No Respite......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Jun 25, 2016.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    On the night after spreading hubs ashes, chaos reared its ugly head once again.
    There seems to be no boundary to the drama. One would think losing a parent would be a wake up call.
    It isn't.
    One would think after the preparation to honor hubs wishes, a beautiful day of memories and song, prayers and releasing into crystal blue waters, that would be a time for peace and respect.

    The one word that comes to mind is.....ghetto.

    We had a wonderful gathering of friends and family. Although I am missing hubs tremendously, a kind of peaceful feeling washed over me as his ashes drifted in the current of the ocean he so loved.
    His friends took me out after for a few beers and stories of working and growing up with hubs. His best buddy from the old days had traveled and slept in his car the night before. Invited him to spend the night in sons room.
    Needless to say, he was treated to the harsh reality we have lived with for years.
    Came home to find that Tornado, Volcano and their friends had set up a barbecue, which turned into a drinking fest.
    Not good.
    Made them take it elsewhere.
    Got our friend settled and was dozing off, then heard yelling and a commotion in the distance. Really?
    Jumped out of bed and went outside to check it out. Long story short, Volcano had turned psycho and was trying to hit Tornado, she was able to get away, he hit someone who tried to step in, then a bigger guy cracked him upside his head.
    I feel like I am in a Jerry F-ing Springer nightmare. No, I am in a Jerry Springer nightmare. There is nothing that stops these idiots from the 50 shades of stupid they live. Nothing.
    So, Volcano is now in the hospital with his jaw wired shut, Tornado is hanging around the house and I am giving her till Monday to get to a shelter. Cops were called and she would not press charges. Go figure. I am not going to live like this. The cop who came started talking to me about looking after my grands. Yes, they are innocent victims, but we have been that route and it didn't work.
    Found out they lost their temporary housing due to violating the rules, moved in with a friend and got the boot there after Volcano caused trouble with this friends neighbor. How can these people keep burning every bridge, wrecking every chance they get? Now Tornado has this cockamamie plan to move to Oregan and get completely away from Volcano "Cause if I stay here, I'll just end up back with him..."
    Woman, how the heck are you going to do that with no money??????? Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!

    I have enough on my plate grieving hubs passing and raising my boy. I haven't begun to pick up the pieces and figure my future out, still waiting to find out about finances, etc.

    Complete and utter insanity. WTF???? If I am able to maintain my sanity, it is a miracle.
    How bloody embarrassing. Hubs friend got up early and hightailed it outta here. Wish I could have grabbed boy and gone with him......
    I am disgusted with the lot.
    God give me the strength to carry on.
    I have gone from despair to righteous F-ing indignation.
    How dare they?
    I will talk with Tornado and explain again to her that I cannot have her here. She needs to go to a DV shelter. I have no man here now to step in and protect us. Her choices will not affect the peace I so need in this time of my life.
    Re-reading this post, I can't believe it myself.

    Not having it.
    Beyond ridiculous.
    Looney toons.
    Thanks for "hearing" me out.
    Needed to vent.
    Only CD warriors would understand.......
    What a crazy, messed up world these people are living in.
    No decency or respect.
    How dare they?

    Just want some peace and respite.

    Mad, disgusted Leafy
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  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh, Leafy. Oh, Leafy. I sit here slack-jawed. I have no words. Truly, how dare they?!

    If they are like my son, they have any excuse. They won't be pushed around, or everyone knows not to do this / say that else they explode or blah blah blah.

    Can they not even just put it aside for a father's funeral?!

    Leafy, I am glad Tornado is leaving. I am glad you have the strength to insist on the peace and respect you deserve, at all times, but especially now. I am sorry you have to tap those reserves, when you should be the one nurtured right now.

    In spite of all of this, Leafy, it sounds like such a lovely service. Your description brought tears to my eyes.

    Many hugs to you today, dear Leafy.
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  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much Albie. Maybe one day I will have time to really process all of this, but now, I have to pick myself up and put on my warrior garb.
    Such nonsense and craziness.
    Yes the excuses are there but unacceptable.

    It was a beautiful day until the hurricane hit.

    Dear hubs is at peace and I am left to soldier on.

    Sound the trumpet.
    Beat the drum.
    Turn up the rock music full blast and fight the fight.

    Damn bloody kids.......
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  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Leafy.
    It's not fair. It's not right.
    But sometimes we have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    No Bueno
  6. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    oh Leafy, i am so sorry!! good for you for doing boundaries!
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Leafy. I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing.
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    I'm so sorry New Leaf. And I am thankful for your righteous Indignation. Hang onto that and let it fuel you.

    Nothing is sacred with DCs. There is no "set themselves aside" for an hour, a day, a week...because they cannot and they will not. They are #1 and until they see differently, there will be no peace with them.

    I don't know about you but I have no desire to be around anybody like that, even my own kids. And I think that is a reasonable boundary. You sure don't need this right now.

    Take care of YOU and your son, New leaf. You have every right to that. I am still so sorry about the loss of your husband. Warm hugs.
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  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Leafy, you have a way with words, I was laughing and almost in tears at the same time reading your post...Jerry Springer and Ghetto. As usual, we have this vision, image of how an event we planned will be- only to have it become like you said Jerry Springer reality show. I am so sorry that it turned out the way it did. I have had those days with my Difficult Child..looked forward to long holiday week-end only to get 40 calls non stop of ghetto drama. Sigh.

