No medications plus tobacco policy = walk home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by katya02, Oct 31, 2008.

  1. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    difficult child told me yesterday he's stopped all his medications; decided they just make him fat and he doesn't need them. Um, it's the several heaping bowls of cereal daily that put the weight on, but ...

    So he's back to his usual irritable self. Although I can't say I want him to stay on Depakote just to sedate the irritability out of him - he was really sedated, blunted, and not functional the two weeks he was on it. Within 24 hours of stopping his 'normal' personality reappeared. I'd rather he deal with his ways of thinking that get him into trouble, and with his anger issues, than just sedate him until he walks around like a zombie.

    He got angry yesterday over two things. First, he wanted me to drive him 40 miles to my hairdresser for a haircut. His hair looks awful right now, all uneven and scruffy and over his ears. I agreed but said he could pay the $15 for the haircut and I would pay the gas. Bargain! No, he got mad and said I was nickel and diming him. When you spent $200 on Wow this month, I told him, you can certainly afford $15 for a haircut. So he decided not to get his hair cut!

    He got angry again when I told him the new tobacco policy in the house: smoking/chewing/whatever ONLY outside, in designated areas, and all tobacco products (whether butts or spit or chew gob) ONLY in the designated container, which he is responsible to change as necessary. All tobacco stays in one drawer on the main floor until taken outside to be used. He said that since we aren't 'keeping up our end' (he found a bottle of wine hidden in husband's den - our oldest son came home for a night and we shared a bottle of wine, there's nothing else in the house before or since) then he doesn't have to abide by his end of any agreement, and we're not treating him like an adult. Nope, I said, it's our house and we can say where tobacco can be. If you move in with a friend, the friend will get to say where tobacco can be because it's his place, it's not an issue about being an 'adult' or not.

    We had to make the policy because difficult child's carpet was stained with tobacco spit (!) when we got the carpets cleaned recently, he leaves butts all over the landscaping and gardens, and he has ignored my previous requests to keep all tobacco in a drawer on the main floor and never to chew in his room. The consequence is, first violation we remove his laptop for 2 days; second violation, a week; third violation, we remove it for good. This is the worst thing for him because he plays Wow for hours every day.

    We were in the car when I told him, and when I stopped to make a left turn into the parking lot (I was taking him to counseling) he got out of the car and left his door wide open. I couldn't reach it; had to put the car in park and get out, run around the vehicle, close the door, and run back, all in the middle of traffic.

    So I drove home and left him there to walk home (four miles).

    His counselor told him it's time to move out and gave him info on some local housing for people with mental illness and/or SA issues. He was very subdued last night.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    LOL! I hope you asked the counselor for a copy of the list!

    husband is a WoWer as well, and I have no idea of how much money he spends on it. I know it's not $200 a month! It's supposed to come out of his pocket, but the monthly fee has been showing up on the credit card and that starts a fight every month. It's a total waste of human life, if you ask me. When he plays it he's exhausted, anti-social, fat from eating junk and lack of exercise. I'd have it all out of my house if I could, but the best I can do is keep him busy so that he's not immersed in it all of the time. It feels a lot like being his mom...

    I hope your difficult child will get the message. The therapist is right, it's time to go. Doesn't he want a girlfriend? Girls don't go for guys who live with mom and play WoW all day! Not to mention the gross chewing stuff! EWWW!
  3. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Heh - yes, I do have a copy of the info. husband knows about this housing because he sees residents in the ER. He just says, 'difficult child won't like it.' It's shared, of course, so difficult child would have to learn to get along ...

    I know Wow only costs about $15/month if they buy it three months at a time. They have to pay more to put their character onto new servers, however. Beyond that, all I can think of is he's going on a ton of different servers or he's actually buying game 'money' .... I could never imagine anyone doing something as dumb as this yet difficult child may be doing it. I can 'see' his accounts online because I'm joint on them, so I see all the payments. difficult child has figured out how to set up a paypal account for himself; he has skills for what he wants to do. Just not for steady work. :(

    The chewing thing is GROSS, gross, gross. Disgusting. He spits into empty pop cans (we NEVER put down a partially empty can and walk away at our house, for fear of picking up the wrong one when we come back) or plastic bottles, but there are also stains on his WALLS and on the carpet. He looks us in the eye and swears he doesn't know where they came from. And I'll walk into his room after forbidding him to chew inside and he'll have a big gross spit bottle sitting beside his gaming chair on the carpet. Hence the new policy. Do you want to take bets on how long it'll take for me to have to confiscate his laptop? A day? Hours? Minutes???
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'll give the laptop 1 hour, 3 minutes (most tobacco addicts need a fix hourly).

    I love that you left him there. Hey, maybe the 4 mile walk will help him lose some of the weight he doesn't like. And you gotta love a therapist who lays it on the line. I will say that sometimes having our kids get a serious dose of reality like not living at home can makes them so much more appreciative of us parents. Sure did with my daughter. She almost treats me like I'm human.

    You're doing a super job of not only detaching but making rules that are livable. Your explanation about moving in with a friend and house rules was excellent. I'm definitely going to have to remember that one if my daughter ever decides to move back in, which I doubt is going to happen, thank goodness.

    Anyway, Way To Go. You have definitely surpassed Detachment 101 and could give us lessons.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Good for you. The rule in my car is you behave with decency and respect or you get out and walk. All of mine have walked at one time or another.

    As far as your tobacco rule, it is your home. If he chooses not to live by the house rules, he needs to find somewhere else to live. When you make adult choices, you must be willing to be an adult. And adults respect the people they live with.