No More Strength for This

[Bugsy]

I can't stop crying. I don't know how long I can do this. Every day is a struggle and new problems keep coming.

I dread being with my son every day. I love him, I can't stand him, I feel for him, I resent him and I just think what if he never was.

Things seemed to be getting better for a few months. Then things went terribly downhill. I pulled him out of school temporarily(a private jewish school) and home schooled him for few weeks. When I sent him back I thought he was doing better. The teachers reported some positive things for the first week now I received 2 e-mails this week how he is not funcitoning at all.

In the mean time the school said we do not qualify for any finacial aid so I do not see how I can send my daughter (easy child) back next year. She will be devastated. The public schools here are so over crowded. I can't imagine sending her to a middle school with 1,800 kids compared to their k-8 school with 150 students. I called the public middle school and when I said to the guidance counselor that I wanted to know about the school, the gifted program and how they handle bullying. He responded, "I don't want to paint a picture of doom and gloom but we have over 1700 students, if your child is bullied we will try to address it but..."

I am trying to come up with next years tuition and now will have to find money to hire a shadow for him to finish out this year. We have NO money and do nothing for ourselves and yet we do not quailfy for aid. I don't get it.

I don't get why he is the way he is. I don't understand what we should do. There are no schools that can really understand his needs. The special needs schools here are only for Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD. And forget the public schools.

It boils down to:
*every day is a struggle to be with him
*we are going broke
*we have no life
*we have no options for either child
*kids really do not want to be with him (either do we)
*medications medications and more medications that are not helping enough to make him function


Why?????

I just can't stop crying, asking why and how will we survive this? or won't we?
I send my children to a religious school and can't even believe that there is a G-D above. How can there be?
I hate the word hope but PLEASE tell me there is hope.

 

[klmno]

Bugsy- I'm so sorry you are feeling this way and going through this. I can through out ideas- based on the desperation I hear (read) in your post, but it really sounds like you need to try to find a way to spend a little time relaxing- I know that sounds absurd, but take a bubble baath or retire to your bed early and try. Second, something obviously isn't working well with difficult child in this school- you can look at medications (even if it means another psychiatrist's opinion), IEP, maybe this school isn't right for him. There might be other options for assistance (financially)- I'm not the one to ask about how to get them, but it appears that there might be some help from religious affiliations you have. It sounds like just speaking with a counselor and getting some of this off your chest might help relieve some of your stress.

I know I'm probably not making you feel any better at all- Sorry- you deserve many (((HUGS)))

I'm going through similar desparate feelings with my difficult child- just try hard to focus on the things you have control over, make the best decisions you can, and push the rest out of your mind.

I wish I knew more to say to help you-

 

[jannie]

Hugs to you....I can't believe the school can not give you any more financial aid. !!!I'm surprised they can't give at least the same amount as last year.

What are the doctors saying about difficult child..weren't you in the process of trialing something new?

Will the school allow him to continue without a shadow? Maybe you should consider a modified day. Keep him there through lunch and then take him home...or maybe rather than home, go to an indoor pool for an open swim time to let him burn off some energy.

I don't know what to say about next year. Are you sure the public schools are so bad?? You live in a good area...maybe it's worth a try. Perhaps consider visiting your difficult child neighborhood school...Honestly, there are more and more challenging kids in public school...which is good and bad, but I do think that teachers are becoming better equipt to handle the challenging ones. Who knows...maybe you can go to public school and spend your money on a good advocate who can help to get 1:1 supports. Maybe just your older one can attend the private school....

I tried to send you a pm, but it would allow me...please give me a call...my house is actually quiet now !!

