No, Chaosuncontained, I'M a monster...

susiestar

Roll With It
I understand what you mean. Others have been upset/appalled by things I told Wiz, but they were the truth and while I wish they hadn't needed to be said, I don't regret saying them. Years later I learned that sometimes my very blunt words were able to get through. But he is nowhere near as disturbed as your difficult children.

I am sorry that you have a child that your words are true about. given what you say, I sincerely hope that you can protect yourself from her as soon as she turns 18. It won't be safe to let her be around you, not that it is safer now, but it will be even more dangerous when she is an "adult". I am so sorry.
 

Methuselah

New Member
Thanks, Susie. difficult child 1 has already taken a chef's knife to get me in the night. I nipped it the bud by telling her worst fear: if she killed me, everyone will know her truth. Everyone will know she isn't the sweet girl she pretends to be, but that her heart is dark. I would be put out of my misery, so thanks in advance! You, on the other hand, will rot in prison knowing they laid flowers and candles at our doorstep, not for me, but for mother of Screamo and your Father's wife. So choose wisely. All knives have been accounted for since then. But she is clever.

She would never harm me directly, though. That's not her M.O. Promise sexual favors for someone else to do it? Yes. Poison me. Probably. Ive learned not to eat or drink anything she could have has access to, bc she will spit in it, if she does. It will be tough to poison me, but not impossible. (Gah, I hate thinking like this.) We are putting a security camera in our bedroom, bc I've found dirty underwear on my pillow before. I fear she is just wiping her butt on my pillow, so I change the case every night. Gah, I'm so tired of living like this.
 

JJJ

Active Member
She will never understand, because she can't connect her behavior to any consequences in her life or how people feel. It is so freaking bizarre and impossible to parent.

Exactly. When we adopted the little demons out of foster care, we had such high hopes, didn't we? When we were screaming at DCFS to help us when Kanga was at her worst and we needed funding to get her out of our home, a clinical level (about 3 levels above the regular workers) told me that this generation of foster-adopt kids (the ones now 14-20) have far more severe needs than anyone realized when they pushed them all into adoptive homes. So many of them are broken beyond current psychiatrists abilities to repair, and so many of them are homicidal to their families. (We were the 3rd family with a 13 year old girl to meet with her that week -- she was an angel and got all 3 into RTCs.)

You are NOT a monster. You are a normal mother, reacting to abnormal children and daily levels of stress equal to those of a soldier in Vietnam.

How far away is she from 18? Check with your local laws, unless you are in New York you will be able to evict her soon. Since eviction proceedings take time, it may be safer for you to pay her rent somewhere for a month so she 'voluntarily' moves out on her birthday. Then change all the locks and get an alarm system.

Are difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 as bad as Screamo with the violence?
 
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PatriotsGirl

Guest
Hon, I just looked at your signature and holy moly!!!! I can't believe how full your hands are!!

I have said really horrible things to my difficult child, too. She has pushed me to that limit. I always felt bad after for losing my temper, but not by saying what I said if that makes sense. Because always, what I was saying, was true....
 

Malika

Well-Known Member
I would imagine, Methusaleh, that living with your difficult children as they are and have been would cause traumatic stress. If you feel numb or as though you don't feel bad about being so clear-eyed about them, I think that is perhaps why.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Methuselah--

Don't feel bad about not feeling bad. You are SOOO not alone.

I had a meltdown moment myself this weekend. After my daughter said some nasty things about how I am always trying to make her do things my way - I just lost it! I screamed at her:

My way?!? You think this is my way?!? If it had been up to me you'd be in honors classes, at the top of your class and we'd be applying for all kinds of college scholarships and discussing which school would be best and which school might let you spend a semester abroad. But no....here we are

STILL STUCK ON STUPID!!


Not my best moment....

but gee whiz! At what point is it reasonable to expect a 16 year old to change her underwear?????
 
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Methuselah

New Member
Screamo isn't violent. He had moments in the past when he would punched a hole in a wall, but they are past. His heart is good. Same with Slugger. Even if he was violent, I would have hope it would end, because he can hold himself accountable for his bad choices and behaviors and feel badly about it. It's my girls who can't do that.

difficult child 1 is the only one who is aggressive, and it ia all covert. All of it. She never expresses any aggression (or emotion) when you talk to her. She just silently stares, blames others or lies. difficult child 2 isn't aggressive. She is a narcissistic charmer. She cons, steals, lies, and manipulates without any remorse. If she wants something, she has the right or take it. Period. She, like difficult child 1, never changes her behavior, never connects her choices and behaviors to consequences, and never feels ashamed, guilty or remorseful for any of it.

Slugger, difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 are half siblings who share the same birth mom. We have been praying and monitoring Slugger for any signs of abnormalities. We worried when he started puberty that the rush of hormones would trigger something. So far, he is the same kid but with the obnoxiousness kicked up along with the stink level. Needless to say, we are thrilled.


I'm sorry your life has been a challenge, too. My difficult children are very pretty, normal looking kids who con people into thinking they are good and trustworthy. One of my most hated parts of all of this is dealing with the outside world who just don't understand the depth of all of this.
 

Methuselah

New Member
Daisy, when you figure that out let me know. difficult child 1 won't wrap her used pads and tampons, no matter what. :-/

I don't have any respect for how my difficult children treat others and don't then feel badly. Ever. I guess, sadly, I don't like them as people. I'm tired of being the one they blame and malign. I'm tired of policing. I'm tired of all the koi. I don't have any joy with them ever. I'm always on alert waiting for the next attack.
 
