Not sure where to start. I've noticed the stress of her illnesses taking a toll on her this quarter. And I've noticed her stability wavering. Nothing like the downward spiral during her mid teens, thank God, but the kid is on shakey ground. But this is not the lost 14-17 yr old I delt with before either. Nichole came to me a couple of hours ago and said she wants to go back to a psychiatrist and needs medications again. The rage is back. At nothing in particular. If there is a reason for it, she hasn't been able to ever figure it out. But it's back and she's really struggling to control it. However, I did point out to her that once again the rages are only happening at boyfriend's, not here. And that he is her major trigger. Although she will leave when her Dad does something stupid to set her off so that she doesn't lose it. I know I should be proud of her ability to come to me to discuss this. And I most certainly am. But I'm also feeling like I've just been punched in the gut, and fear is knocking at my door. She doesn't want to do county mental health. Now that she's an adult she can go to my psychiatrist, and that's what she wants. He's really good. He'll listen to her even better than her last psychiatrist. It was obvious she's been thinking about it for a while. I recognized the signs. She can't be alone in her own room for any length of time. So she sneaks in Molly or Bruce to sleep with her when the baby is at boyfriend's. I'm guessing the guinea pigs don't offer enough protection. This tells me the hallucinations may have returned. mother in law made husband bring home a painting (family heirloom) he inherited from a great aunt. Nichole completely freaked out. She swears the lady in the painting moves and has begged me to remove it from the livingroom. I know it's really bothering her because since it came into the house yesterday Nichole has spent no time in the livingroom. And mother in law has a enormouse antique painting of a young girl. Really a sweet painting. But Nichole freaked out when I said I may be bringing that home as well because sister in law doesn't want it. She was clearly upset. I asked her what issue she could possibly have with a painting. And she said "Mom, when I was 7 I saw the girl in the painting get up and walk out of it." And when I thought about it, Nichole has never been comfortable in the room mother in law had it in. She always sat near the door, and never stayed in the room longer than necessary. So husband's painting will be moved up to our bedroom tomorrow. And I guess I'll do the same for the other painting if we have to take it. Believe it or not, this explains some unusual behavior during her younger years. And concerns me as well. We talked about boyfriend being her trigger with his own behavior. Not necessarily that he causes the rages, but that he makes them much worse. This is something boyfriend has been working on over the past year. He is difficult child in his own right, and over the years they've been together I've got a much better picture of the environment he grew up in. Mother is severely mentally ill and growing worse with age. Older brother displays same behaviors as the mother and tortured younger brother until he left home. This info is not just from the boyfriend, but from dependable sources within the family. Since I stopped allowing boyfriend in my home over his disrespect and manipulation of Nichole (intentional or not) he has been working hard to change. He has made some progess. But Nichole and I'd both like to see him get into see a good therapist. So far he is resistant. But at least these days he knows he is as difficult child as Nichole is, only for different reasons. I think what grabbed my heart most is that Nichole told me she doesn't feel her bipolar diagnosis is correct. I agree with her. Once her downward spiral stopped there was no cyclic behavior at all, nor was there before the spiral. She wants to look into the possibility of schizophrenia. This is her idea, not mine. Nichole knows the family history. This breaks my heart. I've seen my mother in Nichole for a long time. I did not, and still do not want to believe it. But I told the docs at the psychiatric hospital when she was admitted after Aubrey was born that I worried that was what we were dealing with. We settled for the Borderline (BPD) diagnosis because psychiatrist there felt she was too young to be certain. Plus the depression she was in at the time was mucking up the water, so to speak. There is no depression this time. None. Not one single sign of depression. Just she's fine one minute, and the next she's not. She told me it feels like being 2 different people in the same body. She's held off on telling me some of the stuff she did tonight because she was afraid boyfriend would use a schizo diagnosis against her with Aubrey. She wants help. She can't stand it anymore. Her discription : Most of the time she is Nichole and all is fine, then suddenly she is this other person with nothing but pure rage who wants to hurt anyone near (even physically) and doesn't care at all about the conscequences when this is going on. Nichole is terrified when these episodes happen she is really going to seriously hurt, or even kill someone. Nichole is willing to do whatever it takes. Her only fear of medications is that she'll have to take them forever, and something will happen and she won't be able to get them. And then she'll go off the deep end and lose Aubrey. Never has this child been so open and honest as she was tonight. We're calling my psychiatrist first thing monday for an appointment. What worries me.........Aubrey has not been here for 3 days. I think she's scared to care for her alone. What do I do with this? I remember begging Nichole to open up to me, to tell me what was going on inside her when she was in that downward spiral.......I so wanted her to learn to be pro-active in her own treatment......... I should be relieved that she can see how serious this is and knew to turn for help. But right now my world is crumbling around me and ladies I'm scared to death for her. All her hard work, the more than a year of apparent stability. She has come so d*mn far........and yet, not really because the monster is still there within her rearing it's rage without warning. My heart breaks for her. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd be angry for her. Life is becoming harder and harder each day I wake up. But somehow I've got to find the strength to support her and guide her thru this and I'm just not sure where it's going to come from.