My husband has full custody of his 11 year old son (I'm the wicked stepmother). We do not know if he has mental illness, emotional difficulties, or is just ornery.
His biological mother and her two brothers are severely mentally ill, the brothers are fully disabled with schizophrenia, and his mother was also diagnosed with schizophrenia, but now is diagnosed with bipolar with psychosis. She is Baker Acted about 3 times a year and spends months at a time in psychosis. Currently she is homeless and in psychosis (judging from the phone calls we got a couple weeks ago). My husband has full custody and she has supervised visitation at my husband's discretion. So Son11 might have some of her mental health issues.
My husband got custody of Son11 at age 3 and a half. His biological mother's behavior in the first years of Son11's life was difficult. Several times she fled and Son11 was taken into custody until Dad could retrieve and twice put into foster homes in other states for a couple days until Dad could get there. As an early baby my husband would sometimes have to call the police to remove Son11 from his mother's arms to feed him. Son11 remembers his mom being 'sick' and is afraid of her being sick. He also is very fond of her, even though he sees her maybe six times a year at MacDonalds for an hour or two supervised public visitation. So maybe some of Son11's problems are psychologically or emotionally based.
My husband and I remarried when Son11 was seven. Son11 has a now 8-year old biological sister, Daughter8, of whom my husband got full custody of as well. The last time the children's mother fled with the kids, Daughter 8 was 5 days old, and by the time the children were recovered by the police a week later, Daughter8 had to be hospitalized from neglect. I brought three older boys into the marriage, an 18 year old, a 16 year old, and a 13 year old. The kids all get along very well, however, Son11, although initially enthusiastic about the remarriage, now makes it clear he dislikes his father's remarriage, and he has actively tried to break up the family. So his problems may be that he's just acting out over the remarriage.
We do not know what the problem is. Most likely it is a combination of many factors. Son11's been in some sort of counselling since about age 4, with a year break about a year ago because he hated it, it made him feel different and odd, and it wasn't helping. His diagnoses have been: obsessive compulsion, oppositional defiant disorder, passive-aggressive disorder, schizoid personality disorder (with the disclaimer he could not be officially diagnosed with this until he was 18), attachment disorder, "fragmented, non-sequential and tangential thinking", a right-brain/left-brain diagnosis of something that confuses us, and most frustratingly, he's been diagnosed as having nothing wrong. We've heard he's just immature, or just a square peg in a round hole. These diagnoses have been ruled out: austism, ausperger's syndrome, learning disabilities, and childhood schizophrenia or bi polar disorder.
His personality is: very polite, helpful, bright, conscientious, friendly and responsive. He never talks back, never has a temper tantrum, and is never grouchy or irritable. He seems like such a nice boy, and yet the problems are awful.
The biggest are he's been arrested three times for the felony of bringing a weapon to school: a gun, two knives, and a razor blade. THe school covered up the razor blade. Although there is no tolerance for weapons in school, principal did not expell him or put him in an alternative school. The courts just keep continuing the case. We have no idea what his legal status is actually; did they drop the case? Probably. But they didn't tell us. We don't know. He has a probation officer, but the man after the initial interview, promised he'd be in close contact, never contacted us again.
However, the State Attorney General's Office did send a letter saying that if Son11 got into any further trouble it would be mandatory that he be remanded to a juvenile detention facility. This scares me down to my core. It would be beyond horrible to put an 11 year old into that hell hole. Son11 did go through a diversion program, but it was very unsuitable: he learned all sorts of things he didn't know before, such as huffing (which he doesn't do, no drugs or substance abuse). The probation officer made Son11 read the letter outloud and explained to him that he 'wouldn't last a night there', that he'd be beaten and raped and that the staff couldn't watch him all the time.
The other major problem is Son11 is very interested in promoted himself as 'poor abused little boy'. He repeatedly accused accused us of physical abuse. It started in second grade when he told a lunchroom aid his father put a bump on his head. CPS was called, no bump found, he retracted his story, and then 'remembered' it was me who put the bump on his head (he admitted he wanted his father arrested so my oldest son 14 at the time, would take care of him). He once went to the park and instead of playing, started knocking on strangers doors begging for food and water (although he walked past a drinking fountain), saying his parents were starving him. He once came up with a two hour spiel about how I was mistreating him to include I was poisoning him, I stuck him with pins and needles, stole his bike and homework (he claims he stood in the backyard and watched me do it, although what he descibed having happened couldn't be viewed from the backyard--still he stuck to the story, tears and all), etc... My husband got an emergency family counselling appointment through the school system, and all Son11 could do was complain that he wasn't being allowed to go to Orlando with a new friend whose family we didn't know.
