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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 680359" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hi all, feeling a need to check in to keep sanity and reality in check.</p><p>I’m taking it day by day. It really sucks some days, actually. You know that. I don’t sleep well. Trying to keep it together. Work day by day is my escape!! Thoughts of my son pop unbidden into my mind hundreds of time per day. He called us a while back asking for us to supervise his release. When I said I cannot be involved, he asked to speak to husband. Didn’t work. husband is older, hard of hearing on phone, did not understand everything. Very frustrating. I did put minimum $ on my cell phone account so son could call me from the jail, and I told him I would answer. I did answer two or three times. However, sometimes I just turn off the phone during his designated time, so I will deliberately miss the call, and not be tempted to answer, as there is no benefit really in any conversing. I don’t want to ask questions to seem interested, and can’t give same ole type advice that I know will only anger him, so not much to say, except “<em>must be hard, I know you can work it out.</em>” etc…. I know he is not in touch with anyone else from the jail.</p><p></p><p>On the last call this past Friday night, he wanted me to try to conference in one of his “friends” on the call so he could ask the friend to sign for him to get out. I told him (truthfully) I did not know how to conference a call on my phone. Since then I learned how to do it. But heck no, I will not be a party to him contacting someone else. He has been there in jail a month, almost halfway now to his trial date, at least the date I heard from him, end of March.</p><p></p><p>I’m new to this jail time stuff. During bad times, I envision him just laying around, maybe even sleeping 20 hours a day, as he did at times before for weeks at a time. As he is currently there awaiting trial, I don’t believe there is any assigned work / job for him. On better days, I have hope maybe he is participating in some of the programs that might be available (educational, religious, etc.) or maybe he’s forced into some activity? He has not asked for any money to be put on a store account, and I have not offered. I doubt he has any shoes, as I think they are only issued flip-flops. But guess he doesn't need shoes for anything if not working.</p><p></p><p>I’ve tried to research more about jail process / procedures etc. but feel I am very ignorant about it all, and don’t know what else to look for. The intake person initially assigned to son was helpful in explaining to me about the requirements / responsibilities of supervising release, which definitely validated my determination not to supervise his release.</p><p></p><p>I just wish I could just let all this anxiety go. Really, what am I anxious about? I think my biggest fear now is that he will actually get out of jail and then what? Where to go? Because surely now he has lost his temporary living arrangement and his part-time job he had before this happened. He will likely just get back to the same sketchy friends, as they and that life are all he knows. I personally know of no new way he can start new. I hate thinking about it. I know I have to maintain my stand now on the boundaries I’ve set and that I stopped enabling. I cannot help him. (Even though I really could, and it would be so easy to get back on a right track, I know it would not be helping, I’ve already learned it.) I cannot change and fix. He has to want it and do it, we all know that.</p><p></p><p>I would like him to know that I have not given up on him, and if ever he does take action to come around, there are things I would be willing to do to assist. But this I think is all premature at this point. He is probably getting the idea that I am not there anymore to lean on and rely on, (<em>and this is good, this was the point right? , to get it across that I have stopped enabling )</em> so I cannot put some little bait out there to make him think a part of me still would give more (would just be like enabling again, right?)</p><p></p><p>My ex-daughter in law texted me to ask if I knew how “grands” could reach their dad, as they were asking about him. I only replied that he “could not be reached for a while. Jail.” Now grands will be coming to visit us this weekend, and I’m sure I’ll have to deal with their questions at that time.</p><p></p><p>In some prayerful moments, I think, hope, and give thanks that a miracle change will finally sink in to him, to want a better situation for himself, to want to be happy in his life. I’m even having these wishful thoughts now, as if some miracle change might happen in jail. It still is hard to bear. I know I've done the best I can. I just hurt for his good heart that is / was in there somewhere and for the happy smile I used to see once in a while many, many, years ago. ..... And I also wish I was not such a wimp!! Sheesh! I wish I did not care at all!</p><p></p><p>While I haven’t posted much these last weeks, I am here every day drawing strength, and learning and understanding from everyone’s posting, and sharing your heartaches also with your difficult children. We are all in this together. It is a relief to know others understand and that we are not alone.