Nobody wants to put their child in a group home

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by AlParedes, Sep 14, 2010.

  1. AlParedes

    AlParedes Guest

    EXCEPT ME! and I feel horrible and disgusted with myself.
    I literally don't have a clue what to do next. My daughter has just returned home after a three day stint on the run. She is only 15 years old and dreams of become a stripper/ groupie in Vegas witch she attempted to run away to already a few months ago. The police intercepted thank god or she would probably be dead by now. daughter has been in Juvenile hall 5 separate occasions in this last year from conduct, probabtion violations, assalt on her grandmother (whom I could almost see throwing in a bush myself) (im just saying the lady is MEAN) for trying to take her cell phone as punishment and now the latest. She has a warrant out for her in the state we just left for a home robbery with friends which all just caught up to her.
    daughter finds a way to stay grounded or in trouble daily by way of stealing constantly and lying in for frequently. Not a word she utter is of complete truth but some from of manipulations. Our entire family has changed their phone numbers so she cannot call them having already all been used, disrepected and then disgarded.

    Three days ago she crushed my hand to darn near deformation trying to pry her cell phone charger out of my hand. She has called me the C word ( and I mean I never...) and is making my remarriage a divorce, something I know she would like since she hates her new step-mother, Someone who I can find no fault with thus far but has now run out of patience and they completely stay away from each other.

    I want to run far far away which is silly but I cannot take any more. I feel like a crazy person crying all day trying to figure out what new approach I can take. Be more stern....less to her like a friend....Keep the authoritative approach.
    Her therapist says to me.... "good luck" shes a tough cooke and put her on abilify on her first visit with the Psyc which she refuses to take and makes her hostility come in waves instead of one continuous stagnant tornado.

    I dont know what else to do and Im so glad I could vent here, Im accepting any and all advice.

    Im starting to dislike my child and that just dosent feel right, please what can i do to get through to her?????:whiteflag:
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Welcome! I completely understand- sometimes we are looking at two options only and those are Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or inevitable incarceration. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the better option. Can you get her into one? I tried with my son but failed- so now he is spending the majority of his teen years incarcerated.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Your feelings are very understandable and have probably been shared by a lot of us here in this forum. Your daughter needs help and it sounds like things are such that you can't give it to her. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because for whatever reason (maybe her defiance and her age) she just can't take it from you. So she needs to be in a place where she can get help and from someone other than you. I agree getting her into some kind of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or therapeutic boarding school would be ideal.... they tend to be expensive and i don't know what your resrouces are. If that is not an option is there someone in the juvenile court system or department of youth services than can help. I know in some states they can provide some good advice and the court can help intervene.

    Good luck.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi and welcome.

    ive been there myself it's a mixed up feeling loving your child yet disliking them at the same time. she does sound rough. yet i had a real rough run with-my easy child and now we are in calm waters approaching 18. what have you tried at home? it's hard when their older to contain them and control them.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! I have 389 days until mine turns 18 and then she is out on her bum. Mine has been on prozac for the past couple of weeks and it has been great up until yesterday. We had a bad one yesterday and I never felt so much dislike for a person. I had to leave a court mandated class because I was so mad I was going to literally put my fist down her throat she was being so disrespectful. I feel for you. I really do. Since she ahs been in juvie five times, won't the judge try something else??
  6. AlParedes

    AlParedes Guest

    I have hear of how expensive the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is but i had a co-worker whose child was ordered their by the state and i believe they paid for it. I looked into a few myself and they sounded like a great opportunity for her. I just spoke with her probation office and she said that she cant move forward with any suggestions until I turn her in on her warrant, in CALIFORNIA...sigh I am in Arizona now and the warrant didnt exsist before we left. Turning her in was not what i wanted to do and everyone says to me "well they wont come get her here so just never go back" and " I could never turn my child in even if she had a warrant...":mad: If i tried to drive her back (can't afford to fly right now) she'd just run away before I got her there. I feel so stuck.

    Im sorry Incarceration what the choice your son made as a way of life as well, but i hope things are a little calmer for you knowing he is safe sort of... I always worry when she is in juvie that I will get a phone call for someone assulting her or worse because she has such a mouth on her and cannot back down for any reason. So nice to have met you ladies.
  7. Bean

    Bean Member


    I understand. Completely.

