Not a good report

[Roxona]

That leaves a ton of free time that I am still struggling to fill. The world moves so much slower without my drug. Trying to find ways to fill all this extra time is challenging to say the least.

My son has the same problem....right now he's filling his time sleeping. When his girlfriend isn't in school, he's with her or he's at work. I think he sleeps more because 1) he's depressed and 2) he doesn't know what to do with himself without her or work to tell him what to do.

 

[toughlovin]

RN Just remember it is a process. My son has been where your son is and it really is not surprising. I know you had a lot of hope that this would be it... I think we all hope that when our kids go into rehab. I have learned after my son has been in many many rehabs that it is a process. My son is clearly still struggling so he is not completely there yet either and may never be. However over time and many experiences and many relapses I think he has lost some of the entitlement and has realized that he really is an addict and that he can't just have a little drink (you know alcohol is ok because it is not other drugs but hey I can't even do that). So I have seen a real attitude shift in him but it is still a struggle as my recent posts have shown.

So take the time you need for yourself.....and realize it is a process which may be ongoing. I know that is a hard realization to come to....but once you do the individual slips won't get you down so much.

 

[Nancy]

RN I'm sorry. Everything you said is exactly how my daughter acted when she was first in rehab. She got to playing the game, telling them what they wanted to hear. I knew she didn't mean it. She too said she didn't have a problem and didn't need the program. She said she was just a teen that liked to drink, she was not an alcoholic. I have been where you are. She was in rehab for 60 days and on our Sunday visits I often left discouraged, thinking she would never get it.

I agree you need space. I sent my daughter so many emails pouring out my heart and she probably just read them and threw them away, or may not have even read them. I felt better after writing them though.

I got to the point where I decided I would never go back to the way things were. Once you do that and stick to it, he will have to change, he won;t be able to continue doing the same old.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

My son has the same problem....right now he's filling his time sleeping. When his girlfriend isn't in school, he's with her or he's at work. I think he sleeps more because 1) he's depressed and 2) he doesn't know what to do with himself without her or work to tell him what to do.

RN Just remember it is a process. My son has been where your son is and it really is not surprising. I know you had a lot of hope that this would be it... I think we all hope that when our kids go into rehab. I have learned after my son has been in many many rehabs that it is a process. My son is clearly still struggling so he is not completely there yet either and may never be. However over time and many experiences and many relapses I think he has lost some of the entitlement and has realized that he really is an addict and that he can't just have a little drink (you know alcohol is ok because it is not other drugs but hey I can't even do that). So I have seen a real attitude shift in him but it is still a struggle as my recent posts have shown.

So take the time you need for yourself.....and realize it is a process which may be ongoing. I know that is a hard realization to come to....but once you do the individual slips won't get you down so much.

Relapse is expected. And it isn't always purely negative an event. If we can learn from it, it is beneficial. It helps to identify particular triggers, and to change what need be changed. It is only a true loss if nothing is gleaned from it.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Darkwing I agree with you. But apparently the place he is in is not seeing what they want to see from him and that is why they called me. He isn't all on board with all of it I guess.

He thinks if he lays off the pills all will be fine. We would let him drink a few beers at home once in a while when he was sober but when he took benzos he'd want whiskey and he'd smoke cigarettes. Both which he claims he hates. Of course that is before we knew what was going on.

We are just normal people trying to muddle through all of this and have gotten a considerable amount of outside assistance but in the end it's still on YOU because it's YOUR kid in YOUR home.

No, it's on HIM. He is now a grown man, living away from home. What choices he makes, at this point, are his.

....and, shoot, we have all made mistakes, and been in denial, and been manipulated. That's the nature of addiction. It is all a learning process and it isn't easy.

I don't think the counselor called you to suggest it was your fault or responsibility, I think that you were right, I think that she wanted to make sure that you were all on the same page about how to proceed. You would be amazed at how many family members actually do sabotage treatment plans. (I have been in one too many family groups LOL)

I think taking a break is a good idea. We tend to make rash decisions and say things we shouldn't when we are emotional. Give yourself time and then, maybe, discuss with the counselor what the treatment team thinks is the best course of action, be prepared for backlash ramping up of the manipulation.

 

[RN0441]

Thanks friends.

I know it's a process but it's been five years and sending him away for the first time I thought would humble him. What was I thinking?

Yes he is a grown man at 20 (gulp - but in my mind he isn't because he's so immature) and yes it's on him. What I meant is it's up to the parents to decide how to deal with it. You can get all the advice in the world but in the end it's your home and you decide how you want to live and what your limits are.

I am glad he is away from home. I didn't think this would ever happen. I am so thankful that we have peace now. That is huge. Life is so short. I need to find a way not to think about this so much. Like maybe let myself think about it for an hour a day and then not think about it. I am just such an analytical thinker and that doesn't work in this case.

Thanks to all and big hugs.