Tonight at dinner he looked unhappy. I asked what was wrong. He said he wasn't hungry but he was afraid Dad would beat him up again if he didn't finish. Dad once said Son11 needed to eat more, he's underweight. I said, Son11, you have never been beat up. You've been smacked a couple times, but you've never been beat up. He just stared at me.
His biological mother and her two brothers are severely mentally ill, the brothers are fully disabled with schizophrenia, and his mother was also diagnosed with schizophrenia, but now is diagnosed with bipolar with psychosis. She is Baker Acted about 3 times a year and spends months at a time in psychosis. Currently she is homeless and in psychosis (judging from the phone calls we got a couple weeks ago). My husband has full custody and she has supervised visitation at my husband's discretion. So Son11 might have some of her mental health issues.
My husband got custody of Son11 at age 3 and a half. His biological mother's behavior in the first years of Son11's life was difficult. Several times she fled and Son11 was taken into custody until Dad could retrieve and twice put into foster homes in other states for a couple days until Dad could get there. As an early baby my husband would sometimes have to call the police to remove Son11 from his mother's arms to feed him. Son11 remembers his mom being 'sick' and is afraid of her being sick. He also is very fond of her, even though he sees her maybe six times a year at MacDonalds for an hour or two supervised public visitation. So maybe some of Son11's problems are psychologically or emotionally based.
My husband and I remarried when Son11 was seven. Son11 has a now 8-year old biological sister, Daughter8, of whom my husband got full custody of as well. The last time the children's mother fled with the kids, Daughter 8 was 5 days old, and by the time the children were recovered by the police a week later, Daughter8 had to be hospitalized from neglect. I brought three older boys into the marriage, an 18 year old, a 16 year old, and a 13 year old. The kids all get along very well, however, Son11, although initially enthusiastic about the remarriage, now makes it clear he dislikes his father's remarriage, and he has actively tried to break up the family. So his problems may be that he's just acting out over the remarriage.
We do not know what the problem is. Most likely it is a combination of many factors. Son11's been in some sort of counselling since about age 4, with a year break about a year ago because he hated it, it made him feel different and odd, and it wasn't helping. His diagnoses have been: obsessive compulsion, oppositional defiant disorder, passive-aggressive disorder, schizoid personality disorder (with the disclaimer he could not be officially diagnosed with this until he was 18), attachment disorder, "fragmented, non-sequential and tangential thinking", a right-brain/left-brain diagnosis of something that confuses us, and most frustratingly, he's been diagnosed as having nothing wrong. We've heard he's just immature, or just a square peg in a round hole. These diagnoses have been ruled out: austism, ausperger's syndrome, learning disabilities, and childhood schizophrenia or bi polar disorder.
His personality is: very polite, helpful, bright, conscientious, friendly and responsive. He never talks back, never has a temper tantrum, and is never grouchy or irritable. He seems like such a nice boy, and yet the problems are awful.
The biggest are he's been arrested three times for the felony of bringing a weapon to school: a gun, two knives, and a razor blade. THe school covered up the razor blade. Although there is no tolerance for weapons in school, principal did not expell him or put him in an alternative school. The courts just keep continuing the case. We have no idea what his legal status is actually; did they drop the case? Probably. But they didn't tell us. We don't know. He has a probation officer, but the man after the initial interview, promised he'd be in close contact, never contacted us again.
However, the State Attorney General's Office did send a letter saying that if Son11 got into any further trouble it would be mandatory that he be remanded to a juvenile detention facility. This scares me down to my core. It would be beyond horrible to put an 11 year old into that hell hole. Son11 did go through a diversion program, but it was very unsuitable: he learned all sorts of things he didn't know before, such as huffing (which he doesn't do, no drugs or substance abuse). The probation officer made Son11 read the letter outloud and explained to him that he 'wouldn't last a night there', that he'd be beaten and raped and that the staff couldn't watch him all the time.