    I wanted my daughter in tx SO badly from the time she was about your kid's age until... wait. She's 19 and I'd still love to see her in treatment. Or the Army. :)

    Unfortunately, unless your kid gets somehow caught up in the system, there's not much hope of such thing. I made so many calls when my daughter was young, and never got anywhere at all. They said she needs an IEP and she needs to have gotten in trouble for something. Nevermind that she was using drugs, skipping school (truant) and engaging in extremely risky behaviors. At 17 we called the police when she hit her dad. They waive 17-year-olds to adult court.

    Not good.

    So my advice - if she EVER lays a hand on you guys, steals from you, comes home drunk/high - call the police and have her charged. Get your kid involved in the JUVENILE system. Don't wait until they're older. Hindsight, I would have called way back when she wailed on me or dad as a kid, instead of waiting until she was 17. Courts don't know how to deal with kids waived as adults here.
  8. AlParedes

    AlParedes Guest

    It seems nothing I do seems to work. Grounding her is usually what leads to her trying to run away and taking away her prized possession her Ipod results in the police being called every single time. When punished in any way she becomes hostile and begins screaming in my face what a horrible mother I am and so thats why she has to be disrespectful. I usually give up when she goes to her room slamming the doors and tearing down closet doors and cursing me. I have no control over her because their is nothing she cares about. I was told she has Aspergers and I believe it, but there is much more than that I think. She has been disrespectful since she was three and I would get calls from pre-school about her defiance no matter the punishment. A teacher once told me it seem like she became possessed by the devil when required to do anything and she is the same way to this day. If i asked her to wash her dishes she will after a few hours of continuous asking, she usually will distract herself and pretend like she dosent hear me. When i get fed up and stand there insisting she does them she slams them and breaks at least one. We need more cups. I have been told im soft. I try not to raise my voice until I cannot take it anymore and she has never had a spanking. I always tried to talk to her and then restrict or ground but she will not learn and does not care to hear anything I say unless it is about a band. I have read CD and ODD and feel like she fall somewhere in between these characterstics on a daily basis. She is un-capable of the telling the truth. I watched her lie to the police about where she was when she ran away at first saying she stayed at her friend house...a boy. when they asked which school she goes to she said he wasnt in school which then of course they wanted his name. She made it up i could tell and couldnt remember which apartment he lived in...(hello you were there three dates) "toward the front" she said, when he pressed she said actually he goes to a different school...hes 16 she lied.

    Last night around midnight she knocked im my door and asked me if I had signed a paper for school. I told her I read it but was not taking the schools vision insurance, I hadn't had the time to tell her she was already signed up. when she replies " well F&*6k YOOOOOOOOOOU then, I heard crashing her room as she threw around stuff. She told me the latter over and over again screaming at the top of her lungs like some sort of crazy crack-head. All my wife said was "I think she may be on drugs". I got out of bed after sleeping for two hours to confront her behavior. She refused to open the door no matter what. After 5 minutes of her screaming FU on the other side and that I dont care anything about her for not getting this school insurance ( like WHAT?) I helplessly went back to bed. Not an issue for he Cops. She went off to school this morning and when I woke up around nine and I took her door off. She has yet to return home from school...DUM DUM DUMMMMM. :anxious: This could get uglier.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    This does not sound a lot like Asperger's. Aspies generally may try to lie, but won't try to tell a complex lie, they're not good at lying and generally get caught. About the most complex lie difficult child 1 ever told was "I loaned my computer game to Jack," when in fact Jack had stolen it but difficult child 1 wanted to stop me going round to Jack's house and threatening the police unless the game was given back.

    Sorry you're having such a rough time. We're here to support. Read other posts, other threads and whatever books we suggest (because generally when we suggest them, it's because we've shared the information back and forth so we know it helps).

    Push for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when you can. If the California warrant is going to be too problematic, work on reporting her for every infraction, so you can try to get her handled by the state. But if you can find Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for her yourself, that may be quicker and frankly, cheaper in the long run (saves all the court costs, the fines, the damaged property etc). It's also a lot cheaper if it gives her a chance of being a decent human being. Our kids are worth it. Your sanity is worth it.

  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Actually, destroying your house by slamming, smashing and breaking things IS a matter for the cops. No - they won't haul her off to prison or anything, but they can come out to the house. At that point, if she has gotten herself under control, they may just give her a talking to - but if she's still out of control? see if they can transport her to ER or crisis center for an evaluation for being a danger to herself or others...

    In lieu of calling the cops, you are perfectly within your rights to have her leave the house until she can get herself under control. (As in: Go take a walk until you cool off! ) If she takes off and does not return within a short amount of time? NOW you have a runaway - make a report to police.

