Not Even a Phone Call

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Dec 26, 2010.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I didn't get to talk to Wiz today. He didn't answer when I called. I don't call the house phone when we know my mom is sick because it bothers her. We got postponed until Monday because she was sick (likely her blood pressure was way up because gfgbro wouldn't leave or made some kind of big deal drama play), so we didn't go over.

    I feel bad, but I cannot force him to talk to me. He is 19 after all, even if my mom wants to blame the lack of contact all on me. I miss him. But it is getting easier and easier to just let him be as I get an answer or return call on about one out of five or six phone calls. He will call husband if I call him, so I don't really know what to do about it.

    Is this something I should be upset and be pushing him about? Or should I figure he knows where I am and what my number is, and that I love him, and let it be up to him?

    When I do get to talk to him, he rarely has more than 2-3 sentences to say or more than 1-2 minutes to spend on the phone with me. There is always something going on. In many ways I feel he chose to have very little relationship with me, but I still love him. I just don't know how much I should bang my head and heart against the wall trying to build a relationship with him. He will tell husband, Jess, my mom and dad, and others about how he wants to spend time with me, but unless it is something like taking him to a big sale at a bookstore an hour away he won't actually DO anything with me or speak to me. Heck, he won't even go with us to a movie or dinner unless it happens that I am not going.

    Not sure it is deliberate or the schedules and my illness work that way, but it is what it is.

    Any advice/suggestions? He will not discuss this with me and husband is clueless.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think I'd let it go- he knows you tried to call and talk to him and that's the main thing. I'm not surprised he's acting like this, given his age and all the drama your mother and gfgbro keep stirred up. Really, you are fighting a losing battle with this.
  3. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I'd let it go and move on. I probably would have eventually reconciled with my father before he died had he not constantly been calling me, calling my friends, writing to me, etc., etc. It got to the point where I wouldn't pick up if I saw his number come up and I wouldn't return calls. Let Wiz miss you the way I never had the chance to miss my dad. You've done enough, let him come to you. If he doesn't, it will be like I told my dad - you've done enough, leave me alone, it's my choice.

    Now that I am a parent, I feel much more sympathetic to my dad's feelings.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well....................... Most males his age, even non difficult children, don't spend much time talking with their moms on the phone. There isn't a whole going on in their lives they feel their moms can relate to for one thing. And it just isn't cool for another. lol

    My brothers sort of drifted in and out at this age. They'd stop by to visit for like 5/10 mins at a shot. Phone calls barely lasted long enough to find out how my mom was unless they wanted/needed something. Hmmm actually, it's not that much better now, although visits will last an hour or so. lol Has nothing to do with how they feel about her............just mostly because they don't have enough in common to carrying on what my bros consider a "real" conversation, which is still all about cars, women, and the like. lol
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is sort of how my instincts are leaning, esp as Wiz will talk with husband now and then and with Jess and thank you when they call if he isn't working, in class or somewhere he cannot take a call. My radar is off because that is one area my mom hit really hard the last time she spewed. I just wanted to be sure i was on the right track. Esp since much of anything that dealt with his gfgness or setting rules for the family was done through me, with husband in the background shielding the other kids as much as it occurred to him to do so (or he was ordered to do so by me). I am also feeling very much the loss and anger (not as bad as when it first happened) that almost ate me alive when he first went to live with my parents. I will ALWAYS wonder how much of what Wiz did as a difficult child was due to his gfgness and how much was my mother's games, but it is a losing question so I will let it go and move on.

  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Same here with M. Oh, well. L got $17,000 from her late step-grandmother's estate. She says she will pay off her vet bill then invest the rest in CD's. I was kind of hoping that it would be enough to keep her from hounding after men with money, but that's not going to happen.
  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    oh hun I can relate although my difficult child I is ticked at me so I am being intentionally ignored, although yesterday was the 1st Christmas in 20 years that I did not see my son. Perhaps a card or note, sometimes the unexpected catches them off guard enough to get a response.
  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I also find that my difficult child 1 tends to be very uncommunicative. I usually don't get a call from him unless there's something he needs
    me to do; when I call him, he often doesn't pick up and may call me back or text me hours later or not at all. We invite him to
    dinner and a movie and he tells us tonight isn't good, maybe sometime next week! And we know he's sitting at home, unemployed
    and nothing else going on. He seems to need to be in touch on his schedule and his terms. Sometimes he feels a lot of need and is
    in touch a lot for a few days at a time. We just go with the flow and try to keep tabs enough to figure out if something bad is brewing
    with him.

    All this to say - I think your instincts are good, and leaving some of the effort to him is a good plan. I'm sorry for your pain, though, and
    I sympathize.
  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Sweetie, both of my brothers were a PITA to my mom for between the ages of 18 & 25. Things were fine with dad. I wonder if it isn't the time for young men to "cut the apron strings" for lack of a better term & don't know how to do it with love or diplomacy.

    At this point I'd leave things as they are ~ hope W can recenter himself; find his roots & appreciate them. Gentle hugs for your hurting heart.