The other major problem is Son11 is very interested in promoted himself as 'poor abused little boy'. He repeatedly accused accused us of physical abuse. It started in second grade when he told a lunchroom aid his father put a bump on his head. CPS was called, no bump found, he retracted his story, and then 'remembered' it was me who put the bump on his head (he admitted he wanted his father arrested so my oldest son 14 at the time, would take care of him). He once went to the park and instead of playing, started knocking on strangers doors begging for food and water (although he walked past a drinking fountain), saying his parents were starving him. He once came up with a two hour spiel about how I was mistreating him to include I was poisoning him, I stuck him with pins and needles, stole his bike and homework (he claims he stood in the backyard and watched me do it, although what he descibed having happened couldn't be viewed from the backyard--still he stuck to the story, tears and all), etc... My husband got an emergency family counselling appointment through the school system, and all Son11 could do was complain that he wasn't being allowed to go to Orlando with a new friend whose family we didn't know.
Tonight at dinner he looked unhappy. I asked what was wrong. He said he wasn't hungry but he was afraid Dad would beat him up again if he didn't finish. Dad once said Son11 needed to eat more, he's underweight. I said, Son11, you have never been beat up. You've been smacked a couple times, but you've never been beat up. He just stared at me.
Maybe you all think Dad should be flamed for smacking him a couple times, but nothing works. Sentences, standing in corners, push up, restrictions, losing privileges, DON'T WORK. The police have explained to Son11 that Dad is allowed to spank him. The probation officer told him that dad is allowed to. And the CPS bulldog that investigated us even said it was okay. Before you flame, please, I'm just being honest. It was something that's been tried because not only are we but so many people are frustrated with him.
There's so much more to the story. Please read it all before you judge. We need help.
Son11 has also taken to complaining about abuse from us to friends, neighbors, my older kids' girlfriends, strangers in the park, and the parents of his friends. My husband and I have gotten cold shoulders all over. On December 5, he told some boy he'd met that afternoon on the next street how his stepmother beat him up. The boy's very young parents put Son11 in a car outside our neighbor's house and refused to release him or take him to the police. We called the police to got Son11 back. Son11's reason for doing this (it's in the police report): he wanted to play more video games. Although Son11 admitted he took the gun and one of the knives to school, when he was caught with the second knife, he said it was 'planted' on him. A few weeks later he got caught with a razor blade, and to divert attention he came up with the story that the night before I, a 170 lb woman, jumped on his back three times, then pulled him up by his hair. CPS was called and the next morning, my husband took him to the CPS physician to be checked for child abuse. Result: nothing. And the doctors were very interested in psychiatric history; more time was spent on that rather than any abuse investigation. The CPS investigation went nowhere.
Son11 has also disappeared from home on a couple of occasions. It's not running away; he's not hiding, he's just vanishing. One night the police found him wandering the streets at about 2 am with his pajamas over his clothes and no shoes. He said he was going to the grocery store (he was not walking in his sleep). We took him home and put a motion sensor alarm on his door. That same night he went out the door window in his bedroom, jumped on the shed roof and disappeared before 6 am and sat in the middle of the park near his school. The police found him about 10 hours later after a huge manhunt with helicopters, a dog, automatic telephone calls, etc...
There are also many other problems. Son11 throws away his shoes. He goes between 20 and 30 pairs of shoes a year, no exaggeration. He lost 4 pairs over Christmas break this year. We now usually check them in and out at night. He will keep them for a couple weeks, then start throwing them out. He also throws out his school uniforms. We have to keep them locked in our room too. For two years running he's thrown away his Halloween costume; this year he threw away his sister's costume too. And her Daddy-Daughter dance dress, and he other nice clothes. He's thrown away her school uniforms too at times, though no recently. He will take and destroy her toys. He also sneaks in the older kids' rooms and takes things.
There are so many other problems: disappearing homework, his disappearing bikes, games with schoolwork (such as inserting nonsense phrases and mean phrases in the body of the text--and claiming someone else did it), lost projects, no school pictures or report cards. He enjoys school, does very well on tests and schoolwork, and is in no way a discipline problem, but still sabotages himself consistently.
