No longer welcome.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Littleboylost, Jun 4, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    This is my first post here and let me start by saying I am grateful to have found this forum.

    We have been through Hell and back again with our 17 (almost) 18 year old son. He began dabbling in pot early on in his teens and it had progressively gotten worse and involved other drugs over time. We tried evry intervention possible. He had a part time job and looked to be straightening out. We soon realized he no longer had a part time job and we suspected he was selling drugs. This was confirmed by a screen shot from a friend of his Instagram account where he was selling pot and cocaine.
    We gave him an ultimatum leave or stop the drugs. He did a runner with the car we reported the car stolen. Police found him and the car returned the keys to us and refused to charge him with theft! He was gone a week called begging to come home we put a contract in place go to school, no drugs, home by 10 pm... the ususal. By day 3 he had breached cerfew and was found with a large sum of pot and again more than personal consumption. We called the police which we told him we would do. They found Cocaine on him as well. Arrested we paid bail same rules in place. He breached in a few days ran again. In a week he called weeping again saying he will change, we picked him up turned him over the the authorities. The courts did not charge him with breach. We refused to act as Surety for bail. A third party youth association for disenfranchised youth stepped up to cover his bail. We allowed him home same rules. I found pot bowl and papers on him but no drugs and I pitched them. Next morning my husband was not sure he had a pulse, was able to wake him. Took him to Dr. He was admitted and held for 24 hours he was acting out, which he does often taking inappropriate temper tantrums. They sedated him and after 24 hours transferred him to a detox and rehab floor. He had THC, amphetamines and Xanax in his system. He checked himself out. This time we said he was not welcome home until he gets the help he needs and can provide us with information that he is clean of all drugs for 30 days.

    We provided him with the numbers of community resources that can help him.

    He went from having a home, cell phone, car privledges to nothing. I pray this turns him around.

    Each time he declares he want to get help and get clean and each time we let him back home he is right back to lying, stealing and using.
    Is there anything we have not tried? Is there any hope he will change?
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2017
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is nothing you havent tried. In fact in my opinion you are way too soft on him. Clean 30 days means nothing. A year maybe or longer. Maybe he lives on his own from now on. I assume you live where at 16 they can be kicked out.

    There is always hope someone will change, because if you lose everything its no fun. My daughter quit after she was told to leave and got nothing from us. Not a car. Not a dime. Yes, I felt guilty and cried for three straight weeks, but she quit, even cigarettes. She became different, walking to and from work in Chicagos cold, paying rent to her very straight, no second chances brother who let her live in his basement, cooking and cleaning for him and his tenants, finding a boyfriend who never even tried hard drugs and had a future. She took out a loan and went to a two year college and her and boyfriend bought a house. She had my fabulous granddsughter snd is now a typical stay at home mom at 34.
    They never party. We are very close.

    At age 19, twelve or so years ago we made her leave with no promise of allowing her to ever come back. She left with nothing because we hoped she would hate drug life enough to quit.

    That is exactly what happened. "Using drugs was too hard." She dropped all her drug addict friends. She was in another state.

    So it can happen. But in my opinion they quit once we have the courage to step out and stop enabling them. Yes, it is our natural urge to nurture and help, but in drug addiction, unlike other ilnesses, it doesnt work. Drugs change the brain and no matter how nice they used to be, addiction lets them steal from those who love them, lie, break our hearts, put themselves in constant danger etc. And they can abuse us sometimes. My daughter never did, but many do.

    So what works for a person with cancer doesnt work for addicts. They need to lose it all...that seems to often trigger a positive change. At least for those who have quit on this forum.

    I hope this helped and wish you courage, love and light.
     
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2017
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you it does indeed help. Especially when people tell us we are abandoning our son when he needs us the most. We feel like we have done the right thing to let him find his way and choose to continue with the drug life or straighten himself out.
     
  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. You have done everything and more than a reasonable person has done. When going through some of this heart ache with our son, we found that if we do the same thing over and over, nothing changes...its just same old spin cycle. Having him live at home with you is not good for him and its not good for the family. Change the dial from spin cycle to heavy load....this is on him..he needs to want to change, stay clean. Having him come back home is just enabling him and keeping him from the rock bottom he needs to find. Friends and family can say what they want...no one knows what hell this is like until you walk through it. Hugs
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you for this. It is important to hear words of encouragement an support. He has done this last episode of acting out just as I am preparing the funeral for my mother.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dont listen to "other people," They have never been through this. They dont have a clue. Tell them ' i would rather not discuss it."
     
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  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    So sorry about your mother, and the added stress because of your son. I think you have given him enough chances. Get to the bottom of why he uses drugs. Does he do it because of his friends, or because he has severe emotional problems he is trying to block out, such as depression, PTSD, etc. Was he close to his grandma? Do you think his recent behavior got worse because of her death? Since he was hospitalized, the psychiatrist should have picked up on any emotional problems.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    No emotional problems identified no psychiatric issues identified. Although he used his grandmothers death as an excuse to use he was welcome to visit her with us and come th her funeral and did not see her before she passed nor did he come to her funeral. He is at the point where any excuse is an excuse to use.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That is typical drug addiction. Often kids use drugs because they are insecure and their peers do it. Biggest reason. And once its a habit, its very hard to quit. Period.

