Nichole Update OMG!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Mar 21, 2009.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Not sure where to start. I've noticed the stress of her illnesses taking a toll on her this quarter. And I've noticed her stability wavering. Nothing like the downward spiral during her mid teens, thank God, but the kid is on shakey ground.

    But this is not the lost 14-17 yr old I delt with before either. Nichole came to me a couple of hours ago and said she wants to go back to a psychiatrist and needs medications again.

    The rage is back. At nothing in particular. If there is a reason for it, she hasn't been able to ever figure it out. But it's back and she's really struggling to control it. However, I did point out to her that once again the rages are only happening at boyfriend's, not here. And that he is her major trigger. Although she will leave when her Dad does something stupid to set her off so that she doesn't lose it.

    I know I should be proud of her ability to come to me to discuss this. And I most certainly am. But I'm also feeling like I've just been punched in the gut, and fear is knocking at my door.:(

    She doesn't want to do county mental health. Now that she's an adult she can go to my psychiatrist, and that's what she wants. He's really good. He'll listen to her even better than her last psychiatrist. It was obvious she's been thinking about it for a while.

    I recognized the signs. She can't be alone in her own room for any length of time. So she sneaks in Molly or Bruce to sleep with her when the baby is at boyfriend's. I'm guessing the guinea pigs don't offer enough protection. This tells me the hallucinations may have returned.

    mother in law made husband bring home a painting (family heirloom) he inherited from a great aunt. Nichole completely freaked out. She swears the lady in the painting moves and has begged me to remove it from the livingroom. I know it's really bothering her because since it came into the house yesterday Nichole has spent no time in the livingroom. And mother in law has a enormouse antique painting of a young girl. Really a sweet painting. But Nichole freaked out when I said I may be bringing that home as well because sister in law doesn't want it. She was clearly upset. I asked her what issue she could possibly have with a painting. And she said "Mom, when I was 7 I saw the girl in the painting get up and walk out of it." And when I thought about it, Nichole has never been comfortable in the room mother in law had it in. She always sat near the door, and never stayed in the room longer than necessary.

    So husband's painting will be moved up to our bedroom tomorrow. And I guess I'll do the same for the other painting if we have to take it. Believe it or not, this explains some unusual behavior during her younger years. And concerns me as well.

    We talked about boyfriend being her trigger with his own behavior. Not necessarily that he causes the rages, but that he makes them much worse. This is something boyfriend has been working on over the past year. He is difficult child in his own right, and over the years they've been together I've got a much better picture of the environment he grew up in. Mother is severely mentally ill and growing worse with age. Older brother displays same behaviors as the mother and tortured younger brother until he left home. This info is not just from the boyfriend, but from dependable sources within the family. Since I stopped allowing boyfriend in my home over his disrespect and manipulation of Nichole (intentional or not) he has been working hard to change. He has made some progess. But Nichole and I'd both like to see him get into see a good therapist. So far he is resistant. But at least these days he knows he is as difficult child as Nichole is, only for different reasons.

    I think what grabbed my heart most is that Nichole told me she doesn't feel her bipolar diagnosis is correct. I agree with her. Once her downward spiral stopped there was no cyclic behavior at all, nor was there before the spiral. She wants to look into the possibility of schizophrenia. This is her idea, not mine. Nichole knows the family history.

    This breaks my heart. I've seen my mother in Nichole for a long time. I did not, and still do not want to believe it. But I told the docs at the psychiatric hospital when she was admitted after Aubrey was born that I worried that was what we were dealing with. We settled for the Borderline (BPD) diagnosis because psychiatrist there felt she was too young to be certain. Plus the depression she was in at the time was mucking up the water, so to speak.

    There is no depression this time. None. Not one single sign of depression. Just she's fine one minute, and the next she's not. She told me it feels like being 2 different people in the same body. She's held off on telling me some of the stuff she did tonight because she was afraid boyfriend would use a schizo diagnosis against her with Aubrey.

    She wants help. She can't stand it anymore. Her discription : Most of the time she is Nichole and all is fine, then suddenly she is this other person with nothing but pure rage who wants to hurt anyone near (even physically) and doesn't care at all about the conscequences when this is going on. Nichole is terrified when these episodes happen she is really going to seriously hurt, or even kill someone.

    Nichole is willing to do whatever it takes. Her only fear of medications is that she'll have to take them forever, and something will happen and she won't be able to get them. And then she'll go off the deep end and lose Aubrey.

    Never has this child been so open and honest as she was tonight. We're calling my psychiatrist first thing monday for an appointment. What worries me.........Aubrey has not been here for 3 days. I think she's scared to care for her alone.

    What do I do with this? I remember begging Nichole to open up to me, to tell me what was going on inside her when she was in that downward spiral.......I so wanted her to learn to be pro-active in her own treatment......... I should be relieved that she can see how serious this is and knew to turn for help. But right now my world is crumbling around me and ladies I'm scared to death for her.

    All her hard work, the more than a year of apparent stability. She has come so d*mn far........and yet, not really because the monster is still there within her rearing it's rage without warning. My heart breaks for her. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd be angry for her. Life is becoming harder and harder each day I wake up. But somehow I've got to find the strength to support her and guide her thru this and I'm just not sure where it's going to come from.