    Once you have enough of these reports you can petition the courts for help.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I would call the police for transport to ER for when she is trashing her room. You need a documented trail of trying to get her help through the mental health system.
  12. AlParedes

    AlParedes Guest

    JJJ and Daisyface,

    I dont think I ever considered this as part of my problem in this but it never occurred to me to call the police after some of her explosive incidents because they are daily and frankly Ive gotten used to it. Unless we end up tumbling on the ground or i have a battle wound I don't even mention it so her PO well until lately. I just move on thinking whew that one wasn't so bad nobody got injured except the house and my sanity. I even find myself saying she's been doing ok because she has not run away or is just verbally abusive instead of pushing it to kicking in stuff. Im going to show her I mean business by setting firmer boundaries in that I don't have to put up with ANY of her disrespect and defiance by letting the police show to hopefully instill that the basic rules I ask her to live by in my home are not unreasonable. I never considered the the police could offer any assistance in this sort of situation and have a new perspective on what can be done to prove she desperately need the help of a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Thank you!!
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I misunderstood about the PO involvement before- I thought that was a PO out of state but now it sounds like she is on probation there, where you live now. I'm going to assume that this PO is someone you can actually talk to and get some feedback and help from- unlike the nightmare situation we had when my son was on probation. If that's the case, you should be letting the PO know what sort of situation you are dealing with at home. The PO can get services and provide a path in case more is needed in the future. This is preferable to calling police.

    In my son't case, his PO was only concentrating on blaming me and never did a single thing to try to get my son more services so after failed attempts to go around her and my son's behavior escalating further, I felt I had no choice but to call police. As a therapist told me around that time, we mothers sometimes become too tolerant of the difficult child's behaviors because they gradually worsen and we somewhat become conditioned to them. But it isn't healthy and we have to step back and do something when we know it has already gone farther than it ever should.

    Try discussing this with the PO, over the phone when your daughter isn't around. The other thing this does- the PO can usually get a message to the judge in court that the parent might not have a chance to and the PO's word goes farther than the parent's. I deally though, the PO should be making changes to address it before automatically taking it back before a judge.
  14. Bean

    Bean Member

    If you have a decent PO who is actually DOING THEIR JOB, they should be able to assist you. I hope you are lucky enough to have one that is on the ball.
  15. AlParedes

    AlParedes Guest

    Actually you were right the first time, She is on probation and the PO is in california, but they issued a new warrant for difficult child's arrest in June. We moved here in may and for a week or two difficult child was calming down. She had just come from Juvenile Hall and we moved her straight out here to get her away from her influences. In june they called and said they wanted her back. She and her friend burglarized two homes in town and the friends as she tells it pawed a few TV's and such. The warrant probably has not reached AZ yet.

    At first the PO did not believe that difficult child was the problem, She blamed me for being difficult and demanding with super expectations of her and that is why so much drama and defiance. My brother wanted to take difficult child in an straighten her out. It lasted a week before he called saying come get her. Then her Grandmother came to save the day saying she could provide the firmness and structure she needed. Two week later after midnight there she stood at my door with difficult child. I just cant she said. Then PO suggested my ex who is not difficult child's mother. They had a decent relationship and everyone wanted to "save" difficult child. I let her go but warned ex well....It lasted two weeks. PO FINALLY HAS THE PICTURE.. after a talk with her therapist and everyone who has tried to offer a fresh patience scenerio she understand how difficult difficult child really is.

    I think at long last her PO is ready and want to recommend getting help for difficult child but said her hand are tied until she turns herself in for the outstanding warrant. Thats where im at. I suspect help may be on the way soon?/?/? How do you get a consistent runaway to California to turn herself in???
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    "Let's go to Disneyland!"

    Sorry - I'm really short on ideas, but the only thing I can think of, is subterfuge of some kind. It is deceitful, but maybe this time the end justifies the means? Especially if you can make it look like they just stumbled on her presence in Ca. You wouldn't be telling lies half as big as the ones she has told you.

