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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678471" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p><em>I have not read everybody else's replies so forgive me if this is repetitive. I would go with my instincts. From what you say this is what you want:</em></p><p></p><p>That son not stay with you.</p><p>To not pay bail.</p><p>To not visit son.</p><p></p><p>I think these are perfectly valid choices. I would not do what I do not want to do. Whether it might be good for son or not. He is a grown up. Another adult like you. It is disrespecting him to treat him as if he is your child. He is your adult son, not your dependent child.</p><p></p><p>All of this is between he and society, the system. There is no way he is not responsible. He can tell every manner of lie <em>to himself or anybody else </em>but he was involved in one way or another in the commission of a crime.</p><p>I worked in prisons over an almost 20 year period. Directly with prisoners. He will do fine. He needs to stay there. There is no way I would ever put money up to bail out somebody who is denying responsibility for any of it <em>if they lived the lifestyles of our difficult children.</em></p><p>No. Absolutely not. You will subject yourself to something that may feel degrading and depressing. I would not do so. Not with his attitude. This is what I mean:</p><p>I would post as much as I can over these next weeks.</p><p></p><p>This has not one thing to do with you. Except that you are related to somebody who is facing prison. There may be the potential for change, if he is able to begin taking responsibility. It has not started on a good foot. He as if ordered you to go the the bail bondsman.</p><p></p><p>As far as the letter: I would not send it. Every single thing in the letter he knows. I would wait for him to call. I would say simply: I will not be getting involved.</p><p></p><p>I knew a prisoner who faced charges that meant he would likely spend the rest of his life in prison. His offense was not that serious. It was the fact it was cumulative. He tried to convince his mother to pay for an attorney. She would not. She went to her Pastor, talked it over with him, and she would not pay. Her son got a sentence of 25 years to life.</p><p></p><p>It was the best thing that ever happened to him. The mother felt she got her son back. The real person. (He used meth). The son agreed. He turned himself around in prison.</p><p></p><p>The reason I would not send the letter is:</p><p></p><p>He knows all of it.</p><p>It will anger him, unnecessarily.</p><p>He may target you.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can say to him that will change things one bit. Only he can change. He knows. We need to accept this.</p><p></p><p>Lastly, it goes without saying but I will say it: You did not deserve this pain. It is not one bit your fault or about you. You know that, but I say it anyway.</p><p></p><p>I am very sorry you and any one of us suffers this way. You are a good mother. A good person. I am sorry. What more is there to say?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678471, member: 18958"] [I]I have not read everybody else's replies so forgive me if this is repetitive. I would go with my instincts. From what you say this is what you want:[/I] That son not stay with you. To not pay bail. To not visit son. I think these are perfectly valid choices. I would not do what I do not want to do. Whether it might be good for son or not. He is a grown up. Another adult like you. It is disrespecting him to treat him as if he is your child. He is your adult son, not your dependent child. All of this is between he and society, the system. There is no way he is not responsible. He can tell every manner of lie [I]to himself or anybody else [/I]but he was involved in one way or another in the commission of a crime. I worked in prisons over an almost 20 year period. Directly with prisoners. He will do fine. He needs to stay there. There is no way I would ever put money up to bail out somebody who is denying responsibility for any of it [I]if they lived the lifestyles of our difficult children.[/I] No. Absolutely not. You will subject yourself to something that may feel degrading and depressing. I would not do so. Not with his attitude. This is what I mean: I would post as much as I can over these next weeks. This has not one thing to do with you. Except that you are related to somebody who is facing prison. There may be the potential for change, if he is able to begin taking responsibility. It has not started on a good foot. He as if ordered you to go the the bail bondsman. As far as the letter: I would not send it. Every single thing in the letter he knows. I would wait for him to call. I would say simply: I will not be getting involved. I knew a prisoner who faced charges that meant he would likely spend the rest of his life in prison. His offense was not that serious. It was the fact it was cumulative. He tried to convince his mother to pay for an attorney. She would not. She went to her Pastor, talked it over with him, and she would not pay. Her son got a sentence of 25 years to life. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. The mother felt she got her son back. The real person. (He used meth). The son agreed. He turned himself around in prison. The reason I would not send the letter is: He knows all of it. It will anger him, unnecessarily. He may target you. There is nothing you can say to him that will change things one bit. Only he can change. He knows. We need to accept this. Lastly, it goes without saying but I will say it: You did not deserve this pain. It is not one bit your fault or about you. You know that, but I say it anyway. I am very sorry you and any one of us suffers this way. You are a good mother. A good person. I am sorry. What more is there to say? COPA [/QUOTE]
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