 

[Jena]

i picked up my laptop while i was crying too adn thinking similar thoughts as well the resentment for us is hard it builds up adn we don't even realize it. the lack of enjoyment in our own lives is hard and we don't even realize how sheltered we feel from truly living until we take a moment.

so all i can say is you have to keep the hope you just have to. it's crucial. you can have moments just like i do every single day of feeling this incredible desperation and crying alot. i'Tourette's Syndrome normal you work so hard to help them, to care for them, and want improvement when we want it not when it's supposed to happen.

i keep thinking to myself as of late each time a new problem arises and it often feels like every day there is a new dramatic and upsetting occurence that i have to breath, just breath just as you have to.

and allow yourself to totally fall apart cry scream rant rave do it all let it out. it in no way i believe and have learned compromises the level of strength that you have. i think it actualy increases it to be honest. you allow yourself to empty out and so you can begin anew again tomorrow.

although right now it feels hopeless and you feel confused it will get better, it will.

take out some baby picture's look at them remember the uncomplicated moments that's what i've been doing lately. not about all the struggles just the simple moments. get some sleep tonight and approach it tomorrow. dont' worry tonight just let tonight be about you for a change.

many hugs to you you aren't alone there is hope

jen

 

[meowbunny]

I know you don't like the idea of public school for your son, but they do have a lot of resources that would not be available at a religious school and you wouldn't have to pay for them. It might be worth considering and then, maybe, you could still keep you daughter at the school.

I had my daughter in a private school for first and second grade. It was a huge mistake. While they tried to help her, the teachers just didn't have the training and the school certainly did not have the resources. Public school really was much better for her even with overcrowding.

As for you, you really need to find some time for you. Our kids are draining to say the least. However, we can't help them, we can't be parents to our other kids, we can't be good spouses, we can't even be decent friends if we're not taking care of ourselves. Even if it's just 15 minutes a day, find time for just you. During that time, no thinking of the kids or the house or whatever, use it for you. To sit and read or sew, to walk around the block, to enjoy a garden. Just do something for you. It really will make a world of difference.

 

[4sumrzn]

Oh my....you just brought tears to my eyes. I'm going to start from the bottom of your post & go up....a religious school. I went to one all through grade school & if there was any way financially that I could have figured out a way for easy child to attend from the beginning, I would have done it (I wasn't going to ask family or take out a loan). SO, with that being said....I think it is wonderful you have chosen to go with private school & know there is hope, along with G-D above (and this is coming from one that is no longer considered religious because we do not make it to church, do not send our kids to private school...but still believe). You are doing what you believe is the best when it comes to education.

It boils down to:
*every day is a struggle to be with him *I'm with you
*we are going broke *I'm with you
*we have no life *I'm with you
*we have no options for either child *I feel I don't sometimes for difficult child
*kids really do not want to be with him (either do we) *I'm with you
*medications medications and more medications that are not helping enough to make him function *I've been back & forth on the medications

"I don't get why he is the way he is. I don't understand what we should do. There are no schools that can really understand his needs. The special needs schools here are only for Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD. And forget the public schools." That's an every day question for me.... I don't get why 'she' is the way she is ". And, public schools "might" be an option for you. I have not crossed the path with the school yet, but fully expect it. Not quite sure why it's just "Learning Disability (LD)/ADHD" where you are? It shouldn't matter, JMO.

I 'm going to just throw out here...

my easy child is a wonderful, smart, gifted young man that is going through teenage years & that comes with "stuff". BUT, I will admit, the boy has been through WAY more than a child should ever have to when it comes to living life with a difficult child. I feel he's been robbed of certain things. BUT, he has also learned that this is our life, we need to do the best we can with what has been given to us. Good days & bad. I know a school change...losing friends every day....overwhelming big adjustment, could be rough, but may take a bit of stress off easy child in a different way (been there). Just throwing that out because we tend to forget sometimes that easy child's are what they are......."normal" in my eyes

"I dread being with my son every day. I love him, I can't stand him, I feel for him, I resent him and I just think what if he never was. " I'm with you. It's a battle most days. It's so very hard when we don't know how to "fix" things. I would give up SO MUCH for my difficult child if I just had the faintest idea how to "fix" her. I can't "give up" anything, because I have no clue. I just have to give & that's all I can do. I believe that's what we all do. If we had the magic, we would perform it. He's here & you love him.

"I can't stop crying. I don't know how long I can do this. Every day is a struggle and new problems keep coming." I don't cry as much because I realized my difficult child tends to like it for some reason!? But, I also know you are a wonderful Mommy & will do this as long as it takes to make it better. That's what we do right?

