no good deed goes unpunished

[Elsieshaye]

So, difficult child got all the stuff I sent him, and he's trying to put his stereo together. He can't find one of the cables. He left me a vm demanding to find out where I put it. I have no clue - I just dumped everything into boxes and sent it, except for some things that were in a junk box, and his magazines, because I didn't think those were things I needed to pay to send. I sent him a text telling him I didn't know where the cable was. He's now decided I withheld it deliberately to be passive aggressive. He's also calling me by my first name. The good news is, he found a replacement cable, so my dastardly plot was averted. Curses, foiled again.

I'm going to have to make some decisions about how accessible I want to be to him. I'm feeling kind of battered, and it upsets me to hear from him at all. But I don't want to totally cut myself off from contact with him. In case he somehow becomes sane, loses the jerk tendencies, and actually wants to work at a relationship with me again.

Oh, and I found out yesterday that some people living here were feeding him during the week he was "starving and sleeping in a park" (which was actually a laundry room in one of the other buildings in the apartment complex). I know difficult children lie, and I know that he wanted to manipulate me into taking him back and/or giving him money, but it still ticks me off.

Ugh.

 

[FlowerGarden]

I get blamed for losing things, too, and amazingly, a replacement pops up, too! Why can't they ever admit they are wrong????

 

[Elsieshaye]

Why can't they ever admit they are wrong????

Seriously!!!

 

[Signorina]

son of a gun...

I feel for you.

 

[Hound dog]

If it were me? If he couldn't talk to me respectfully using my correct title, I'd hang up the phone. I'd keep hanging it up until he can get it right.

He's not two even though he's acting like it.

((hugs))

 

[DammitJanet]

You evil wench, you kept part A so it couldnt slide into slot B! How on earth could you?

Im never talking to you again!!!!!!

LMAO.

J/K

 

[RN1959]

Oh my gosh....you evil woman !!!! You didn't pay to send him ALL of the pieces...??? Plain evil.....and I have to agree, I would keep the lines of communication open...within limits. Don't allow yourself to be battered.

 

[Signorina]

Next time...

difficult child: "Elsie Where the heck is my Cable?"

YOU: "Well, I'm sure you'll work it out.

difficult child "You deliberately didn't send it"

YOU: "That sounds like an interesting idea"

difficult child " You are passive agressive blah blah blah"

YOU: "I can't hear you. I'm so sorry honey, I am on my way out the door. CLICK"

(T-3 days until my difficult child is coming home, I may have to write the "phrases to detach" on my forearm under my shirt sleeve so I can cheat if I forget)

 

[Star*]

If I may (as a former domestic violence victim) make a suggestion to you?

Since domestic violence is often so missunderstood - when people think of it their minds first flash to a man pummeling a woman without mercy. While this is true; there are many other forms of domestic violence, and in your relationship with your son? It's happening. Just because he moved out doesn't mean that things will stop for you. Just because you hang up the phone when he calls doesn't me it stops for you. See these are a lot of the things that people scoff at, or it makes them angry when others say it, recognize it and well - if I can't talk to you about what I see happening, I'm not much of a friend and may as well just post poo poo, patt patt messages from now on.

There is a reason why GOOD women pick BAD men. I had no clue. I just know that every time I picked a guy? He was a Looser. Then I married one, and had a child. What I didn't know is I picked the king of the Underworld for my x. The man is evil, and few hold a match to his bonfire of torturous and injust behaviors to myself and my son. I say MY son because had he been a man and taken care or cared for our son? I'd share the title gladly- but he was abusive to him as well. So he earns nothing in my eyes. He taught my son to hate me, to be mean and ugly to me, to try to be evil, and abusive to women - and at the tender age of 3,4, and five years old. Filthy words that make men ill to hear. The behaviors? Mock your sons behaviors...The passive aggressiveness, the demanding, the oh woe is me....I'm starving, in a park - Mine? Literally was living in apark and eating out of dumpsters. I can't say I allowed that to happen but when I would get calls like YOU are? I did more than click the phone.......I unplugged it. I changed my email. I made myself unavailable, and I stayed in therapy. The things that helped me were the counseling I had from the Domestic Violence shelter and the therapist telling me - "If that wasn't your son.....and askign me YOU are waiting for HIM to hit rock bottom? When are YOU going to hit rock bottom and walk away from this insanity and allow him to grow up?"