  2. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    No words of wisdom, Lisa - but just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you all.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very very sorry. This truly hoovers. Nichole has made such HUGE strides. Coming to you with a plan to get help for this is another HUGE stride though.

    I know you are having Nichole work on a plan to move out in the near future. Or at least I thought you were. With all this going on it may be necessary to NOT have her move out. For her safety and Aubrey's.

    I do think that boyfriend should be told NONE of this. He has shown a strong tendency in the past to use Nichole's mental health problems and other problems against her. Telling him this could mean she faces a custody battle that is totally unnecessary and not in anyone's best interest.

    Sending gentle hugs, my spare rhino suit in case yours is getting a bit worn or needs to go to the cleaners, and all the strength I can spare.
  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry. Sending {{{hugs}}} and all the strength I can. It's a huge positive step that Nicole has felt able to approach you about this and wants to be seen. Her reactions to the paintings are eerily similar to reactions my oldest son, easy child 1, had to certain posters and furniture when he was a preschooler. The other symptoms may or may not be indicative of scz, but being evaluated by a good doctor is definitely the best first step.

    I agree with susie, until things are sorted out it may be better to have her stay close. And her doctor can advise re care for Aubrey, but a boyfriend who uses her health against her will be about the most unhelpful thing possible right now. I also agree that keeping him out of the loop for now would be better for Nicole.

    This is so heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. We're all here for you, Lisa.
  5. Dollhouse

    Dollhouse Guest

    I think it is amazing that your daughter was honest and open about how she was feeling and even RECOGNIZE her symptoms.That is a HUGE plus (& blessing).

    I have no advice; but I want to say I am thinking of you and your daughter.

  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Lisa, I'm so sorry. What a blessing that Nichole can verbalize and describe what's going on. Hopefully that will expedite her treatment.

    Big hugs,
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    When Nichole first starting talking about this last night......My first thought was OMG did I push her too hard by asking her to move by fall quarter??

    But I don't think so. Nichole is genuinely excited about moving out on her own. However, I think it is also a motivator for her to get this under control. Still, she was not planning to move until August. And given the current situation, if she doesnt' seem to be doing better as that approaches we can rethink the move if necessary. I'm not going to push the issue if she can't handle it. We'll find a way to cope.

    I'm not sure how to discribe it, but this is evidently something that remained after the downward spiral because these behavior/symptoms have always been present. This aspect was never truly treated because while psychiatrist at county mental health was good....psychiatrist stubbornly only addressed the depression and mood swings that were occuring with the downward spiral. She also would not listen to Nichole when it came to this other.

    It is the potential for violence that worries me the most. Simply because I've seen the monster many many times. She is truly out of control when raging. I can handle her during rages only because I've grown up surrounded by this and learned to deal with it at a very young age, plus have also been trained to deal with it while working psychiatric. And it still takes huge effort to talk her down out of a rage. I can actually see the shift take place, I see it in her eyes......the same way I've seen it in my mother's eyes my whole life. And this has always scared me. My mother is most certainly a danger to others in this state, as was my mother's father.

    Yet, unlike my mother, Nichole wants treatment. Which can make all the difference for her. That she is willing to open up completely to psychiatrist this time is something that is huge for her. Given the circumstances, I don't think we'll have a problem getting her seen by psychiatrist rather quickly. He doesn't take such things lightly and staff will bend over backward to squeeze her in if there is someway to do so.

    I'm better this afternoon. I'm focusing on the fact that Nichole is reaching out, that she is still being proactive about her illness. And I thank my lucky stars that she does not appear to have the paranoia issue, or if she does, to the point of my mother which is the main reason my Mom refuses treatment.

    This could potentially be so very much worse if Nichole were in denial or refusing to be treated. So I'm detemined to be grateful for what we do have working in our favor and pray that it doesn't change.

    Thank you all for the support. I don't know where I'd be without it.

  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Just a hug Lisa. I know how difficult it is to hear that your child feels so out of control. Tripp has told me before when his "monster" is close to the surface. And I so know that look---that vacant, no one is home look that comes over them during a rage. And the fear that you feel that it will happen when you are not around to talk them down. I've often wondered about Tripp and schizo-affective disorder because it is so prevalent in my family tree---but he is not at this point ready to see anyone and seems to be pretty stable---but I know that it probably won't always be that way---and I hope like Nicole he feels that he can come to me and let me know. I'm proud of her for beginning to take control of her treatment. That is tremendous growth.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. Many hugs, and lots and lots of strength and support.
  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, I know once she sees the Dr. and gets on the right medications, she will feel better, and so will you. She is being very honest about her symptoms, which is wonderful, she'll be her best advocate. She's switching Dr's, and that's good! Once she has the appointment, and things are moving in the right direction, you'll feel better. Monday is soon, I wish I could help you, but sending strength and support! My easy child, he tried to kill himself in Dec. and after he got out of the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he seemed better, but he's a mess now. He lies about it, but I can see, and I'm freaking out inside, so I know how you're feeling, like what the heck is wrong with your child?! I have a feeling he's not taking his medications, and I know he lies to the psychiatrist- but please take comfort in the fact that Nicole is seeking help, answers, and she's telling this to you, her mom.