It always takes me forever to reply, getting up & down for this and that. Sorry for all the typos. But, I hope I didn't make my book too long here...I just wanted to let you know that I understand, many others do too.
{{{HUGS}}}

 

[Wiped Out]

I believe there is always hope even when it doesn't seem so. There are days when it is easy to resent my difficult child especially after a violent day or one where is rudeness is especially bad. I try to remind myself how much his mental illness stinks for him, how he didn't ask to be this way (not an excuse but it helps me with perspective). I also try really hard to take care of me. As others have said it is so important. It can be hard but you have to find some time for you. Many gentle hugs.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm with you! Hugs from CA!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Aw bugsy. I am so sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

Sending hugs and hope.

 

[nvts]

Hey Kiddo! I know how you feel. Listen I have a question:

Does he have an IEP?

Here's the reason I ask. And I don't want to "fuel the fire" and get your hopes up. But if this is truly the right environment, and there is some sort of professional documentation that he will cease to function properly in a different environment (ie: the public school) there are ways to try and get funding from the Public School Department of Education for the tuition at the school as well as a paraprofessional to shadow him.

Do you have any free Education or Childrens Advocates where you are? If you don't know, do a web-search "Child Advocates, type your states name here".

These authorizations are few and far between, but it's worth a shot.

You could also look around the Spec. Ed forum and see what you can find out there!

Beth

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry you are hurting so.

Is it at all possible to put your son in the public school and then put your daughter back in her private school? Could the local synagogue help with funding? I don't know much about your faith, but I do know that local Catholic churches often help with tuition when a family needs it. With the medical issues, maybe the Rabbi would have some sway?

Also, we looked at a LOT of schools when we lived back east. The religious schools simply did not have the staff, or the training, to deal with our son's issues. Our daughter, no problem. But they simply are NOT prepared to handle kids with serious problems. And they are not required to. IEPs are mostly mandatory for schools receiving federal help, and many of hte smaller schools we looked at were not.

Is it an option to put your son in a public school and do his religious education at home or at the Temple?

Maybe this would help, as the school would be required to pay for a shadow, not able to require you to pay for one.

Just thoughts. I know this is very hard.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[Bugsy]

Thank you so much for so many responses. I generally do not cry but last night was a LOOONG one. In fact my eyes burned this morning.

Anyway, I will try to answer some of the responses. He does not have an IEP. I never went the public school route. Mainly because I have been a special needs teacher and consultant for years and know the fight I would have to go through and in this town the schools are so over crowded. This area is so transiant that there is very little consistency at the public schools. That would be awful for my son.
I spoke with a Special Education attorney in the past regarding what the district can provide for a private school situation. She said that I would spend more money on an attorney and time it would be far less to pay a quality school.

As far as the school's ability to meet his needs, they do haev the resources but it takes money. They have a special education room and knowledge but it is a small school and rely on tuition but a lot of fund raising.
I spoke with their school today to see what we could work out. They are willing to try to
work with us but who knows what that will mean.

Right now I was persuasive regarding my daughter because the middle school is very new and currently grade 6-8 only has 25 students. Only a few kids from the current 5th grade class are planning on going next year so it seems to make good business sense to want my gifted daughter to sit in a seat. Let's hope I was persuasive enough and the director can persuade the committee enough.

Again thanks for the support and suggestions.
Bugsy's mom

 

[nvts]

Bugsy: I don't want to be a pain in the backside, but have you spoken to an Advocate? North Carolina has quite a few on the net and you can get free advice!

Whether or not you go the Public School route, you may STILL be eligible for certain funding. Exhaust all of your options. That's all I'm saying.

Beth

 

[Bugsy]

Beth,
thanks. I am going to look into it. i am trying to figure out anyway to get funding.

 

[tryinghard]

All I can tell you is that I understand how you feel...hang in there an keep adovcating for your difficult child! Did you read the article that was posted "Invisible Mothers"...

If you haven't..please do. That is what we all are....

We are WONDERFUL mothers!