    I think that their often saying its for depression or anxiety, two extremely common problems, is a ploy for our sympathy and not why they use drugs. Makes no sense because there are legal drugs that actually help both common disorders and our adult kids refuse to get traditional help. Meth will help? They know better. If they really wanted treatment, they would get proper treatment.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 4, 2017
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    That is exactly it!
     
  11. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Sorry for what you are dealing with. You can't control his choices. With children like this, their endless cycle of bad decisions can become an obsession for us. It makes us forget that we have our own lives to live and that we are entitled to peace and serenity regardless of our adult children's struggles or choices. If you haven't sought out Al-Anon and/or Codependents Anonymous, I highly suggest that you do so. These groups have been very helpful for me. I am a fixer too, and I learned I cannot fix anyone but myself.

    I hope your son finds his path and becomes a productive, healthy and happy citizen. It will happen on his timeline, not yours. Same is true for my difficult stepson.

    Best to you.
     
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  12. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Little. You've gone over and above, especially with the bail. The fact that he only complies (you think) for a few days...Time for something new. I hurt for you, this is so unbelievably difficult. Even at his young age he needs to take some responsibility for the issue. It really helped me to think that I didn't want to still be "in this" 10 yrs. from now. Your life is valuable also, your home should be a place of peace. You are not choosing yourself OVER him but you can choose to let him take responsibility for his own mistakes. That's how we all learn, isn't it?
    No truer words ever spoken! Hold tight, you're stronger than you think. Prayers
     
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome and glad you found us.

    Yes I agree you have done everything you can do. Chance after chance after chance. We did that too.

    I'm glad I am reading this. My son is in sober living (again) and keeps asking to come home to go to college. I keep saying no. Been there/done that. We will help him do it as long as he stays in sober living far away from us. He just did not grow when he was home. I refuse to go backwards.

    He is my tormentor. When he asks me this it hurts so bad but then I think about everything we have been through (you can see some in my signature) then I realize that I'm crazy for even contemplating this.

    Last year we hit rock bottom. We finally told our son rehab or move out. He had no where to go so he chose rehab (after many inpatient, outpatient, therapists, counselors, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists -- you name it. I did it.) After rehab his dad drove him to Florida for sober living. He's bounced around there a bit this past year.

    He had come home after rehab a few times before and after a few months was back at alcohol and drugs. Not around me and not in my home ever again. He has now been sober since April 10. That is great but I need some years in there and even then he cannot live at home. There is no longer any trust. He is 21 but thinks much younger and always wants to take the easy way out. Not anymore. Of course we love him very much and that is WHY we are making him do this. Not waiting around until he "is ready".
     
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  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is so meaningful to have this support. Thank you. I woke at 4 am as I often do with a panic attack. Worrying where he is. Your comments help me stay strong and not go back to the ground hog day cycle of enabling him. He will be 18 in October he got 1 credit this year at high school. In the eyes of the law he will be an adult at 18. In Canada we can ask them to leave home at 16. Neither he nor we ever thought we would get to this point. I pray he finds his way to help.
     
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  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I wake up most nights lately and worry and think. Especially when he asks to come home.

    I have found that if I keep counting 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 over and over I fall back asleep. It somehow clears my thoughts. I tried the sheep thing and other things but this is very effective for me.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    For how long does he want to come home? He is 21. Do you want him on your couch or to be paying his rent at 31? That would be bad for you and him.

    You are doing right. At 21 most adult kuds are moving out. They want independence. If they dont, there is often the wish to stay young and do what they want on your dime. Including using drugs.

    I feel young adults like these often say"college" just to get a ride home or money or brownie points. Its like when they say "I have depression so I use meth." They want to make us feel soft towards them and help them. College, depression, no food...trigger words for us, often untrue. Usually untrue.

    College requires discipline that these adults dont have. Get sober first.

    Jmo.
     
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  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes yes you are right. Thank you. Sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards in my brain. I see my therapist tonight.

    He can go to college there if he's sober. Or not. Sober first or he can't do anything. He has a sponsor and is going to church and the gym and looking for a job so hope this is the path he stays on or he's on his own.
     
  18. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I am sorry for your pain! It is a difficult journey and the stories are all so similar. I get a lot of strength from everyone here. Even though deep down I know the answers, actually following through with it is so difficult. Some days are strong, others not so and the pain is sometimes overwhelming. I think you have tried everything you can and are a great mum!! xx
     
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you as I sit and read this I let my son back home Saturday. It has been a time full of turmoil. I pray for strength to walk away from conflict and love and not enable him. He still will not recognize his addiction even after his arrest, his recent OD and continuous pot smoking. (blames us). We know he will not pass his court mandated drug test. We were hoping he would recognize his need for help his time. His Addiction couselor, school support workers and bail coordinator have organized and intervention tomorrow at 2 pm. I need to find a way to manage the anxiety he has caused me and my husband. Not a great day for me. I love my son but hate his addiction. I pray for the courage to love and not enable him.
     
  20. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    He has managed to go to school and is attempting to salvage some of the 3 credits he was attempting to get. So far no drugs at home but no change in attitude. We enrolled him in an alternative program next year to help him get the last remains crdits he will need to complete his grade 12. It is an excellent program but requires dedication I am not certain I see in him.