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Not her parent, but still need help
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<blockquote data-quote="silverlilly1" data-source="post: 631299" data-attributes="member: 18194"><p>Although the above update doesn't sound horrible to me in reading it, her impact on this house has been profound. It's more of a last straw that breaks the camel's back thing. Her actions and our attempts to accommodate her are constantly making our lives a challenge. My husband is close to exhaustion from having to do way more around the house than he should because I can't and she won't. It's affecting our daughter's attitude, our relationship, and my relationship with my sister. Since she arrived, everything has been her commitment to herself, other people, and things taking priority - going to the beach, going on dates, having the guy over, not willing to help at night because it's too late at 9, "needing" to sleep in until almost noon because she is tired because she stayed up until 2 and then not being able to help with anything because she has to go to work for two hours later, not showing up when she asks me to be ready to help her sew (making me wait for several hours), asking to join us as we're heading out the door and then telling us we have to wait for 15 minutes until she's ready...</p><p></p><p>We borrowed items from a myriad of friends and acquaintances in order to help her go on vacation with us. I even made her a purse, change purse, wallet, and quilt. Even tonight when she knew we needed to talk because she'd disappeared angry for two days she instead started getting ready for a date and making us wait for her, my husband again being forced to stay up late and not do the things he needed to get done tonight. We do not have much extra money, and have asked her for the bare minimum to support her here (paying more out of pocket than we have), and yet every month she gives us trouble about how much money she has to give us. She ignores us when we try to talk with her, makes comments when people do housework around her...</p><p></p><p>We both want to see some willingness to reciprocate the inconveniences she has caused to us. Especially when she is asking us to again go out of our way for her at the last minute. Just once, in the time we need her help the most (and have made that fact clear), to think of someone other than herself. That's what the birthday thing is about. It's my husband's barometer to see if she can come to her own decision to think about someone other than herself, after our talk. The volunteering? It's all about her. She knew of the opportunity a month and a half ago but was too lazy to call. She wants to do it because the field interests her. But she will barely get started now before she leaves to go back to school on the other end of the country, where she can volunteer more long-term. She knew this week would be busy and yet scheduled this in at the last minute, because she didn't want to wait another two weeks. It seems serious to her only because everything in her life other than helping out around here seems serious to her. Everything in her life is an emphatic excuse why she can't be here or help out.</p><p></p><p>I am her scapegoat for taking responsibility for anything she doesn't like, and she is treating us like landlords rather than family. A landlord would charge four times more money, wouldn't cook her supper every night, wouldn't save her leftovers for lunch, wouldn't shop for her, wouldn't clean her living space, and would kick her out if she gave them as much attitude as she gives us. She fills drinking glasses before supper, sometimes. She clears the table, puts dishes into the dishwasher, and washes the pots. When her wrist doesn't hurt and she's not too tired. Nothing else. She doesn't even clean up after herself properly, leaving dishes improperly cleaned, leaving clothing and other items laying around in shared living spaces, leaving her laundry in the machines and on the racks rather than clearing out so others can use them, and not putting away her garbage. Right now, my husband is doing almost everything else, due to my mobility issues. Our very young daughter holds the screen door open for me and shuts the door behind me because of the crutches, without being asked. My sister once came to the door to unlock it when she heard I was home, but waited until it was already unlocked. She said, "Well I came to help you." She stood in the doorway in the way of me getting in, then when I asked her to allow us in and sat down to remove my shoe, she left the door open and went back upstairs. I stood up again, grabbed my crutches, walked over to the door, closed it, and sat back down to remove my shoe. Any help she offers is all lip service.</p><p></p><p>We told her that this week we want her to help us by making changes to her plans that actually show her putting a priority on this family. After everything we've put up with and done for her, it's not too much to ask. Even to think of ways she can do this on her own, rather than being spoon-fed a solution. Because she is supposed to be an adult, and adults can come up with solutions on their own. She is emphatic that Tuesday is the only day she could possibly make a change to her plans (even when we tried to open her mind to other possibilities), and she is emphatic that she will not make that change. Yes, it's a test. And not an easy one.