Things like that? Statements like that don't make it easier - hell nothing makes it easier to turn your back on your kid - but on a person who is treating you like THEY are treating us? I don't HAVE to WAIT around and be there with open arms for "whenever" he decides to kiss my or apologize......OMG that could and did take years and years. My ex put me in the hospital so many times I can't count and I can't count the number of times I needed to go and wasn't allowed - and he beat my son, and tortured me -and he messed my kids mind up SO BADLY - I spent 15 years in therapy 2x a week.....and he's been sober in prison for a year - and do you think there is ANY apology from him? FOr ANYTHING - no....there never will be - not to me - not to my son. He doesn't think there is anything to apologize about. He's right. I wouldn't want one now - if he did have one. It's been too long. It was 16 years too long for my son - but he still went looking for one and instead got pummelled not once - but twice by Daddy Disney - you know the guy that wants to be the HERO - and give him things that bad old Mom didn't.

My best advice to you ------get into therapy and find out WHY your brain says "I need to keep a door open for ANYONE that treats me LESS than < I deserve because I AM WORTHY, I AM SPECIAL, I AM UNIQUE, WONDERFUL, AMAZING, SMART, TALENTED, I HAVE A LOT TO OFFER THIS WORLD, and dangit......I am beautiful.....clever, sassy, helpful, and a great MOTHER.......but by ZEUS I will NOT wait around for your mealy mouthed insulting degrading, pathetic, moronic, talk out of both sides of your undeserving kiester until you figure it's okay to stomp on me some more because I WILL NOT TAKE IT - not from ANYONE, NOT FROM MY X, NOT FROM THE GUY AT THE GROCERY, NOT FROM THE WOMAN IN THE STORE, NOT FROM THE HAIR DRESSER< AND CERTAINLY NOT FROM MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD - AMEN.

doesn't mean you have to go off half cocked - but it does mean you HAVE A RIGHT to stand up for yourself and NOT take **** from people while they wipe their feet on your doormat of a psyche anymore!

The only way you can stop that - is to find out WHY you A.L.L.O.W. it to happen in the F.I.R.S.T. place - and apparently you D.O. N.O.T. know ------or YOU wouldn't be taking the poop you are about cables - You'd be looking at dresses in Macy's and Dillards - and going - OH voice mail again - dang it - sorry I missed your call angry boy--------OOOPS I deleted it....but dang you know my address - maybe youll write me a NICE letter? Goes to mail box......Nasty note - RETURN TO SENDER with red marks on nasty words.......that says - NOT ACCEPTABLE LANGUAGE for your MOTHER. TRY AGAIN.

Until then?
He can ------hang out with HIS Daddy Disney -
and rot together -

Doesn't mean you don't love him - on the contrary - YOU have loved him.......he's the one with issues. Now you're showing him HOW he WILL treat at least ONE lady -

 

[DammitJanet]

Good point star...

Found something that works a bit better with Cory but dont advocate it for most people. Its "In his Daughter's eyes". He doesnt want them to see him in anything but the best light so he does his very best to not use bad language around them and to advocate all the good things in life. Doing well in school, going to college, minding your manners. He is a very strict parent. Even stricter than I was. He is good as gold with his kids and loves them to death but he wont allow them to walk on him. I guarantee Keyana and McKenzie wont be cussing him out. at least not where he can hear it...lol

 

[exhausted]

Thank you Star many of us need to hear that. It really made me think about how difficult child goes at me when she is on one. There are all kinds of domestic violence and abuse. Continued verbal assault and belittling is damaging. And yes counseling helps. We just have to realize we are being battered in a different way by our difficult children or whomever.