 

[UpandDown]

Rn, from afar it sounds like there is some progress. I hate the thought that these treatments are often steps along the way that get our kids closer to sobriety but that its a long long road. I wonder from where you are today what you would recommend for son who is smoking pot ALL the time. We have been taking the path of least resistance lately as we just are exhausted and want some peace in our home. Our son is in school and smokes at home whenever he can sneak outside. Probably twice a day at least when he has weed. Our current plan is to avoid any confrontation for the next month and then once summer hits we are torn about if we should force him into a program for substance abuse. I am conflicted because I get that he has to want sobriety and I can tell you for certain he does not. He has been in wilderness therapy, 2 partial hospitalizations and diversion through the courts. Things are def. way better but the fact remains that he is using weed.

 

[toughlovin]

UpandDown, How are other things in his life? How is he doing in school? Is he working? Is he getting in trouble with the law? You can't control if he smokes weed or not. A lot of kids smoke weed and still do well in other parts of their life. I am not suggesting any of that is ok..... But I think it works better to look at the whole picture and not focus just on the pot smoking.

If it were me and he was doing well in other areas in his life I would keep a vigilant eye but probably not get into a confrontation. If he is not doing anything, getting in trouble etc. then that is a different story but then you have more to talk about than him smoking weed.

TL

 

[UpandDown]

Tl, he is doing ok. He hasn't gotten into trouble with the law, goes to school and keeps decent grades. Because of that we don't usually confront him. He has been told he has to be employed as soon as school is out for the summer, which means looking for a job right now. That is going to be very very hard for him. He does whatever he wants, whenever so having to be accountable to a job will rock his self indulgent world. Whether or not he gets a job and how he does will tell me a lot about next steps.

 

[RN0441]

Up and Down I missed your post somehow and your question to me.

My son started with weed at 15 and he's now almost 21 and he is sober now because he has to be -- but I'm pretty sure he is certainly under the impression he can use beer and weed recreationally. I know I will get backlash from this but who knows, maybe some day in a million years he can but I would never tell him that and he surely can't right now.

Unfortunately U&D I don't have any advice either way because it has been such a long journey for us and I don't know what I would change if that were even possible. We put our son in rehab at age 15 for marijuana (first of 3x) because he was expelled from school and that's what the "experts" told me to do. Guess what. He went right back to it after a few months and more (drinking, snorting God knows what etc.). I don't think it did much for him BUT the family sessions educated my husband and I tremendously. We were "green". I think that is what you should do. Learn everything you can about addiction because you may need it. Maybe this is all your son will ever do but I think that is unlikely.

I would set firm rules in your home about smoking and punish him by taking away things he likes if you can. I remember us being kind of emotionally afraid of our son because we did not know what was happening or what to do/how to handle it and my husband kind of left it up to me to decide what to do (but said he'd support me). Looking back I think this was a mistake on our part. Maybe someone else has better advice but honestly it's all a crapshoot and he's so young.

 

[UpandDown]

RN, thank you for your thoughts. Being emotionally afraid of our son, is def a great way to describe how I feel. When pushed about his drug use, he will always without fail tell us that life is not worth living without weed. That he will just take his life and make us all happy. That has the power to completely undo me and make me physically sick. My husband and I deal with it the same way as you did. I make the decisions and he supports me. I feel so alone and the stakes are so high. I just ordered a book called An Unchanged Mind, The Problem of Immaturity in Adolescence. Someone recommended it here and I am looking forward to reading it. I agree that I need to learn more about addiction. Thank you .

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Thanks friends.

I know it's a process but it's been five years and sending him away for the first time I thought would humble him. What was I thinking?

Yes he is a grown man at 20 (gulp - but in my mind he isn't because he's so immature) and yes it's on him. What I meant is it's up to the parents to decide how to deal with it. You can get all the advice in the world but in the end it's your home and you decide how you want to live and what your limits are.

I am glad he is away from home. I didn't think this would ever happen. I am so thankful that we have peace now. That is huge. Life is so short. I need to find a way not to think about this so much. Like maybe let myself think about it for an hour a day and then not think about it. I am just such an analytical thinker and that doesn't work in this case.

Thanks to all and big hugs.

You know, I had an interesting thought. While I'm not dealing with a child, maybe it is something like this.

I have a coworker whose son died after a lengthy battle with cancer. She said for many years her son and his illness were the main focus in her life. Hospitalizations, chemo, surgeries, appointments, etc. After her son died she realized that she lost her identity. Suddenly there were no therapies, no chemo, no doctors visits, no hospitals and she no longer knew what to do with herself. Getting her son better was her life's purpose.

I wonder if it is the same way with difficult kids. You spend so many years of your life trying to "cure" and treat their illnesses, that when they become adults it's hard to let go of that because for so many years it has been become an identity.

 

[Nancy]

Sister you make a good point. I imagine that for the addict it's much the same. Once they get sober they have to figure out what to do with their life. They spent the last so many years lying and stealing and manipulating trying to get their drugs, and now there is a hole they need to fill with other things. It's hard for them to let go also.