Echolette
Well-Known Member
You know, for years I pingponged around reacting to the latest event (not to say disaster). I met with teachers, aides, principals, educational specialists, speech therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, I drew up chore charts and contracts. Later I went to court, met with police officers and lawyers. We went to family day at various programs (some in different states). I dropped everything to take him to crisis centers, I cancelled meetings and trips.
And then he got older, moved out (to the street) . And I started detaching. And I've come a long way from my first post here in 2013, when I was contemplating suicide (no plan) to ease the pain. But this process is like the layers of an onion...it just goes on and on. Because it turns out that I thought, if I just detached enough, that he would get better.
so this update post is just to say...he turned 21 yestarday. I didn't see him. He asked to see me to celebrate...and I told him (after thinking for a week if there was any way that I would feel ok about seein him), gently, that I couldn't escape the idea that he had thrown away every gift I ever gave him...real gifts like drumsets, and CD players and gift cards and warm clothes, gifts of love, security, health, education, support. And that I didn't feel like celebrating.
He accepted that.
Later he called my SO and tried to get agreement that it was reasonable to go drinking on his 21st birthday...SO replied, no, sober is sober, you know that.
My ex did see difficult child..said he looks 40, not 20, is overtly manic, has long tangled hair and beard, and smells. Ex excused himself to go cry in the bathroom. I'm sure this is true.
difficult child and his twin sister had no contact on their birthday.
He does call sometimes. He tells me he he is thinking of going to detox, thinking of checking in to a psychiatric hospital, looking for work, living with a friend who is clean and supportive (insert new name here). He found a new place to shower, has a new thereapist, lost or reinstated his SSI or foodstamps.. He says he loves me, asks about lunch, sometimes he tells me he is going to train hop to Florida, or somewhere else warm, and what do I think about that, how do I think he is doing, do I think he is doing well? It is the same conversation it has been since he turned 17 and left home.
So the thing I am struggling with is...acceptance AND detachment. I'm not sure how to get there. I had a lot of trouble with depression this winter, an illness that affected me in my 20's, but evolved into SAD over time, and had been pretty quiet the last few years (once I discovered full spectrum lights). This winter it clocked me, so perhaps my feelings now are colored by the grey land of receding depression.
Still, I find it a new level of difficult to deal with ...no change.
I wanted you all to get an update...I always find that following the trajectory of other people's difficult children can be helpful information to me...part of my overall understanding of what we are all going through.
Hugs and affection to all of you who walk this path with me.
Echo
And then he got older, moved out (to the street) . And I started detaching. And I've come a long way from my first post here in 2013, when I was contemplating suicide (no plan) to ease the pain. But this process is like the layers of an onion...it just goes on and on. Because it turns out that I thought, if I just detached enough, that he would get better.
so this update post is just to say...he turned 21 yestarday. I didn't see him. He asked to see me to celebrate...and I told him (after thinking for a week if there was any way that I would feel ok about seein him), gently, that I couldn't escape the idea that he had thrown away every gift I ever gave him...real gifts like drumsets, and CD players and gift cards and warm clothes, gifts of love, security, health, education, support. And that I didn't feel like celebrating.
He accepted that.
Later he called my SO and tried to get agreement that it was reasonable to go drinking on his 21st birthday...SO replied, no, sober is sober, you know that.
My ex did see difficult child..said he looks 40, not 20, is overtly manic, has long tangled hair and beard, and smells. Ex excused himself to go cry in the bathroom. I'm sure this is true.
difficult child and his twin sister had no contact on their birthday.
He does call sometimes. He tells me he he is thinking of going to detox, thinking of checking in to a psychiatric hospital, looking for work, living with a friend who is clean and supportive (insert new name here). He found a new place to shower, has a new thereapist, lost or reinstated his SSI or foodstamps.. He says he loves me, asks about lunch, sometimes he tells me he is going to train hop to Florida, or somewhere else warm, and what do I think about that, how do I think he is doing, do I think he is doing well? It is the same conversation it has been since he turned 17 and left home.
So the thing I am struggling with is...acceptance AND detachment. I'm not sure how to get there. I had a lot of trouble with depression this winter, an illness that affected me in my 20's, but evolved into SAD over time, and had been pretty quiet the last few years (once I discovered full spectrum lights). This winter it clocked me, so perhaps my feelings now are colored by the grey land of receding depression.
Still, I find it a new level of difficult to deal with ...no change.
I wanted you all to get an update...I always find that following the trajectory of other people's difficult children can be helpful information to me...part of my overall understanding of what we are all going through.
Hugs and affection to all of you who walk this path with me.
Echo