 

[elizabrary]

I think we are programmed as moms to believe we always have to be there for our kids NO MATTER WHAT. It's just not true, but I have struggled with this myself. When I start thinking my daughter is acting nuts and wondering what I should do about it, if I should put up with it or not, I ask myself one simple question- would I accept this treatment from anyone else? The answer is nearly always no, so I do what I would do with anyone else, which is walk away, hang up the phone and don't answer it when she calls back 12 times in a row, whatever. Sometimes with Kat I have to cut myself off completely from her for a period of time, which is hard because of my granddaughter, but for my own sanity and well-being I cannot have contact with her. She really hates that, but usually gives up after a couple of days. Then in one or two weeks or months she re-establishes contact and is nice and pleasant for awhile, until she loses it again and... But we have to remember that as mothers that does not mean we have to tolerate abusive behavior in any form. Sorry you are going through this. I know how awful it is.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Star, I appreciate your post. And, honestly, for the most part I am going on with my life. Detachment isn't an instant thing, and I'm already in therapy working on it. Just to clarify, I let his call go to voice mail. I've hung up on him in the past when he started speaking disrespectfully and have stopped taking his calls because of the disrespect. I'm not going to be reading or responding to any more of his communications - that was my mistake this time. I'm limiting his opportunities to dump on me as I become aware of them. Doesn't mean I'm not upset and disappointed about the fact that he continues to try, though, and I come here to unload about that.

I just sent him an email telling him I loved him and eventually want a relationship with him again, but for now I'm going to close the door to further contact. I told him I'm open to him if he chooses to turn himself around and do things differently, but I won't accept abuse from him. I said I understood that he's angry with me. But, I told him I'm not his emotional punching bag. I let him know that I was going to shut down both his phone and mine at the end of the billing cycle, but that I'd keep my email address and facebook account, so he could contact me if things change for him (he's filtered out of both, so I don't get assaulted by random ranting. I'm going to get a new phone for myself this week and not give the number to him or his aunt. His texts and unanswered calls can go to the other one until it gets shut down. If he does get himself together at some point in the future and can be respectful, I do want a relationship with him, because he's my son. At this point, he'd need to become a completely different person for that to happen, but I'm not going to say "never speak to me again."

 

[Star*]

Elsie -

I didn't mean - I will never talk to you again. It's not about that. It's actually about how you perceive the world coming at you, and how you make your choices. This is not his choice really, but it sounds like you have already taken some very healthy steps to safeguard yourself physically from his abuse. That is fabulous, and an excellent beginning - I'm always pleased to hear anyone has done things like that because what you are doing is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your life.

Walking away from an abusive spouse is one thing - walking away from a child that you feel sorry for because you either think you did/didn't do enough or was or was not involved in his mental status and how he turned out in being abusive at their age is quite another. Some have a hard time drawing the line in the sand, and I'm glad to see you aren't one of them. I know how hard it was for you to not open the door when he came back to the house and I know how badly that must have hurt you. I'm so sorry for what you're having to live through, and no one can know for sure - well do THIS and it's the RIGHT thing or DO THAT and it's the best thing. It is your knowledge of the entire situation that makes it unique to you - and none of us can know for sure what you are surviving.

But my point is - I don't want you to just survive this. I want you - to overcome it. Lord if detachment were and instant thing? I'd have rocked that bottle! I used to have to picture the girls here - on the board standing behind me with crossed arms, toes tapping and raised eyebrows - kinda like a militia in heels sneering at me (actually throwing daggers) daring me to baby step - backwards just one teentsy little bit. Just the thought of having to come here and post or admit that I backslid I think was worse than dealing with my kid. The fact that you are in therapy (and I'm sorry I didn't know) I'm delighted. I'm not sure what I expected out of my therapy or therapist. I can tell you I thought things would happen like *boom* and that well - THEY (son and x) were the problem and once they were more or less out of the picture MY life would just fall into place. Would have been nice....but I had a lot of issues I didn't know about, didn't want to necessarily deal with, didn't want to admit...Oh my sordid little list goes on and on. Point is ---I just don't want anyone else to EVER feel like they HAVE to accept being less than they are from anyone - beit kid, boss, husband, wife - neighbor (nosey little board member named star) ahem......who sometimes gets over zealous for the right reasons but doesn't come and read as much as she used to.....ugh.