 

[daralex]

I don't want to make this a religious thing - but I just have to add that we went through something very similar with my difficult child. We also had her in a private Jewish school and eventually had to pull her out because we couldn't afford it. But here's the kicker - Judaic principles are based on helping thy neighbor and giving to charity. This was my arguement when they said we had to pay full price - shame on them for turning a blind eye - it is against everything we believe to NOT help your neighbor. Shame on them!
As far as public school I'm not a big fan - but it is possible to make this work. difficult child is young enough that the process will not be as grueling as you think. If this is the option you're left with cry a lot, get lots of sleep, and prepare for a battle. It may be up-hill at first, but you need to make the system work for both of your kids.
I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with - kind of behind a rock and a hard place. It seems like a never ending battle - but at some point there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep strong, embrace the good cry, and give yourself a pat on the back for being a strong caring mother. Senind big ((HUGS))
-Dara

 

[totoro]

Bugsy~
I tried to PM you... your PM is no enabled...

 

[TerryJ2]

I hear you. And agree with-so much of what you said. Some days things go well and I get my (false) hopes up. That means that when the other shoe drops, it seems to make it that much worse.
I can't find your bio so I don't know what else your son has. Can you post his diagnosis?
You really, really need time for yourself. It helps immensly. A bona fide vacation is the best, but lacking that, a trip to the book store or coffee shop, or even 5 min. in the bathroom with-the door locked is a lifesaver.

 

[Bugsy]

Thanks so much for the support. I am fortunate that I do have time to myself while he is in school and yet it does not help right now. Each day is over flowing with worry, doctor calls, pharmacy visits, blood draws, school calls and e-mails, and running like crazy to get every necessary task chore done before my son is home from school. Once he is home...AAAHHHHAHHAHHH!

last night we had to go to a wedding for someone my husband works with. I was all dressed up (which NEVER happens) and I must say with my weight loss I looked good. I wore a hot looking low cut black cocktail dress and was ready to party.

But I have to say, once I was there and full of worry that my son was difficult for my mom I really just could not wait for it to be over. In fact, I found the ceremony made me sad. The concept of a wonderful life together and children, joy, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Then as I met people and they shared fun stories about there children I just wanted to leave. I put on a happy face, made lots of people laugh and looked pretty on my husband's arm. All good for business but inside I was sad that our life is beyond s-cky.

It seems there has to be a light at the end of this tunnel but darn it is pitch black now and the tunnel seems never ending.

 

[tycjcj]

I feel what you're feeling but you have to be strong! I posted "Invisible Mothers". Would you please read it? I find it very comforting when I am feeling down. My life is far from perfect as I have my days too when I feel there is no one to turn to and i don't know what to do. Tears fall from my eyes too as I try to smile through the pain but then i find the strength to stand again. I often wonder if there is anyone in my small hometown that understands what it is like to raise a special needs child. i can't take a bubble bath because there is someone knocking on the bathroom door saying _________hit me or _______won't give me my book back or _______stole my car or something! I can't talk to a friend on the phone because _____will come and tell me to get off the phone or you're always on the phone you don't care about me or I'm hungry or why didn't you buy me this or that or I want to go get a game or something. Can't sit down to watch a movie because it isn't what he wants to watch so he makes it impossible for me to see it by yelling or arguing and throwing a temper tantrum through it all because I didn't choose to change the channel. Heaven forbid I not let him listen to the music he wants to listen to in the car because the sky falls and hits hiim on the head! But through it all I remember that it is all worthwhile. We are building cathedrals! The work of our busy hands that no one else sees is a masterpiece in someone's eyes! Our children love us more than we know they just don't know how to express that love. hang in there and be the best mother you can be, afterall you're the only mother your children willl ever have. be an example for them to follow. Show them love so they can learn how to love. Show them peace so they can learn to appreciate it. Show them patience and understanding. Teach them kindness so they can learn to be kind. Give them hope and teach them strength to change what they can and learn to live with what they can't change. They are only ours for a little while and then they are grown and life takes them away. i know it is hard but you are strong enough to endure this. IT IS NOT THE WEIGHT OF THE LOAD THAT BRINGS US DOWN IT IS THE WAY WE CHOSE TO CARRY THE LOAD! Hang in there. You are not alone. Many of us feel the same way but we can't give up because if we do who will they have?