    Is it possible financially for you to put Tornado and kids on a bus and send them to Oregon where she wants to be live? I almost wonder if it wouldn't be worth it. Fresh start for her and you- and she is away from Volcano. Like you said- you don't have hubby there with you anymore to intercede and protect you. Just a thought.
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  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    After that BBQ, Leafy might indeed want to put Tornado in a bus and send her under the sea to Oregon.:D
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  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    One foot may soon be where the sun don't shine. Someone needs a good whooping and a swift kick in the butt out the door.
    An MJ song comes to mind-----Just Beat It!
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  12. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Oh Leaf ~ Aloha,
    So sorry to hear of this continuing drama. You surely should not have to be dealing with this. (none of us should have to be dealing with the “ghetto” stuff of our DCs) ~ Firstly, it’s so good to hear from you again. And you sound a bit like getting back to your old self.
    I can surely picture hubs’ service in a mind trip. I was that side a couple weeks ago ~ the long stretches of ocean and surf so crystal, bright and gorgeous. How wonderful to send off hubs’ ashes into the forever constant and ever changing tides and depths and currents … I know the event and remembrance brings some closure and peace for you. Bless.
    Kudos for you taking a strong stand with Tornado, firm that she cannot stay with you. Is she serious about the Oregon possibility? or is it a "fly by night" whim? In fact, it may do Tornado well to leave the island, if she really is seeing the light to leave Volcano, and would be committed to give it a try for a long enough time. Why Oregon? Does she know someone there? Then again, it could be “iffy” … I’ve seen others take off for mainland “attempts” (LV, Cali … ) only to come home within the year, back to the “same ole” again. Has she been to mainland before? … so different there and in the Northwest very gray days - no sun for months – cold.
    Right on, TIta. Ikaika. Onipa’a! You know we are with you and understand. Sending thoughts and prayers ~ just a rainbow away…. Take care ~ Kalahou
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    Last edited: Jun 25, 2016
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    She's in Hawaii. :) Bus isn't a very good option.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wow. I am so sorry. So very sorry.

    Honestly, some of the adult kids at various times have the common sense and empathy of rocks.

    Leafy, at this hard time, in my opinion do whatever you have to do to have peace. Hugs and good thoughts to you.
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  15. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi, New Leaf.

    I am so sorry to learn all of this. That your husband passed and that you have to deal with all this other stuff.

    Hoping you can report back soon with better news so you can heal without the chaos.

    How like Difficult Kids to make it all about them. It is always all about them.

    Hope you stay close. I have been a bit lax with logging in and miss the support.

    We are here for you.

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  16. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Oye, guess not.
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  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    This is where my D H says I need to get to, Leafy. You are right where you need to be. Wrong or right, what is happening is happening.

    If you stand strong now, you will not have to crawl along the ground before you remember how to stand up.

    This is excellent thinking, New Leaf.

    The excuses are what make it hard for us to know what to do. If you draw a firm line now, you will not be victimized in future. Either way, this is a time of change.

    So good to hear from you, Leafy. And I am fiercely glad that you are angry, and are not allowing the children to victimize you.

    Their choice. Your response.

  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh my gosh Leafy!

    What a horrible picture you painted for us. I am so sorry that you have to endure this and pray for peace for you! You so deserve it.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi All,
    Down from the mountain for a little break. I am up behind the house wielding a big machete and chopping the heck out of the jungle. It is cathartic.
    Aloha Kalahou, yes, bit by bit. I have my moments, but am determined to swim through the strong currents that wash over me.
    It was a beautiful clear day. There is some closure, hubs is finally at rest. I have much to do to settle myself and move forward, but my son and Hoku are a big help. We are all comforting one another. I am glad that I have my three kids who are doing well, to counteract the other two.
    At this point, everything is fly by night. They have been flying by the seat of their pants for a long time now. Hopefully one day, Tornado will have some kind of plan, but it seems for now they move from one disaster to the next.
    Mahalo nui for your kind thoughts and support Tita. You malama pono, too. I hope all is well with you.
    Perfectly put, Swot. I agree.
    Thank you SS. You stay close as well. I have a huge job cut out for me with just about everything, finances, house repairs, land clearing, sorting through hubs "treasures" (he was hoarding a lot of stuff, multiple tools, never wanted to throw anything away or "recycle it") So will sometimes be a bit lax myself. I am always thinking of my CD friends.
    You know Cedar, it is what it is. I just shake my head now and say "How typical". I let that drive me towards not putting up with it. It really disgusts me.

    Thanks, sister. You know, if they think I am a beyotch, I don't give a #*&@. That is where I am right now. Whatever. I do not need their crap, or accept it. It is their crap. I didn't raise them that way, gave them a pretty good life, yes, made some mistakes but nothing to warrant their crap oozing up over into my life.

    It was horrible. But so typical. That sort of thing just makes me detach even more, RN.
    I love them, but want nothing to do with them. I don't like them, hate their choices, and have absolutely no control.
    It's weird because I am on my toes and on my best behavior around my mom.
    These guys keep pulling out the worst stuff, at my home, in front of my whopped jaw and protruding eyeballs, don't even attempt to hide it. I think I would be doing them a disservice by putting up with it. So, I won't. If they want to live this way, it is on them. I want no part of it. Period.

    Thanks all for your support and understanding.
    Going back up the mountain to chop trees and pick axe weeds.
    :warriorsmiley: (replace sword with machete)

    Stinky, sweaty, mad, determined
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