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Bunny

Guest
You're not a monster. You were frustrated and let your daughter know exactly how you felt at that moment. I think we've all done that (and heaven knows our difficult children have done that) and I don't think the fact that you don't regret it is a bad thing. It makes her see that even you have an end to your patience. I think that our difficult children think that we should just continue to take all of their stuff and be happy about it. You showed her that that is not the case. Will it change her? No, but if it made you feel better, so be it.
 

buddy

New Member
wow Methuselah, they do sound to me like they could be full blown RADishes I am not a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) expert, but certainly have had to learn due to our attachment issues. especially difficult child 1. I am so sorry. The following is not saying you should look into this. I can hear what you are saying, it is beyond this stage for them... Just sharing info. (boy does the social service system need to be better equipt to help these kids and to screen which ones need specialized therapy and living situations...I was being pushed to adopt twins with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), fire setting in Kindergarten... I declined when they wouldn't include therapy in the adoption agreement...stating, oh you are so capable, once they are in a loving home the problems will disappear)

There are so many professionals who say they can work with attachment, and they maybe think they can. I have gone for intakes and never returned from several. I wont waste my time. I have been warned that it is not only a waste of time to use these people, but they can do harm becasue they get sucked into the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child's manipulations and reinforce them. They get lots of attention for their drama. Well, that must really hurt your feelngs, we will have to talk to mom about that...we can negotiate a contract for that, blah blah. I think they are not really working with true Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids if they can help with play therapy etc. These kids need docs who know they are cunning, sweet at first, wont show their colors until alone with the primary caregivers. If the kids are less full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) they still need a specialist who only works using methods that help to connect the parent and child in some way. I was told to never let them do attachment therapy alone, always with the parent there so there is no triangulation.

An attachment center in DeepHaven MN (I haven't gone but have consulted with one of the directors over the years, he was on a single parent adoption site I belonged to and found out we lived near each other) has intensive day treatment for kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) starting at a very young age. Really far from me. but they also are experts in working with kids who have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and other diagnosis along wtih Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) so I have consulted with them over the years. THey said if we went there, they would not even take my child to the rest room. Everything is designed around teaching the child who their primary caregiver is. I am just sharing for any others here who think they may have these issues early on.... There is hope for many kids, we did find some therapists who were great with us and we still use the methods. Lots of what I do comes from adoption books that discuss attachment. I have not done the holding types of things and they have fallen out of favor anyway.

Deephaven uses a specialized kind of social stories along with very regimented methods of therapy, research based and successful. But they do not cover up the fact that many kids are just very damaged for life. But there is hope. Many can gain enough coping skills to have a productive life, if not one with close attachments.

It has been hard to find therapists close to me. These guys are too far for us to have used them, sadly. I think it was a missed opportunity.

But if anyone is looking for info so they dont waste their time on folks who really dont get it, they are a good start for ideas to look for. Same is true on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) websites.

Family Attachment and Counseling Center
 
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PatriotsGirl

Guest
Daisy, when you figure that out let me know. difficult child 1 won't wrap her used pads and tampons, no matter what. :-/

What is it with these girls?? My difficult child would be the same way when it came to feminine hygeine.....nasty!!
 

Methuselah

New Member
Buddy, with difficult child 1, when my husband leaves town, he is absolutely out of her mind. She never mentions him. It is like he doesn't exist. difficult child 2, on the other hand, always asks when he is going to return, where he went, etc., so I know she has attached a bot to him. I also know she is attached to me. Her mind is totally warped when it comes to things she wants. Whether something tangible or simple attention, she'll do whatever she needs to do to get it. Stealing is her go-to, but she discovered charming and conning people for what she wants rarely ends in a punishment for her, so she utilizes that more and more . :-/

I have read and read, studied and studied with hopes of helping them. The problem is they can't help themselves, because they can't see they have a problem. It is everyone else and never them. The only book that ever really sang to me was a book by George Simon called Character Disturbances. The book read like I wrote my whole experience with them on paper, especially difficult child 1. He also has a web site, manipulative-people.com, that has been a big help to me.

I don't know what to do. No one does. We set hard boundaries and put their truth in front of them. It is up to them to make the decision to do the right thing and grow.

Thanks for the info.
 

buddy

New Member
OH sure. I could tell from your post you had already been thru it all. That is why I posted, I think there is help for some, maybe even lots of folks, so just in case it caught someone's interest

....but there is no denying there are some kids that were just too broken. I am so sorry for the loss of your dreams for her. we can only hope that with further maturity she will at least be able to live a productive life and not hurt anyone. I dont know what you could do either, I think you are doing at this point what you have to do and what is best for her.... just get her to adulthood. I will check out that book, sounds interesting.
 

exhausted

Active Member
I hear this all. Your human and this girl is scary hard. I have one too-we have no authority with her. She almost never is sorry, and everything she does is our fault. Quitting school to get GED (with an IQ through the ceiling), running off and sexually acting out, her past abuses, her self-esteem, stealing. Yep, the word psychpath has been in my mind-manipulative, yep. Sad for us, she is ours biologically-guilt??? I got enough to be Jewish, Catholic and LDS!
Forgive yourself. And by the way I loved what you said-did't phase her a bit, so let it go. There has to be some pay back for this job of raising difficult children-even if it is edgy. Your a good mom.
 
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