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<blockquote data-quote="2much2recover" data-source="post: 637135" data-attributes="member: 18366"><p>The only real solution I see is to move your energies to focusing on the grandchild - making that a priority and making difficult child secondary. That is going to make a huge confrontation that you must, in your mind, be prepared to lose the connection to the difficult child. With this new child in your life you have the opportunity to nurture, where nurturing the difficult child is IMPOSSIBLE because of her make up in personality. Refusing to let her take the child out into the community to also be used as a hook into others is protection for the child and from the difficult child. I hear you say: " I am caught up in a power struggle with difficult child and she is winning" How? She can get you to lose your cool, leaves you furious and unhappy, and she refuses to change her on life for the better, frustrating you. The end result, no matter how you fight it (and it is extremely hurtful) she is going to win and you are going to lose as long as there is involvement between the two of you. I see it in how you are unable to control your (rightful) rage in the gas-lighting she does. You have to find some way to move beyond it, get control of your emotions and emotional responses so that she can't win; can not pull you into the hateful angry exchanges. You can not change her - YOU MUST change yourself to back control of the situation. </p><p></p><p></p><p>This is the essence of what lies beneath the mask difficult child's wear. They are so cunning to getting us to except that real change is happening when, as we learn, there is never any REAL change just a flipping of masks - some we like - some we absolutely hate. It becomes infuriating to keep following for the same game over and over and when that ugly person again re-appears in our life, I think we easily escalate back to wear we were when last dealing with the ugliness that lies beneath. It hurts to be tricked over and over and we so desperately want to believe that this time things will be different - exactly what they want us to believe. So we become infuriated when we discover that once again we are dealing with a difficult child - just when, once again we had hope that things will change. What she does I call crazy-making because it makes you question yourself and your own sanity until you, in the end, don't even know what you really want. They have stirred your emotions to a place that you become unbalanced ( not mentally, just situational ) You get to a point where <em>you</em> don't even know what you want anymore. And that is the goal of the difficult child - to keep you unbalanced.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Just the fact that she tries to get the whole family to listen to and react to false statements should tell you who is unstable and as hard as it is, you must get to the point of understanding that the words coming out of her mouth are nonsense. Arguing with someone with deep hidden agendas that are morally wrong is just craziness in itself. Closing your eyes to it or arguing things that are truth on your part and not reality on her part just keeps the whole family in conflict - something the difficult child cherish. What a role - they get to dictate the mental and emotional life of the whole family. Talk about manipulation and control. Your daughter is sending these signals out big time!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="2much2recover, post: 637135, member: 18366"] The only real solution I see is to move your energies to focusing on the grandchild - making that a priority and making difficult child secondary. That is going to make a huge confrontation that you must, in your mind, be prepared to lose the connection to the difficult child. With this new child in your life you have the opportunity to nurture, where nurturing the difficult child is IMPOSSIBLE because of her make up in personality. Refusing to let her take the child out into the community to also be used as a hook into others is protection for the child and from the difficult child. I hear you say: " I am caught up in a power struggle with difficult child and she is winning" How? She can get you to lose your cool, leaves you furious and unhappy, and she refuses to change her on life for the better, frustrating you. The end result, no matter how you fight it (and it is extremely hurtful) she is going to win and you are going to lose as long as there is involvement between the two of you. I see it in how you are unable to control your (rightful) rage in the gas-lighting she does. You have to find some way to move beyond it, get control of your emotions and emotional responses so that she can't win; can not pull you into the hateful angry exchanges. You can not change her - YOU MUST change yourself to back control of the situation. This is the essence of what lies beneath the mask difficult child's wear. They are so cunning to getting us to except that real change is happening when, as we learn, there is never any REAL change just a flipping of masks - some we like - some we absolutely hate. It becomes infuriating to keep following for the same game over and over and when that ugly person again re-appears in our life, I think we easily escalate back to wear we were when last dealing with the ugliness that lies beneath. It hurts to be tricked over and over and we so desperately want to believe that this time things will be different - exactly what they want us to believe. So we become infuriated when we discover that once again we are dealing with a difficult child - just when, once again we had hope that things will change. What she does I call crazy-making because it makes you question yourself and your own sanity until you, in the end, don't even know what you really want. They have stirred your emotions to a place that you become unbalanced ( not mentally, just situational ) You get to a point where [I]you[/I] don't even know what you want anymore. And that is the goal of the difficult child - to keep you unbalanced. Just the fact that she tries to get the whole family to listen to and react to false statements should tell you who is unstable and as hard as it is, you must get to the point of understanding that the words coming out of her mouth are nonsense. Arguing with someone with deep hidden agendas that are morally wrong is just craziness in itself. Closing your eyes to it or arguing things that are truth on your part and not reality on her part just keeps the whole family in conflict - something the difficult child cherish. What a role - they get to dictate the mental and emotional life of the whole family. Talk about manipulation and control. Your daughter is sending these signals out big time! [/QUOTE]
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