He also indulges in some 'weird' behaviors. Standing and staring, even in the dark at night. Sneaking out early in the morning and pretending he'd sat in the backyard all night. Kicking a soccer ball back and forth for hours and hours accross the backyard. Throwing away his toys or breaking them, even toys he likes a lot. Refusing to participate in family activities and when forced to pretending not to enjoy himself even though he is (example: the kids will tell jokes at the table, and he'll turn his head and try to not smile). Cleaning the pool for hours and hours and hours. An inablity to answer questions directly or answer the question asked interspersed with complete truth or a farfetched story. He'll write an essay or a project, then 'disappear' pages of it, pretend he didn't know what happened to them, and have to rewrite them, only to have them disappear again. He once spent about 40 hours on a 3 hour science project and also caused his father's digital camera to disappear to boot. Once he pooped outside for no reason; once he peed in his clothes hamper.
On two occasions that we know about he has self harmed. At day camp last summer, he started hitting his head on the table. The staff couldn't get him to stop, so they put paper under his head. Once he stopped he started to pull the hair out of his arm. Another occasion, when he was suspended for taking the first knife to school, the police came to the door to Baker Act him; apparently in their investigation, they found something that made them think he was an imminent danger to himself. But when they talked to him at home, they changed their minds. Once he claimed he wanted to kill himself (yes he was taken to a therapist immediately). On another occasion, we found a picture he'd drawn that was kind of scary with him holding two knives while his head exploded and while he was jumping on his sister and his dad hung upside down.
On the surface he's a delightful kid. The reality is that every week there's something important missing, broken, not done, lied about. There are so many more things I haven't written about. He's no OVERT discipline problem anywhere, he's friendly, helpful, polite, well behaved, and gentle. But he won't stop throwing away his clothes, shoes, and personal items, sneaking and lying, accusing people of abuse or trying to elicit pity from strangers, or sabotaging himself, or maybe even taking weapons to school. When we seem to stop one game, he starts another--all with an innocent, clueless, bewildered look on his face as he denies it, or a flat, indifferent confession: "Yes I did it, because I wanted to". There's a nonstop stream of passively provocative behavior, punctuated by huge crises that involve CPS, the police or the school.
Thank you for reading this, we are so frustrated and in despair.
We thought we might have found a weekday residential behavior modification program that is close and we can afford. But today was the interview with Son11 and my husband doesn't think he'll be accepted. We are in such despair. We feel so alone. We are sick with stress. Our whole life is distorted and revolves around this boy. And we are failing him, the other kids, ourselves, our marriage.
signed, the Wicked Step Mother
There's so much more to the story. Please read it all before you judge. We need help.
Son11 has also taken to complaining about abuse from us to friends, neighbors, my older kids' girlfriends, strangers in the park, and the parents of his friends. My husband and I have gotten cold shoulders all over. On December 5, he told some boy he'd met that afternoon on the next street how his stepmother beat him up. The boy's very young parents put Son11 in a car outside our neighbor's house and refused to release him or take him to the police. We called the police to got Son11 back. Son11's reason for doing this (it's in the police report): he wanted to play more video games. Although Son11 admitted he took the gun and one of the knives to school, when he was caught with the second knife, he said it was 'planted' on him. A few weeks later he got caught with a razor blade, and to divert attention he came up with the story that the night before I, a 170 lb woman, jumped on his back three times, then pulled him up by his hair. CPS was called and the next morning, my husband took him to the CPS physician to be checked for child abuse. Result: nothing. And the doctors were very interested in psychiatric history; more time was spent on that rather than any abuse investigation. The CPS investigation went nowhere.
Son11 has also disappeared from home on a couple of occasions. It's not running away; he's not hiding, he's just vanishing. One night the police found him wandering the streets at about 2 am with his pajamas over his clothes and no shoes. He said he was going to the grocery store (he was not walking in his sleep). We took him home and put a motion sensor alarm on his door. That same night he went out the door window in his bedroom, jumped on the shed roof and disappeared before 6 am and sat in the middle of the park near his school. The police found him about 10 hours later after a huge manhunt with helicopters, a dog, automatic telephone calls, etc...