</p><p></p><p>But</p><p></p><p>We really don't know what else to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="silverlilly1, post: 631299, member: 18194"] Although the above update doesn't sound horrible to me in reading it, her impact on this house has been profound. It's more of a last straw that breaks the camel's back thing. Her actions and our attempts to accommodate her are constantly making our lives a challenge. My husband is close to exhaustion from having to do way more around the house than he should because I can't and she won't. It's affecting our daughter's attitude, our relationship, and my relationship with my sister. Since she arrived, everything has been her commitment to herself, other people, and things taking priority - going to the beach, going on dates, having the guy over, not willing to help at night because it's too late at 9, "needing" to sleep in until almost noon because she is tired because she stayed up until 2 and then not being able to help with anything because she has to go to work for two hours later, not showing up when she asks me to be ready to help her sew (making me wait for several hours), asking to join us as we're heading out the door and then telling us we have to wait for 15 minutes until she's ready... We borrowed items from a myriad of friends and acquaintances in order to help her go on vacation with us. I even made her a purse, change purse, wallet, and quilt. Even tonight when she knew we needed to talk because she'd disappeared angry for two days she instead started getting ready for a date and making us wait for her, my husband again being forced to stay up late and not do the things he needed to get done tonight. We do not have much extra money, and have asked her for the bare minimum to support her here (paying more out of pocket than we have), and yet every month she gives us trouble about how much money she has to give us. She ignores us when we try to talk with her, makes comments when people do housework around her... We both want to see some willingness to reciprocate the inconveniences she has caused to us. Especially when she is asking us to again go out of our way for her at the last minute. Just once, in the time we need her help the most (and have made that fact clear), to think of someone other than herself. That's what the birthday thing is about. It's my husband's barometer to see if she can come to her own decision to think about someone other than herself, after our talk. The volunteering? It's all about her. She knew of the opportunity a month and a half ago but was too lazy to call. She wants to do it because the field interests her. But she will barely get started now before she leaves to go back to school on the other end of the country, where she can volunteer more long-term. She knew this week would be busy and yet scheduled this in at the last minute, because she didn't want to wait another two weeks. It seems serious to her only because everything in her life other than helping out around here seems serious to her. Everything in her life is an emphatic excuse why she can't be here or help out. I am her scapegoat for taking responsibility for anything she doesn't like, and she is treating us like landlords rather than family. A landlord would charge four times more money, wouldn't cook her supper every night, wouldn't save her leftovers for lunch, wouldn't shop for her, wouldn't clean her living space, and would kick her out if she gave them as much attitude as she gives us. She fills drinking glasses before supper, sometimes. She clears the table, puts dishes into the dishwasher, and washes the pots. When her wrist doesn't hurt and she's not too tired. Nothing else. She doesn't even clean up after herself properly, leaving dishes improperly cleaned, leaving clothing and other items laying around in shared living spaces, leaving her laundry in the machines and on the racks rather than clearing out so others can use them, and not putting away her garbage. Right now, my husband is doing almost everything else, due to my mobility issues. Our very young daughter holds the screen door open for me and shuts the door behind me because of the crutches, without being asked. My sister once came to the door to unlock it when she heard I was home, but waited until it was already unlocked. She said, "Well I came to help you." She stood in the doorway in the way of me getting in, then when I asked her to allow us in and sat down to remove my shoe, she left the door open and went back upstairs. I stood up again, grabbed my crutches, walked over to the door, closed it, and sat back down to remove my shoe. Any help she offers is all lip service. We told her that this week we want her to help us by making changes to her plans that actually show her putting a priority on this family. After everything we've put up with and done for her, it's not too much to ask. Even to think of ways she can do this on her own, rather than being spoon-fed a solution. Because she is supposed to be an adult, and adults can come up with solutions on their own. She is emphatic that Tuesday is the only day she could possibly make a change to her plans (even when we tried to open her mind to other possibilities), and she is emphatic that she will not make that change. Yes, it's a test. And not an easy one. But We really don't know what else to do. [/QUOTE]
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