPS...but if no one picks them up from school, that could happen. I guess it has happened before... They may have been in foster care before. There are two moms of the Three youngest, and the court has placed physical custody with the dad... That is usually a sign that they are fairly unfit... At least where we live.

  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Not all foster homes are hell. We were very loving to some kids who were living with dangerous parents. We were not the only loving foster parents. If a child is being abused in my opinion it should be reported. Some foster parents are not as good as others. Some do it for the money. And the system is overcrowded. But if a child is not being taken care of and I know that for sure I'd call CPS. Of course there are probably differences in our two countries and foster care. Just as elder care is different.
  13. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Ok how are the kids abused? I see no problem that they are placed with the father but he is unhealthy right now because it happens so its life.
    My question is simple are most foster homes ok or not?
    This is how a system is judged.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I don't know the percentage of good foster homes. Many love and even adopt their foster kids. We did with sonic. He could not have gone home and his birth mother had already not been fit for four others. Drugs. I feel bad for her. She was born into poverty and lack of hope and turned hard to survive a dangerous, depleted, jobless neighborhood. One of Chicago's worst.Eleven rehab tries and no progress. But there is much good in her because DNA speaks and Sonic is an angel on earth. He just had more life chances that she did not. I love her as she is a part of him. And I love him to the core.

    If a child is not being fed, being locked in his room, being beaten or the like that is bad for any child. Our system isn't that good either at vetting. But some kids are much better off without crazed parents.

    A child's relatives are always the first choice and the goal is rehabilitation and reunification.
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2016
  15. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Considering that none of their adult siblings want to even help take care of them and the same with their mothers things will not be good.
    In their case things will not be good. They have it well for now cps will make it worse. I am speaking in the contex of this children. What rehabilitation can there be when you are put together with people with dangerous issues until the reunification.
    There has to be a certain limit crossed for CPS to be called and there far from the limit.
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I am sure there are bad foster homes, but the majority of people who open their homes to children in need are good and decent people. I have know many families who do foster-care services, and have provided letters in support of several people who were going through the process of being certified. They do a difficult job and the compensation is minimal.

    Many of my step-siblings spent time in foster care after they were thankfully taken away from their neglectful parents. My younger step-brother was in the same home from age one to age six, when my step-dad married my mom and made the effort to get some of his kids back. I remember how devestated the poor child was, when he was taken from the only mother he knew....I remember thinking that it was a travesty to keep children in limbo for years until a parent decides to get his/her life together. The bio-mom never bothered to even try to contact the kids or get them back.

    The horror stories about CPS are out there, but they are more often the exception, rather than the rule.
  17. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Its not about the foster parents as much as it is the other children that live there.
    I know most foster parents are good but children still learn to be good and many of these children suffered from abuse that might have had certain reprcussions on their young minds.
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Those other children are going to be in the local public schools and in the community anyway.

    It is not an ideal situation, by any means.

    Sometimes it's just the best option available.
  19. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    That is not a excuse its one thing having them at school only and having them at school and at home. There enough issues with children suffering abuse at school and developing issues because of that lets not double that abuse.
    You have a right to feel and be safe in your home a thing said by many here but children do not?
  20. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I don't want to argue.

    I just wanted to point out that sometimes it is best to get the authorities involved. Most often, the kids are not actually taken away, but the family is monitored and given access to services that they might not otherwise have access to. The government really does not want to take people's kids away, but it is their responsibility to make sure the kids are getting their needs met.

    I didn't say that they OP should call, but that, if her daughter didn't pick up the kids from school (which is not her responsibility) and the school has to take action, it might wake some people up, and the kids may ultimately benefit.