Anyway - Just making sure that you know you're important to me, and the rest of the community here......and the world - and to your son - although while he's got a mad hot case of cranialrectalidis? He doesn't know it. It took me nearly three years to hear an "Im sorry or You're right" out of my own son - but those years were bittersweet for me. The quiet? Almost worse than the yelling some days.....and the odd thing was - the first year? My therapist said I created chaos in my life to REPLACE what I had lost with my son - CRAZY huh? But I did. I missed the adreneline -or the arguing or the nutty house upside down chaotic, madness - it was what I was used to for over 20 years......and then? It was gone - and too peaceful and quiet and even though I thought it was what I wanted, and had begged for it for years? Cried actually - when I got it? I hadn't a clue what to do with myself - so I picked and picked -----and picked - until I got chaos.....and even then wasn't happy. Glad I was in therapy then too. Made myself buggy.

In any event? I'm very glad you're here! Thanks for the opportunity to jump in on your thread and DrFILL it.

Hugs & Love -
STar

 

[Nomad]

Don't know your entire story...it's a necessary consequence of coming here sporadically. BUT, I read this "I'm feeling kind of battered" and I gather from what I've read in your post that your difficult child is not always totally honest, has a tendency toward entitlement and manipulation.
Sounds like detachment is a very good move. Awesome that you are in therapy. This is way tooooo hard.

Anway.... he's 18. Of legal age. But, kind of young.
So, perhaps some LIMITED (and I do mean VERY LIMITED) involvement is appropriate. Sending him his stufff sounds good and healthy, but listening him to complain...not so much. Especially since he is a little on the young side, I would work with his father if appropriate to see if he can get treatment for his substance abuse and other possible mental health issues for the time being. But, no way will I entertain any inappropriate comments, etc. IT's hard as the dickens, but as best as possible, let his comments go in one ear and out the other and if it goes on for more than 30 seconds, make an excuse for why you need to get off the phone PRONTO. Love your idea about limiting your access to a difficult child who i making you feel "kind of battered." Life is too short to feel this way...you know this strongly in your heart. Detachment seems to be both for our difficult children and for us as well.

Sending goood thoughts.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I just sent him an email telling him I loved him and eventually want a relationship with him again, but for now I'm going to close the door to further contact. I told him I'm open to him if he chooses to turn himself around and do things differently, but I won't accept abuse from him. I said I understood that he's angry with me. But, I told him I'm not his emotional punching bag. I let him know that I was going to shut down both his phone and mine at the end of the billing cycle, but that I'd keep my email address and facebook account, so he could contact me if things change for him (he's filtered out of both, so I don't get assaulted by random ranting. I'm going to get a new phone for myself this week and not give the number to him or his aunt. His texts and unanswered calls can go to the other one until it gets shut down. If he does get himself together at some point in the future and can be respectful, I do want a relationship with him, because he's my son. At this point, he'd need to become a completely different person for that to happen, but I'm not going to say "never speak to me again."

Bravo. I think this is excellent.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Star, your DrFILL-ing is helpful and appreciated - thank you for taking the time to think about my situation and make sure I'm ok and taking care of myself.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Thanks, Everyone, for your responses and support. Apparently, in the last 24 hours, I've graduated from being called by my first name in contemptuous, venomous tones to being called a "f***ing c***" because I didn't pack his X-box controller correctly. I didn't listen to the voice mail, but my phone doesn't let me delete unheard vm's so when I started playing it (held 3 feet from my ear so I couldn't hear it), my office mate wanted to listen. Her eyes got HUGE and her jaw dropped, and she just blurted out "OMG - he just called you a f***ing c***!!!" So, I cancelled his cell phone effective immediately and gave his aunt a heads up so she could be prepared for when he demands a cell phone from her. She's not sure what she's going to do. (Insert eyerolling here.) I ordered my new cell phone and should have it Wednesday, so that avenue for reaching me will be permanently cut off.

 

[Nomad]

Perfect!

Makes NO sense for you to pay for a cell phone when he is abusive.
Makes total sense for you to get a new phone (with better deleting abilities) and maybe a new phone number as well!!!!
Hope its a great phone tooooo!
If at all possible...do something extra nice for yourself...manicure, pedicure...you know the drill.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Yep - taking myself out to dinner.