There are also many other problems. Son11 throws away his shoes. He goes between 20 and 30 pairs of shoes a year, no exaggeration. He lost 4 pairs over Christmas break this year. We now usually check them in and out at night. He will keep them for a couple weeks, then start throwing them out. He also throws out his school uniforms. We have to keep them locked in our room too. For two years running he's thrown away his Halloween costume; this year he threw away his sister's costume too. And her Daddy-Daughter dance dress, and he other nice clothes. He's thrown away her school uniforms too at times, though no recently. He will take and destroy her toys. He also sneaks in the older kids' rooms and takes things.
There are so many other problems: disappearing homework, his disappearing bikes, games with schoolwork (such as inserting nonsense phrases and mean phrases in the body of the text--and claiming someone else did it), lost projects, no school pictures or report cards. He enjoys school, does very well on tests and schoolwork, and is in no way a discipline problem, but still sabotages himself consistently.
He also indulges in some 'weird' behaviors. Standing and staring, even in the dark at night. Sneaking out early in the morning and pretending he'd sat in the backyard all night. Kicking a soccer ball back and forth for hours and hours accross the backyard. Throwing away his toys or breaking them, even toys he likes a lot. Refusing to participate in family activities and when forced to pretending not to enjoy himself even though he is (example: the kids will tell jokes at the table, and he'll turn his head and try to not smile). Cleaning the pool for hours and hours and hours. An inablity to answer questions directly or answer the question asked interspersed with complete truth or a farfetched story. He'll write an essay or a project, then 'disappear' pages of it, pretend he didn't know what happened to them, and have to rewrite them, only to have them disappear again. He once spent about 40 hours on a 3 hour science project and also caused his father's digital camera to disappear to boot. Once he pooped outside for no reason; once he peed in his clothes hamper.
On two occasions that we know about he has self harmed. At day camp last summer, he started hitting his head on the table. The staff couldn't get him to stop, so they put paper under his head. Once he stopped he started to pull the hair out of his arm. Another occasion, when he was suspended for taking the first knife to school, the police came to the door to Baker Act him; apparently in their investigation, they found something that made them think he was an imminent danger to himself. But when they talked to him at home, they changed their minds. Once he claimed he wanted to kill himself (yes he was taken to a therapist immediately). On another occasion, we found a picture he'd drawn that was kind of scary with him holding two knives while his head exploded and while he was jumping on his sister and his dad hung upside down.
On the surface he's a delightful kid. The reality is that every week there's something important missing, broken, not done, lied about. There are so many more things I haven't written about. He's no OVERT discipline problem anywhere, he's friendly, helpful, polite, well behaved, and gentle. But he won't stop throwing away his clothes, shoes, and personal items, sneaking and lying, accusing people of abuse or trying to elicit pity from strangers, or sabotaging himself, or maybe even taking weapons to school. When we seem to stop one game, he starts another--all with an innocent, clueless, bewildered look on his face as he denies it, or a flat, indifferent confession: "Yes I did it, because I wanted to". There's a nonstop stream of passively provocative behavior, punctuated by huge crises that involve CPS, the police or the school.
Thank you for reading this, we are so frustrated and in despair.
We thought we might have found a weekday residential behavior modification program that is close and we can afford. But today was the interview with Son11 and my husband doesn't think he'll be accepted. We are in such despair. We feel so alone. We are sick with stress. Our whole life is distorted and revolves around this boy. And we are failing him, the other kids, ourselves, our marriage.
signed, the Wicked Step Mother
Right now he doesn't sound like he has a thought disorder. But I would want him in the care of a GOOD Psychiatrist (they are not all created equal) because he is at high risk to develop schizophrenia or bipolar and if that day comes, he will need medication. Perhaps a good Psychiatrist can spot signs before they become obvious and stabilize him before it gets worse. I was told that unmedicated bipolar just causes worse cycling (I have bipolar and am completely unstabale without medications). However, with my medications I live a normal life. It's like diabetes to me. I take my two medications every night and life goes on. I understand waiting to the last for medication, but serious psychiatric problems, based on body chemistry, need treatment just like any medical disorder. Right now, something may be emerging. Schizophrenia and Bipolar can be there when kids are very young, but often develop late and, in the case of schizophrenia, a seemingly "normal" child can almost get sick overnight. Often this is in the teens, but can happen as late as the twenties. Usually there were some signs, not obvious, that were passed up. in my opinion it's best to have the best help in place just in case. A good therapist can augment the treatment. Anyway, no matter what you do, good luck!
