No contact 3 months with difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rmccart, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    So this is a follow up to what is the impact thread..... Almost 3 months with little to no contact with difficult child, SO and I have gone our seperate ways ..... so I guess we find out about my mental toughness !!!
  2. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I haven't followed the impact thread, rmcart. But I do know that, when she is ready, difficult child will contact you.

    I'm sorry this is such a lonely time....

  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry rmmcart, sometimes those losses can pile up on us, I recall a time that happened to me too, lots of's tough, but you're in therapy, which is good and you seem open to change, which is also good. Look inside yourself to find those things you are capable of changing if there are any, and change them....... and get clear on exactly what it is you want in a relationship, if that is where you want to go. Learn from your mistakes, heal your heart, gain clarity on your deep desires and be ready for the next adventure........perhaps this is clearing the decks for you to find a whole new life..........
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sorry for all your losses. difficult child knows where to find you. The ball is in her court. Take the time to heal yourself and find a joyful life again. You will get through this. -RM
  5. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    Thanks to everyone for their comments and experiences! Things happen for a reason and personal growth is never comfortable nor quick.When things need to happen they will happen the way they need to. Well thats how I keep my sanity anyways.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Like I suggested before, may be a good idea not to bring anyone in your family into your relationships at all unless you are ready to get married. They don't need to be a part of your dating life.
    Here's hoping your daughter gets in touch with you. If not, here's to your personal growth! Never a bad thing or an easy thing indeed.
  7. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    3 months is quite a long time to have such little contact. I'm sure someone's already suggested it, but would you consider sending a text, very simple, like - "Hi, I was just hoping you'd be interested in meeting for a cup of coffee?" She's probably too proud to reach out first, but she may relent if you just gently keep in touch every few weeks. This way, the door is always open, so to speak. Tread lightly, though.
  8. rmccart

    rmccart New Member

    I do text my daughter, every once in a while I will get a one word response, NO
  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Oh boy.

    Don't know how you feel about this, but I wouldn't give up. Every couple of weeks like clockwork, I'd just send a text, with "Hi" - something vague. Maybe one day, she will answer. This way, you know you've done your best. Simultaneously, I'd just continue on with life and make the best of what's left.
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Rmmcart, I'm sorry that your daughter is still out of touch. I can imagine how much it must hurt.

    I'd like to offer my perspective as a daughter who's been estranged from my parents for many years. I'll preface it by saying: take what you find useful, discard what you don't, and keep in mind that it is my experience and might be only partially (or not at all) applicable to yours.

    Growing up, my parents invested far too much of their emotional well being in me. What I mean by that is, if I was in a bad mood my parents were crushed. If I was in a good mood, they were elated. From a very young age I felt burdened by their emotional ties to me, as if I couldn't have any negative feelings lest it hurt them. So many times when I was going through a rough patch and tried to talk to them about it, I would end up comforting them. What they thought of as closeness was more akin to codependency. I always felt like I was the parent in the relationship -- they were truly helpless, and from a very early age I had to take the lead in situations -- little ones like changing a tire at the side of the road with my father when I was twelve because he couldn't figure out how to do it, to explaining to the ambulance attendants the details of how I hurt myself when I was four (and lying on the front lawn bleeding from a leg wound that nearly required amputation), because my mother was in hysterics and couldn't speak.

    My rift with my parents was caused by a lifetime of hurts, some small, some large, and then an astonishing betrayal and breach of my trust. I have worked very hard with a therapist over many years to better understand and get past my issues, to learn how I contributed to the unhealthy dynamic of my relationship with my parents, and to grow and change. For whatever reason, they have not done any introspection to figure out where and how they might have contributed to the rift, instead assuming that I'm being stubborn and that knowing they still love me is enough to bring me around.

    My parents have been making concerted efforts over the last several months to re-establish contact with me. Although I'm polite to them and take their calls, I find their contact to be intrusive and unwelcome. I don't hate them, don't really have any ill will toward them, but I am no longer comfortable having them as regular fixtures in my life especially given that they want things "the way they used to be" rather than being willing to build a new relationship.

    I agree with the others who've suggested that you work on personal growth. It might even be worth speaking with a therapist, just to explore your side of the situation and figure out how to make yourself better, stronger, faster (sorry...slipped into The Bionic Man for a moment...). Your daughter will come around, or not.

    I also suggest that for now you back way off from any further attempts at contact with your daughter. She knows you love her and want to rebuild a relationship with her, but her current state may be such that your continued attempts at contact are off-putting rather than welcoming. The ball is in her court. Leave it to her to pick it up when she's ready.

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RM said it well. Also, when my son left our family, I found counseling very good at helping me to both understand what happened, why it happened, and to be less dependent on making sure my kids liked me. My son had not come into our family until age six and we loved him like all the other kids, but he couldn't feel that way. He got angry about a bunch of petty things and wouldn't allow us to fix it so we learned to go on without him. I, in particular, have learned to value deeply those who do care about me and my feelings and who display love toward me...maybe I would have taken them for granted if this event had not happened. My son is a very angry person and it's really HIS problem, not mine. It has been six years now and life is good.

    I'm not telling you to give up on your daughter, but at some point she should get over this or else it is really HER personality, HER problem, not yours. Also, I don't recommend pushing her to contact you. I think that just makes things worse. I used to write letters. I found out my son archived all my letters in his computer for chits and giggles. They did not move him one bit and I haven't written anything to him since I found that out.

    I can understand your daughter being upset in the short term. But if you hereafter leave her out of your romantic life, and she never forgives you, doesn't it seem as if the problem is with her? Think back and I'll bet you will see she has been difficult, inflexible, and unreasonable at other times. It's one thing to disagree with your family members. That happens to all of us all of the time. It's another one to NEVER forgive. That takes a special kind of meanness unless an incredible incident of trust was broken.

    Concentrate on the things you love to do...your hobbies, your ways of relaxing, anything. Be kind and interactive with those who you know love you unconditionally. I wish my own mother had loved me as much as you love your daughter. Instead, she didn't like something I did (and it wasn't a big thing either) and she never spoke to me again in a normal way then she disinherited me, which broke my heart. It wasn't the money either. She didn't have much. It was the fact that she was telling me how little I meant to her even from the grave.

    I had to get over that too.

    Go for help so that you can learn to take care of yourself in a healthy way. With or without your daughter, you deserve a good rest of your life. The less you worry or think about her, perhaps the more apt she is to come back, but dwelling on it won't make her do it.

    I wish you the best and understand how it feels to be rejected by a loved one too.