difficult child was starting to come around. For the past month school was finally going better, he's been testing clean at IOP and things have been OK at home. Yesterday was the worst of the worst - caught at school with enough pot and baggies for suspicion of selling, tons of used nitrous oxide containers and a little bags of what's know as "moon rocks" -all in his car. This is his second such arrest in almost exactly 2 years...both on school property. I am glad he was caught if that's whats going on because he's been in treatment but I think for him treatment meant getting away from "addictive drugs" like coke, but pot and phychodelicis he thought he could handle. You know the old "If Iust use this stuff" "it's not addictive". I'm numb. We do have in-home services and the counselor stayed with us till 10PM, so we have support, but how do we move forward? I am afraid to do rehab and spend all that money becuase his language does not emit acceptance - "why does society have to but into people's business" - " I wasn't hurting anyone" - "the school got me in trouble", etc. He is not hostile, says he doesn't deserve us as parents, he's ashamed, etc....but he's not in acceptance. The courts may hit hard this time and rehab may be our only option. Please pray and guide us.
Not again
- Thread starter Zardo
- Start date
StressedM0mma
Active Member
I do not have any advice, but just wanted to send some hugs. I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this.
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
Oh, I'm so sorry. Right now, he is saying the exact same things my difficult child said when getting caught. This was during outpatient treatment as well. I felt such a fool, like husband and I were going through the treatment, but the person who really needed it was thumbing his nose at it all.
I think some of your difficult child's attitude is denial, some is bravado. Underneath, he is scared and ashamed, although I'm sure he won't show it outright. The whole, "get out of my business" changes once tough consequences are imposed, and those consequences are more meaningful to some kids initially, and not to others. Your consequences may not have meant much to difficult child, but once the law is involved and parents are in the background, sometimes the difficult child's reevaluate their situations. Our difficult child "broke" pretty soon, and seems to have turned around once he went in front of the judge; to some kids, that is not the case. You will have to take a step back and let him absorb this himself. He's going to be processed through the law and hopefully, he will see how leveling it is.
Of course it always seems to be tougher on the parents. I'm so sorry, and I truly hope this is a serious wake up call for him. It is definitely not too late, I hope he fully accepts rehab and changes his course. Take care of yourself, you've done so much to help.
I think some of your difficult child's attitude is denial, some is bravado. Underneath, he is scared and ashamed, although I'm sure he won't show it outright. The whole, "get out of my business" changes once tough consequences are imposed, and those consequences are more meaningful to some kids initially, and not to others. Your consequences may not have meant much to difficult child, but once the law is involved and parents are in the background, sometimes the difficult child's reevaluate their situations. Our difficult child "broke" pretty soon, and seems to have turned around once he went in front of the judge; to some kids, that is not the case. You will have to take a step back and let him absorb this himself. He's going to be processed through the law and hopefully, he will see how leveling it is.
Of course it always seems to be tougher on the parents. I'm so sorry, and I truly hope this is a serious wake up call for him. It is definitely not too late, I hope he fully accepts rehab and changes his course. Take care of yourself, you've done so much to help.
I'm so sorry Zardo. Over the past three years since difficult child was first arrested for pot/underage drinking and through her stays in rehab and sober houses and relapses and listening to soooo many stories in AA meetings and my parent support group, I have come to realize that most people do not stop using after the first time the get in trouble, or the second or third. It often takes many relpases and consequences before they are finally ready to accept the changes that they need to make, for them to give up the idea that they can use just a little and that it is OK and noone's business but theirs. We were told in rehab that it usually takes seven relapses before the person stays sober, and some never do.
I wish I had better news or could give you more hope but you are doing the right thing by making him face the consequences and supporting him getting help. In our support group we have many recovering addicts that come with their parents and they all say that until they decided to finally get clean and sober nothing anyone did could change that, not their parents or the courts or anyone. The consequences your son is given along with maturity may bring him to the point where he wants to change, but he has to want to do it for himself, not because someone makes him. Right now he is not convinced that his drug use/selling is a problem. You may have a few more rough years before he sees it differently.
I wish I had better news or could give you more hope but you are doing the right thing by making him face the consequences and supporting him getting help. In our support group we have many recovering addicts that come with their parents and they all say that until they decided to finally get clean and sober nothing anyone did could change that, not their parents or the courts or anyone. The consequences your son is given along with maturity may bring him to the point where he wants to change, but he has to want to do it for himself, not because someone makes him. Right now he is not convinced that his drug use/selling is a problem. You may have a few more rough years before he sees it differently.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Oh zardo I am so sorry....I think you know my story so you know that I totally understand. I think the bottom line is if he doesn't want help you can't really make him get it. Now the courts and their consequences may be able to force the issue and they my scare him enough to decide that getting help is his best option? So my guidance is to continue to let him know you love him but in a sense back off with coming up with solutions....and let him stew a bit about what happens next.
And take care of yourself this is an awful time for you.
TL
And take care of yourself this is an awful time for you.
TL