</p><p></p><p>Mahalo for listening. Tomorrow is a new day. Kalahou</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 680359, member: 19617"] Hi all, feeling a need to check in to keep sanity and reality in check. I’m taking it day by day. It really sucks some days, actually. You know that. I don’t sleep well. Trying to keep it together. Work day by day is my escape!! Thoughts of my son pop unbidden into my mind hundreds of time per day. He called us a while back asking for us to supervise his release. When I said I cannot be involved, he asked to speak to husband. Didn’t work. husband is older, hard of hearing on phone, did not understand everything. Very frustrating. I did put minimum $ on my cell phone account so son could call me from the jail, and I told him I would answer. I did answer two or three times. However, sometimes I just turn off the phone during his designated time, so I will deliberately miss the call, and not be tempted to answer, as there is no benefit really in any conversing. I don’t want to ask questions to seem interested, and can’t give same ole type advice that I know will only anger him, so not much to say, except “[I]must be hard, I know you can work it out.[/I]” etc…. I know he is not in touch with anyone else from the jail. On the last call this past Friday night, he wanted me to try to conference in one of his “friends” on the call so he could ask the friend to sign for him to get out. I told him (truthfully) I did not know how to conference a call on my phone. Since then I learned how to do it. But heck no, I will not be a party to him contacting someone else. He has been there in jail a month, almost halfway now to his trial date, at least the date I heard from him, end of March. I’m new to this jail time stuff. During bad times, I envision him just laying around, maybe even sleeping 20 hours a day, as he did at times before for weeks at a time. As he is currently there awaiting trial, I don’t believe there is any assigned work / job for him. On better days, I have hope maybe he is participating in some of the programs that might be available (educational, religious, etc.) or maybe he’s forced into some activity? He has not asked for any money to be put on a store account, and I have not offered. I doubt he has any shoes, as I think they are only issued flip-flops. But guess he doesn't need shoes for anything if not working. I’ve tried to research more about jail process / procedures etc. but feel I am very ignorant about it all, and don’t know what else to look for. The intake person initially assigned to son was helpful in explaining to me about the requirements / responsibilities of supervising release, which definitely validated my determination not to supervise his release. I just wish I could just let all this anxiety go. Really, what am I anxious about? I think my biggest fear now is that he will actually get out of jail and then what? Where to go? Because surely now he has lost his temporary living arrangement and his part-time job he had before this happened. He will likely just get back to the same sketchy friends, as they and that life are all he knows. I personally know of no new way he can start new. I hate thinking about it. I know I have to maintain my stand now on the boundaries I’ve set and that I stopped enabling. I cannot help him. (Even though I really could, and it would be so easy to get back on a right track, I know it would not be helping, I’ve already learned it.) I cannot change and fix. He has to want it and do it, we all know that. I would like him to know that I have not given up on him, and if ever he does take action to come around, there are things I would be willing to do to assist. But this I think is all premature at this point. He is probably getting the idea that I am not there anymore to lean on and rely on, ([I]and this is good, this was the point right? , to get it across that I have stopped enabling )[/I] so I cannot put some little bait out there to make him think a part of me still would give more (would just be like enabling again, right?) My ex-daughter in law texted me to ask if I knew how “grands” could reach their dad, as they were asking about him. I only replied that he “could not be reached for a while. Jail.” Now grands will be coming to visit us this weekend, and I’m sure I’ll have to deal with their questions at that time. In some prayerful moments, I think, hope, and give thanks that a miracle change will finally sink in to him, to want a better situation for himself, to want to be happy in his life. I’m even having these wishful thoughts now, as if some miracle change might happen in jail. It still is hard to bear. I know I've done the best I can. I just hurt for his good heart that is / was in there somewhere and for the happy smile I used to see once in a while many, many, years ago. ..... And I also wish I was not such a wimp!! Sheesh! I wish I did not care at all! While I haven’t posted much these last weeks, I am here every day drawing strength, and learning and understanding from everyone’s posting, and sharing your heartaches also with your difficult children. We are all in this together. It is a relief to know others understand and that we are not alone. Mahalo for listening. Tomorrow is a new day. Kalahou [/QUOTE]
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