  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Here is what I've been told- all states are on board with "monitoring" minors (juveniles) on probation, which means they can and probably will come after both the juvenile and the parent if taken out of state without going thru the proper channels. If she had committed a crime and not already been on probation, they probably wouldn't come after her. But being that she was on probation, she is in a world of trouble- except since she didn't runaway from Ca- you moved her and it sounds like you didn't go thru the proper channels or her case would have been transferred to a PO there where you live now, you can be in big trouble, too. And yes, as the parent of a juvenile, you are also held accountable if the juvenile has a warrant for them and you are aware and don't present that child. The case didn't get transferred to the next state, as required by law, therefore she is still under the authority of CA. Juvenile courts fall under state laws, meaning that if moved out of state while on probation, the law requires them to be "accepted" under juvenile authority by the "new" state. This wasn't done and I honestly think you have a big problem now. If you had "disappeared" with her, maybe you could have gotten by with it if she'd never gotten into trouble again thereby allowing a trace back to CA thru school records. But this PO from CA knows where you are.

    I don't know what CA will do about it but it sure sounds like that PO has no intention of sweeping it under the rug. I would recommend RUNNING to your local jurisdiction to get her case transferred to your local parobation office, however I think it's too late because there's already a warrant out on her for an additional crime in CA.

    Call an attny or take her back to CA- or both- would be my suggestion.
  18. I agree. Get some legal advice and pay for a good lawyer so you can get a plea bargain so she can be under probation where you live now. Here in Lucedale we have an abandoned Residential Treatment Center (RTC) which was part of a large corporation. It fell apart and animal welfare organization up in South Carolina had to take care of horses and other animals which were neglected when they closed the schools and the staff went home and let the animals to make it on their own.

    Some of the teenagers who attended this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in our town was on probation in their home state. Once their PO found them here, the school transferred them to Costa Rica where it was difficult to get them. But once they returned after hard work and in many cases reformed they went right back to face the authorities. Their hard work did not matter in the eyes of the court. It was even worse because their status were fugitives.

    Today the world is too small for hiding. You have to let her face the consequences but it will always pay to seek legal advice.
  19. AlParedes

    AlParedes Guest

    Disney Land...HA!
    She'd would never fall for that especially in light of her recent behaviors. She vows never to set foot in California ever again.

    As for the circumstances, after difficult child was released from custody the 4th time I advised her probation officer that I was looking to transfer my job to AZ. I could keep the same pay plus the cost of living was a lot cheaper. As the time approached for me to transfer, a few days before actually difficult child was arrested for pushing her grandmother in the bushes and knocking her down whilst on probation. She was given two weeks. I had to show up for training (I was already getting a bad reputation at the job for leaving to handle various difficult child "incidences". The Courts not knowing what to do with difficult child made it easy on her. Its seemed like they were tired of dealing with her issues and could tell she was bright. We moved to AZ and two weeks later direct from incarceration a Juvie worker or PO took difficult child to the airport in chains and put her on a direct flight into AZ.

    She had been on probation since her first police matter in 7/09. She had only one month left on probation even though she had been jailed 4 times since for probation violations, they just never extended it. (go figure) She was to be off probation 07/01/10. Since we moved at the very end of May she approximately one month to keep it clean and she would be off probation, just 1 month and so I believe that is why they did not transfer her case to a probation office here. They figured she would be someone else's problem now. HA! well two weeks after putting her on a plain to me and two weeks before she was free of the system I got a call from PO saying the local police were investigating a home burglary and they believed difficult child was involved. She was certain difficult child would be charged and she soon after was. They were not requiring to come to her final court day because they new it would be to difficult since they were going to release her from probation and of COURSE they changed her mind. Now they want me to bring her back. They Issued a warrant for her arrest and I was able to get the court matter put back twice due to needing to get back on our feet after the move. Now they want her pronto exceeeeept now I also get the court calendar secretaries voice mail and she has not returned my calls to put it on calendar.

    Getting her there will still be a little bit complicated and so help me if they keep her a few weeks and then I have to fly her back again from juvie. Im trying to get across that I don't want her to come back without some sort of help for her. Im at my end.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Then the CA juvenile system didn't follow proper procedure either so it's now one big mess. I feel for you so I hope I am not sounding like I'm blaming you- I have lost a career, home, etc., due to having to comply with this kind of stuff when I didn't break the law, myson did. So I completely understand. I just want you to be aware that if they aren't letting it go, they can come after you too and based on my experience solely, they don't give a darn if it costs you a job or not. It has costs me more than one, which is now why I say it costs me my career. And none of it benefited my son. Still, I am legally responsible and will be held accountable so I think you might want to consult an attny- try calling the prosecuting attny or your difficult child's defense attny in CA if you can't reach the PO or afford a provaite attny in CA. Let them know you are trying to get this worked out and have no intention of harboring your daughter so at least you can cover your rear. Maybe you can get them to let her be tried where you live now.